Enchanted woods

 I hath enchanted them

Big Bird's "All I Want For Christmas"

 In the timeless classic, Elmo Saves Christmas, Elmo wishes for it to be Christmas every day and traps Sesame Street and the world in an eternal cycle of Christmas. The best song in the movie is sung by the Easter Bunny played by Harvey Fierstein, Buy Your Friend an Easter Egg for Christmas, but the SECOND best song is sung by Big Bird, All I Want for Christmas.

It's not the Mariah Carey song. It's Big Bird's original song that he sings for his best pal Snuffy who went to visit his grammy in Cincinnati for Christmas. Snuffy was supposed to only be gone for one day but because Christmas never ends, Snuffy cannot return. When Big Bird sings the song it's Christmas on the 4th of July and Big Bird finally becomes desperate enough to call Snuffy on the phone. No one answers and Big Bird leaves a message in the form of a song.

A necktie is neat, and shoes are a treat,

But they can't make me smile when I'm blue...

Don't get me a picture book to color and trace,

Don't buy me a rocket ship that goes into space,

All I need's a buddy with a smile on his face,

All I want for Christmas is you!

What is Big Bird singing about? What is Big Bird really singing about? I think he's singing from a place of longing. On the surface the song is about how Big Bird is tired of Christmas and getting presents when he can't see his friend but really Big Bird is moved to song by his love for his friend that is magnified by that friend's absence. It's a beautiful song. It's not sung in a sad, feel-sorry-for-myself kind of way. Big Bird experiences this transcendental moment where he rejects materialism and he rejects the societal expectation that he be merry for Christmas and produces a triumphant expression of what Big Bird wants and needs. Big Bird is powerless to stop Christmas from happening again but on the edge of despair Big Bird affirms that his feelings and his friends matter more than anything else. That's incredible.

Ask yourself, be honest, if your favorite person was taken from you unexpectedly and you and everyone you knew were forced to carry out the ritual of Christmas every day and you could never return to your normal life, could your love for your friend and, most importantly, the love for yourself--because Big Bird is doing this for himself, he's not talking to Snuffy directly, he's forced to sing this into the void because it's a powerful message that must be voiced--could the chaos in your heart give birth to the dancing star that is All I Want for Christmas?

The thing I'm really trying to get at is that it's not that Big Bird likes Snuffy more than toys and it's not that Big Bird really misses Snuffy, what's really important is how Big Bird feels about what he feels. 

alright that's enough

monster territory

 After Sunday I will have stacked 19 weeks of running between 65 and 67 miles. BUT! On the week of November 20th, Thanksgiving week, a transformation happened. A terrific turkey transformation. I went from taking 8+ hours to running a weeks worth of miles to sub 8 hours. And I've held that through the end of the year and will hold it into the foreseeable future.

And this progression has got me thinking about monster territory levels of fitness. Right now I can run 7 min- 6:50 miles and it's an honest easy pace. That pace used to be pushing it. And now moderate is like 6:30 pace and if I hit a downhill section I can run sub-6 without going too too hard but really only one mile. But everything's still progressing. If I could get 6:30 pace to feel truly easy and start stringing together multiple sub-6 miles in a regular run without compromising workouts then that would be beastly fitness. Monstrous even. Abominable levels of cruising. Workouts are more important still. I don't want to compromise those just to be the guy who is hammering his easy days but the idea is lurking and if it were to happen, say, before the 10 miler in March, I'd be pretty siked.

We shall see.

reasons I would want people to come up and talk to me

these are the vibes I'm going to be putting out

#1- I remind you of the child you never had and you want me to inherit your vast estate

#2- you've heard of my juggling prowess and would like a demonstration (you are easily impressed by basic juggling)

#3- you like my yellow shirt

#4- you need someone to interpret the poems of DH Lawrence. I wrote a paper about this in college once and got an A and DH Lawrence has never shown up in my life again NOT EVEN ONE TIME!

#5- I look like a safe person

#6- You are going to clue me in on a big big fun fun secret

#7- You want someone to do a funny bit with 

#8- You are like, "you have a really unique aura." And I'm like "unique how?" And you say, "have you ever seen the polar express" And I say, "No only memes of it. Does that movie talk about auras?" And you say, "No I was trying to change the subject." And I go, "Oh okay well, sorry." And you have a sort of haunted far-off look and I say, "Am I gonna die soon?" And you say, "What makes you think that?" And I say, "my aura?" And you say, "No your aura looks like you would react the same way to being poked in the stomach as the pillsbury doughboy"

#9- friendship

#10- the DH Lawrence thing again because as I was writing this I remembered it more and more and I don't even think I've heard another human being say his name out loud and maybe it wasn't even real at all and I dreamed the whole thing

Highlights of Posts from This Year

 January

I wrote this goodnight speech:

And as you head off to sleep, remember that in all of you there exists something very special, a skeleton. An assemblage of bones that gives form and function to your body. And what is a bone but a kind of specialized rock that your cells learned how to create because it was awesome. Long ago cells learned the recipe for making rocks and the world has never looked the same since. And while you slumber you will appear to all the world a pile of rocks wrapped in a bag of skin and stuffed with sauce and meat. Not unlike a magical calzone. Which is italian for a pants leg. And magic calzone in italian calzone magico

February

I wrote a poem called big words:

look at my big words

ha ha ha

everyone smiles and claps

my big words march down the street like a parade

they crash into a bank and eat all the money

but I don't even say sorry

I would never apologize to a bank

Also I made up a holiday called Bamboozle Day that we never did at camp but I'll try to remember this year.

March

I made up a game called Dentist Simulator that sounds like a decent bit.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a poem called Are You in the Bathroom

are you in the bathroom

I bet you are

dancing the dance of kings and pharaohs

and the water is made of jewels

and the paper is made of silk

and the bowl is made of gold

and the writing on the bathroom stall wall

says you're the most famous reindeer of alllllllllll

 

good job christmas jon!

 break open a fresh minty pack of Jolly J's!

in 2024 we're taking big meaty swings

today I did 5xmile on the road and I told myself during the warm-up I was going to swing for dingers out there. Really put my whole foot in the workout up to the ankle and see what kind of juice I could squeeze out. You know, of the grape vat. Are you following? I'm talking about taking the ol hatchet and seeing how fat of an oak I can chop before the sun goes down and the wolves start prowling. I'm talking about ordering the item on the menu where if you finish the plate then it's free. A sink or swim situation. Otherwise known as going to the well.

Do you know why the call it going to the well? Used to be that children would get sent out to the well to gather water for the household and if they didn't bring back any water it was because of their impish nature and they were forced to sleep outside with the alpacas and beasts of burden. Right? So when you go all the way to the well you hope you find water and even if you do, you still gotta take it all the way back home. On top of the highest peak. Because that's where winners build their houses. And that's the best case scenario.

I got distracted. No the point was that I wanted to take a step up and really challenge myself to run a pace I hadn't in a while and I was nervous because subconsciously I've been playing it safe for the past few years because part of me is scared of the workouts I did six or seven years ago. But I'd like to start betting on myself again because I've got renewed confidence now. I've stacked a lot of consistent volume and most importantly I've been doing daily hip exercises to build sturdy, beef-ridden hip muscles and such so when I'm running I'm not leaking out all that kinetic energy with every step. If you've got wishy-washy weak hips then the leg won't hold steady and all that energy is for naught. It's getting converted into heat and entropy and you know what they say, "entropy don't win no trophies"

I'm out of my wandering in the desert phase. I'm in my, "let's go out and try to hit dingers again" phase. Or imagine if Michael Jordan was just kind of good at basketball and then he went and played baseball for some reason and was bad and then went back to being okay at basketball. Right? I'm out of the baseball phase and into the second basketball phase.

in 1994, Cake said

Excess ain't rebellion

You're drinkin' what they're selling

Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them

Your chaos won't convert them

They're so happy to rebuild it

You'll never really kill it, aw, yeah

And in 2013 Duncan Trussell said

"If you can forgive yourself then you will no longer see the reflection of your own internal judgement in the faces of the people around you. And if you can do that then suddenly you’ll be in a whole different universe because the universe we all exist in is the one where we’re all so terrified of the judgement of our peers."

