The Conqueror Worm by Edgar Allen Poe

 In honor of the month of October, the month of my anti-birthday, my second and actually my first favorite month, I'll be discussing the poem The Conqueror Worm by Edgar Allen Poe.

https://poemuseum.org/the-conqueror-worm/

You can read it yourself here. I'll summarize as best I can.

Actually, there's a lot going on. Maybe over the course of the entire month of October I will do a line by line analysis of Poe's Worm poem.

It starts with the line:

Lo! 'tis a gala night

So right off the bat we've got the exclamation 'Lo!' Which is an old expression meaning 'Look!' or 'Behold!'

Pay attention! Edgar is telling you. AH! he says.

'Tis a gala night.

He's saying it's a festive, celebratory night. A special occasion. In other words,

HEY LOOK EVERYBODY THEY'RE THROWING A PARTY!

Then he says

Within the lonesome latter years--

So he's like subverting the first line a little bit. It's a special occasion but it's also lonesome somehow. And 'latter years' I feel like refers to the end of something. You might imagine some ghost town or soon-to-be ghost town. Like how in Salt Lake City the lake is evaporating and it's releasing all these heavy metals and junk so it will probably eventually be uninhabitable. That's something my sister told me once. But anyway we've got this celebration of sorts in this place and time where things are on their way out, so to speak. A last hurrah, perhaps!

Lo! 'tis a gala night

Within the lonesome latter years--

A mystic throng, bewinged, bedight

in veils and drowned in tears,

Here's one thing that always gets me about this kind of analysis, I imagine ol' Edgar Allan Poe wanted to be understood in real time, ya know? Like he's speaking in a poetic mode obviously but I don't think his intention was for people to have to look up these words. I don't know. And like, I can make enough sense of the words to know what's going on but to really understand it and make sure I'm not missing something, I gotta look up a lot of this stuff. 

Anyway this group of people is a mystic throng-- so it's like some sort of magical crowd. Or an gathering of people with esoteric knowledge. A mystic throng is just a great phrase, in my opinion. Then he says they are 'bewinged, bedight'. He's suggesting they're wearing wings some sense and then he says they're dressed in veils and drowned in tears.  

I'm not exactly sure what he's saying this crowd looks like. It seems like it's supernatural in some way and they're also sad. Deeply sad. Mournful veil sad. Drowned in tears, even. Boo-hooing. Absolute boo-hooery. What are they so sad about? Their society collapsing? But it's a party.

And that's where we'll leave it for tonight. Tune in tomorrow. To learn the next 4 lines that make up the second half of the first stanza. Weird stuff going on.

something I think about a lot and have talked about before but will talk about again

 I was far from great at running but I was/am pretty good. One of my favorite parts of college was going to the small running club of people who liked to run hard/fast and knowing I was good. I really enjoyed that and it was a big part of my identity. I so badly want to be that person with climbing. I see those people at the gym. I really want to be that person. 

I think I'm doing the things that can get me there and I know I'm getting better. It's just going to take time.

That's all.

response to crab's response to my reaction to playing a video game again

 Go read his response first or don't and just read this and try to fill in the gaps yourself. Was going to comment this and then figured it deserved a post.

Very good points and I really appreciate your response. This was a raw first impression and after a couple days my attitude has definitely shifted a bit. I agree that it is good to have things to look forward to. In hindsight, my reaction feels like a bit much but it really did hit me hard in the moment. And I think you're very much correct that that feeling is a special thing. I suppose I was skeptical of it because it felt so overwhelming. Happy to report that my life has not fallen apart even as I continue playing the game. Some other observations

- I have this feeling between my eyes somewhere and I think I'm staring at the screen too intently so that's probably something to watch out for.

-One vivid memory I have from my early childhood, especially between like 8 and 12 or so, was having this really intense inner monologue and imagination. I feel like I spent a lot of free time just being outside and watching my thoughts play like a movie or a show. I also remember getting older and feeling like I lost that and it's something I miss. I'll try sometimes and it just doesn't happen. Anyway, I feel like something about the game has turned that part of my brain on again. Maybe it's the dopamine. It's not like a craving to play the game and it's kind of nebulous but something is activated that wasn't before and it's not a bad thing.

One thing I've learned is that I really value being regulated and I think that's good but it also limits the kinds of experiences I have and seek out.

today I saw a blue chair

 hello everyone. thank you for coming to my reading. I will be reading the piece I have written. The title of the piece is "today I saw a blue chair". 

today I saw a blue chair. It was out by the trash cans. The cushions were in the cans last night and they were taken away. The chair was left. It was a blue lowrider armchair. Just like a regular armchair but on the ground. I decided to take it into my apartment to see if I could find room for it and purchase replacement cushions after the fact. Unfortunately, I do not have the floor space. I took it back outside where it sits to this very day. I hope you all learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes someone will try to get rid of you and they will fail. And then someone else will come along and try to take you in and they will fail as well. I guess nothing can be done. Thank you.

also I'm a bus driver now!

 

batomon showdown: a reminder of who I was once and apparently still am

 About 10 years or so ago I remember telling people things like "Yeah I don't play video games anymore. I have an addictive personality and they end up taking up too much of my life." And that was true. And I lived my life knowing that was true and avoiding things that would lead to that cycle.

Flash forward 10 years later to the present day and I discovered this little game called Batomon Showdown and it was like this pit in my psyche that I knew so well and took care to avoid went unnoticed for so long that leaf debris and clutter had formed a thin covering over the top. And then, brother, I fell in that pit hard. This cute little pixelated skinner box had my dopamine system going crazy. I know what it's doing to. I know exactly how it's pulling me in and keeping me there and I don't even care in the moment. 

Maybe it's not like this for everyone but when I'm hooked on a game like this it drastically changes how I function. I stayed up late. If I'm not playing it, I'm thinking about playing it. I feel like large stretches of time pass while I'm playing. It makes me worry about young people. It's too strong. I get why it feels like certain kids aren't really present. And this game is like, tame compared to other things. But after I stop playing, my mind is still thinking about the game.

I'm not saying video games are bad. Who even cares. But Skinner Boxes are bad. 

me playing video games on the computer

I relearned something about how I'm wired this weekend.

biggest horse ever

 I don't like to delve too deeply into philosophical questions but sometimes you just have to wonder in spite of yourself,

do you think the biggest horse ever wishes it was bigger?