four years ago (plus about a week) I moved to charlottesville

In 4 years time I live about a block from where I first lived and I'm at the same job that I had when I got here. But a lot has happened in between and I'm a much different person than I was. I guess I moved when I was 24. That's kinda crazy to think about.

I like Charlottesville. I think I'll stay here for more years. I'm making progress.

quick post

You let the children know your weakness? Foolish.

The title of this post is the last comment I received. It's over a month old now. It grows stronger with every passing day. I open the blogger dashboard and see if I have any new comments. At the top of the page, every time, is this comment--staring back at me. It rests upon a pile of over 2,000 comments--king. "You let the children know your weakness? Foolish." Foolish. A fool. Top of the heap. An offhand, morbid remark that has yet to be overtaken and, at this point, may never be felled.

And every day I feel a little less confident and a little less powerful. As if the children are using my weakness against me. As if they are dissolving me from the inside. Victim of my own brash and prideful ways.

please help. please.

let me tell you

I think it's possible to have a totally ordinary dull day if you never once used your imagination. If you don't use your imagination how is anything magical or good going to happen. You gotta turn the faucet in to fill the water bottle.

Well, consider this faucet [on]. Stand back everyone, I'm going to imagine something.

I'm imagining a big crowd of people. They're all standing around on a golf course. There is a big mass of people and they are all looking at a book. A large leatherbound book with old wrinkled pages and menacing gold lettering on the cover in an elegant swirly script. A squirrel runs along and darts through the legs of the people gathered and sprints directly towards the book. The squirrel stands atop the book and stands up on its haunches. The book flings open, catapulting the squirrel high into the air, never to be seen again. The pages flip madly with a life of their own before settling on a page near the back of the book. Light emanates from the book and a sinister glow rises from beneath. The people are stunned. It is a summoning ritual. The thing that is summoned is me. Andy. I am summoned from the book. I crawl out out of the book and say, "hello, everyone." And the people, they are not happy. "Boo!" they yell. "Boo! and Boo forever and ever! We scorn you book man. Go back to our nightmares and never emerge from print in the future again." I am disappointed. I am unable to return to the book because of unidirectional magic and must walk away and then try to get my bearings and regroup. Such is the life in imagination.

a free write

I think the tree in my front yard is dying. I think I might have killed it when I was trying to get all the ivy off of it. I probably didn't kill it by doing that. But then I was thinking about how I would rather attribute my own actions to something bad happening than for the tree to just die for no reason completely unrelated to me. So it's like an example of the feeling of control being more important than outcome.

Which also explains a lot of behavioral issues in children. And also people in general. CONTROL!

 This kid at afterschool started an imagination mural and one of the first things I drew was this horrible fly/hornet insect with big flappy lips and globs of drool hanging out of its mouth. And had it a bag around one of its arms as if it was going around collecting flower juice and who knows what else in it. I liked it. I liked how horrible and ugly it was and the fact that it had a bag to collect instead of whatever elegant design nature would provide. Bags are funny. Just how utilitarian but also clunky they are. Bags. Just more bags. Animals with bags. It's comedy gold, baby.

Coffee Thought

In the past 24 hours I've written about 6,000 words, writing a paragraph each about my 50 art students. What did I learn from this?

I learned that you shouldn't wait until the day before the deadline to try to write a summary of each of your students. It will take longer than you expected. You'd think I'd know this having been through school but I guess being out of school for so long has left me a little rusty.

What else?

Nothing else. I learned nothing else from this process. I have never learned anything in my entire life. All I am is a spontaneous reaction of matter and energy to random stimuli that bursts from nonexistence into the present and the only continuity is merely an illusion brought on by the rapid refresh rate of reality.

yeah. that's the good stuff.

I used to write about pretty things

I'd like to go read something I've written out loud.