To me forgiving yourself and living in the whole different universe that Duncan Trussell is talking about has a lot to do with things like warmth, vulnerability, understanding, introspection, trust, connection. 

Rock n' Roll Lifestyle is a really good song though. You should listen to that song and then you should write a heartfelt letter to someone and then you should look yourself in the mirror and say, I'd give you a little kiss on the forehead if I could but I can't cuz you're me.

leave a comment

The last comment I received was in November 2022 but I've had people tell me in real life that they still read this or have found it. Anyway if you're reading this and would like to leave any comment to keep the streak alive that would be nice.

you ever heard of bug club?

 the first rule of bug club is we talk about bug club!

here's a theory

 I used to love to hammer runs in college. I built up to a point where I could run pretty hard almost every day. Or maybe start off slow but then run really hard at the end. It was a point of pride and identity. I was like, yeah I can't run super fast but I don't break down and I can train hard nearly every day. I'm sure I'm distorting history a little bit but the reason I remember this is because the summer after I graduated from college I distinctly remember not being able to run hard anymore. It was like I had two speeds at that point. I could either run slow and easy or I could concentrate really hard and run fast but running fast stopped being a thing that just happened. 

At the time I thought, well I guess I just got older. Or maybe I'm overtrained and my legs just don't want to do that anymore. And then I kinda just left it at that and didn't really think about it anymore.

Here's my new theory for what I think happened. And I figured it out because I think I'm back at that point now. Today especially felt really good and effortless and fun. What I was doing in college was coasting off the leg and hip strength that I developed in high school. 

We did A LOT of core and strength work in high school. Lots of core exercises on the floor, lots of lunges and drills and squats and these things called "sammies" and I always thought it was so boring and a waste of time. All I wanted to do was run more. 

So then in college I stopped doing all of that stuff and ran a lot and got better but it turns out all that strength work I thought was so boring was a big part of the reason I enjoyed running. 

My new theory is that you can maintain a lot of hip and leg strength just from running for a long time because it targets enough relevant muscles but at some point if you don't do anything but run you just kind of run lose it and running becomes something very different. Like it gets to the point where your hamstrings and hip flexors and hip extensors and glutes and stuff just aren't able to help as much and it's like a car driving on flat tires. 

It was really exacerbated that summer in Williamsburg because it was hot and humid and I started working a full time job and all the people I'd been running with were away for the summer so it was hard to understand at the time what caused this change amidst a lot of big changes.

All of that is to say that the more I get older, the more I realize that getting older is often NOT the excuse for why things have changed. In this case it was something that I completely took for granted and it wasn't until I stopped doing it for a long time and stumbled back into it that I realized how important it actually was.

dang I felt good today. I was cruising. I was in my last mile on a flat road with a tailwind and I saw this guy running ahead of me and he looked like he was moving pretty well and I went into hunter mode and started trying to run him down and I couldn't quite catch him before the end of the road without sprinting but I closed the gap

here's a winning idea

 I think I need to improve my anaerobic capacity with running. My redline is weak. I've got a lot of strength but at some point you just need to go fast and make workout and race paces feel easier. I'll experiment with that for the next month or so.

things like 5x1k with a lot of rest and feeling a little lactic by the third one. or 6x800. or 3x1 mile. Reminding my body what it means to run hard hard.

here's a winning idea

 take all the shopping carts and throw them out in the streets. make the roads undriveable. no one likes them. no one likes what it's done to the planet and the way we live our lives. ruin them with shopping carts.

I personally have nothing against shopping carts. Once we've made walkable communities that serve people we can go back to having shopping carts. but until then, the price must be paid.

obsessed with the album Down to Earth by Flight Facilities

 it's got Crave You which is a song I could put on repeat for an hour but I've recently discovered ALL the songs are great!

also somebody tell me that Two Bodies sounds a lot like Deja Vu. well, just one part. but still!

things I would do for various amounts of cash

 $1- for one dollar I would call you on a day of your choosing and ask how is it going for real? and use active listening skills for 5 to 30 minutes depending on how interesting the conversation is

$5- for five dollars I would give you a ride within a 15 minute radius even if it's slightly inconvenient for me

$10- I would give you a small to medium piece of enchanted wood

$20- for twenty dollars I would clean your kitchen especially if the drain is clogged with wet food matter and you need someone to reach their hand in and pull it out because that is my superpower for real

$50- for fifty dollars I will dress up in a spooky disguise and deliver a haunting to one person or a small group of people BUT ONLY for the purpose of correcting their wicked ways

$100-for one hundred dollars you can choose the clothes I wear for an entire week but not to work and you can't make me go anywhere I don't want to. this one is kind of lame. For one hundred dollars you can also have a large piece of enchanted wood

$200- you can't give me two hundred dollars. that's obscene. no one should give anyone that much money. that's bribery. that's a crime. you can't just give someone two hundred dollars without telling the IRS about it. no. it's too much power. there's very little I wouldn't do. I must refuse on principle.

for $199 I will stage a mock funeral for you and you can watch from a secret enclosure and listen to all the beautiful things everyone says about you AND I will plant three juicy revelations in the crowd that will make everyone realize that there was a lot more to you than they thought

I think you have to give yourself really simple instructions over and over again

that's the only way you're ever going to listen

not quite wisdom

if you don't make the first move, you'll never make the third move: total acceptance of the universe and your place in it

man is a worm buried in fruit- eating his home and making it larger in the process.

the weight of a thousand ponders cannot shift the path of stars

yell for help. but don't yell for any other reason. designate yelling only for seeking help to avoid ambiguity.

words are like sand. one cannot harm you but a fistful thrown forcefully can create enough time for an escape

it is better to laugh at misfortune than miss a forest for the laugh trees

don't yuck a yum, yum yum yum eat it up big belly full

sadness is just gladness without the radness

think with your neck, the bicep of the head

create the world that created you. then within that world create a mini-version of yourself to run simulations to help make big decisions.

what's the best way to help someone? be like a pond to a duck. full of fish and frogs.

nice to meet you I am style

 

my sweater big my purse on tiny

woke up to a jackhammer jackhammering

 It was like 8am and they were ripping up the parking lot in front of my apartment because there's a big leak somewhere and we got an email about it earlier.

and the jackhammer was like BRABRABRABRABRABRABRA!

And I was like, "nooooo, I wanna sleeeeeeep"

And then somehow, half asleep, my reaction was to coax myself into this state of perfect acceptance and willingness for the world to be as it is and I had this dream where I went with a friend to a bank or something and we started talking to the employees and had this crazy natural rapport and there was immediate chemistry and I don't really understand what exactly was happening but I remember thinking in the dream, I should totally make a move, I should make a move

And then I woke up and the jackhammering was done and it was 11:11.

Oh and as I was going to sleep the night before I was thinking about Brandi Carlile's song Dreams and what a good song it is.

So, thanks to me for giving myself a nice dream to take my mind off the terrible noise

here's a bit I tried

you go up to a group of people talking and you pick one person and say, "Isn't it crazy how when X isn't here we just sit around and say, "where's X? I wonder what X is doing." And then if it goes anywhere you talk about how X is the main character. 

I tried another bit today stolen from a picture I saw where I acted like I finally figured out that Tuesday always comes after Monday and it just keeps repeating like that the whole time, every week.

Here's a third bit. I'm gonna come up with a good one.

When someone is telling you something, you just restate what they said back to them so they know they've been heard. That's a killer bit and demonstrates good listening skills.

Oh I did an actual bit today where this kid wanted rental shoes, I coach him and he always gets a rental shoes, and I grabbed a scrap of paper and made a quick "Rental Shoe Request Form" and made up all these things he had to answer before he could get his shoes. 

