once again trying to memorize Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven

 I attempted this in high school and college halfheartedly but this time we'll really go for it.

I know the start. It goes

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore--

while I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came up a tapping,

as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door--

Only this. And nothing more."

Ah! How distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December

And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

Eagerly, I wished the morrow--vainly I had sought to borrow

from my books surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Lenore--

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore.

Nameless here for evermore. 

It's kind of harder to type it because I don't know exactly where all the line breaks are and which punctuation he uses where but I can do the first stanza well and today I was working on the second stanza.

Tomorrow I'll try to do the first two stanzas and then work on the third.

Surcease. Great word. Stoppage.

the novemberest of days

 A bias I have is that I remember my childhood as having more ideal seasonal weather. Growing up we had winters where it really snowed and felt like winter. And the Spring time felt like Spring when it was supposed to. And the Fall was as Fall as Fall ever get.

But I gotta say,

Today is an all-time November day.

Grey skies. Beautiful red, yellow, and orange trees. Moderate temperature. Just a dead-on early November type day. 

There's a little ol' critter in me rocking back and forth on its rocking chair on the porch saying to itself "mmm-hmmm. that's real good, november."

they done shut my water off!

 not because I didn't pay my bill or anything

they just shut it off!

I can't wash my hands!

The thing about having my water shut off is that I automatically start to assume I can't do other things that aren't related to water. 

Like I forget that I can still use electricity. 

And use the internet.

And flush the toilet.

ONCE!

Exactly one time.

You can flush the toilet exactly one time.

But yeah.

You can still drink the old cold coffee out of the pot.

Just not shower, make rice or pasta, or wash your hands.

nobody said it was easy

 I won't lie to you

This life ain't easy.

Except for the parts that are wildly easy sometimes.

And then other things that seem like they should be doable--

completely impossible.

So I guess what actually isn't easy

is knowing if things will be easy or not.

Because you really can't argue that at least a few things aren't easy.

Grilled cheeses.

Couldn't be easier.

But I'm lactose intolerant.

Scorned by God then, I suppose.

Retire to your chamber of seclusion

and wax on about sorrows innumerable.

Not me though.

Over here on the couch

eating this banging grilled chee

rainbow kitten unicorn leotard

 this girl came into the gym yesterday hiding behind her mom, she was probably like 4 years old, and she looked upset and her mom explain that at the gymnastics gym across the parking lot where she had just been, she had seen a leotard with rainbow kitten unicorns on it and she really wanted it.

they checked in and before they went up the stairs to the climbing area the girl had to pause and, like an actor giving an especially juicy monologue, say, "BUT I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"

And she kind of threw herself to the ground as if the force with which she wanted this rainbow kitten unicorn leotard was too much for her body to contain.

I used to want things that badly. I remember my dad had to drag me away from a card stand in the mall because I was screaming that I need to buy an Electabuzz Pokemon card with my own money for like thirty dollars and it was such a rip-off that my dad refused to let me buy it. But man did I want it.

It's probably some combination of training self-control and seeing enough things that you lose that all-consuming want but I aspire to want something as bad as this girl wanted this rainbow kitten unicorn leotard

loving the song Fall in Philadelphia by Hall and Oates

 a beautiful lovely song about a terrible time in a terrible place

that's songwriting

that's craftsmanship

you ever just pluck a memory out of your brain

 When I was young I went to this daycare called Minnieland from pre-k to like 3rd grade and on the playground area we had this big house thing made of like plywood. I guess it was technically a small house but in my kid eyes it was a big house. And I remember once that this girl named Katie Crittenden told me that I pushed her out of the window of this house when she was sitting on the windowsill. But I don't remember that. And I didn't remember it at the time. I only have the memory of her telling me that I had done that years before. 

And so maybe that's my first memory of not having a memory. And it was this thing that she very clearly remembered about me and felt the need to tell me about it years later and I had absolutely no memory of it.

Which is kinda monstrous, if you think about it. So I don't know maybe that's what set me straight. No more window pushing for me after that.

Also today during the warm-up at practice someone said, "I've known myself my whole life."

Which I immediately took issue with. You haven't known yourself your whole life. Not even close.

You haven't even begun to know yourself until Katie Crittenden reminds you that you pushed her out of a window one time and you have to reckon with others having a perception of you based on your real words and actions but is, at the same time, entirely removed from your subjective experience. That's knowing yourself.