I hope for things to be as they are. I hope for the leaves to die and the trees to be bare. I hope for it to be dark and cold. I will sit in my car for upwards of 30 minutes not wanting to move as the heat dissipates. I hope to stay in bed for too long. I will be sad. I will be productive. I will be cold. I will get to spend weeks at home and feel good. I hope for snow days. I hope for inclement weather. I hope for things to strain and fall apart. I hope for quiet. I hope for revelations and different states a mind a feeling of something new entering and happening and a place not yet visited appearing. I hope for winter. If any of these things happen I will be excited for I will have called it and will have been right and that is more important than happiness or comfort. Just kidding.

A dull bell slaps wetly against a leather heap.

I need to get started on my work for my art class

I need to get started on my work for my art class. I also need to get groceries and do my laundry and it's starting to get late and it's already dark. Oh well. I was at kind of a low this weekend. I think because I was thinking about the work that I should be doing right now. But also I had a lot of fun last night playing with some acrylic and alcohol inks that I bought.

I want to write something here first though.

I've been trying to get better at rock climbing and so I really need to work on my grip strength. I put a tennis ball in my car and I squeeze it as I drive around. I think it's helped a lot. And lately tasks have been coming up in life that have required gripping things and I've noticed that I approach them with a little extra enthusiasm because I think my hands are stronger than they used to be. I know, right. Can you believe it? How could one man's life be so exciting. But it won't stop there. My grip will keep getting stronger. Stronger and stronger. They'll call me Grip Man and I will travel the globe in a cowboy hat and cowboy vest and cowboy shoes and all cowboy. Back in time I will go to the Wild West where grip strength was essential and the most profitable skill to possess. Jar Opening Contest. Hand Shaking Contest. Rock Climbing. I will be the #1 Cowboy and make my fortune in past money before returning to the future present and seeing how rich I will become with accumulated interest. It is a foolproof plan based on the good habits that I have been growing within myself. One need only look to the proper use of time to find a respectable gentleman such as myself.

yes, that is what I have to say about grip strength. They say an old dog can't learn new tricks. That is because as we age it is more difficult to learn new things.

Yeah. Hey. Wait. What a dumb phrase.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Can't do something ever if it becomes harder than it used to be.

Dumb. Grip Strength. Car Tennis Ball.

all I can think right now is that it's great to be alive. on a planet that's so full of amazing things. in an enormous universe buzzing with energy and emptiness. 

I don't know. sometimes you can say all that or hear it and it means nothing and sometimes it really means something. right now it means something. 

it makes me want to care about people and have good moments with them. which is my job. so that's neat. 

check out this gif I made

it glows!

it turns out that it's really easy and fun to do free form nonsense doodles in pixel form. you can fill up a 64x64 grid in no time while aimlessly making lines. then with a paint bucket and a little bit of patience you can make the whole thing glow an eerie glow.

like some ancient machine that dropped from the cosmos and is coming online after a series of power outages swept through the county.

this was really fun to make. I think I could tile a whole bunch of them together and make this massive wall of machinery. go ahead and imagine that now.

I'm a pixel dude now.

a quick write

the past 3 days I've just been doing a bunch of pixel drawings and animations. it's been really fun. this morning I switched to a different app and it works a lot better than the first one I was using. So that's interesting to everyone and not just me.

Let's see what I was doing 6 years ago today.

That would have been 2013. I would have been working at Matthew Whaley before and after school. Just graduated from college that Spring. Oh how things don't change.

11/5/2013

The closest I could find was the 5th. Oh man, I'm still proud of that drawing of The Maxx. I used a reference and it's pretty sweet! I think I've lost it...

maybe I'll do a pixel version of the Maxx.

The other thing I was doing around this time was making a lot of snack menus. The early drawings were not very good at all. I remember that I got a lot better as the year went on. I was probably not very good at my job in a lot of ways back then. But I know I engaged with the kids and tried to do things. I'm proud that I've gotten a lot better at my job now. Maybe close to the level my supervisor was at, at least in terms of group management and engaging with the kids. Mr. Richard is so cool.