That's a good bit. There you go. I knew I'd get it.

the lady at the post office said I had a nice haircut :)

 thanks nice lady :)

my old nemesis: the wind

 Oh how I hate the wind. Air. Normally one of my closest allies, turned into a screaming wall of force that rips the breath from my lungs and brings tears to my eyes. It makes my blood boil to see one of my friends turned against me. After running in the wind my face burns and my ears ring and my body feels tense all over. If I were to move to a place where it was windy all the time I would quickly disintegrate into a pile of dust and bones. I would go mad too. First madness, then dust and bones. Why do I hate the wind so much? Well, in addition to the reasons I've outlined I'll also say that when you're running into the wind it's like a nasty little gremlin or ghoul is pushing you back. And also it makes me have to spit a lot. 

A horrible sight! A crying angry man thrashing his limbs down the sidewalk, cursing the heaves and spitting from side to side. Frothing at the mouth even! Terrible. 

And then I try one of my little tricks. I smile and think to myself, "thanks, the wind. I love you so much. I'm having so much fun." But it's all a clever ploy. One day I'll lure the wind into a false sense of security and then banish it forever. That is my solemn vow and oath. The end.

goals for 2024 are be strong, be fast, and grow a butt

every day working towards those is a day well lived :P

ran well at keene

 Did a great 14 mile long run today. Felt really controlled for the first 7 mile loop and was running nearly 6 minute pace and then went harder for the second 7 miles and averaged somewhere in the high 5:40s. Happy with my attitude going into it and during the run. My endurance is great and I should probably work on running at faster paces. I felt like I could have kept going but trying to go faster than 5:45 felt overly difficult.

This week I averaged under 7 minute mile pace for 66 miles. Every run except one was under 7 minute pace so that's pretty exciting. I hope to keep that up and continue to become even more comfortable under 7 minute pace!

#8 all time for 2 keene loops! nice! most people in front of me are/were professional runners!

regular update

 Been posting a lot of strange things lately so I figured I'd do a more normal update about how things are going.

In short, really good!

Running continues to be really fun and there's very much this virtuous cycle where I'll do some lifting/strength/activation work and then have a great run so I'll do even more strength stuff and have an even better run and it's got me really psyched on running and working out. Near an all time high I'd say.

Climbing is going well. I'd say it's a little on the backburner but I'm definitely enjoying it.

Creatively I'm not doing as much but I'm really having fun getting stronger and I'm okay with that.

Here's the other thing I'll say: for the past at least 5 or 6 years I've had this feeling of like: man, remember in college when I could just go somewhere at any time and run into people that I knew and have a nice time? And I didn't have to schedule anything about it or spend money or make a bunch of plans. Why can't I have that again?

And I thought I never would and I'd just be at home alone and sad and making weird drawings and stuff. I do love making weird drawings but even more better is that I feel like I've reached a point at the gym where I can just go and hang out with the people there and I've realized my dream and I'm so happy about it that if I think about it too much I might cry so I'm just going to drink my smoothie and watch more youtube videos but dang it's smooth rolling right now.

counselor flow

I'm moving different.

I'm moving crazy.

I'm moving like 2020 covid camp. I stay out of arm's reach and reveal my mouth to no one.

I'm sneaking popsicles out of the guard shack every 15 minutes like clockwork. Excuse me I've got an engulfing appointment.

For reading time I switch into a flow state and relay the latest goings-ons of the spirit realm.

I end the game like deus ex machina.

I don't learn names I just point and yell like a point and yell adventure game.

I've weighed the sins in my heart against a goose feather and lived to tell the tale.

This job ain't nothing to me, man.

I won Maupin's so many times they made me a rewards card member.

I won Maupin's so many times I started buying items in bulk.

I found a rock that looks like Vincent Price.

I found a rock that looks like winrar.exe

I found a rock that looks like Yog-Sothoth, the Lurker at the Threshold.

I found a rock that looks like USB dongle.

Last camper that tried getting out of their seat during lunch time got reintroduced to their own identity. I started them back at square numero uno. I took away their object permanence just so I could hand it back with a note on it that said, "next time you might not be so lucky"

I've been on twelve airplane hikes. 

I put the rip in rip-rap and the rap in rip-rap. I put the rip-rap in rip-rap.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn.

Last year I won so many games of Elijahball I had to beg myself for forgiveness.

I'm on emotional probation.

I've counted the stars above the Camp Albemarle field and found them to be lacking.

I found a rock that looks like a skinwalker.

I own a second telephone with Princess Extinguish's number in it.

I am a collector of souls.

The campers offered a sacrifice during capture the flag and I demanded twelve Oxen of the Sun be burned in a bathtub full of SPF 87 sunscreen.

Put gold coins on my eyes because I'm trying to get called first for seconds.

I left the Marshmallow Fairy on read but then added her to my close friends story.

I got a letter just this morning it was post-marked Omaha.

I don't pay no unions dues. If I had a dollar for every time I paid union dues I'd be broke because I don't pay no union dues.

camp flow

I know every movie game initial there is. YCSM. you can't stop me!

I'm like a super massive black hole in the center of the gaga pit galaxy. The peasants collapse into me.

The counselors mistook the rest of the circle for my equals. They're the supporting cast of a one man show. Me! starring Me!

One swing turned the tetherball into a towering inferno. They're still picking the remains of charred crocs out of IG-13.

I can tell when the counselors are lying. The rhythm of their heartbeat is a dead giveaway to my keen auditory perception.

Hit a gainer off the diving board and recited the entire encyclopedia britannica. How's that for a category, guy?

When they say it's Pirates Day I act nonchalant and swash a buckle meaner than any of these two-bit rubes.

Smuggled five hot dogs into the cabin. Cabin Fun Time? More like glizzy-gobblin o'clock.

My friendship bracelet so long it looks like Lenny Kravitz's scarf.

I brought a mini-tupperware full of almonds for snack.

I brought a mini-tupperware full of altoids for snack. My breath smells like an arctic wind.

I don't listen to the rules because my very nature is infallible.

They told me to sit down to use the bathroom but I can levitate so I disregarded the suggestion.

Your lunch to me looks like a belated birthday gift.

Your lunch to me looks like a pauper's delight.

Your lunch to me looks like a pale afterthought.

When camp ends the crows descend upon the field. They know when their master has beckoned.

The pool visibility is a hundred yards to me because I've got eyes like castor canadensis.

I rode the bus in but got picked up from camp because I like to keep the bologna squad on their toes.

If I lick your elbow you become my sibling. I don't make the rules I just lick elbows.

If I tell you good job, it's because you looked like you were about to cry. If I tell you bad job I think you're strong enough to handle the truth.

The sing-along was a 30 minute requiem to those who have fallen before me.

Those I tag in capture the flag bypass jail and astral project into the abyssal zone for three moon cycles.

Todd said he needed the pool drained so I did one can-opener and then had my attorney general mail him an invoice.

Todd said he needed the newcomb court re-sanded so I spent the evening scratching quartz against my chin. My jaw bone makes diamond look like terry cloth.

Only two things know the full extent of my wrath. Invasive species and some poor kid named Banjo Wetselplex

It's not a summer camp to me, I live here. Catch me buried in the creek mud with the toads and crawfish. We play poker on Sundays and smoke ol' stoagies.

We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you're dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played.- Alan Watts

different categories of people: includes 100% of human population

First up are your masters of evil. These people dress in black and purple and have prominent skull motifs. They are often plotting and growing their forces ever stronger. Statistically they will not be stopped and you will do well to align yourself with them and vie for a choice position amongst their ranks.

Soup Preparer: They are medium at most things. What is life if not a bunch of wet lumps in a warm puddle. The soup preparers do a lot of thankless tasks because they are driven by the love of the game but their lack of will to dominate others prevent them from ever becoming a master of evil.

Jolly Ol' Souls: These people are wise beyond their years and they have hobbies where you're like, what the heck? that's not a traditional pasttime? They also dabble in antique sounding phrases. Like swell and goodness gracious

Southern Belles: These are sophisticated women, usually in the Georgia/South Carolina region who enjoy minty juleps on the veranda.

