gratitude

 today was a rest day so I didn't really do anything but go shopping with my mom to look for a new computer. 

but being the end of the year I figure I'd reflect on all the things and people I'm grateful for in the past year

My family is at the top of the list. Getting to come home has been really nice and I feel like I've been able to refocus and head into the new year with purpose and clarity. I feel really fortunate to have my parents and my sister and my grandparents. I've received so much guidance and support and inspiration and I try to do my best, for myself, but also because of them.

It's occurring to me that this could very quickly become an extremely long post.

I'm thankful for camp and everyone there. Especially Todd. It gives my life so much purpose and joy.

I'm thankful for the climbing gym where I spend most of my time.

I'm thankful for my friends who have shown me kindness and make life more enjoyable.

Here's to running big miles and making lots of art in the new year!

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early and run 17 miles and then later I'll paint one of the pieces I've been working on.

commit to the bit

 I have one of those little boards in my room at my parent's house with the little magnet stylus and you place it on the tablet and it draws up magnetic filings that you can write and draw with. And every year I pick something to write on it on new year's. this past year the word was "record". I'm not exactly sure how long I've been doing this. Maybe since I've moved to charlottesville. I can't remember what the other words were. I probably have posts about them. 

I'm not even completely sure that I change the words on new years. It might just be when I'm home.

Anyway the word was record for this year because I wanted to do a better job of blogging and recording things as they happened. Like I got on Strava this year which helped me record my running and I think that was really successful. 

I think this year I might choose the phrase, "commit to the bit" and for me that means making a plan and sticking to it no matter how ridiculous it is. Being fully invested in your chosen course of action. At camp we also talk a lot about "bits" and doing little jokes and routines and things. That's one of my favorite parts of it. 

Yeah, this year I want to commit to the bit of running 3,000 miles in a year, climbing a bunch, and whittling a lot. And also keeping up the blogging I've been doing. 

One thing I've realized since being home is that it's easy to do these things if I really stay focused and don't let myself get distracted by a lot of other stuff. If I start doing too much else then I feel tired and the fatigue builds and builds until I end up not doing the stuff I really like doing. 

In my first week of being here I remember being so tired that I was seriously thinking about just giving up running seriously and committing to climbing. That seems absurd now but I realize that I was just really really tired. Now that I've been able to rest that seems ridiculous. 

anyway, we'll do our best.

sanding- did more sanding and listening to strong bad emails. the pieces are looking pretty good and ready to be painted. I also started on script for a little episode to make during the summer.

running- I felt a little tired but it was so warm out and I ended up having a good workout where I tried to run really hard on some roads around the neighborhood. They are some of the first loops I ever run so it's exciting to try to get the records for them on Strava. I got one and was 2nd in another and then the third one was into a pretty strong headwind so I was only 5th but it was still encouraging. I was running close to 5 min pace and that's pretty exciting to be doing that in workouts again for distances that are almost a mile. I think I'm getting really fit.

fun thought

Seneca once said, "to a ship with no destination, all winds are unfavorable"

Unless, like, you're just stoked about the wind, right? Like, I got this big ol' sail on this bad boy, let's catch some major gusts. right? I'm just in it for an easy breezy time. Don't get bummed that you aren't headed the right way when you're just enjoying the motion of the ocean, sen-dog.

what a view

 tasks

run 12 miles- did that! Ran out Fort Lynne road and to the end of Antioch. Got the course record for the big steep hill on Fort Lynne by the church. I think I first ran up that hill in 2005 and when I was home for Easter in the spring I got the record for it. Then about a month or so later a guy who lives less than a mile from it took it back from me. I thought maybe I had a chance to get it today and ran my hardest. I was surprised to get the record by as much as I did but then I checked the wind speed and direction and realized that I had a pretty good tailwind today and actually a pretty decent headwind back in the spring so that makes sense. By the end of the run today I was feeling pretty tired but that it was a hilly one. 

whittling and sanding- Someone made an 8 hour youtube video that has every Strong Bad email and all of the DVD commentary the creators did when they made DVD versions (which I own!). So I put that on and did a bunch of sanding and work on the little wooden figures I'm making. Sometime in the past I carved a little duck/bird thing for my mom and I was looking at it today and realized I could go over it again with some finer grit sandpapers. I spent almost an hour working on it and by the end I didn't think it looked that much better. I think it's mostly due to the fact that the wood doesn't have much of a defined grain and the sanding would have brought it out but there wasn't that much to bring out to begin with. It was still a fun little challenge to work on. 

fun thought

    I had an idea as I working today for some videos to create in the summer. There's this trend going around recently where a bunch of guys sit around a table and two players on opposite ends of the table take turns placing random objects on the table as if they are competing in this very intricate and tense high-stakes game. So like one guy will place a tea cup on the table very carefully and then the next guy will put a wedge of cheese in the tea cup but then the first guy will stick a fork in the cheese in the tea cup and everyone will act surprised like this was some brilliant play and reversal. Anyway, I was thinking about that and I was thinking about shows like Yu-Gi-Oh where the characters will have this very intense battle in a card game and the rules don't really make any sense but it's very dramatic and the monsters and creatures look very cool and exciting and all that. So my plan is if I end up making a bunch of these little wooden creatures and objects and shapes and whatever and painting them then we'll stage these battles between two counselors as if they dueling with these weird wooden characters or whatever. And we'll act like it's this exciting camp game that gets played all the time but really the rules are just whatever makes for an entertaining video. And we'll have some protagonist who always wins despite all odds and reason.

that'd be fun.

sanding sanding sanding

 tasks

sanding the projects-- started sanding and it went well. working my way through the grits. Sanding isn't nearly as fun as whittling but I think these will look really good when they're done. Excited to see how they turn out. It's also really nice to listen to music while sanding. A great way to start the day

running- ran 12 miles and felt really good. I've definitely improved my endurance in the past 5 weeks. I'm excited to finish this month with over 300 miles and will finish the year with 2,500 miles total recorded on Strava. It was actually more but I don't want to do the work of figuring it out. 

Oh I also did a little bit of lifting in the morning and before going to run. It felt good. I'll try to keep that going.

fun thought:

One time I took this John Milton class and the professor randomly outlined three things that some old dude said you need to be a good person and one of them was memory and I forgot the rest.

Awards Ceremony for Counselors 2023

1- call to order and attendance. group photo

2-short speech from the incumbent Counselor of the Week

3- the counselor of the week will run the Survivor Style voting

4- announce the winner and they claim their trophy

5- all previous winners will recite the ceremonial poem

    When old age shall this generation waste,

                Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe

Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,

         "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all

                Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." 

40 degrees is warm now

 Tasks for the Day

-run 12 miles. 

    Did this. Felt good. I was excited to wear a t-shirt to run and initially started with gloves but immediately realized I'd be too warm with them. Still wore some thin tights. It was a mostly easy run with two segments where I ran hard to try to get the course record on Strava. I got them! That was fun. I haven't been doing formal workouts for a few weeks but I think focusing on doing more miles has been helpful. Also, the weather has just been too bad lately to really attempt a workout. It was an effort to just get out the door some days. But I feel stronger for it.

-do some whittling

    When I was in charlottesville I picked up a few scrap pieces of wood and used my knife to shape them a little today. All that's really left is to sand them which is not my favorite part but I'll feel good to have made these little doo-dads. I'm not really sure what they are. Doo-dads is a good word. Trinkets. Googaws. Figurines? Just some little wooden pieces that I might give away or give as gifts or give as awards to the counselors this summer.

