scene

 The stage is totally dark. The house lights are off. The room is totally dark. The light outside and the neon sign is off. The night is totally dark. The moon is out. The stars are out. 

Not "out" in the sense that they're visible but "out" in the sense that you can't see them. Keep up.

The space behind your eyes is dark. Your guts are all completely dark. All you've ever known and come to expect is dark. Your future is dark. Your past is dark. The present? Also dark. Stay with me.

The owl hoots darkly. The frog peeps darkly. The dog howls darkly. The puddle sloshes darkly.

As dark as the inside of your shoe. As dark as the oven when it's off and closed in a dark kitchen with no lightbulbs in it. A clear window pane above the sink that separates darkness from darkness. 

Will there be a spark? Will there be a flicker?

The show begins in the dark. The show ends in the dark. Somewhere in the middle it was supposed to happen. Afterwards people are sure they saw it. Or, they're sure they saw it at least one time. Or, they're sure that they know someone who is sure that they saw it a long time ago. They're sure of it. It's definitely happened. Why would we all gather and hope and cheer if it never actually happened? Why would it all be set up this way if it never actually happened even once?

I was sick on Sunday and monday

 

Depending on whether you look out of the South or North windows in my apartment you either see trees or a dystopian landscape of buildings and roads and concrete plants. 

So the other day when I startled out of a restless 30 minute congested 'nap' at 4 in the morning and saw nothing but bleak concrete and steel I thought, 'I give up. I just give up.'

But then I looked out of other windows and I un-gave up. It's really just one specific angle you have to look out of to lose all hope. As long as you can avoid that you're okay.

 where my mind goes when I think about wanting to write. Remembering watching rented VHS movies that we would get on the way to Timberville. Still seeing the building on the side of the road on Route 42. Remembering the glow of the lamps and the static fuzz of the TV and feeling safe and warm. Remembering eating corn on the cob under the big tree in the green backyard. Asking, 'did I eat all of it?' and Maw Maw saying, 'a bird could clean the corn better than that.' Remembering the smell of the firewood in the basement and the heat of the furnace in the dark corner. The treadmill and the rowing machine and being tall enough to pull the metal cord of the lightbulb. The weight of the door to the basement and the creaking of the steps. The tartness of the cherry trees and climbing on top of the new shed to left of the old metal shed. The smell of oil and gasoline and seeing spiders and wasps. The light coming through the grape vine and learning to throw a frisbee and how to hit a ball with a bat and running laps around the horse. The feeling of not wanting to leave on Sunday afternoon. The taste of ice water from the tap and the heavy blankets that I would always kick off in my sleep. Each memory is precious. Each is a step on the path I have taken. 

hyacinth

 I think words are like a costume. You say certain words because you want to appear a certain way to the people around you. You want to reinforce that image to them and maybe even yourself. I guess that's what affirmations are. 

Some words aren't for me. Some words aren't for me to use. No not that word. I mean words like hyacinth. 

Every once in a while in my life I've encountered people who are entitled to the word hyacinth. Usually women. A man who uses the word hyacinth is incredibly dangerous. I should clarify that I mean outside of its strict botanical meaning. I mean a man who uses hyacinth in a figurative sense or to evoke a specific image. 

Women who use hyacinth are usually well-read poetry types who probably had a few close friends growing up and had enough emotional intelligence to realize that other kids didn't like them or understand them but they themselves were okay with that and accepted it for what it is. 

Today my fake burger meat was like a pink puddle instead of the normal patty shape consistency but I ate it anyway and so far it seems like I got away with it.

my sister got the pharmacy residency she wanted!

 yay Erin! I'm so proud of her! She works so hard and is such a great person!!!

here's what happens to plastic bottle caps

 a plastic bottle cap is born when it is pooped out of a machine and then mechanically attached to plastic bottle. then it sits in a store for what feels like forever because a plastic bottle cap has no sense of time. but it's also no amount of time and also forever. Then the drink gets purchased by me Andy and I consume the liquid and turn it into me but get rid of most of it where it ends up in the water cycle and probably the carbon cycle a little bit too. And maybe the dirt cycle. Anyway I keep the bottle cap and put it in my junk drawer by my coffee machine to mature and gather energy.

Once it has sat long enough and the weather gets nice then I take it out of the drawer and use a sharpie to inscribe an ancient and future rune on it and put it in a bag with other bottle caps that have undergone a similar process.

Now that bag sits on my shelf until I decide to take it to the rock climbing gym where it sits in the setter's closet and gathers energy there. 

I know what you're thinking. How's he going to save the world? How will this save the world?

Guess what, idiot. The world doesn't need saving. Because the world is the world and can't be destroyed in any meaningful way. That's where the bottle caps come in. One bottle cap is special and will be cast forward into time where it will absorb energy from the sinister sun that will appear next to our regular sun out of nowhere ten thousand years in the future. The sinister sun can destroy the Earth in a meaningful way.

But because I've sent the bottle cap forward in time to absorb energy from the sinister sun, it can return back to the present and incubate inside the Earth like a vaccine. And the Earth will develop antibody bottle caps that will sprout out of trees when the sinister sun radiation hits. Those bottle caps will destroy the sinister sun and fulfill the prophecy.\

I don't really know though your guess is as good as mine.

thank you crab! I do help the children be in the sky!

For the past two weeks I've felt like I've been on the verge of getting sick but it never fully hit and today I feel like I'm out of it and more in my body and brain than I have been. So that's good.

good good good.