Just whittle all day. That's the secret to happiness. I've spent the past two days whittling and I feel great. I've made a bird. I've made a handle for a climbing wall. And I made another type of hold called a jug.
But yeah. Whittling takes forever to make anything and it eats up a lot of time but it's really engaging and "flow-state"-y. So that's great. I'm just gonna keep this going and make more holds. Or maybe more birds. Or both. I will say that it takes me 3 days to make one bird and I've made two holds in one day. So maybe I'll stick with holds because the feeling of completion is addicting. Good stuff.
I've been on a good amount of dates this year and met some people and learned about people and learned about myself.
I think until very recently I didn't think of myself as someone who would want to go on dates just for the sake of going on dates and getting to know someone. My mindset was to be attracted to someone, get to know them, be more attracted to them, be in a relationship with them. Dates were strictly a means to an end and the whole point of being interested in someone was to start a relationship. I don't think I pursued this like really aggressively or anything but I always felt that I'm someone who gets really attached really easily and so to head in that direction but then just leaving things at a date felt kind of uncomfortable. Why would I just want to date someone if it was going to cause me to have all these feelings that I would just have to let go?
Well, anyway, flash forward to now and I'm totally over that hang up, haha. I think a couple things have happened. Meeting people seems less stressful and less of an "event". I realized that I like my life the way I have it set up and I don't really want to rush into sharing that with anyone unless it's really going to be a good fit.
I remember at the start of this year, at a new years party, it hit midnight and I was at this house party and all the couples were all coupled up and me and all the single people were kinda in the living room and all the single people were looking kinda sad and mopey. And I felt sorta sad and mopey. And I decided I would make an effort to get on an app and meet people and date. If you had asked me then what I would have hoped to have by now it would have been a girlfriend. And I don't have a girlfriend right now. Sometimes that was from the choices I made and sometimes that was a choice the other person made. But I will say I feel good about my ability to meet people and go on dates. I seem to be likeable enough to people I like that I feel good about myself. And I guess more important than having anything is feeling good about yourself.
I guess it was 5 years about two weeks ago but I didn't think about the occasion. Usually I think about it when I'm at working at afterschool because that was the thing I did on the first day I moved to Charlottesville. I remember I posted some nice pictures of snow last year and talked about how I'd improved in a lot of ways. I think that's still true. No snow so far this year. I guess we got a little bit one morning this week but it didn't really stick.
I've probably said this before but I think the things I like to do aren't generally seen as important or a big part of, I guess, in general, what we consider to be "going on" in the world. What I'm saying is in reflecting on this year, when everything got "disrupted" it felt like it just gave me more time to do what I want to do. I kinda felt like all that work I was doing and those two jobs I had were disrupting my life.
That's not entirely true. I really like afterschool and I can tell that I miss the kids a lot. It makes me sad.
What am I saying? Something I've told myself a lot during these past few months is to make the most of the opportunities I have right now. I might not get them again. I have this feeling though that I won't be satisfied with what I get out of this time. It's not like I can just run my best race or climb really well and make a good drawing during these COVID times that will satisfy me for the rest of my life. I'll always want more and I'll always want to find ways to improve. But maybe this is a time where I can make more progress than I otherwise would have. I think that's definitely been true.
Woke up at 7 to run with Peyton this morning at Keene. We did 10 miles. I thought I would go to 100 minutes or 14 miles but I looked at my watch and saw 50 minutes and thought, "there's no way I'm doing another 50."
I still got in 72 minutes and I'm thinking I should be able to go out for another easy half hour this afternoon. That will probably have to be pretty soon actually.
I was really sore this morning. Probably somewhat from lack of sleep and mostly from weight training. But that's a good feeling. The thing I need to be careful with is injury. Whenever I take a really granular approach to running I always get really focused and push myself hard and then greatly increase the chance of injury. I have to be careful and smart.
