history of April Fool's

 Originally every month began with a 'Fool's'. But over time people began to tire of it and they relegated the Fools to a single day in April when everyone is generally in a good mood on account of spring time. 

Terrible. Just terrible. Bring back a Fools day at the beginning of every month!

And! Another thing. It wasn't always about pranks. It was just about being foolish. The prank thing was also a negative PR campaign to make the holiday seem more annoying than it actually is. 

Oh what's a fool do? Yeah, they just lie. They just make stuff up to trick you.

No. That's not what a fool does. You see, they took the holiday about being a fool and they made it into one where you unwittingly become the fool. And you hate it because of course you do. One must willingly become the fool.

I'm beginning my campaign to reclaim April Fool's Day. 

Pete Holmes Silly Silly Fun Boy

 q-tips bit: delightful. wonderful

shoes off bit: divided the room and divided me. I like how he had fun with it but didn't land with me. I think you should take your shoes off. The ending was strong though. Gotta give him that.

"I ate ants. The insects. Not lady-uncles."

scorpion bit: 

"I can't have my last meal be ants!"

13th floor: Not my favorite. I thought the scorpion bit was still going.

phone bit: meh

office bit: OOO was funny

I'm pretty sure he did the dad phone bit when Crab and I saw him live.

Boston bit: good story. I like the Boston fantasy accent

Parent bit: I liked it. funny voice. 

Carousel bit: funny

Last words: IT SHOULD BE YOU!

"I kept yelling I'm okay but no one was checking."

closer: fun and sweet in a Pete Holmes way

Overall: I liked it! Very well put together. He's good at what he does.

if I was a god

 Me, personally, if I was a god...I would think it's really fun when people try to tempt fate by invoking my name. I would find that humorous. And then yeah maybe if I was in a bad mood one time I would make it come true. Just to let em know. Just to keep them on their toes. But usually I would ignore it and just laugh. 

And so I think you should tempt fate. That's cosmically funny. 

I still need to watch the Pete Holmes special crab recommended

 I still need to watch it. I will. I will watch it. Tomorrow actually. And I will post my thoughts. Here!

And! I'll say this.

What if every night before you went to sleep, like your last moment of consciousness every time, without fail, a little bug would appear in your mind's eye and say 'ben'. And you would call it the Ben Bug. Every time. But only at night, when you're actually going to bed to sleep. Not for a nap. And if you wake up early it doesn't happen again. And sometimes if you're hovering between awake and sleep it can glitch and you'll get this extended 'beeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnn'. Would your life be different in any meaningful way if that was true? For you only? 

I've got an idea for a restaurant

 It'll serve food. And the whole gimmick is that we say "We can eat as much or little as you want!"

And all the portions will be regular portions. It's a regular restaurant in every way. But all the marketing is about how much choice you have.

"You can eat the whole plateaor just eat a couple bites!"

"If your first order isn't filling enough you can order more food and we'll give it you!"

"Heck, you can eat none of your first order and we'll still make you a second order."

We just really want people to appreciate how much freedom they have at this restaurant. We don't make you eat food you don't want to eat that you pay for. 

And we also don't tell you what order to eat it in. Guess what! You can drink as much or as little of your drink as you want too!

Your choices matter. And we will do everything to not get in the way of those choices.

scene

 The stage is totally dark. The house lights are off. The room is totally dark. The light outside and the neon sign is off. The night is totally dark. The moon is out. The stars are out. 

Not "out" in the sense that they're visible but "out" in the sense that you can't see them. Keep up.

The space behind your eyes is dark. Your guts are all completely dark. All you've ever known and come to expect is dark. Your future is dark. Your past is dark. The present? Also dark. Stay with me.

The owl hoots darkly. The frog peeps darkly. The dog howls darkly. The puddle sloshes darkly.

As dark as the inside of your shoe. As dark as the oven when it's off and closed in a dark kitchen with no lightbulbs in it. A clear window pane above the sink that separates darkness from darkness. 

Will there be a spark? Will there be a flicker?

The show begins in the dark. The show ends in the dark. Somewhere in the middle it was supposed to happen. Afterwards people are sure they saw it. Or, they're sure they saw it at least one time. Or, they're sure that they know someone who is sure that they saw it a long time ago. They're sure of it. It's definitely happened. Why would we all gather and hope and cheer if it never actually happened? Why would it all be set up this way if it never actually happened even once?

I was sick on Sunday and monday

 

Depending on whether you look out of the South or North windows in my apartment you either see trees or a dystopian landscape of buildings and roads and concrete plants. 

So the other day when I startled out of a restless 30 minute congested 'nap' at 4 in the morning and saw nothing but bleak concrete and steel I thought, 'I give up. I just give up.'

But then I looked out of other windows and I un-gave up. It's really just one specific angle you have to look out of to lose all hope. As long as you can avoid that you're okay.