I didn't do much else for the rest of the day. I was really tired after running and eating and laid down for a bit. It feels good to be able to recover and rest a lot. I'm a lot more motivated to run when I'm able to rest so well between. I'd like to spend more time in Harrisonburg. It feels like I'm only able to come a handful of times throughout the year. I'm pretty busy on weekends these days and the summer doesn't let up much. 

fun thought of the day:

I'm going to be a billion seconds old on January 2nd, 2023 at approximately 5:14 pm

went to charlottesville to climb

today was a good day that went by really fast. woke up and drove to charlottesville. climbed for about 4 hours and felt surprisingly strong. ran 12 miles on the north spur of the Rivanna Trail. drove back and ate and watched the wire.

brought back some whittling supplies and will do some of that this week 

ran 16 miles for Christmas

got some great gifts, ate some great food, spent the day with my family :)

it's easy to run in terrible weather

it feels like an event. something special. something brave and new.

and so the conditions were never really the obstacle to begin with. it's the attitude we bring that counts. 

how do you be like someone else

 You can't think your way into feeling different. You can only change how you feel by actions.

I think that's true. And I think if you want to be different or be like someone else I think you have to do the things they do, the way they do them. For the most part I think what anyone tells you or whatever you end up hearing is mostly useless if you don't end up changing your routine and what your body is physically doing. 

By the same token, if you're in a system that tells you where to be and when, like a job or a school, that's going to have a direct effect on who you are. It's going to mold you. And none of that is accidental. What you're supposed to be when you are in those spaces and doing your tasks is all serving a well-defined end.

It's why I don't put much stock in the idea that you can place yourself within a system and subvert it. You can't rely too much on this idea that there's an inner you that exists independent of everything you're doing and everything going on around you. Actions have outcomes, no matter how mundane, and you are what you do. 

I just don't want to end up living a lie, y'know

I don't want to reach some point where I realize that everything I thought was important doesn't matter at all. 

Well, I mean, I guess it could also be liberating too. Like if you end up realizing something that feels more important. You can never know for sure that you're not living a lie. But maybe you can have some sense of whether you enjoyed it or not. I do think you can know how you felt about it. And right now I feel good about it. 

even more faces

more faces

some collaborative comics with smriti

some dude

helena beans

cabbage patch the sorcerer

faces 4

faces 3

faces 2

faces 1

it's way too late in the day for me to be drinking coffee

with twitter on the verge of collapse

I warmly welcome everyone back to blogger

your boy knows how to pick a horse

Haven't posted since the pancake incident

my burn marks peeled off so that's nice

I flipped a pancake and hot oil splattered on my face

super mega pop bulbous tricked out fury bop bop good

irony and sarcasm are dead

 not trying to pretend this is in any way new but I think it's worth repeating. There's no difference between someone pretending to be awful on purpose and an awful person anymore. 

We have to either be silly and/or nice and/or sincere. Those are the only options. 100% genuine. 

Instagram would show me these clips from SNL of Colin Jost and Michael Che reading jokes they'd written for each other that they would have to read live for the first time on-air. And so Michael Che would make all the jokes Colin had to read really racist. It's funny because Colin is so embarrassed and humiliated by saying all these awful things.

But then you go to the comments and every comment, I mean, every comment, is:

"finally SNL is funny" 

"finally telling good jokes again"

"I wish this was the whole show"

"this is the only good part of the show"

And they're just saying they like racist humor. Like, instead of laughing at the idea of saying a horrible thing, they're laughing at a racist joke they find funny that's been couched in the safety of sarcasm. Right? Like you can't be pretend-racist if there are people who find the racism itself funny. 

slightly related but also a tanget---

My personal mission at camp is to strike down swiftly anytime someone gives a direction and then someone responds by just saying the opposite of the direction.

"and no one wants to go in a gross messy bathroom"

"yes we do"

Oh my gosh the righteous force that will descend upon you when you utter these words. My eyes go white and I appear just over your shoulder and you see my mouth moving but you don't hear a sound, you only the voice in your head

you think that's funny? the most knee-jerk lazy response of just saying the opposite of what someone just said? don't do that. no one is impressed. no one is glad you said the most thoughtless lazy possible thing. use your brain. say something productive.

I'm exaggerating of course but in my experience, nothing poisons the well faster head-empty defiance. It's like, what are you trying to say about yourself? What's your intention?

That you don't care? That you can't be bothered? Who would want to spend time with someone like that? 

I do get that there's an inherent appeal in being defiant. Like it's cool on a surface level to reject something outright. That's the core of the appeal of like, an anti-hero or villain. And yeah some rules are lame and authority should not be accepted blindly. 

So what's the motivation? Why should you not be a turd every time you get the chance? To avoid getting in trouble? Trouble is a stupid concept and we worry about it too much. I think the quiet, long-term consequence is that you won't have good friends and people won't want to be around you. And you'll be caught in this cycle where the only attention you get is negative attention and that pushes people away more. And it's really real. You see it all the time and it's a big problem especially in early adolescence. 

To make everything more complicated, there are communities where social interaction is centered around saying and doing outlandish, horrible things and it becomes really easy to dismiss any argument that you're isolating yourself when you feel part of a group of people. In my experience though it's like drinking seawater. It can't sustain you long term because it's not based on compassion or understanding or anything that makes someone a person. The world is messy and chaotic and there truly are no rulebooks to the world, only outcomes. But, on an individual level, as a peoples, as a humans, we are fundamentally squishy and need things like affection and warmth. That's like

that's like

that's like the essential thing, the unspeakable truth, the that-which-not-cannot-be-said, that all the sarcasm and edginess and angst and defiance is trying to obscure. We can't stand the thought of asking for acceptance and affection and safety and being rejected. It's too painful to even consider. And so we have to pretend, we have to engage in this elaborate theater where we roleplay as moody broody little main characters pitted against the world to cover up the secret that we're just a squishy lil guy who wants nice little pets. 

you like krabby patties, don't you squidward?

goal for the week: 30 sub 6 min miles

really happy with how much rest I got this weekend. Very much needed. I bought some new running shoes and am feeling super motivated. Except for Tuesday the weather should be good. 

Tomorrow is 2x4 miles with 2 min rest. keeping it right around 5:50 pace. Should be great!

call that a dinosaur

 dinosaur between graham crackers and chocolate: dinos'more

dinosaur talks too much about nothing: dinobore

fill the bottom of your house with old bones: call that a dinofloor

just add dino to the front of any word that rhymes with -saur

if you combined a yogurt with a goblin

 would that be a gobgurt or a yoglin?

Inventing another game

 word assassins. It's like the regular game of assassins except instead of marking someone with a marker, you're trying to get them to say a secret word that they don't know. if they say the word out loud you present them with the piece of paper that had their name on it and the word and they're out of the game. you then acquire their target.

I'm going to invent a game

 it's called 1,000 knights

there's two kingdoms, each with an army of 1,000 knights and they're going to meet on the battlefield and have it out. So there's two teams and they're each trying to decide the proper number of soldiers to bring to the battle. If you send too few then you risk being overwhelmed. If you send too many then you risk stretching your troops too thin and leaving yourself vulnerable to other attacks and such. So a third, impartial player decides a number between 1 and 1,000 and the other two teams are trying to determine what that number could be. 

The only hint the teams get is a completely opaque and non-sequitur clue/sentence provided by the judge. 

So the number could be something like 521 and the judge could say something like "It was compulsory to use coconut shells to make horse trotting noises." And the game is you make up a really tenuous reason why that's a hint. So you could say "compulsory" means "have to" which can sound like "hafta" which sounds like "half" and also you would use two halves a coconut to make the noise so the guess is probably somewhere around half of a 1,000. 

And maybe there's also something where each person gets to ask an open-ended, equally opaque question to try to figure something out.

Whichever team is closer to the correct number wins the round and battle.

having to do something versus wanting to do something

 It's probably a pretty traumatic experience in someone's life when they come to terms with the fact that there are things they HAVE to do. Agency is really precious and I value it more than most things and having to give it up for reasons you might not even understand or agree with is pretty awful. But, learning how to survive and get by in situations you have to be in is a really valuable skill and a large part of what we consider being a socialized person. 