Peyton suggested he could help pace me for a 1600 time trial in a couple weeks after I told him about my good mile pace workout last Monday. That would be a really good opportunity. I think this Wednesday I'll do a sub-5 1600, take 5 minutes rest, and then do 6x400 with 200m rest and try to run 69 or faster for each one. That should be really doable after running those paces pretty comfortably. I did that in June of 2015 the year I ran my current mile PR. If I can do that workout it would give me a lot of confidence to go for a fast mile the following week. It will probably also be weather dependent. Looks like perfect running weather so far. Highs in the 50s every day and no rain.
There are no excuses to be mediocre right now. I have all the time I need to train and recover. This is my opportunity to get to a new level.
Right now I should roll out and stretch and get ready for a short easy run.
I woke up today and really wanted to run some fast 200s. I thought if I could do 3x200m all in 28 seconds, and maybe even one under 28 seconds, that would be really good. Well I ran 28.3, 28.9, 28.8.
It was pretty good. Immediately after finishing I wanted to be able to run a 27. I think I can get there. I've been doing some core and weight training and the focus on mobility and stretching is really starting to show. Today it was about mid-50s and a bit windy so I had a tailwind but I think on a good warm day I could really rip one. And it's going to take a while before those extra things really start to pay off but I have the time and motivation to do them well.
I also had a good climbing session in the evening. I sent two problems that I started last time and made some progress on some others.
Tomorrow I will do a long run. Probably 15 miles. I did good work today. I got a little bit better.
I started this series where I use google translate to write comics in French. I imagine they could go in French language textbooks. They deliberately don't make any sense. And, nothing in language textbooks ever really mad any sense to me anyway. That's the beauty of learning a language. It strips a language of any communicative intention. Like, I'm not trying to say anything to you. I'm just speaking the language in a way you can understand. So, I think it's ripe for absurdism.
Anyway, I tagged a bunch of educational social media accounts in my IG story and sparknotes replied to the story with the heart-eyes emoji. Which is hilarious. So maybe I'll keep doing that. Or if I make enough of them I'll assemble them into my own Learn French with Google Translate zine.
It's exciting that I can still go for a run and feel some extra pop in my stride and think, "oh, I don't know if I've ever had quite this much push before." My tendons felt like rubber bands. Makes you think new things are still possible. I've been running for 16 years or so and I still get excited about a glimmer of untapped potential. This is the year for it. Let's see what happens.
I was listening to an Alan Watts talk today while drawing and he quoted this passage from the Bible, from Jesus's Sermon on the Mount.
The part about not worrying about food or clothes or the future. The way birds don't worry about food and they are fed. The way the Lord has clothed the grass. And he says don't worry and that worrying will accomplish nothing.
So I said, "okay well that's kinda cool." And then Jesus goes and does some miracles and he's gathering a following and he tells a man to follow him and the man says he will but first he needs to go bury his father. And Jesus says, "follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."
What a poetic line. What a confounding thing to say. The guy raises a seemingly absolutely valid point and Jesus's response is utterly opaque and bizarre and grim. Let the dead bury their own dead. Completely reject whatever you think is important in the face of a call to faith. It's ominous.
Jesus isn't much for cajoling or negotiating here. What an intimate thing to respond to. And with audacity.
And people well say, "well, Jesus wasn't being rude or crazy. What the guy was saying was that his father was dying and the guy had to attend to him until he died and basically the guy was trying to put it off and Jesus was telling him that it's not something that can be put off and it's okay because we all know Jesus was right, anyway, that's a given."
Any way you slice it that is a radical thing to say. And a radical way to say it. I like it. I think it's cool.
I don't really have a larger point. It's just a really cool line to reflect on.
It seemed like it was getting cold before I went to West Virginia so I brought my plants inside. I guess it's a little premature. Oh well.
Anyway, a couple thoughts:
1) my place is heated by radiators and I found out today that radiators are really bad for houseplants. it dries them out too fast. I don't think my spider plants like direct sunlight so I guess that's not a huge concern. My current plant management system is they are placed in a corner of my room and I have humidifier/oil diffuser in the middle of all of them because I read that makes them happy. We will see!
