my parking lot pumpkin

 

god bless ye parking lot pumpkin

 Let me say up top, the Earth is round. It's definitely not flat. It's round.

Now let me say--I think most people (or at least me) would be better off with an imagined antiquated sense of geography. 

I'm open to the idea that some people love to look at a map of the whole world or a globe and know that it's all there and accurate and except for tiny little remote pockets we've basically got it all in satellite images. Maybe to them it fills them with wonder and helps them to imagine what it would be like to go there.

Not me. You know this. I'm a dweller. I want an accurate map of the town I live in and then some extensions for the interstates and highways I know how to navigate. And then 'The Far Lands'. These are places I've maybe been to once or twice or know I could get to if I had to. I know for sure there's at least one ocean. Put a big serpent in the middle of it. Then a lot of 'Great Beyond'. 

I'm not saying I want to be willfully ignorant. It's important that we have this information. I'm just saying scale matters. 

I look at a map of the whole world, that's too much information. I don't live there. I know I do technically but the human animal part of me doesn't live there. 

I AIN'T NEVER GOING TO THE MALDIVES!

But! I did find this map of the place I live and it's not perfect but I feel like it's a good example of what I'm kind of getting at

This tells me something the human part of me wants to know.  This person's humor and viewpoint is kinda 'meh' but this does something for me that like 'maps for navigation' doesn't do. 

here's something that I feel needs addressing

 1- sounds the same as 'won'. perfect. 

2- sounds the same as 'too' and 'to'. awesome. surely the next number will feature even more homophones!

3- is its own unique word?! maybe equates to 'free' or 'tree' given the accent? ok fine. I guess we aren't doing number homophones anymore. 

4- 'for' AND 'fore'. 

And then NONE of the other numbers mean anything else. 

just kidding!

8 and ate!

I don't like homophones. We should do something about it. There's no reason for wildly different meanings to be mapped to the same sounds. It's not like we ran out. Make em different. Surely we can unite in this effort.

Some are okay. Some can stay. Like the word 'can'. But not 'some' and 'sum'. Or 'but' and 'butt'. Or 'not' and 'knot'. Or 'or' and 'oar'

you gotta spend money to eat money

 phrase for grocery store

it's only fun when I do it

 I really like the phrase 'blasted plain'.

Which is me misremembering the line 'blasted heath' from Macbeth.

So I typed 'blasted plain shakespeare' into Google and the AI correctly identified that the phrase blasted heath occurs in Macbeth BUT THEN

it completely hallucinated a line containing 'blasted plain' in John Milton's Paradise Lost. It just mashed together a bunch of different lines from Paradise Lost and then made its own to seem right.

And I feel like now is the time that something has to be done about this.

As an English Major, if someone misremembers a line from Shakespeare and types in 'blasted plain shakespeare' and they are handed an utterly fabricated section of Milton's Paradise Lost, the very underpinnings of society are in jeopardy!

now I've seen just how bad things can get

it sickens and horrifies me

how could we let this happen

it's only fun when I misremembering lines from classic literature and make up things about them that aren't true. THAT'S WHAT HUMANS ARE FOR! THAT'S WHAT MY COLLEGE EDUCATION WAS ALL ABOUT! 

stand down robots

what was the other stuff that rises in the sun also rises?

 bread?

breadcatcher

 a reimagining of Catcher in the Rye by someone who read it once 12 years ago. Holding Cauliflower escapes from his wretched boarding school and is pursued by the relentless breadcatcher. Holding seeks to destabilize the portal between the human world and the duck world by using a mind control technique wherein he labels someone a 'phony' and they must do his bidding. The closer the breadcatcher gets to Holding the more he realizes that he is only being drawn further and further into the web of Holding's mindless drones.