I need to make more art

 more art for myself. to share with others. but it's for me.

do a person do a thing for their own sake or for the sake of others. 

again this is a question that could be best answered by watching ants.

when you watch an ant do something, is it for the sake of the individual ant or for the other ants it knows?

Neither is true. We do not ascribe these motivations to ants. We say, 'it acts in its own ant nature because that is all it can do.'

So it is the same with us. And we must never make the mistake of removing ourselves from the ant world. We act in service of our nature and make up a justification afterwards. 

In no way is this meant to debase or devalue human action. Acting without thinking is the way of the world. It does not negate kindness or compassion or sweetness. It does not negate growth or change. 

ant mode and dwelling

the weirdness will happen

 one of my all time favorite things about camps is that people feel comfortable being a version of themselves they don't normally show. I've seen glimpses of it this summer but I start to get a little bored or sad when things feel too normal or people would rather be whiny or argue. 

I write this post to remind myself that you can't rush it. If that's the flower, you have to make the conditions right for the plant to grow. You have to let people feel safe and get familiar with what's going on and then they can have fun.

 if you're not tapped in to what kids are doing these days, one thing they do when they're outside are kill spotted lantern flies. they're obsessed. and open invitation to murder without remorse. they treat it like it's their mission. that they're saving the trees and by extension everyone else.

but after seeing the stray lantern flies that end up in roads or on sidewalks or in parking lots and then seeing the hundreds that swarm trees and all manner of plant material, it makes me think that the ones that happen across our path are just the ones that got pushed out due to overpopulation anyway. that all we're doing is killing the ones that were already condemned. the real horde is where we aren't and the cheap bit of solace we take against the castaways is really just a sign of how much they've already won.

But I don't know. Good that kids care about invasive species.

"WHAT DOES CHUD MEAN? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? THERE'S A KID AT GAGA NAMED CHUD KID WHO CALLS EVERYONE CHUDS! WHAT DOES CHUD MEAN?"

said on the bus yesterday.

My favorite part is naming the kid who calls everyone 'chuds' chud kid. I think there's beauty in that. That what you see the world as is what you become.If you look all around and see nothing but chuds, then you are the chud kid. 

you can't have x without y

 I don't think that's true. Because what if you go into X and figure out its components and then artificially reproduce those elements in such a way so that everything is nearly the same except without Y?

Right? Isn't that a great way to live? We've done it. We've won. We've freed ourselves from taking things as they are and now we live in the grotesque amalgamations of our dreams.

But anyway I had a good day today. It was fun.

 I found out today that on Thursday a bunch of teenagers from the YMCA are going to the climbing gym so my plan is to tell my crew of decidedly younger campers that we're going to challenge them to a climbing competition and watch in amazement as these much smaller kids all out-climb them.

my mom digitized our home movies

 I have a link to them and I've started watching them and I really want to watch them but I have this really strong feeling that I'm going to cry if I watch them. Not that I'm sad. I just get too sentimental about them. In a similar way to how I cry watching sports where someone is trying really hard.

But I do want to watch them. 

I found this video of my sixteenth birthday and immediately I seem obnoxious. Like an unpleasant person to be around. It's gross. If I could go back in time I'd say 'stop being a butt.'

But I'm going to try to watch this with compassion.

I'm sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry.

I don't know it's so hard to watch because I have this sarcastic attitude like I'm not enjoying any of it but I know I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable with my emotions. 

I'm burping. Oh jeez. This is terrible. 

I called my sister and apologized.

I also apologize to Maw Maw and Paw Paw.

A heartfelt thanks to my wonderful Mom for recording this moment. In all seriousness. It gives me a lot of empathy and understanding for giving a teenage child space to be a turd and try to figure out all their stuff. It's tough.

I probably would've learned a lot about myself sooner if I'd watched that clip.