2) I got these plants (I still don't know what they are) in 2019 from afterschool and they pretty much died over the course of a year. One died in the Spring and then I put one in the dirt outside my new house in the summer. I decided to bring it back inside today. It doesn't seem like it's doing great. Anyway, surprise surprise! Two new plants were sprouting in one of my spider plant pots. I have no idea how it get in there and grew. So we'll see if those survive. I clumsily moved them to their own pot. It gave my a vague sense of hope that they found a way to survive and grow like that. I hope they survive despite my intervention. But I'm not letting myself get to invested in their fate.
I felt amazing on my run yesterday. I felt like I was glowing. I felt the polar opposite of injured. I was very aware of everything my body was doing but instead of being aware because of pain, it felt like I was more in control than normal. If I wanted to speed up or change my stride, I knew I could do it. That was a good feeling. I think in sports psychology they train you to notice when those moments happen and what they feel like and use them as a reference. And then I think you also pair them with words or phrases or something tangible so you can get back to that state. I know for me it usually happens the day after a hard but successful workout and when I'm hydrating and sleeping enough.
Anyway, as all of this was happening I also started to think about Paw Paw. I don't really know how to put into words what I felt but it was a good feeling. I don't know. It was just a really special moment.
You gotta hand it to me, I made coffee this morning.
You gotta hand it to me, I was craving ice cream last night and I drove to Kroger and bought a pint of Cherry Garcia.
You gotta hand it to him.
You gotta hand it to me, I sweat the bed last night.
You gotta hand it to me, I cut my nails this morning. You gotta hand it to him, he shaved.
You gotta hand it to me, I've been doing a good job of keeping up with my flossing.
You gotta hand it to me, I have sweaty hands.
You gotta sweat it to me, hands hands hands.
Sweat got hands. You to me it. Swands. You. Me. Got it.
there are 66 days left in 2020. And I need to write 56 more posts to get to 200. Should be doable!
This week I want to make 3 comics for the summer camp book. I want to run a good workout on Wednesday. I want to be in a mindset where I feel energized to do cool stuff and share those things with others.
I bought this canned stir fry from Kroger last week and it was SUPER salty and then I got really dehydrated and was in bed/slept for 11 hours and did not feel like I was in the best head space this morning. The things that got me out of bed were the leafblower outside my window and my roommate reading his paper out loud downstairs. But here I am now!
I want to recognize how I feel and make a plan to start feeling better. I started a project yesterday that was pretty fun. I think I'll go work on that and then go climbing and then get groceries. And drink lots of water.
I don't hate Google's updated icons. I kind of like the colors.
My spiritual thought of the day is that we are always remeeting each other as different people. We meet, we interact, we go off, we change, we meet again. We have to embrace change.
I have a group of friends from college that I play Dungeons and Dragons with and last night I posed the question to our group chat:
"If, on some level, my character exists and was created by me, a higher dimensional intelligence, then what if I am also the character being used in a turn-based role playing game?"
Well, you could say that obviously isn't true because our existence is way more detailed and elaborate than any D&D game. Maybe. We know our own brains are filling in information that isn't really there all the time.
I really only like theories about why we exist if they can inform how we might best exist. What we should do with life is way more interesting than why we have it. In the case of a role playing game, I don't know.
We did have a good discussion about the differences between living your life as a player character or an NPC (non-player character). Are you doing things that main characters in a story would do or are you a background character? That gets back to a question I asked the kids when I was student teaching in a 9th grade English classroom, "would you rather live a long, safe, boring life or a short but passionate one?"
At the time I said the long but boring one. I think I still stand by that. Although maybe I'm less sure of that than I was at the time.
My favorite advice is still from Waking Life and it's to live as if you're a dream character in another person's dream.