But something I've realized in coaching is that I think people, kids specifically, are sometimes so deeply in the mindset of "having to do things" and "coping with being in a situation that I'm not in control of" that they don't seem to understand how to act when they're in an environment that people want to be in. 

As someone who works with kids, it's so easy to fall into the trap of seeing a kid show signs of defiance and resistance and then trying to get them to comply. That's definitely a learned role on both sides. I've been trying to take the approach of not forcing anyone to do anything and modeling and focusing on what it looks like when you actively want to do something. My worry is that there's so much that we feel we have to do that we might not realize or ever get the chance to cultivate something we actually want to do. 

do your best

 run 10 miles

eat a billion eggs

knit a blanket sweater

sweat into a bucket

ghost form ghost form

always do your best

relate to the masses

have a balloon in your hand

in the echoes of eternity we are riffs of frazzled sparkle

Running for the upcoming week

 busy week coming up. I did a hike with camp today and will do a longer run with 7 faster miles tomorrow. Then Monday and Tuesday I'll be working all day with camp and coaching so I'll be running in the evening. I think I'll try to stay focused and keep my schedule as normal as possible. It really shouldn't be that hard. Just two days. 

I was looking back at my 10 miler splits from 2017 and they're a little scary to look at now. It's hard to believe I ran that fast. But, at the same time, I definitely did and there's nothing preventing me from getting back there again. I feel really confident in my training and I'm excited that I'm intentionally training my aerobic development in a new way. It won't happen all at once--slowly but surely I'll get faster though and get close to where I was 5 years ago. 

You gotta be excited about what you're doing. You gotta be excited about what you can make of the day. You can choose that and you can do things to make it true. This is me doing that.

brain has felt foggy since like Saturday

finally feels better today

spooky man

taken from a top Todd’s roof

pumped-kin tom

Feeling Tired

 I've been doing a lot and I think my body is telling me I need to rest more. I'm gonna try to take tomorrow really slow. My throat has been sore for a few days but I think even more than that I need a lot of rest and recovery between running and climbing. Also maybe drinking more water.

But everything is still going well. These are probably just some early warning signs to slow down a little.

the ol teeth dream

 I had a dream all my teeth fell out. oops.

But I slept well otherwise.

The craziest thing was that in the dream my teeth were falling out and I had the thought, "dang, this time it definitely isn't a dream. It's finally happening in real life. Darn."

And then I woke up and was like, "oh it WAS a dream."

Anyway glad my teeth haven't fallen out.

Pasta Luego

I came up with this Halloween costume called Pasta Luego.

It's where I wear a pikachu hat, pink tinted sunglasses, a black tie, a rainbow short sleeved collared shirt, and cut off khakis with a black belt. And I'm called Pasta Luego. That's the whole bit.

And then when people google it they'll find this post. 

what a great day!

great climbing, great running, great people, and now time to eat a delicious late night pizza!

I've made it. I've done it. I've reached the finish line. The race is over. First Place. Me. Winner. Arrived. Here I am. No where else to be. Let's go.

worked on my car today

 spent a few hours trying to seal up the cracks in the back of the bumper from where it got hit and painting. I think I've covered the cracks pretty well and I did one coat and then came back a few hours later and played around with mixing paints to try to get a better color match. I didn't quite get it perfect but I think I improved it. It looks better.

I'd say it's gone from being hit and scratched to looking like the paint was merely badly scuffed. So, we'll take that.

I need to eat a filthy amount of pizza

man, my poor little car cannot catch a break

:(

I'm 99% sure it was because there wad this big like trailer thing parked across from me in the lot and the thing was parked there for weeks and now it's gone so it must have been when they came to move it they hit me. Probably my leasing company too. jerks.

oh well. it's already got scratches anyway. and it still runs great. It would be nice if it didn't get knicked and scratched and hit all the time but you can't have it all. And I'm fortunate enough that my dad can help fix it up a bit. So I can't be too bummed. And I discovered it moments before going on a run and used that angst to fuel a really great workout. It all worked out okay. 

bring me a toad

sailors go sail a tent

brooms regret being sent

no bones, no blood, no sweat

I ain't got no silhouette

but two owls portend doom

for those breathing in noxious fumes

in a land of beans, buy no beans,

bring me a toad

the golden harvest mason jar rests gently on the table

when he went to get his papers he forgot he was a staple

the only thing time I covet cheese is when it's in a bagel

I have 40 million horses crying loudly in the stable

she could tell it was a shrimp boat because it had a label

In terms of everything, it was all there. The totality was complete.

it's a great day to have a great day

Pretty much everything is going well. I just need to put more water in my body.

happenings in a climbing gym

 The following are a collection of sentences to describe the experience of one person who by the consequences of his own actions spent an inordinate amount of time in an indoor bouldering gym.

The rental shoes would pile up in a plastic bin. They would form a mountain of sweaty, smelly, tired synthetic rubber. One by one they would be paired and organized and sprayed with a sanitation spray. Everyone, in some professional capacity at some point in their lives, should have the job of cleaning up someone else's mess.

The colorful holds were placed in bizarre patterns all over the wall.

People were often told to trust their feet while simultaneously placing said feet on deliberately slippery holds with the expressed intention of making the person slide down the wall unexpectedly and their heart jumping into their throat. 

my new hobby is filing down my callouses

 I recently discovered this is a thing you can do. It's really fun to take rough sandpaper hands and make them almost smooth as if they aren't covered in callouses. I impulse bought a nail file at the grocery store while I was buying coffee. I also impulse ordered a melodica and I'm excited to start learning songs.

the event was inarguably inaugural

feeling the BEST

a lot of wisdom is just swapping around words in a common phrase

the early bird might get the worm, but the worm has died so it's a zero sum game

today at work this guy was like

 if I ever have a kid, I'm gonna punk him all the time. Constantly. That way he'll grow up and be un-punkable because of how much I punked him.

and I was like, if I ever have a kid I'm gonna be like, "hey, you know why you're nice to me? it's because I was nice to you all the time. boom! gotcha!" dumb little kid.

i take a rest day very seriously

i don't move. i don't go anywhere. i don't do anything. because I do a lot during the week and I have filtered out almost everything I don't like doing and that's my favorite part of being an adult. going, "i hate that" and then not doing it anymore.

being a positive member of my community

 I spend a lot of time at the climbing gym and one thing I hope I can be is a positive member of that community and someone who encourages and supports the people who go there, particularly the athletes I coach. 

I watched this interview with this very famous running coach and he talked about coaches he had growing up and one that stood out to him was a basketball coach who was so excited about games and the sport. And that excitement and passion was what stuck with this running coach when he was little. I really love climbing so that's an example I'd also like to set.

the earth and its many doings

 the wind blows

the sun shines

the rain falls

the birds sing

the mud gurgles

the puddle consumes

the moon rises

the stars twinkle

the clouds float

the snow covers

the lights blind

the mountains mountain

the ocean waves

the leaves rustle

the volcano erupts

the economy collapses

the buildings vibrate

the butter churns

the gas leaks

the ice thaws

the birds sing

the rain falls

the sun shines

the wind blows

first thing you gotta do to have a great day

 is to wake up

then think about all your past selves that brought you to this moment

all of their successes and failures

and be grateful for that and absolutely kill it

October

more like rocktober. because it's time to crush. 

defining success

 It's fun to train for races. The things I prioritize in races are

-are they located close to me?

-do they work with my schedule?

-do I have a chance of winning them?

-are they a distance I want to train for?

I don't particularly like traveling for races. I don't like large races where I'm going to be buried in the pack. I want a local race against good competition with a result that is meaningful to me. Earlier this year I figured out a training schedule that I think will work really well for improving my fitness and keeping me motivated. Roughly, it's

fall- run sub-6 min miles

winter: run A LOT of miles. with long runs and once a week mile repeats

spring: run VO2max workouts with hills

summer: run fast 400s and track meets.