Ok there you go. That's the four types. And then everyone is either one or some combination of them. I'd say I'm mostly a soup preparer and then like a small mix of the other 3 depending on what the situation calls for. Go up to someone in a public square and ask them which one they are.

some favorite moments from this weekend

 field camp winter camp albemarle retreat

"I'm the Lebron James of whatever this is."

"the conjoined"

Fran completely covered in water

"that's a lay-up!"

the peanut butter jelly date

creep cover + onion

the innovation!

-------------------------

Mostly I'm just super grateful to have camp as my found family and that we can come together and have the most fun ever. truly incredible

I cannot say enough about how much more I enjoy running now

 IT'S ALL IN THE HIPS!

THIS IS WHY I MADE THIS MY WHOLE PERSONALITY FOR LIKE 14 YEARS!

WHY WAS I LYING TO MYSELF FOR SO LONG?!

YOU MEAN RUNNING CAN ACTUALLY FEEL EFFORTLESS AND GOOD AND IT'S FUN TO GO FAST?! WHAT?!

YOU MEAN I'M ACTUALLY GOOD AT IT AGAIN?!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

I am going to make my posterior chain so powerful until I ascend into some sort of space shroud.

threw up last night

 woke up around 3am and my stomach hurt. about 90 minutes later I vom'd. then I felt better and went back to sleep. I was looking through my blog trying to find the last time I threw up because I remember writing about it. 

Yes yes yes I just remembered it was December 2019 and I got caught in a cold rain and had hypothermia and later threw up after a disastrous shoe-shopping experience. Is that the last time I threw up? Maybe.

I think I maybe did again at the end of 2021 but I can't remember for sure. 

Anyway here's my attempt to remember for the future. Let's see how long we can go!

I'm pretty sure I threw up because I accidentally bought this reduced fat shredded cheese and it looked weird but I wasn't sure if the cheese had gone bad or if that's just what reduced fat shredded cheese looks like but I'm going to throw it out and never buy it again.

what my name means

andy is shortened version of andrew which comes from the greek word for man, andros. So my name just means like 'guy'.

But I think my name is a combination of the english word for 'and' and the spanish word for 'and' which is 'y'. And-y. 

So it's like when you're naming a list of amazing things and for added effect you do a second and before the third thing. Like, I crossed the highest peaks, and rewound the longest tapes, and...AND computed the optimal route. Or whatever.

And and. My name means and and.

I'm going to name colors and the word that sounds closest to how that color word sounds

violet-violence

red-led

blue-ploo

turquoise-durquoise

yellow-lay low

I don't know where I was going with that. Here's what is important. I never let people know that I don't understand something. If someone is saying something and I don't understand, I lie to myself and tell myself that I do understand. Because as someone who has tried to be understood, the thing I hate the most is when people don't understand. And so if I don't understand, I'm basically making that person hate me. And when I hate someone, I really dislike them. So, it's from a place of empathy and understanding that I always pretend to understand everything that everyone is saying to me.

And that's called being a good person

here's what I think should have happened in Shrek 2

 To understand Shrek 2, we have to understand the first film, Shrek. A lot of people think Shrek is a love story. The culmination of the first film is the union of Shrek and Fiona. The second film continues this line of thought by showing the challenges of marriage. But this is flawed. The failure of the second Shrek movie is that it ends exactly where it started, Shrek and Fiona in a happy marriage. Sure they overcome challenges and the Fairy Godmother sings I Need a Hero but this is all noise. I haven't rewatched the second movie or bothered to look at a synopsis but I feel confident in saying that the movie ends with Shrek and Fiona in a happy marriage. Nothing else about the characters or their relationship or the world that we actually cared about before the movie started has changed. That's not a plot for a movie. That's a plot for a TV show. 

In the first movie, Shrek begins the movie happy in his swamp, terrifying villagers. He ends the movie happy in his swamp with an ogre wife. That's progression. That's the hero's journey. Normalcy, a disruption, a journey, a reckoning, a return to normalcy with a difference. But to have a proper sequel, Shrek can't just be a love story. As we've discussed, there's nothing to build upon there. Shrek is a movie about a guy killing a vicious tyrant, Lord Farquaad. Lord Farquaad at the beginning of the first movie is trying to round up all the fairy tale creatures and they seek refuge in Shrek's swamp so Shrek has to go to the kingdom of Duloc to stop Lord Farquaad. And then later Lord Farquaad gets eaten by a dragon. 

The movie takes a hard turn at the end into the love story but the change Shrek has affected cannot be ignored. This is the fundamental change that occurs in the first Shrek movie. The toppling of a ruthless monarch. And so the sequel of Shrek can only be about one of two things. Either a) Lord Farquaad returns somehow and Shrek must vanquish him again or b) in the power vacuum left behind, Shrek must fill in as the ruler of the land. Both of these plots have been done before and neither is very interesting. Shrek defeating Lord Farquaad again has the same problem as the actual sequel. It doesn't actually go anywhere. The second plot where Shrek learns to rule doesn't have a lot of opportunities for drama. In the first movie, Shrek goes from this outsider and monster to a hero and a revolutionary. And then in the proposed second movie he goes from a revolutionary to leader--a setter and enforcer of the new status quo. But that's not a fun movie to watch. That's a long, complex, difficult process. It might take generations of slow and inconsistent change. The first movie is resolved with a guy being eaten by a dragon. The second movie would be like watching paint dry. 

But here's the fix. Here's what makes it interesting. Donkey turns evil. This is what needs to happen for Shrek 2 to work. Because I'm sure you remember that Donkey and Dragon fall in love. And technically the Dragon is the one that eats Lord Farquaad. Everyone gives Shrek all the credit because it's his swamp and he's part of the major love arc but Donkey was just as much a part of the coup. So now in the 2nd movie, Shrek and Donkey have some disagreement about who has the true claim as the ruler of the former kingdom of Duloc and tensions escalate and lines are drawn and forces are mustered and there's an all-out war between the fairy tale creatures and the people of the realm and then in the end Shrek and Donkey are fighting in the courtyard of Shrek's Swamp Tower and the Dragon tries to eat Shrek like Lord Farquaad but Shrek punches his way out of the back of the Dragon's throat and the Dragon chokes to death and so Donkey in a fit of rage runs a sword through Shrek's ogre-heart and in that moment their eyes meet and Donkey remembers that all he ever really wanted was a friend and Shrek was that friend and Shrek remembers that all he ever really wanted was to be alone and everyone ruined that for him and he dies and with a heavy heart Donkey becomes the ruler of the land and builds a giant mud statue for Shrek and everyone lives in isolation with minimal contact because Shrek taught everyone that we're all monsters on the inside and when we gather together as a society, we become even more monstrous and not even the true friendship of Donkey and Shrek could overcome that so everyone just keeps to themselves.

somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas I need to get myself away from this place

I said, yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change

if it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing

 I did a little bit of hip exercises and mobility and saw a big effect so now I'm doing A LOT of hip mobility and exercises and I think I've fully gone over to fatigue. But I'm okay with that for right now. I'm sure I'll adapt pretty quickly and be stronger for it. It's fun to find out.

the go in wegman's and not fall in love challenge

 you go in wegman's and try not to fall in love with someone. and then, if you win you actually lose

I made up this climb today while coaching

 and the last move was really tricky so I told the kids if any of them could do it I'd give them a dollar. I didn't think I'd have to pay out because I was pretty sure I couldn't do it. I said if I could do it then I would get to pour water on a person's head of my choosing.

Well ten minutes later I figured out how to do the move and then on the next go this girl did it so I payed her a dollar in quarters and then we went out in the parking lot and I poured water over her head. fun day.

 "Anything might have been anything else and had as much meaning to it."

great quote by tennessee williams. the man the state was named after.