I did 10x 800 at 5 min mile pace. It's been a long time since I've done that much work that fast and it felt really good. I took a lot of rest so that contributed to the good feelings. Usually when I do a workout like that there comes a moment where I have to manage the pain and will myself to keep going. This morning I felt really in control the whole way and really confident.
The past two workouts I've been doing easier versions of the workouts that the guys I train with are doing. They're in really good shape already and have been doing hard workouts for about two months now so I felt like I wasn't ready to attempt things at that level just yet. I don't think I would've been able to the 10x 1,000 that my friend did but I feel like the next workout is the time to go for it and see if I can hang on for the whole thing.
I'm sitting here and I guess I should start writing. I threw up a little bit in my mouth this morning while lying in bed. I can't remember the last time that happened. So that's interesting.
Today I want to get some illustrations done for the book and also send out more mail to people.
One thing I'd like to talk to people about is trying to find things we believe without question and trying to get to a place where that belief or assumption makes zero sense. Like, when you learn about practices and beliefs from a different time or place and it hits you like "why would you ever think that?" It seems really hard to find within yourself.
Sometimes I walk down the street in my pajamas and I go sit on a retaining wall above a sidewalk and a busy street and I just sit there and eat fruit or hang out and watch people. It's really not a place for sitting or doing anything and you can tell, especially people in cars, are confused by it. It's fun though. The sunlight is good. And then that got me thinking about people who stand in the medians at busy traffic lights and interstate ramps. I think that's one of those things that we accept that is probably insane. People who are experiencing homelessness. I think it's ridiculous that we let that happen to people.
And the story that we make up about it. Well, they're dangerous. Drugs. It's drugs. They can't be helped. They refused to play the game. Some people are just like that. It happens everywhere.
It seems like, if you allow people to be homeless, if you allow for this group of people who seemingly have nothing and can only get ahead by exceptional circumstances, then you have this backstop that will drive people to work very hard for very little out of fear. You don't want to end up like them. That's also a big part of white supremacy. A lot of poor whites in the South didn't want slavery to end even though it didn't benefit them in any way because it created a status that they were always above, by definition.
I'm sure in a lot of ways I have no idea what I'm talking about right now but I think it's interesting to take a concept like homelessness and say, that makes zero sense, why are you okay with that? Maybe it changes your approach if you come from a place of, "the society that allows this to happen is sick and this shouldn't be a thing" rather than, "this is a problem that is innate and part of the natural universe across space and time that we will confront the best we can." Maybe?
Banana and Blueberry Oatmeal this morning.
Thinking about how Ram Dass calls a society a conspiracy. Everyone is saying and thinking the same things and that makes those things seem real. The difference between a lie or illusion and reality is whether or not everyone agrees and goes along with it. And any society is invested in maintaining those beliefs because it keeps people from freaking out and it's also set up in a way to keep the people who have power in power. He calls it "relative reality". And it's really not about being right. It's about being able to hold two different perspectives (both of which are illusions) at once to see things for what they are and not be entirely inside of them. He says that he can use illusions to dispel other illusions as long as he knows at the end he's going to throw away all of them.
The really interesting part though I think is that when people ask him about their problems and hang-ups he refers to them as "mind states" that people are buying into and he dismisses them as uninteresting.
So something like FOMO, fear of missing out. Or feeling like everyone is off living a much better life than you are right now. That's only real to the extent that you buy into that. That the best use of your time is spent doing things that seem interesting in a specific way to other people. You can spend your time worrying about it. But it doesn't seem very interesting.
The other thing he talks about is that feelings are still valid. You can't simply dismiss them with complete and perfect apathy. He says it's okay to be afraid or anxious or jealous or angry or whatever as long as you aren't busy being anxious or jealous or angry. Instead of saying, I am angry, you say, there is anger. As a thing that is watching the anger.