To coincide with each season is a race. In the Fall I want to the Harrisonburg Half Marathon and the Harrisonburg Turkey Trot. In the Winter/Spring my big goal is the Charlottesville 10 miler. In the Spring/Summer my goal is the Bruce Barnes Downhill Mile. And in the summer my goals are the local all-comers track meets. 

I think each race is supported by the training that goes into it and they feel like achievable goals. I know from past experience that I have the potential of competing well in each of these races. That's motivating to me and I'd be really happy to see year over year improvement. 

The half marathon is coming up soon and I'm looking forward to it. The course looks like it's kind of a mess but my training has been going great and I'm excited to compete. 

you get to find out something about yourself

I'm trying to trick myself into being excited about this run and I think what I'm going with is

I just wanna work hard and go fast

isolated cave water

deer have a gentle spirit!!!

THE CAR IS SPICY!

"I'M SERIOUS! I LICKED IT! IT'S SPICY"

-a small child to her father as I started my run this evening

an A day

 I ate well. I made some art. I had a lot of fun coaching and felt like I did a good job. I had a good run. I did some rehab and stretching and rolling. This is the model day. keep it going.

one time I was volunteering with a cross country team

and they told me their valedictorian had been hit by a car while walking TWICE in the same year...

talk about street smarts 

excited to improve!

 it can be easy to get down on myself or feel tired or tell myself I feel tired. but there's a lot to be excited for! every day is a day to get better! I really believe that.

another hilarious skit

 a skit for four players

person 1: Gentlemen, it's nice to meet you. My name is Ranch Dubois and I made my fortune unexpiring milk. I found a way to take expired milk and make it un-expired and then I sell it back to schools and grocery stores.

person 2: It's a pleasure to be here. My name is Monthly Billings. I made my fortune extracting iodine from the ocean. I have nearly exhausted the ocean's supply of iodine that I keep in a large tanks hidden in a secret bunker in the wastelands of Nevada. Whenever anyone wants iodine, they have to go through me. Monthly Billings.

person 3: And I'm Colgate Smolgate. I make those tiny toothpastes. Y'know the tiny ones. That's my whole thing. I'm smol.

person 4: Well, gentlemen, I'm sorry but I think there's been a mistake. It would appear that I do not belong in your esteemed company because my name is Humphrey Dollarsign and I am but a humble van salesman.

person 1: No no no, this isn't for rich people. We're all here to fright to the death.

person 3: Did you say fight to the death?

person 1: Nope. Fright to the death.

person 4: I really appreciate your hospitality Ranch Dubois and I would love to stay longer and participate in this jovial past-time but I really must be going. My wife and kids are probably wondering why I haven't come home for dinner yet and I-

person 2: boo!

person 4 dies from fright

The remaining three persons stand over the corpse of person 4 and laugh

a hilarious skit

 this is a hilarious skit for two people to perform on a given day

person 1: hello, I am person #1. I am an elder welder helper. I assist welders who are advanced in age.

person 2: hello, I am the second person. An unlikely series of events has led me to store my entire life savings inside of a bowling ball. That bowling ball made its way to the bowling alley we find ourselves in and has now been lost among the thousands of other bowling balls. We are at the largest bowling alley ever made.

person 1: How foolish of you. I would assist but my boss doesn't like it when I get distracted. 

person 2: Looks like this is a total strike-out.

person 1: What?

person 2: You know, because bowling.

person 1: oh I get it.

i just fell down a rabbit hole about goodstein's theorem

moral of the story, you can kill any hydra if you chop enough times 

poem for September 15th

unintended consequences concerning creation

when I water my plants

it creates pools of water in the plastic containers beneath their pots

mosquitoes lay eggs in small pools of still water

my apartment is infested with mosquitoes.

But I told my friends

that I think

the mosquitoes know who I am

and recognize me as their god

the source from which all life flows.

The mosquito has no choice in the matter.

The only thing it can do is suck blood to survive.

And the only thing I can do is make tasty tasty blood

round the clock.

But still

in the shower last night

when a mosquito flew out of my reach

and was perched high on my wall

with what I can only imagine as a smug expression

I took some satisfaction

in grabbing my bath towel and slapping it out of existence.

Sept 14th

 a lot of what I write is just reminders of things. 

What do I want climbers I coach to get out of climbing?

I think climbing is a lifelong activity/skill/sport that challenges the body and mind and a lot of adults I meet wish they had started climbing sooner. So, I'd like the climbers I coach to be those kids that did start sooner and grow up with a love of climbing. With most of the climbers, I only get 2 hours out of the week in a crowded gym. I said this a year ago but if you spend enough time and are paying attention and invested in a common goal/interest then moments of connection will happen. 

Do you like climbing? Do you want to find out how good you can be at it?

That's really all that matters.

what did I do today?

 - I completed the online stuff I have to do to be a coach

-I tried some climbs and also tried a challenge where I tried to send four hard climbs that I've worked on for the past 2 weeks all in one session. I got really close. I was about one move short on one climb. Not bad. I may try again tomorrow.

-I coached! It was fun. 

- I had an idea for a big drawing I could do and also thought about a plan for next summer

-ran with smriti on bike

-ate a burrito

-wrote this

oh and I laid down on the gym mats and let a guy do a tape outline of me to let people know to not stand there or walk there because they could get fallen on

the humidity dropped

you can smell it

9/9

 Today I sat outside most of the morning. It was very relaxing. I think they sprayed to get rid of mosquitoes or something because I was never bit. I had some good climbs and also a decent run. I'm just really tired and I need to rest a lot tonight and tomorrow. It's a good tired though. 

I've run 13 sub-6 miles this week so far. I think I can get to 20 on Sunday. My goal for the Fall was to run 30 sub-6 miles in a week. It was starting to seem a little unlikely but I think when the weather improves they will start to feel a lot easier. I've been trying to plan out a fun way to do it. Or a possible way to do it.

It might make the most sense to do 4 sessions going Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday. And for whatever reason the numbers in my head were 8, 7, 5, 10. I'll probably end up trying it. I also thought it might make sense to go Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Sunday. Sometimes I'll end up feeling good the day after a workout and then it would give me 2 consecutive days of rest before Friday. That might be what I try. We'll see. Right now I'm thoroughly wiped. Starting from Monday I went 2, 5, 0, 5, 1. And like I said some of those runs were made harder than they absolutely needed to be. I'm excited about my fitness regardless. I think I'm going to be a lot stronger by the end of November than I've been in a long time.

September 7th: Great Climbing Session

 I sent the blue v5 that I had worked a couple times last session. I figured out all the moves and can send in two parts the white v5 that I learned was possible from one of my athletes yesterday. And after I got tired of that I hopped on a v6 that I figured I had no chance of sending and also worked all the moves really fast. It was really nice to be pleasantly surprised by my ability to do things. The other week I had three climbs that I thought for sure I could do and the more I worked them, I realized they were actually way more difficult than I anticipated. This time it was kind of the opposite where things happened much faster than I thought. 

Anyway

Anyway here's a good picture from a party I went to the other week. The theme was space and you can't tell but I'm covered in glitter. There are no sleeves in space.

September 6: Learning from my mistakes

 Today I had coaching in the evening and I had a decision to make. I had to decide if I would run before coaching in the early afternoon or after coaching in the dark. I was getting myself hyped up to run before coaching because running in the daylight gives me more options for where to go and also I would be able to climb after coaching. Running at night gives me better overall conditions. Well, flashback to Sunday where I did run in the middle of the day and I absolutely cratered. I think just based on the air temperature it was only like mid 80s on Sunday and it was the same today but in the sun and with the dew point it was absolutely brutal. I looked at the conditions and I stepped outside today and I said, no way. I'm waiting until the evening. And it was fortunate that I did for two reasons. 