It makes me think about that thing people like to say a lot when talking about people in history or inventors or whoever "Oh, if so-and-so hadn't done such-and-such then there never would've been blah-blah-blah" 

That's so lame. What a lame wrong thing to say. It probably would've been done anyway and even if it never happened the world wouldn't have any less meaning or richness. Hamlet says, "there is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so."

So who cares if pop-tarts have already been invented. Make your own product called top-parts and it's where you take like, the top part of an oreo and the top part of candy corn and the top part of a s'more and the top part of a sandwich, and the top part of a banana and the top part of peanut butter that has separated over time and you put all that in food processor and blend it into a paste and inject that into like a bread-pastry thing. And don't let the little minds of others stop you.

doing well!

 Reflecting on some things I've done well in training this Fall

-not taking down weeks. This one maybe doesn't matter too much but because I wanted to hit 3000 miles for the year I couldn't really afford to do down weeks so I've just kept my volume at 67 miles per week for about 13 weeks now. I feel like my fitness has only gone up. 10 miles a day with one long run and a day off isn't too hard for me to manage. What I think has happened is that as my body has gotten more and more used to the mileage, my pace has increased and my workouts have gotten harder. Which is what you want. So, maybe taking those down weeks was just missing out on mileage that I could have been doing.

-doing race specific workouts. I went to race at 5:30 pace so most of my workouts have been around that pace or at race effort given my current fitness. Last year my training wasn't specific enough. A lot of it was probably too slow to be really helpful on race day.

-doing a double on Friday. Two 5 mile runs feels like a rest day compared to one 10 mile run and I usually work in some faster paces for fun. It's a double win

-track workouts on Sunday. I only recently started doing this but I immediately liked it. Normally I'd do a 15 mile run with anywhere from 8 to 10 miles at a moderately hard pace but now I'm doing high quality track workouts when my legs tend to feel their best. That gives me more confidence.

-working on the hips, hammies, and buns. This one has been pretty huge. I forgot why I decided to do some glute activation but I noticed a difference right away. It's hard to describe. It's kinda like if you've been driving on flat tires for a long time and then you finally inflate them. There's a float to my stride again that makes running way more enjoyable and fun. It's like I thought I was enjoying running but really I was riding on the wheels and not the tires. Or something.

Anyway doing well.

went too deep in the tired cave

 I had a really good workout but now I can barely keep my eyes open and I have to go coach. I'm sure I'll be fine when I get there but it's a delicate balance between running hard and having enough energy to function afterwards. No regrets. 

I'm going to be aware of how I feel and mindful of not letting that affect how I treat others.

things I wouldn't do anymore if I was a frog

I wouldn't have to renew my car registration anymore with the DMV. The DMV secret police would pull my car over and try to get me but inside they would just find a frog which would be impossible to arrest.

Pay 9 dollars for fake chicken nuggets. I would eat bugs instead for free.

Reach things for people. A tremendous hassle now alleviated by the fact that I am the size of an apple and would ride around in the coat pocket of my man-servant Beauregard who is a black-belt in karate and has a mustache and carries an axe.

Political intrigue. How can I be expected to keep up with all the goings-ons of politicians when I spend my days and nights sitting in water and screaming with my friends.

Frogs are amphibious.

And the last thing I wouldn't have to do anymore as a frog is suffer the slings and arrows of waiting for water to boil because I heard once that if you put a frog in boiling water it will just be a like hot tub for it. Checkmate.

5:20 is the new 5:30. 70 is the new 75.

 believe it!!

went back to CHT today

 did a fun little half-day family camp. very nice. ate 2 muffins. 

 a one pound nugget of wisdom is equal to a pound of experience. there is a one-to-one exchange rate between wisdom and experience

i am a tree

 a tree is a place unto itself

I SENT THE PROJECT!!!

 AHHHH!! Very happy. very relieved.

Did a good warm-up. Really psyched myself up. Felt good and just did the dang thing. Executed everything really well.

Upwards and onwards

still on the project

 Last Wednesday I was matched on the next to last hold and couldn't hang on to the sidepull sloper and fell off. I gave it more goes but couldn't get back to that spot. Then I ended up doing a lot of climbing and got pretty tired. Friday I knew I wasn't as fresh but still gave some goes and got out of the cave. It was a little colder Friday and maybe my shoe rubber wasn't as sticky or something but the holds felt a little slicker than normal. By the end of the session I couldn't get the toe hook to stick in the cave. 

I think resting two days is too much rest or it's possible my long run workout on Sunday is making me tired. Probably a bit of both. Didn't climb over the weekend and felt recovered but my body was definitely a little tired. I didn't warm up very much at all and hopped on the climb immediately and got to the third to last hold. I think that was my best go. I should have warmed up better. I was consistent in doing all the moves so that's an improvement over Friday.

Probably my best chance at sending is this coming Wednesday. I can rest a lot tomorrow and do a much better job of warming up. If I don't get it Wednesday I will try to climb less and hope I can be fresh for Friday. 

Regardless of the outcome, it's been a fun challenge and I know I've made myself stronger by trying it. If I don't do the climb before it's reset, I'm that much more prepared for the next climb that takes its place.

fresh dill is really good

 gotta say

The Project

click Youtube on the bottom right to watch fullscreen!

Maya Pics

 I'm guessing it's spelled Maya like Maya Rudolph. She's so pretty.

I will never stop talking about elmo saves christmas and halloween

 As we all know, in Elmo Saves Christmas, Elmo wishes for it to be Christmas every day. And then he sees that Christmas can't be every day because it interferes too much with regular life. But here's what I'll say. Here's what I think. 

Halloween could be every month. We could alter it slightly but more or less the tradition of dressing up and going around to get treats and goodies could be on the last day of every month and we'd be a better society for it. And yeah we could still go extra big for the Octoberween. 

But listen, it's not like the way we've got things set up now is perfect. Or even, good at all. Like, pretty much everyone agrees we need to make some changes. Why not start with Halloween every month? Why not? I guarantee you I would not get tired of wearing fun little costumes and giving out snacks to children. That builds a personal sense of identity and community. 

Make. Halloween. Every. Month.

Januween, Februween, Marween, Apriween, Mayween, Juneween, Julween, Augween, Septween, Halloween, Novemberween, Decemberween.

 

approaching something sacred

You have a formative experience running on certain roads and you go back to them and it feels like it touches something way way way deep down inside. Something very affirming and real.

updates on climbing and running

 HUGE progress on the project. Kinda crazy. First go of the day and got two or three moves from the top. Was really happy with that. Rested for about 10 minutes and tried again and was reaching for the finish hold! 

I guess I should've expected that I would become more efficient on the climb and that I would adjust to doing more moves somewhat quickly but I really thought I was a week or more from sending and then I almost did it! Unless I feel bad for some reason I'll expect to send it on Monday but at this point I'm not too stressed about it. I've done all the moves but the last one and I have about two and a half weeks to finish it. Very exciting.

One thing I did a lot of with this climb because it's so long and has a lot of moves was visualizing and rehearsing the climb in my mind. Usually at the end of the day. That was probably the main reason the first part went so quickly and I had more energy for the rest of the climb. It's definitely something I'll keep practicing.

Had a good rest of the session and continued to practice doing 10+ moves on steep. I feel pretty comfortable with power endurance and pushing myself because I think it's something that I've trained a lot with running.

Speaking of running! Broke 5 in the mile for 2023 so the streak is extended to 15 years. I knew I could do it but it was fun to run on the track at the same time my mom was working out and I'm happy with the effort I brought to it. The sun was brutal today! It truly felt like a hot summer day. 

Some days I break 5 because I start running and there's a lot of spring in my step and I know I can do it. Today was a day where I felt average and I did it because I knew I could will myself to do it. Both have their place. 

I went through the first 409 meters right around 75 or 76. I wanted a little bit faster but I felt okay. I tried to relax and came through half way in 2:33. Not an ideal place to be but I figured I might as well finish and see how close I can get. Pushed again for the third lap and came through 1209 in 3:47 and told myself to sprint the last lap. With 200 meters to go I was at about 4:21 so I was back on pace and still not fading. Emptied the tank for a 4:58.37. I ran the last 400 in about 70 or 71 which I'm really happy with. 