There are some things I disagree with. Ram Dass talks about people coming up to him and saying, "I'm depressed" and he says, "are you really?" And they say, "yes. I'm depressed." And he says, "Well, is the person telling me they're depressed depressed?" And they say, "no." And he acts like it's this big a-Ha! moment that proves some part of them isn't depressed. And I get that that is all about looking at things at different levels and not being trapped in any one state of mind or feeling but also it came across as a bit dismissive. I don't know. How we view depression has changed a lot since the 90s when he was saying that.
The takeaway for me is to accept how you feel and what you think, be honest about it, but then also ask, is it useful? Is it interesting? Is it doing anything for you? And I think there's a lot of power in that.
If I write every day from now until 2021 I think I can have over 200 posts for the year. Which I've done every year since 2013.
Today I'm thinking about interview questions that I would like to ask people. The other day I listened to a little bit of Duncan Trussel because my sister and I watched the Midnight Gospel last winter and then that led to listening to Ram Dass. All of that kinda stuff really interests me. I also had a conversation with a friend and they talked about a podcast that explained what progressive Christianity is and how you can deconstruct your faith. That idea is really interesting to me but when I listened to the people talk about it, it didn't resonate with me personally as much as Ram Dass and Duncan Trussel and Alan Watts.
Sometimes I wonder why terms like Jesus and God don't stick with me as much as they seem to really ring true for others. It seems self-evident and innate in a lot of people and for me I don't really feel like there's any kind of entry point into feeling god's presence or anything like that. But when I listen to someone like Ram Dass, that makes sense to me. Both approaches are headed in the same direction but starting at different points. Maybe. The whole goal seems to be talking about and connecting with something beyond your sensory experience and reason. And both end up getting to this point of absolute love and compassion and understanding.
Anyway, I'm thinking about all that and I'm thinking about how I really like having those kinds of conversations and learning what other people think about when you make those kinds of conversations possible. And I make a lot of art and often it's weird and so I'm hoping that by giving art to people it creates an occasion to have a conversation about their beliefs and also just whatever else that comes up. I think it's a fun space to be in. And then I think it would be fun to collect quotes and things and share those and kinda build upon it. We'll see!
For the book I'm illustrating I need to make a comic about managing thunder and lightning during the summer.
The gist of it is, you need to go inside because lightning is dangerous.
Maybe I could do a character interviewing a bolt of lightning. Or interviewing a thunder cloud. And they ask a question and then lightning strikes and the thunder booms and then they run inside.
That'd be funny. Sure let's do that. Boom! Book making is easy.
I've been thinking a lot about this time where I'm not really working. I'm not too upset about it. It's not really my fault and I did have a job lined up and I still might have a job in the near future so I'm trying to make the most of this time and remind myself that financially it's not too big of an ask.
My Main Priorities:
-illustrate a camp book. this is my most legitimate occupation at the moment. I'm gonna start soon I imagine and we'll see where this leads. I'm not sure for how long I'll be doing this but I imagine it could take a while!
-put art into the community. I've been putting stuff on craigslist free stuff for a while now and it's surprised me how meaningful an enterprise it's been. It's put me in touch with a lot of cool people and I'm curious to see what can happen if I invest more time in it. I also just like the idea of people having my art in their homes and stuff. I think that's so cool. I want to make things and just get them out there.
-side note: it was really fun to do art in public today. I'd like to keep doing that as well. Maybe I could go to IX art park and do things there as well. It was nice to be outside, drawing, listening to music, see all the people going by, getting occasional compliments. Very much satisfied my need for attention, interaction, drawing, and being outside. 10/10. What am I gonna do when it gets cold? Be cold? Who knows. What's anyone gonna do when it gets cold. It's about to be a wild time.
-work on a game. For the past, I don't know, 4 years, I've been working on some kind of game. They've reached various stages of completeness but this one I think could be really good. I'm excited about it.
-get really fit! I can be off my feet for large amounts of the day and that's really great for running and climbing and having energy for those activities. If I don't get in the best shape of my life now, gosh, I don't know. Pretty disgraceful.