1- I had an absolutely amazing workout. And it wasn't amazing because I ran incredible splits--they were actually not that impressive. It was amazing because it's the first workout where I've felt comfortable doing it. I knew I could hit the paces I wanted and I wasn't pressing the whole time. So I'm really happy about that. I intentionally set my goal pace of sub-6 minute miles mostly because when I'm in shape it's a pace that isn't too strenuous. So far the workouts I've done--most of which I've run too hard if I was truly just trying to run 5:59s-- have not felt "easy" in the strictest sense. But today it truly felt comfortable and I had been waiting for the feeling to come around. 

oh and 2 was because I got a text to draw on the chalkboard in the climbing gym and I got paid for it :D

So, happy I made good choices.

happy labor day

never forget that labor day is the watered down version of may day

It's hard to draw individual things

There's this story about this farmer and he's got a big farm and people who work on the farm with him. And one day this guy is walking down the road and he sees the farmer repairing this long fence that needs repairing or whatever. And the guy says, "hey do you want help with that?". And the farmer says, "sure."

Now, this is a big job that would probably take a whole team of people over a week to finish. But the guy shows up bright and early the next day and he finishes fixing the fence all in one day. The farmer is ecstatic. He says, "that was incredible! Hey, I've got all this hay that needs bailing. Think you can do that for me?" And the guy says, "sure." Now, this is an even bigger job that would require like machines and a whole host of people. But the guy shows up the next day and he gets it all done in one day. And this process continues. Cleaning out the stables uh...cutting the grass...y'know, farm things. And the farmer is just tickled because this random guy is incredible. And then one day he says to the guy, "Hey, buddy you've been working really hard out in the hot sun and I really appreciate everything you've done for me. How bout I give you an easy task for the day." The guy says, "sure." The farmer says, "All I need you to do is to go down to the nice cool basement and sort my potatoes for me. Just make three piles. One pile is for the duds and one pile is for the ones that are fine but kinda weird looking and one pile is for the a-1 potatoes that I'll take to market." The guy says, "ok."

After only 30 minutes the farmer sees the guy walking out to him in the field. "Wow! You're done already?!" The guy says, "I quit. I can't do this for another minute. Find someone else."

The farmer is shocked, "What do you mean?! This was an easy job!" The guy says, "No, the other stuff was easy. With this, every potato you gotta stop and say, 'well, is this one really good or just okay--or is this one a dud or just weird looking.' It's too much."

---------------------------------------

Maybe I butchered that story, it's not my own. But it's how I feel about this drawing I've been working on. It's kinda like Where's Waldo-esque scene with a whole bunch of different characters all spread out. Initially it was fun. I drew like two little goblins and I was like, "oh I could just fill a whole page with these." It's even in a really flat 2D style. Sitting down and committing to drawing an actually thing though is just so much more tiring than making lines. I can make lines all day. It's no trouble. Drawing out a ton of characters is like sorting potatoes. 

What was I talking about? Labor creates value. People should own their labor. 

Sept 1st: tempo and projecting

 Woke up excited to run. Crushed a 5 mile tempo. Still running in the heat, even though the dew point dropped the sun was still super bright so I think we can safely say the conditions were terrible. It's important to run in terrible conditions, especially now, when getting back in shape. These runs feel hard now but when it finally cools down and my body adapts I'm going to be crushing these miles left and right. I'm trying out being excited about running and my training. I haven't really done anything to warrant much excitement yet but it's more fun to be energized by it and than thinking, "oh, ho-hum, a long ways off from what I could do at my best."

This is uncharted territory. I've never set out to see how many sub-6 miles I can run in a week. Regardless of where I end up, it'll be a baseline that I can come back to and I know that I'll make progress and improve. I'm excited to see where it takes me.

In the evening I did some climbing and spent a majority of my time just trying about 2 moves on a v5 and a v6. I'm glad that I'm trying harder stuff than in the past because I know that's what is going to make me stronger. There were also lots of people that I know at the gym and that was really fun to be social as well.

When I start working more I know it's going to be harder to fit in days like this but I'll just have to be more diligent about my time and rest. For now though, having fun. Coaching starts up next week and then shortly after that I'll be working a lot of weekends. It's work I'm happy to do though so I'm thankful for that.

My other goals are to eat more and drink more water.

August 31st (last day of summer?)

 The weather will stay hot. And the equinox isn't until the 21st/22nd. And camp ended almost two weeks ago. But the end of August feels like a soft end to summer. I like September. "septe" of course means 7 which makes sense with the months placement on the calendar. 

Yesterday I tried the climbs I said I was going to do. For the orange one that I said I needed to bump my left hand over, I ended up doing a cross with my right hand and it was a lot easier. That's what I get for trying to copy strong boy beta. Just reach your other hand over, dumb-dumb. For the white one with the jump, I got better at the jump and I solidly slapped the big sloper but I couldn't quite stick it. I noticed that it was really dependent on how hard I could grip the left crimp. It's small but it's pretty positive. I think I'll get it the next time. And then I worked on the black one and I actually got the move I'd been trying to hit but it turns out the next move is also very hard. Overall a good session and I made progress on several different climbs even if I didn't send them. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes a session has a bunch of sends and sometimes it's just laying the groundwork for future sendage. 

I had a really good 4 mile tempo in the afternoon that felt really comfortable. A 4 mile tempo at sub-6 pace really isn't anything impressive, I could do that 13 years ago no problem but it's still very hot out and I'm working towards my goal of massive amounts of mileage at sub-6 pace. I want to build a house on sub-6 island. We're making progress. And once the temperature drops it's just going to be open season on sub-6's that live on sub-6 island. 

I need to pick my truck up from the garage. They finished inspecting it. I need to fill in all the dates on my calendar that I am either coaching or working with camp. It's close to every weekend. nice!

August 30th! EXCITED TO CLIMB

 On Friday and Saturday I climbed really hard. Saturday in particular. My fingertips were RAW. Now I've had two days of rest and I'm FRESH AS A DAISY. We're ready to get after those projects. We're ready to flex the fingers! The flexor digitorus profundus!

I'm talking to v5 projects that we're trying to take down. One I've got most of the moves down and it just requires a wicked left hand bump off a heinous pinch to sharp crimp and it's about COMMITMENT. It's about CONTACT STRENGTH! Get the neurons firing to STICK IT. CONFIDENCE! We've got this! 

The second project is another wickedly sandbagged v5 that features a huge move off a bad left hand slopey pinch and decent right hand crimp with some feet that AREN'T WHERE YOU WANT THEM up to a disgusting right hand pinch. And it's about heaving your torso up there and STICKING IT! Refusing to drop. Defying gravity.

Then I'll probably just mess around. There's also a white v5 that I'm pretty sure I can get. It's a big jump move off slippery feet and I think I wore the wrong shoes last time. Gotta bring my jumpy boots.

August 29th: Grifters

 Sometimes I try to notice patterns in words being used. Like the frequency of them. I'm almost always wrong but it's fun to pretend. The word I think that has surged in popularity is "grift" and "grifters". 

Maybe in the past year I've heard it used a fair amount from multiple sources. Actually, let's check the google search popularity and see if I'm right. 

***checking***

ah-HA!

https://trends.google.com/trends/explore?date=all&geo=US&q=grift

Google has my back on this. In November of 2020 we hit peak grift, as they say. Hmmm, I wonder what historical event was going on in November 2020 that would have lead to a surge in the usage of "grift".

Prior to this I had only heard the term used in one Simpsons episode when Homer and Bart start grifting. That episode premiered in 2000. 

Anyway I think it's a useful term because it gets applied a lot to these shady tech scams dealing with NFT's and crypto. As well as politicians and people looking to take advantage of concern over social issues. 

I remember in the Simpsons episode, Grandpa Simpson finds out what Homer and Bart are doing and reveals that he wrote the book on grifting, being a con-artist during the Great Depression. Maybe that says something about the times we're living in. 