Got that checked off finally so I now I can have fine trying to get some Strava segments for the rest of the year. I'll probably run a mile again in November and December when I'm back in Harrisonburg for the holidays. I'd like to get the segment on Park Rd which will take about a sub 5 minute effort. 

Good two days of performance!

project update

 Good session today!

About a month ago I made some goals I wanted to accomplish before December and also the next Rumble. One of them was to flash all the purple and blue tapes on a set. Today I got every V4 and V5 on the newly graded wall first try! That was my goal to be completed by April so I guess I have to set a new goal. Or I can see how long of a streak I can keep going. I was really happy with it. I felt tense and was overgripping the holds and being really conscious about every move but that's probably how I'll be in a comp too so it's a good thing to practice.

After that I went over to the steep room where my project is and got from the low start to the high star/mid point first try! I was pretty excited about that. Then I rested a lot and tried to get from the 5th move to the finish. I got to about 3 moves below the finish but I'm still okay with that. I'm much more consistent on the early section now and now it's about having enough energy left to finish the climb. 

Then I did a bunch of the easier steeper climbs to try to build up some endurance and getting used to the feeling of being pumped and tired. 

None of this is interesting to anyone else but journaling helps build a positive mindset gosh darn it!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a spooky story:

One night, it was late and stormy and Andy made a smoothie. But it wasn't just any smoothie! It was a GHOST SMOOTHIE! Wooooo! OoooOOooOoo. The blender howled and whirled and then the ghost smoothie spilled out and over the blender and went through the floor down to Andy's downstairs neighbor Eric and the smoothie soaked into Eric's nice shag rug and haunt-stained it forever! OOooo! Scary!

Crime

 Crime. What is it? How does it work? What is to be done about it?

Here's an example of a crime. One time my sister lived in a place where she parked her car on the street. And then someone came along and was mad at her car for some reason and tried to destroy the rear driver side window with a can of green beans. They struck the window with the can, damaging the can but failing to break the window. Then they used a second can of green beans to destroy the window and fled the scene. 

This crime is an example of destruction of property via can of beans. This crime went unpunished and the green bean slammer was never caught. I don't know I kind of lost the thread on that one. Pretty crazy story though.

project update

 First off I was dehydrated which is not a great way to go into a session. That said, I was pretty close to reaching my goals. 

I wanted to be able to reach the finish from this toe hook move and I got my fingers on the last hold and held it for a second before falling off so basically did that. I think the whole climb is about 14 moves and I almost sent it from the 6th move. Which I guess is only a little before halfway but the first 4 moves are the easiest and go pretty fast. Move 5 and 6 are probably the two hardest and then it's pretty sustained to the finish on a steep angle. 

Anyway I also almost did my goal of getting from the start to halfway. I can get to move 6 pretty reliably but I couldn't quite get it. I found a good set up for the 5th move which I didn't really do last time so that was good progress. 

Also I was really smooth doing the 2nd half in isolation so overall some great progress. 

Next goal is to get from the start to halfway plus two moves. And also send the climb from the 5th move.

------

The people who do the things to earn nuggets don't need the nugget. The people who only care about getting the nugget can't earn one.

 

101 zen koans

 I found this audiobook on youtube of 101 zen koans. They're like these mini stories that make you go "huh. hmmm"

I like the structure. They're almost like jokes. It's the same principle where they present you with a certain frame of reference and then they usually subvert it in some way at the very end but it's often not supposed to be funny.

If there was a camp zen koan it would go like this,

"There once was a boy who wanted to be great at gagaball. He joined every game but he had no natural aptitude for it and would almost always get out immediately. He never made it to the final two. He never even made it to the final three. By July he was very frustrated and he went to the great zen master who was sitting in the creek looking at a cool bug. 

The boy said, "How can I be great at gagaball?"

The master replied, "What is the nature of a gagaball winner?"

The boy thought for a second, "Cool?"

The master said, "The winner of a game of gagaball is the one with control."

The boy meditated on this for a long time. About twenty minutes. Then he awakened.

He joined the next round of gagaball and as soon it started he ran into the middle of the circle, grabbed the ball, and punted it over the fence into the woods where it was gone forever.

feeling resilient

 Something that causes me a little stress is having big time commitments or long days. In the past it's made me feel really tired and like I have to dig out of a hole to get back to baseline. Today I surprised myself though and had a really long day with not a lot of breaks and I kinda felt great the whole time. I was tired for sure but not a zombie tired. And so maybe that points to some kind of resilience and taking good care of myself that I can have a day like today and not feel totally disrupted. Pretty great.

Also I spent the day coaching and I'm so proud of all the climbers. They crushed it.

it's pretty fun being me

 i can't complain

steep room goals

 there's a good climb in the steep room right now that's a V6 that I know I can get. I can do it from halfway but the first part is kinda tricky and tiring. Today I worked all the moves and learned a lot about it. My next goal is to go from the start to halfway and also go from about a quarter of the way to the finish. Once I've done that then I should be able to do the whole thing so maybe in the next week or two. Yay! Having goals is fun.

here's a funny story I heard

 this girl I coach told me this story she said,

"Today, on the bus ride, this boy bet me twenty dollars that I couldn't make him laugh. And then later, I made him laugh. And I said, 'okay where's my twenty dollars?' And he said, 'We didn't shake on it.' And then later we were walking home and we made a new bet that if one person laughed they would have to give the other person twenty dollars. And we were almost home and I forgot about the bet and then I accidentally laughed. Except, I don't have twenty dollars. So I had to think of something to give him. Hmmmm, so I gave him a rocking chair because we have a rocking chair that my mom wanted to get rid of and he took it home."

Dwayne Michael Carter Jr once said

 I'm not an example for people on how to live their lives and never in my life would I ever set out to be an example for people on how to live their lives. If you need an example for how to live, then you just shouldn't have been born. Straight up.

Not entirely true but fun to think about

I don't want shiny new things

I hate shiny new things. They ruin everything. I want old dirty things that do their job.

Mulch. Celebrate mulch.

Wood. Wood is good.

Forks. Kinda shiny but definitely not new.

I don't want things to be better and more expensive. I want the things that already work fine to be optimized and cheaper.

I wanna do cool things I'm good at

 words to live by

language question

I think language is an end in itself. I started watching this video and this guy was being condescending and saying, "people can share their thoughts and feelings with another person using language." 

It's definitely not a false statement but I don't think language is just for sharing thoughts and feelings. And I think you could go a step further and say that language appears to be used for the purpose of sharing thoughts and feelings but that's not what's actually happening. Language is a generative game that is an innately human activity. We have to do language and as a result of that, thoughts and feelings are shared, sort of.

I really like this tweet and I think it better describes what language is

This first definition from the guy in the video makes it seem like language is a tool that we willingly use to serve our own ends. The second definition I think more accurately shows, through humor, how language is a powerful urge that isn't always rational. 

Why does it matter either way? I guess it doesn't but I think it's fun to think about.

movement

 I mentioned the bathroom sauna aka tub time aka put da space heater in the bathroom and I've been keeping up with that and I think it's really helpful. 

It's good to sit and do nothing for about an hour and just listen to music in the dark. Especially after being in a crowded place with a lot of interaction. Afterwards I feel relaxed but also ready to do a lot of things because I've had time to just sit and do nothing. 

It's also a good time to think thoughts and I remembered that the thing I love is the feeling of movement. That's what's underneath running and climbing and art and music and anything that's fun. A feeling of energy flowing and a state where the more you give the more you get back and everything is connected and good. That's what it's all about.

 One time I was like 19 and this girl that I sort of knew from high school had moved away and then come back to our hometown and I remember she said, "oh this area just has a way of pulling everyone back."

