I was thinking about it today and back then I was also focused on the idea of could I do it. Could I pass this test? Could I get an A in this class? Could I get an A in all my classes all the time? I remember learning about addiction in health class and hearing it was difficult to overcome and wondering if I could do it. I think it's so easy when you have so many challenges placed in front of you from a young age and receive a lot of positive feedback to just keep wanting more. To find out if you can. That was enough for me.
And then I got out of school and started working and thought about what achievement meant. Or, I thought less about the degree to which I wanted to achieve something and more about what any sort of achievement did and how it made me feel. If you're constantly being sorted out and ranked and compared then it's hard to think about if that ranking means anything. Especially if you're doing well. You've got to keep going because if you're doing well and you stop then you won't be doing well anymore. And then you enter some state of absolute wretchedness I suppose.
It's not like I regret it or would have done things differently. I feel like the structure of my education wasn't very good at teaching me how to evaluate things myself. And maybe that's just me being achievement focused and not having the depth of personality to say with any sort of confidence, "these things here are cool and these other things are lame."
But eventually I think I learned that.
edit: it's not like I had in any way a bad childhood. I had a great support system and friends and lots of good memories. that was all crucial as well. the I'm just thinking about what I would tell myself to think differently about and it obviously wouldn't be those things. But also I think it's a discovery you have to make for yourself. Someone can tell you about the journey but you still have to walk it.
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