Anyway I had a really good workout yesterday. I was going to do 6xmile at under 6 minute pace but I felt good during the first rep and decided to change it to 3x2 miles which is a higher quality workout considering I'm not trying to go fast, I'm just trying to run as much under 6 minute pace as possible. It was really hot and humid so the effort was a little higher than I would've wanted but I think I did a good job of staying relaxed and sitting with the discomfort. By the end I'm not sure I could've done another one but also I was consistently running 87s and 88s instead of 90 second quarters so if I had slowed down and run the appropriate pace it would've felt much smoother. That's okay. The work was done and this is just the beginning. After I write this I'm going to go on a run. It's really hot but I have to get it done now because we have a coaching training at 5:30 and then I'm getting dinner after that. I also need to buy groceries. 

I talked to Luke and Erin on the phone yesterday. There are some of my favorite folks to talk to. I should find a way to visit Luke at some point. 

Off I go to bake in the sun. Smriti bought my sunscreen today and I put it on my face and it burnt my eye. Am I dumb or is sunscreen wrong?

August 28th: funky drawing

sk-1132

August 26th: 31 and 4 months

 1/3 of the way through. Try-outs last night went really well. I think the ratio of kids who are psyched and climbing and enjoy practice drastically improved. We now might have the opposite problem of last year--we have more kids who want to train and compete than spots on the team. It can be a good problem to have but, like I said yesterday, we really don't like turning kids away. The path to be on a team now is to either get on a club, which have limited spots, or come to the gym regularly to the point where you're noticed and known. I don't feel like that's too big of a barrier. At least one coach is in the gym almost all the time and it makes sense that if you want to be on a team you need to show some initiative and self-directed motivation. I think we've raised the bar from "interested beginners" to "motivated intermediate". 

I had a really good run last night because I happened to start running just as Thomas was passing by and I joined up with him for about half my run. Before my run I was thinking "oh my stomach hurts, oh I'm tired, oh I've been on my feet too long, I have a headache" and then running with someone else gave me some momentum and then for the 2nd half on my own I sped up and ended up running pretty fast at the end. It helps that the last 2 miles of my runs now have a significant downhill but it's also just how running is so mental. If I had been by myself I'm almost sure I wouldn't have felt that good and would've slogged my way through it and thought about how dead my legs felt. Instead I ran 10 miles under 7 minute pace for the first time in months and it was great. In the middle of upping my mileage a substantial amount.

There's a v6 in the gym that I really want to project because one of kids on the team figured it out and we tend to climb similar stuff. That's my project for the day. 

Reflecting on coaching: I think the most important aspect is establishing a positive coach-athlete relationship. Overwhelmingly the strength of a relationship determines how a given interaction or moment will be received. I don't believe that coaching or teaching can exist in the abstract where a person with knowledge or experience is sharing information with a student. A big problem I have with schools is that this is the model that they use. To me it's like giving someone a multi-vitamin and water and calling it the ideal diet. We know that there's so much more to food than nutritional science can explain just like we know that there's so much more to learning and how a person comes to form their worldview and identity yet we pretend like textbooks and tests are supposed to be sufficient. I'm rambling. What I meant to say was that I think on the foundation of a good relationship you can pass along tools and attitudes that might be useful in the future. By tools I mean things like positive self-talk, being able to ask for help, trying really hard, using humor, expressing how you're feeling, persisting at something difficult, self-evaluation and self-awareness, supporting and encouraging others. Obviously there are a ton of concrete, climbing-relevant skills that will be taught to but there's a quote by Mike Smith that I really like,

"It's not about where you end up, it's about who you end up becoming on your way there."

As for teaching all that stuff, I think you have to live it and be intentional. There's a stoic saying that basically says, it doesn't do any good for a sheep to talk about how much grass it eats, what matters is that it grows wool. If you hope to teach it, live it and do it. Don't just sit around yammering on a blog.

Anyway, I just noticed a line in my big toenail and I'm pretty sure it's from when I had covid and that's kinda cool. The end.

August 25th: smriti's birthday

 Yesterday I had a really good climbing session and sent 3(!) v5's. Without too many tries on them either! v5 climbs are starting to feel pretty comfortable although there are still some that completely shut me down. But that's also how v4's and v3's used to feel. I've been doing a lot of work on my finger strength and endurance. A goal I have for next summer is to get the deadhang record at camp. During the overnights we started doing this thing where we would see how long someone could hang from a rafter in the cabin. I got beat by several people and never took back the record which really hurt my pride as someone who considers themselves a climber and tries to get better at hanging from things. Two days ago, hanging from a pretty ideal hold I made it to 100 seconds which would be the camp record. I would like to get to 2 minutes. 

I had a good run after climbing. I was feeling pretty hungry but I ate a peanut butter bagel and was fine. I did some barefoot grass strides and felt pretty speedy. I checked in with the counselors to see how their doing and how school is going. I appreciate that they responded. It feels like we all genuinely enjoy being around each other but I also know that camp is somewhat separate and they have lives outside of camp. I don't want to bother anyone or feel like I'm overstepping a boundary. 

Today I've been pretty tired. I had breakfast with Smriti and now I'm about to go to try-outs for the climbing team. We have 50 kids signed up which is HUGE. Fully half of them could get turned away which is kind of a bummer because I think all of the coaches believe that we want to work with anyone who is interested in climbing. It's also exciting though because if we're being brutally honest, the work ethic and excitement around climbing last year was not shared by everyone and it really only takes one or two people to bring down the excitement and attitude of a small team. 

I started working on a pen drawing that I'm pretty happy with so far. It's been nice to work on a piece every day. Life has been pretty stress free and productive this week. I'm sure it won't last and I'll get bogged down with other things or tired or whatever but right now I'm having a great time. Probably a big part of it is living on my own and not having to think about sharing a space with other people. 

I'm going to run after try-outs and I'll probably be pretty tired so I'm trying to think of something that will make it seem interesting and worthwhile. Something to get excited for. Maybe I'll try to do some easy tempo miles on the track. We'll see. I might also just get in the mileage and worry about that tomorrow.

August 24th: join the covenant today

 Yesterday afternoon I went on a walk with Janey at Monticello. It was really good to catch up with her. So much drama! Then I ran with Corey and felt pretty good. This burst of energy I have from camp being over might catch up with me at some point. We'll see. Every day I've felt good enough to push medium hard and I'm running a lot more than I was. I ate dinner with Smriti and that was nice. I like not having to worry about getting ready for bed on time and prepping for the next day.

Today I made pancakes again and thoroughly enjoyed them. I woke up pretty late and had a lazy morning and then did more stretching and mobility work while listening to Glass Animals. I think How to Be a Human Being is my favorite album. I mostly finished another painting. It could either be done or I could work a lot more on it. I'm thinking maybe I'll put together a collection of paintings/drawings and writings and do something with it. I'm not sure yet. 

My friends and I were talking about Biden's debt relief announcement. We agreed that it was a good step but definitely not enough. It's like, if we agree that it's a problem and that it's bad for people to be in that much debt, then why only do a little? I don't know. It seems to all be based on this idea that a system is only fair and working if some people are punished and doing poorly and that if those punishments aren't strict or enforced then, y'know, anarchy will break out or something. Even though we know that these negative outcomes are unjust and actively harm everyone. We know for a fact that it's not good to have people fail. It is objectively better to support people even if they don't "deserve it". Look at efforts to treat housing like a medical issue and give people housing. Look at Finland giving a basic universal income. It's just so silly to me. 

Anyway I'm gonna go climbing and send a v5 slab I almost got last time.

Aug 23rd: stretching and loosening

 I spent a good amount of time this morning stretching and using a tennis and lacrosse ball to massage. I'm really tight all over. Should take about a week or so to get everything worked out. I'm not in any pain but my range of motion has decreased a lot and I feel tightness in a lot of places. 