And as a 19 year old I thought that was a terrifying thing to say. I still think at its essence it's a creepy way to phrase it because at a very surface level it implies that the land has some sort of mysterious power that people can't escape from.

But no now has a 32 year old I'm like yeah that's fine it's a cool place. I wouldn't mind living there.

I sold Bitey!

 When I first moved into my apartment the unit two doors down from me had these angry looking monster squirrel made of plaster and foil and I looked at it every day. Then that person moved out and left the monster by the trash so I swiped it and painted it and last week finally brought it to the climbing gym and no one liked it and everyone who saw it was like, "please don't keep that. please make it go away." 

So I then I put it in the display case where we sell the chalk and clif bars and they said if anyone offered to buy Bitey they would sell it for any amount of money so last night at the end of practice I sold Bitey myself for a dollar to an awesome kid and they were really happy with their purchase.

long live Bitey, the no-eyed squirrel with human teeth

 Being yourself is the best kind of thing you can be because growing up my grandma would make me birthday cakes with coconut shavings and jelly beans on top and, chances are, you didn't have that experience so I guess you're stuck being yourself and having something other kind of cake. I truly wish you the best.

bathroom mini-sauna

I take a bath and bring a space heater into my bathroom and crank it full blast and listen to strfkr's first album. I sweat bullets and feel amazing.

Another one of Coach Andy's crazy stories

 Listen up. In life you can't just have anything you want whenever you want. Y'know if I want to climb the hardest climb in the gym today but I'm not strong enough to do it, then it's just not going to happen. Because I'm too weak. And if you pay close attention you'll notice that your own weakness and faults are often the source of your misery and futility. If you were better, things would be better. That's how I live my life every single day. 

On my bathroom mirror, written in red lipstick, is a list of all my faults and ways that I'm not good enough. And every morning I scream read them as loud as I can for all to here and then I set up removing them by becoming stronger. And the most important way to become stronger is to learn how to enter into the dream world and fight the demons of your mind using a lucid-dreaming avatar. 

So after screaming my faults I go back to sleep and enter into the endless Dream War of the unconscious and I've got barrels that I throw. Some of the barrels are heavy and they roll and flatten things they hit. And then others are lighter and bouncy and they knock back opponents. And then there's like flame barrels that explode and catch things on fire. And ice barrels that freeze things. There's a plasma barrel that does plasma. Standard stuff. And it's hordes and hordes of enemies the whole time and they're like "Ah! We're gonna get you this time! You'll have to give us kisses!" And I'm like "No way! Gross!" And I chuck a barrel at them. And then I wake up.

There you go. The recipe for successipe.

my latest project: pledge of the day

The Pledge of Allegiance and it's consequences have been disastrous for the pledge genre. Pledges are supposed to be a fun way to unify your gang of rascals and hooligans! Same words, same heart, same mind!

So I'm going to save the form single-handedly and write brand new pledges for the modern day. 

This is the Monday pledge.

Crawling in my skin

These wounds, they will not heal

Fear is how I fall

Confusing what is real

Look at that mountain

Look at those trees

Look at that bum over there, man, he's down on his knees

look at these humans

There ain't nothing like em' anywhere

I love Monday (we love it!)

I'm a competitive person

 I might go so far as to say that I'm an overly competitive person. I don't always manage it as well as I should and because of that I say some pretty ridiculous things sometimes without thinking about it.

But anyway a week ago we were doing this climbing game and there was a miscommunication  about where this climb we made up was supposed to end and this girl who I've coached for a few years now got really frustrated and said to another kid on the team, "Well I would've done it but that IDIOT told me the wrong thing." And she gestured at me when she said idiot. It made me feel bad and we talked about it and I asked her to apologize but in the back of my mind I knew like 'andy you've said similar things in competitive situations, and not just as a kid either but as a full grown adult'

Anyway the practice ended on this sour note but then today she was really nice and that was really gratifying and affirming. I feel like I do the same thing. Like, man, you messed up last time so you better really make an effort this time. And I could tell she was doing that. So that felt good. What a great kid. 

We're all humans trying to do human things.

I'm gonna rank every type of person I can think of for like 15 minutes

 people who make things: People who make things are like demi-gods amongst the earth. They transmute their life force energy into doodads and googaws and art and music and inventions and crafts and that's enriching the planet. That's improving the lives of everyone that encounters their creations. As long as it's from a place of creative joy. Or maybe joy is the wrong word. The creative urge. Yeah they're great.

people who listen and ask great questions: This is a rare and precious diamond of a person. They're simple carbon that has been hardened and had their molecules perfectly aligned in a crystalline matrix by a good upbringing and positive role models

vegetarians: aka people who don't eatsa the meatsa on the pizza. they're pretty cool

people who close: They're the last ones to leave. That's dedication. I think as a society we prioritize waking up early way too much. We know it's bad for us. We know most people aren't getting enough sleep. We know lack of sleep is killing us. And yet we valorize this self-destructive borderline criminal behavior. Go back to bed. People who close though. They get it. End on a strong note. Save the best for last.

people who use behaviors instead of their words: They're working on it. Or maybe they're not working on it. And maybe because of all the behaviors they keep pushing people away who could help them. It's like having a big ol stinky fart cloud around you all the time. Except the farts are behaviors. When you could use you words like saying "Excuse me". Or like soap. Words are like the soap of your reputation. 

people who drive too fast: slow down. stop being in a race to die. we're all gonna get there. no need to rush.

people who can whistle: people who can whistle peaked around 2010. and then later kid cudi made humming cool all by himself. humming is cool. humming is like the crayon drawing of music. humming is like hugging. think about this, remember that scene in kill bill where the one lady is dressed up as a nurse and she's walking to the room uma thurman is in and she's got that needle and twisted nerve is playing and it's got that scary whistling. imagine if that was humming. think about that.

I finally put up things on my walls

 it makes things a lot better. I should have done it sooner instead of waiting like 15 months. I'll take pictures tomorrow.

Today was good. I'm not sick anymore and I felt good on my run. Put up some art and stickers at the climbing gym.

If I could go a whole month without getting sick that would be fantastic.

the eternal recurrence of the same

 shoe mountain chalk nuggets snail slime

shoe mountain is the mountain of rental shoes that gets sprayed and put away every night. only to return again.

chalk nuggets are the reward for doing a challenging climb or trying something you were scared to do. but most kids when they learn about it just try to game the system and earn a nugget for something that wasn't very hard. 

snail slime is the substance my feet produce that no longer make me able to use toe hooks when climbing

i reject cartesian dualism

there's some food smell in my apartment right now and it makes me want to throw up

I think it's coming in through the windows

I saw some plants and the side of the path and thought of Isaiah 15:3 in the streets they wear sackcloth; on the roofs and in the public squares they all wail, prostrate with weeping

I think I was too close to my essential oils and they created an ulcer in the back of my throat

I was sooooooo gassy today

and the dogs and the frogs and the logs and the wogs and the togs and nogs and rogs and sogs and cogs and hogs and jogs and zogs all glowed

glowing like the knots of dead red grasses that choke the marsh under the bridge in the light of the earliest sunset of October

a little under the weather

Feeling a little sick. Didn't get a lot of sleep and started to feel off in the late morning and now I for sure have something. 

I'm a little relieved because I thought I was in a bad mood for no reason and the track workout I planned yesterday never got off the ground and I wasn't totally sure why. 

Here's a lingering thought I've been having: A long time ago I was with my uncle and his son and we were driving or something, I forget what. Or maybe we were at a hotel. I don't remember.  The thing I remember is they were disagreeing about something and my uncle, to prove his point, said my cousin's age and then said his own age "you fourteen, me fifty-something". As if to say, how could you possibly know more than me about this. I remember at the time feeling uncomfortable about it and thinking it was a pretty off-putting thing to do. I'd love to go on and on about why that's such a unhelpful way to prove one's point but the meat of this story is that I basically did the same thing while coaching yesterday. I was asking this climber to shift their weight while using an undercling and I was demonstrating and another climber did the move really well and the first climber went, "Well you're both taller than me so that's why it's easier."

