today I saw a blue chair

 hello everyone. thank you for coming to my reading. I will be reading the piece I have written. The title of the piece is "today I saw a blue chair". 

today I saw a blue chair. It was out by the trash cans. The cushions were in the cans last night and they were taken away. The chair was left. It was a blue lowrider armchair. Just like a regular armchair but on the ground. I decided to take it into my apartment to see if I could find room for it and purchase replacement cushions after the fact. Unfortunately, I do not have the floor space. I took it back outside where it sits to this very day. I hope you all learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes someone will try to get rid of you and they will fail. And then someone else will come along and try to take you in and they will fail as well. I guess nothing can be done. Thank you.

also I'm a bus driver now!

 

batomon showdown: a reminder of who I was once and apparently still am

 About 10 years or so ago I remember telling people things like "Yeah I don't play video games anymore. I have an addictive personality and they end up taking up too much of my life." And that was true. And I lived my life knowing that was true and avoiding things that would lead to that cycle.

Flash forward 10 years later to the present day and I discovered this little game called Batomon Showdown and it was like this pit in my psyche that I knew so well and took care to avoid went unnoticed for so long that leaf debris and clutter had formed a thin covering over the top. And then, brother, I fell in that pit hard. This cute little pixelated skinner box had my dopamine system going crazy. I know what it's doing to. I know exactly how it's pulling me in and keeping me there and I don't even care in the moment. 

Maybe it's not like this for everyone but when I'm hooked on a game like this it drastically changes how I function. I stayed up late. If I'm not playing it, I'm thinking about playing it. I feel like large stretches of time pass while I'm playing. It makes me worry about young people. It's too strong. I get why it feels like certain kids aren't really present. And this game is like, tame compared to other things. But after I stop playing, my mind is still thinking about the game.

I'm not saying video games are bad. Who even cares. But Skinner Boxes are bad. 

me playing video games on the computer

I relearned something about how I'm wired this weekend.

biggest horse ever

 I don't like to delve too deeply into philosophical questions but sometimes you just have to wonder in spite of yourself,

do you think the biggest horse ever wishes it was bigger?

update on the parking lot pumpkin

 it got stoled!

it got nabbered!

ransacked!

disappeared!

Perhaps an enterprising raccoon purloined it and will fashion it into a motor vehicle--not unlike a worm driving an apple car.

shoutout Richard Scarry

Once I read that if you don't have a job that can be drawn by Richard Scarry you don't have a real job. I think my job counts.I do just kind of exist in a group in a very specialized fashion but I think it counts. I wear a green t-shirt every day at least. It has a uniform.

sample of the write-up for the climbing league I run

 The teams have separated themselves into three brackets that I will go over without revealing scores or placings. Teams are listed in alphabetical order in their respective groups.

THE PODIUM CONTENDERS! 

Not Too Shabby Slabby Crabs- No one should be surprised to see that the Funny Animal Name Team is once again vying for a podium spot. Obviously they’d like to get second. Last night it seemed like my sister Erin, for the second week in a row, was going to run out of time to finish a green V4 before Rocky Top closed but she mustered the will (mustard the Will?)--she MUSTERED THE WILL to top it out with the support of her crustaceous teammates. They’re having fun. They’re sending hard. It’s what League is all about.

Melissa & the Danimals- No one should be surprised that a team of Rocky Top employees is once again vying for a podium spot. They work here. It’s like it’s their job or something. Climbing League is first and foremost about the people BUT it’s also about establishing and reinforcing power structures. Remember, kids: The House Always Wins.

MidLife Cruxes- No one should be surprised that the reigning champions of Climbing League are once again vying for a podium spot. A key element to the success of the MidLife Cruxes is strategy. Captain Mike isn’t just trying out climbs willy-nilly and hoping for the best. No. He’s gathering intel. He’s surveying the scene. He’s relaying information and beta to his fellow Cruxes. Climbing League isn’t a game of checkers. It’s that other scary game where all the pieces do different things and they get mad if you call the horse a horse and the castle a castle. The MidLife Cruxes are thinking two moves ahead and that’s what Climbing League is all about.

Papa’s Climberia: Set Fire to the Seventh Plate- The Sequel: ENDGAME- No one should be surprised that the team with the longest name in all the land is once again vying for a podium spot. You should see this team when the chips are down and it’s time to lay it all on the line. They’re fiery and gritty. More than any other team they’re willing to power up and eat an inordinate amount of red meat to fuel themselves to victory. The Papas have Passion and that’s what Climbing League is all about.

Plate Lickers- No one should be surprised that a team as strong as the Plate Lickers are once again vying for a podium spot. Last night, during Shadow Council time, a member of the Plate Lickers came to me and said, “I’ve done the hardest climbs available to me on these sets and some of them are below my base grade.” And maybe some sort of Strawman League Commissioner would have said, “Too bad! That’s what you get for being strong!” But not me. I don’t think you should be penalized if there just aren’t enough climbs available to you. I said four weeks ago that I’d make deals to those who offered them. And that’s what League is all about.

The Space Dolphins- You should be surprised that the Space Dolphins are vying for a podium spot. I mean, they came out of nowhere. They could rival the debut season of PBR. A dark horse from nowhere that stuns the field?? That’s what Climbing League is all about.

thoughts of the rainy first day of fall

 in a Werner Herzog mode

The rain that fell today was like a punishment. The sky knows that we have basked in the light for too long. Bow your heads. It is time to begin the return to the Earth. The time of dying. I live surrounded by a parking lot. Crumbling patches of tar that keep the rain from the ground and shunt it to sewage. Even still, on my walk I saw weeds and happy small plants bursting through the edges of buildings. Life is irrepressible. A man will come with fire and poison to kill these plants. Perhaps the property managers fear that if we don't kill all the plants the people will forget we don't actually live in this hell they've made. Can you imagine a land of eternal damnation where devils and demons run around constantly trying to stomp out the paradise they've built over that keeps finding ways to break through?

It is a comedy. It is my favorite comedy. The comedy of two people who openly hate each other and yet are bound by some force to continue to interact. It is unthinkable to not engage. Jerry and Newman from Seinfeld. Or, from my own life, growing up we had a toy called Bop It Extreme where a man would scream directions threw a poor quality speaker and after a period of neglect he would loudly declare, "I'M GOING TO SLEEP" and I will never forget the time that he yelled this and my mother replied, "yes bop-it go to sleep!"