I felt really good on my run yesterday. It was hot and sunny and I had run 11 miles the day before but the extra rest and sitting inside gave me a lot more energy than I've had the past few months. It was really encouraging to see improvement that quickly. 

I did some art because I have a lot of canvasses lying around and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. I have this little toy duck that I've carried around every place I've lived since moving out for college and I did some squiggles and blobs and things and put the duck in the center in a hot tub/void kind of thing. It was fun to make.

Today I'm going to do a little hike with Janey and catch up. I haven't seen her in months. Maybe over a year. It's been too long. Then I might run with Corey in the evening. 

One thing I think a lot about at camp, and I'm sure I've talked about this before, is the idea of an emotional/attention economy. Everybody comes in to camp with a certain set of emotions and ideas they want to express as well as a level of need and a preference for what they want to receive. A lot of being a counselor is managing that economy. As a counselor it's important that you command a certain amount of attention and have something to offer because

1- you are potentially a big part of a camper's experience at camp

2- if you aren't commanding any attention then that void is going to be filled, most likely, by kids that want attention and, broadly speaking, they aren't always the kinds of people you want setting the culture and attitudes of a group. 

Based on absolutely nothing but a hunch, my guess is that people tend to want to offload negative emotions onto others and receive positive emotions and attention from others. Which, I don't think is a very helpful model to go off of. You wouldn't walk around trying to sell trash in exchange for candy or food or money. If you want to receive something valuable, (positive attention, respect, admiration, friendship, etc...) you're going to have give something valuable. The advantage as a counselor is that because you're in a position of authority, for most people you're attention and actions are going to have inherent value. It's like you're printing the money. 

I'd love to do some sort of game at camp where we treat counselors as stocks and somehow create a marketplace where they could be traded. The kids kind of already do it when they talk about "favorites". If you do something good they'll say you're their favorite counselor and if you do something bad they'll threaten that you're no longer the favorite. If we could formalize it somehow that might be fun or interesting.

August 22nd: back to running

 On Saturday I woke up and didn't want to move at all. I felt like a deflated balloon. Just a wrinkly saggy person. I found some old potatoes in the fridge and ate those and then spent the next 5 to 6 hours writing emails to the counselors to thank them for a great summer and try to convince them to come back next year. 

Then I climbed for a bit until the gym closed and then I went for a late night run and felt pretty exhausted. It was a weird day. There's definitely a cumulative fatigue that builds up over the summer and I felt the need to rest and do as little as possible. I did some cleaning around the house and organizing that I'd been putting off for a while. At one point I realized, on Sunday, that I'd left the Adequate Lifeguard award behind at camp so I drove out there to retrieve it. It was a good reason to get out of the house and it helped a little to go out there. 

On Sunday it rained for much of the morning and early afternoon. I didn't get as much sleep as I thought I would from Friday to Saturday but Sunday I slept a lot and would lie in bed and not quite nap. I called my mom in the afternoon and talked to her which was good. 

What I really like most of all is to be able to put energy into something that is rewarding and feels good and camp has always been that for me. There's always this big let down when it's over because there's not really a replacement for it socially. I did go on a run though and I committed to doing a longer run than I've done in months and it felt really good. It reminded me that running is something I can put energy into that is positive and I took a lot of relief from that. I did over 11 miles at a pretty good pace and I thought I was going to slow down a lot towards the end but when I reached UVA and Main street there were a lot of people and traffic and it's fun to pass cars that can't go fast so I ended up surprising myself and running a pretty decent mile towards the end. 

Today I made some pancakes for myself because I've had pancake mix for years that I've never used and I'm glad I finally used it. I've also done a lot of stretching while listening to podcasts and youtube videos. My hamstrings and legs in general are really tight and I haven't taken the time to work on them at all. I need to get some mobility back.

Looking ahead to this year I'm a little anxious about money because my rent is a lot more than it was last year but I also know that I'll be making more money. I'm not sure how much but I'll figure it out. It's hard not to be worried about money considering that a lot of people aren't doing well and are in debt these days. By all measures my generation is worse off than the previous generations. I'm happy with what I do and I know I'll be fine but it is generally depressing. 

Anyway, I need to go do my dishes and eat some fruit and text Stewart about climbing today. I'll probably do an easy run of about 8 or 9 miles in the afternoon.

saw Erin today!

 I also saw her on Saturday! It was great to see her. We had good climbs :)

It's been a really really great summer at camp and I'll be sad when it's over but it takes a toll on the body and I'm excited to be able to rest a bit more and not be out in the heat all day every day.

bought DEF for the first time

 apparently diesel vehicles like the camp van I drive need something called Diesel Exhaust Fluid or they shut off and refuse to start. I had to buy something recently in the middle of nowhere Virginia and one of the campers I was with got some on his hand. I said, "that's okay, that won't hurt none."

Or maybe it's "that won't hurt nothing." I think it's "that won't hurt none". I got it from MawMaw and it's a useful phrase.

a core memory from this one time

 One time I was in my mom's car and she was driving me home from afterschool and I remember exactly where we were at the bottom of this hill at a stoplight and I think we were listening to NPR or something and this person they were interviewing said something about "young people tend to behave in this way at this age" or something like that and I remember I was so offended and indignant. I yelled something like "that's not true! he doesn't know anything!"

I'm thinking about it now and I'm thinking that maybe what I was offended by was the idea that someone was exerting control over me by describing how I was supposed to or was likely to behave based on my age. And thinking about it now, I guess it's not that drastic an assumption but I think something I believe very deeply is that at any moment any person could do something utterly spontaneous and new. I really believe that's an important part of being human. If it's all set and describable and determined then what's the point really? Even if things tend to follow a pretty regular pattern I think there has to be room for chaos and something new to occur. 

That and some kneejerk defiance against some random guy trying to tell me my business.

eating frozen blueberries out of a mug

 I think younger versions of myself would be proud of who I am today

I need never get old

what an adventure this life of mine 

Howling at Nothing

 by Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats is a really good song.

Time to go run! I'm going to do 4 miles in my barefoot shoes and my calves are probably going to give out in the first mile. Maybe two miles. But that's okay. I'm excited to do more barefoot running and I know from experience that they will adapt pretty quickly if I stick with it.

y'know I have many enemies

and I often spend my time wishing things upon them. I muster my will and try to steer ill fortune and various disasters and cataclysms across their path. 

And covid is something I would definitely wish upon my enemies. The covid as I experienced it, I mean. It's a very fitting punishment. mild discomfort. isolation. I wish it upon my enemies. Maybe it will help them be better people/ animals/plants.

joseph campbell be like

All myth seeks to illuminate the mystery of life and death and show that they are one. For example, anytime the United States invades a foreign nation, that is justified. You can't change that or do anything about it. Also, women are subservient to men. But what you have to realize is that GOD is YOU. Empower yourself in a personal way that has no political consequences whatsoever.

perspective

nothing has made me appreciate how good my life was going than having it reduced to this pale imitation of existence brought on by this stupid plague. I wake up at 2 am because my throat is burning because I couldn't breathe out of my nose so I snored and exacerbated my already sore throat.

Then I read more of Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth which is simultaneously interesting and frustrating because poor Joe can't seem to stop himself from casually endorsing the patriarchy and western imperialism whenever he gets the chance. I won't go into detail but it's annoying for a guy who otherwise has some decent thoughts and life and the power of narrative. 

Other late night readings included the Wikipedia articles on the history of insurance and the history of race science. The history of insurance one was pretty dry. It's basically really old and dates back to mitigating the uncertainty of seafaring. I thought there would be more juicy nuggets but not so. 