In hindsight, I could've reflected on the feeling they were trying to express which was something like "I am a small child and I am frustrated by a lot of these climbs which are very clearly not set with my height in mind" Even in this specific instance where height was not a limiting factor, I can see how that was on their mind. But in that moment I wanted to be right and I wanted to prove I was right. How long have you been climbing for? It was the kind of thing where I knew it was wrong as I was saying it :/

Anyway, I circled back later and was like, I will never ask you to do something that you can't do because of your height and if height is a limiting factor I will be the first person to admit it. But I had already botched the interaction at that point. 

One thing that's challenging for me is when we get a group that's new to climbing and pretty unresponsive. If kids are excited about climbing, that's easy to work with. And usually if kids aren't that into climbing I can build a good rapport. On the day this happened I felt like I couldn't do either. The kids didn't really want to climb and they didn't want anything to do with me. I think in those cases it's hard to sit back and wait because you want to do something. I'm a coach so I better go do coaching. But if the climber isn't really looking for coaching then you're just kinda asserting your authority for your own ego. Yeah, I think making it clear that you are a useful resource and willing to help but then waiting for them to initiate is the way to go. On top of basic monitoring safety and behavior and stuff.

good job past me coming through with the lentils

 finished my run tonight and it was pretty late and I was tired about to resign myself to not having a very good dinner BUT THEN!

I looked at my stove and remembered that six hours earlier, past Me had the foresight to start soaking a bunch of lentils in a pot. So I had a delicious dinner of lentils.

Dang, way to look out for me, me.

Feast of Fools

I was making the schedule for the overnight camp today and we needed an evening program and I wrote in Feast of Fools. It was this holiday celebrated by medieval clergy where for one day they would all elect some person of low status to be a False Archbishop and everyone who was high status would pretend to be all lowly and they would all listen and do whatever the False Archbishop said. 

A big thing about overnight camps is that they're very routine based by nature and so if you pay even a little bit of attention you can start to figure out what's going to happen at any given time. So I think it would be fun if for an afternoon/evening we elected arguably the least qualified camper and had them do an impression of what they thought running the camp day looked like. We'd boil an entire camp day down into about 90 minutes to 2 hours and every section of the day would be 5 to 15 minutes long and we'd have to do them exactly how the False Camp Director instructed.

Also, I learned that back in 11th century times, fool was a synonym for humble. So just a Feast of Humble People.

did it all today!

 man. truly a 110% day.

-woke up early

-had a meeting about camp

-went to the dentist and had NO CAVITIES and GREAT HYGIENE

-sent an email

-drove to the park and ran a GREAT WORKOUT

-coached some kids

-climbed on my own and finished all my project climbs and sent a bunch of new ones

-hung on the doorframe to my bathroom. don't worry it's safe

all that's left to do is EAT A LOT OF FOOD

 today a girl I coach gave me the babiest little tomato that she picked from her garden and instead of eating it I stuck it in my ear and insisted that it was my Air Pod for all of practice

photos from this morning

 

one of my plant corners

me looking sleepy because I just woke up

some rings in various stages of completeness

baby spider plants I plan to give away soon

an ink drawing on wood with some african violets also

the more you do, the more you can do

 the more you do, the more you can do

the point at which many grows from a few

you play pretty good fiddle boy, but give the devil his due

enough of the old becomes the new new

I'll dare to expect more from myself. I'll go further than beyond. Beyond the beyond.

Like a bug stuck to the roof of a volvo on the interstate. 

bug speed!

did 4 weeks of 8x200, now what? also, as best I can tell, my yearly bests in the mile since 2008

 There are two paths.

1) focus on 100 meter sprints and try to get really fast. like 100 meters in 13 seconds and 200 meters in 28 seconds (fast for me)

or

2) go up to 8x400 meters and try to break 5 minutes in the mile at the end of October

I'll do option 2. I've broken 5 minutes for a mile every year since 2008 and I haven't done it for 2023 yet.

Let me try to remember my yearly mile bests for every year:

2008- 4:54. at one of the last track meets of my junior year

2009- 4:50. at the first indoor meet of my senior year and then I didn't break it

2010- 4:40! I know it was at an EMU summer meet after my freshman year of college. 

2011- 4:37. random time trial with Team Blitz. I remember I went 70, 70, 70, 67

2012- 4:35. I think this was my PR for a while in an EMU summer meet the year I worked at the Rec Center

2013- 4:42 in a random workout with 2.0

2014- Before a cross country race in the Fall I ran like a 4:54 on the track. Also in the summer I would go to the track and run one sub-5 for a workout 

2015- 4:29. great 1600 time trial with Abrham. current PR. last great summer of training.

2016- 4:32. A time trial with RMR one morning. I remember I led most of this and closed really well

2017- Through April or so this was the fittest I've ever been but the only miles I can find are a random 4:59 I did at the end of a run on roads and the first mile of a really bad 5k that I ran in 4:55. still counts! I 

2018- 4:57. an injury filled year but I did some of my highest volume ever and ran this in sandals

2019- 4:44. this was that spring I was really really fast for no reason and ran this while feeling terrible

2020- 4:37. a covid time trial. I was really fit this year. did a lot of speed

2021- best I could find was a 4:53. don't know what I was doing this year. a bit lost

2022- 4:42 at a summer track meet at CHS. this was impressive given camp and the heat it was run in. got covid shortly after

2023- at some point in October I'll do it.

After I do the 10 miler in March 2024 I'm going to go back to trying to PR in the mile. I'm confident I can do it. Looking back through my yearly bests I'm impressed by my college times. My workouts weren't very structured and I think I was doing a lot of fast running at the end of runs. Maybe I'll do some more of that. It's always fun.

some things I remember from maw maw and paw paw's house growing up

- timing myself running around the house

-learning how to throw a frisbee

-the wood storage in the basement

-climbing on the sheds

-the cherry tree

-the grape vine

-the neighbor's house with a bridge over a creek

-the big satellite dish that moved in the backyard

-playing baseball

-trying to find the thing that changed in the house from my last visit

-the way the channels changed on the TV

-the breakfast bar

-getting my hair washed in the sink

-playing video games in the basement

-eating corn by the big tree in the backyard and maw maw saying, "I've seen birds clean it better than that!" and then I would have to eat every kernel off the cob

-the birthday cakes with my choice of decoration on the icing

-the treadmill and rowing machine in the basement

-the swings

-the smell of the inside of the sheds

-the truck and the car that sit outside my apartment now

-the old red car that would take us to their house on the weekend

-the way Maw Maw says AMP and Dunham-Bush

-waking up early and seeing Paw Paw sitting in his chair

-the way they laughed at hanna-barbera cartoons

-the way paw paw loved peanuts

-being sick on christmas and going to the hospital

-opening too many presents on Christmas Eve and not having as many to open on Christmas

-forming a clubhouse in the base of a big tree

-telling Maw Maw "I can eat grass!" and her saying, "No you can't. You'll throw up all over your new white shoes." And then I ate grass and threw up all over my new white shoes

I had a good childhood

peace mode and chaos mode

 My apartment has windows on two sides. My living room and bedroom windows face South and the shops and busy roads are on that side. My kitchen and bathroom windows face North and it's a quiet residential street with lots of trees and greenery. 

When I open the windows on the South side that's chaos mode. I hear the loud cars revving their engines on the bypass. I hear the people yelling outside the restaurant downstairs. The north facing windows are peace mode. I hear the birds in the trees. I hear someone practicing smooth jazz trumpet today. I hear the wind rustling the leaves.

Last night I woke up around 3 AM from coughing and I thought I was getting sick because I couldn't take a deep breath without wanting to cough. And then after I don't know how long I had a really big cough that hurt my throat and I guess it cleared whatever chalk dust or virus or whatever junk was in my lungs because then I was fine and my sinuses cleared and I passed out for like 6 hours straight.

Anyway right now it's peace mode and it's great.