For the most part, I really like having a job. I like having a place to be at a certain time and making a regular paycheck and working with kids. I wish I could be doing that. I imagine babysitting gigs are super easy to find right now but, I'm not at that point. It's not joblessness. It's an investment in self-actualization. Yeah.
I woke up this morning and wanted to find my radio/mp3 speaker so I could have music while I drew outside. Couldn't find it.
Drove out to Camp Albemarle, where I was for the last day of camp about a week and a half ago. I thought, there's no way I left it there and if I did, there's no way it's still there.
IT WAS THERE! Pretty amazing. Someone had arranged it nicely on a porch railing and it still worked!
As I was driving back home, jamming to my music, a girl rolled up next to me to use the right turn lane and she was also rocking out. I moved up a little so she would notice that I was also car dancing and we both pointed at each other and said, "YEAH!"
Then MaMa and Mom liked my picture/started following me on Instagram. THANKS :D
I took my big piece of plywood, it's probably like 2'x6' and drew on a little field in UVA. Some nice people walked by and said nice things to me. That felt good.
I went to goodwill to get some clothes to paint on and found the best fitting pair of jeans I have ever worn. I'm gonna paint pizza on the butt pockets.
My run was good. I ran way too hard and way too fast but that's okay. Better than too hard and too slow!
Oh! My friend Chris is in Richmond for a few days so I'm gonna go visit here tomorrow. That will be fun!
Good Day.
Yesterday I went to Michael's and bought some stuff and when I go to places and pay with cash I bring along this little change purse thing so I can give exact change because I think the change shortage is still going on. Anyway the total is 14.29 so I pay with a 20 and I intended to give 30 cents so she would only have to give me a 5 and a penny. I guess I forgot to give her a nickel because she started giving me back 96 cents in change. And I said, "oh no! that's not what I wanted to do." Now I was basically the most amount of change a person could receive. The cashier was really nice and I apologized a couple times and she said it was fine. Then, for some reason, as I was walking to my car I kept repeating to myself, "Well, if I'm gonna mess up this badly I might have to stop smoking so much crack."
I said it, like, a bunch of times to myself. And found it really funny. So. Here ya go.
It's weird adjusting to different kinds of productivity. Like, for the past 13 weeks I've gotten very used to a specific kind of productivity which involved getting out of bed at a certain time, preparing breakfast and lunch, and then getting out the door to be at camp all day. Where I would do a lot of stuff. And then when I got home I would just run, make dinner, maybe write/answer an email, and go to bed. I did about as little as possible at home. Now I'm getting the feel for making up tasks for myself at home and finding reasons to get out of the door and do stuff.
I'm not complaining. I've felt pretty productive today. I was slow to get out of bed and dragging my feet over some pretty simple tasks. But, like I said, I think that's a function of adjusting to a different type of productivity.
I have some ideas for projects I want to work on. I feel weird saying them before I've officially done anything but I plan to track progress on this blog.
(* o *) ~~~~~~
So the first day I moved to Charlottesville on December 1st, 2015, I drove over in the morning, went to a work orientation, went to work, and then that night it was raining really hard and I got turned around and left the wrong way from the school. I got pretty lost and I ended up stopping at this Shell Gas Station on Rt 250. Today I needed gas and I stopped at that same gas station because it's one of the closer ones to where I live now. And I thought back to the first time I stopped there and how I felt kinda lost and cold and a little defeated. I was in this new place where I didn't really know anyone or anything or how to get anywhere.
And today I thought about how all of that has changed. Through my job, I matter to people in this community and I'd like to think I make some people's day a little better when I go into work. And I've had several jobs here and met a lot of people and learned a lot and done a lot. In a lot of ways, I've made it. I've done the thing. I did it my way.
Quote to Reflect on Tomorrow: “It is not without cause that men feel the burden of their existence, though they are themselves the cause of those burdens.” -Kant