The history of race science is CRAZY. There were sooooo many white dudes from like the 1600s to up to World War 2 who were so invested in establishing the myth of white supremacy in scientific basis. The really crazy thing is that all of these idiots were just copying each other and saying the same thing and they all get detailed little sections and even have their own articles and biographies. Anyway it's the Nazis that really pushed racial science out of the realm of acceptable discourse which must say something about the nature of change and progress I suppose. 

Anyway, I made some tea and that kind of helped. This is like 3am or 4am or whenever I stopped looking because I resigned myself to not sleeping. Then I made oatmeal and ate half of that. 

Then I flashed back to some of my earliest memories as a very small child being in the ER and not being able to breathe. I don't remember what they were doing to me but I have vague painful impressions of them doing things and me not cooperating because I was a small child in a lot of pain. And then I remember asking for taco bell at some point. 

It's crazy that I can remember very clearly waking up in the middle of the night and wheezing and being given a grape popsicle and then being taken to the hospital. 

Being sick always kind of reminds me of being a kid and these early somewhat traumatic memories of being helpless and occasionally on the brink of death. There's probably something fruitful in that, you know? I like to not take any medicine when I'm sick because I don't like the idea of masking how I'm feeling. If I'm sick I want to be all the way sick until I'm not. That's my right as a sick person. 

Anyway I woke up at 7 covered in sweat and immediately took a shower. When I'm sick I either do nothing at all or immediately get up and do a task right away. There's no inbetween. The other night I was feverish and at one point I woke up, stood up immediately and went to my living room where my AC unit is and kneeled before it like some sort of thrall in the presence of his demonic patron. And then I did that for like 5 minutes and went back to bed. This time I showered and went back to sleep until about 10am.

Right now it's raining and I'm still in bed. Hopefully tomorrow this will feel like it's on its way out.

i tried to sit outside for a bit

but I think the humidity was too high and I'm too congested and couldn't really breathe. back in my dungeon I go

apples really do make you feel better

what a great fruit. apples have really been here for me this whole time

i found a bug on my bed

this is the closest I've been to another member of the animal kingdom since Saturday

took my little covid walk

around the neighborhood and showered and I almost feel normal again 👍

on school and being out of school

When I was in college I had this idea that I was obsessed with failure and I tried hard in school because I didn't want to fail. 

I was thinking about it today and back then I was also focused on the idea of could I do it. Could I pass this test? Could I get an A in this class? Could I get an A in all my classes all the time? I remember learning about addiction in health class and hearing it was difficult to overcome and wondering if I could do it. I think it's so easy when you have so many challenges placed in front of you from a young age and receive a lot of positive feedback to just keep wanting more. To find out if you can. That was enough for me. 

And then I got out of school and started working and thought about what achievement meant. Or, I thought less about the degree to which I wanted to achieve something and more about what any sort of achievement did and how it made me feel. If you're constantly being sorted out and ranked and compared then it's hard to think about if that ranking means anything. Especially if you're doing well. You've got to keep going because if you're doing well and you stop then you won't be doing well anymore. And then you enter some state of absolute wretchedness I suppose. 

It's not like I regret it or would have done things differently. I feel like the structure of my education wasn't very good at teaching me how to evaluate things myself. And maybe that's just me being achievement focused and not having the depth of personality to say with any sort of confidence, "these things here are cool and these other things are lame."

But eventually I think I learned that. 

edit: it's not like I had in any way a bad childhood. I had a great support system and friends and lots of good memories. that was all crucial as well. the I'm just thinking about what I would tell myself to think differently about and it obviously wouldn't be those things. But also I think it's a discovery you have to make for yourself. Someone can tell you about the journey but you still have to walk it. 

there's such a deep tired behind my eyes when I close them

it's beautiful

how do I want to be perceived and why?

today a kid reminded me that one time at afterschool I made all these different eggs, they were just egg shaped pieces of paper, and each one was like

egg of truth

egg of kindness

egg of science

egg of egg

and if you were holding the egg you had to speak based on the egg's power. With the egg of egg you could only say "egg"

I forgot I did that. Pretty funny thing. good job, past me. 

I can't handle when a person's normal speaking volume is yelling

talk softer

tried to read all the words on the dr. bronners soap bottle in one sitting

too difficult

thinking a lot about coincidences and the things you find and lose

 today is Paw Paw's birthday and I ended up coming home to Harrisonburg. A lot of things lined up in a really particular way to make this happen. I ended up with a skin infection around my eye that wasn't improving and I woke up today and it looked pretty gnarly. But it just so happens that yesterday night I met up with a guy I've started running and doing workouts with and it turns out he's an eye doctor and basically diagnosed it on the spot. He happens to be in Harrisonburg on Thursdays so he was able to slot me in for an appointment in the middle of his busy day and got me some ointment that's helping the eye. And on top of all this I've been on the river a lot this summer where people lose and find things all the time and I always say the river giveth and the river taketh away. AND I probably got the skin infection from, among other things, THE DIRTY RIVER WATER. 

And it just feels like so many things are connected and aligning and so much of it is out of my control but I think about how I was able to choose my attitude and, even more importantly, I made that connection with the eye doctor because we both love running. And so I think if you do what you can and you do the things that bring out the best in you then people will see that and want to help. 

It's no guarantee but I'd say it's the best bet.

I love running

It's always been true and it remains true that if I have a good run, nothing else matters. I can't help but feel good about myself. What a gift.

can't let the little things get me down

if the little things are Vince then I must be invincible

if the imps are all ossible then that makes me impossible

all I need is the love of the people I care about

moved in to my new place

:)

blue ridge mountains

 Saw Grandpa Dave today. It was nice. He has a new home just outside of Charlottesville that he just moved into. I was a little nervous about it because we haven't talked very much since I've graduated from college.

I think there's been tension for a while because from a very young age I can remember a lot of conversations with him centered around certain things I should do and certain jobs that I should have and a lot of times those suggestions weren't things that I actually wanted to do. And I think it was his way of offering guidance and support and they were never unreasonable things, just things like, "you should be a lawyer" or "you should be a journalist if you like writing". But it kinda felt like there was pressure and I knew I didn't really want to do those things. And then when I finally figured out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to become then I felt like we stopped talking. So I don't know. I guess I felt like I let him down. But at the same time, those are my decisions to make and I'm not going to feel bad for not doing what someone else wants me to do.

But it was nice to visit his house and be in the same room as him. It was nice to be around an actual person and not be thinking about this idea of what the relationship was that I'd built up. It'd be nice to have a good relationship with him.

a magical transformation

 today I started my run and just felt awful. absolutely terrible. 5 minutes in I thought about turning around and giving myself a rest day. I convinced myself I needed a rest day and it would be foolish to do anything but. But then I ran into some counselors who I saw on a run on Friday, people I haven't seen in years, and that made me laugh so I kept going. And the trail I was going to run on was only a mile way so I figured I might as well get to the trail and run a portion of it and then I could cut the run short. And then about 3 miles in I felt great and was in a flow state and thinking about how great running feels and how I've trained myself to be pretty good at it. 

And then I almost achieved total spiritual awakening but then the trail stopped and I just ran back on the road, doing the run I had planned to do initially.

And this is just like a weekly occurrence at this point. 

what a counselor's job is

 you could maybe describe it in 3 layers

bottom layer: safety and supervision. you're maintaining the wellbeing of the kids you're in charge of. basic responsibility and common sense.

middle layer: a positive relationship. you're an older person that treats campers with respect and models positive behavior. we crave positive relationships and need them to feel healthy. You want your campers to feel seen and valued.

top layer: creating experiences. this is the most creative and imaginative layer. what jokes, games, conversations, experiences can you create that will impact a camper's life? I think with the right supports in place there's an infinite number of experiences that can be had in the camp setting. I think what goes on at camp is just as formative in creating world views as any type of media or anything that goes on in school. But it's not just making something for people to consume it's also a process that everyone participates in. at the risk of sounding way too corny it's living out loud.