N2ndmber Ove

I bounced back from being sick with a lot of momentum. I was playing around on my iPad and I downloaded an app for making pixel art and then I realized you could animate with it so I've been making lots of little animations on it that I plan to post to instagram. So that's exciting.

It's really good to enjoy being alive after 2-3 days of not enjoying being alive very much. That's great. A lot of it must have to do with sinus pressure.

How I experience such euphoria after getting over being sick?

The key is to refuse all medication and anything that could alleviate your symptoms. You must experience the suffering to the fullest. Build a stack of pillows in the corner of your bed and prop yourself up on them like some sort of lazy scarecrow man. Shove toilet ball up your nose and breathe out of your mouth and have circular thoughts about your hopes and worries. Feel sorry for yourself and talk to no one. Wear your sick-time beanie. The beanie that confirms sick time is in session. Lament the loss of breathing out of your nostrils. The time is ripe and heavy with discomfort and malaise. This is the layer of darkness that you submerge into it. Yum yum yum. Appetite is suppressed and the senses are dulled. Ponder past versions of your sick self. Are you stronger in the face of illness now? Weaker? Remember the time that you had a fever and ran a track workout and through up the mozzarella sticks you had for lunch on the side of the track. Then you'd go home and be miserable in your bed then eat dinner while crying and doing AP History homework.

Hahaha, high school was such a miserable time. Oh man. If I'd truly known how ridiculous it was I would have been so much more upset.

...could that be true of right now as well?

Nah. Probs no.

I'm still sick

It's halloween night. The city of Charlottesville has cancelled trick or treating. I'm sick. I'm on my phone. I ate a pretzel roll and olive oil for dinner then fell asleep and woke up two hours later and didn't know what day it was. I haven't run in 3 days. It's a low.

But things could be a lot worse. And I know I'm gonna sleep well tonight and feel a lot better and I've got a nice long weekend. I'll get back on track starting tomorrow. So there's nothing to be sad about it. Here I am. Accepting the world.

Today a 5th grader had one of those inflatable dinosaur costumes and he was worried because he thought and 8th grader was going to treat him like a punching bag so another kid in 5th grade goes "I'll be your bodyguard. I'll be in front because I'm thick." This kid is wearing fake nerd glasses and a hotdog costume. And then the littlest boy in the whole school goes, "No! I'll protect him. my people are scottish and they throw logs for sport!" And he's not in a costume at all.

So the two of them start arguing back and forth, the hotdog repeating that he is the thickest and the small boy repeating that the Scottish throw logs.

It's a beautiful holiday.

I'm fully sick

Oh man. I'm fully congested, feeling crummy sick. Mouth breathing. Little bit of a cough. This cold came on Monday night and now it is in full swing. So excited to not sleep very much and wake up early for a full day of teaching and afterschool. But that's alright because I have a long weekend for afterschool so all I have to do is survive tomorrow and then I can rest up and be my self by next week. That's pretty good.

I didn't run yesterday or today so maybe my goal of running a great mile repeat session on Friday will have to be scrapped. I did finish my card game though. I'm pretty excited about it. I think it could be fun. It's called That Card Game with Dice, because I'm bad at coming up with names. I think it's something elementary/middle school me might have really enjoyed. You draw cards and then they do different things based on what number you roll on the die. You try to beat the other person. It's fun. I'm trying to sell it to the kids at afterschool. I'll organize tournaments with prizes so they have to play. My favorite part is that it's really customizable and a deck is only 10 cards so there's a low barrier for contributing.

Had a minor hiccup in the design today after I printed the first batch and realized that the pictures were too small and the text was too fuzzy. So tonight I went through and redesigned the cards to make the pictures bigger and moved a lot of text to a separate card that can be referenced during play.

I made a deck where you just try to hit the other person really hard. I made a deck where you try to mess with the cards and the dice and control what's happening. I made a deck where the cards work together and boost each other. I made a deck where you poison the other person and they build up a bunch of passive damage. And I made a deck where you're trying to sacrifice your own cards and if you succeed then you summon Lord Smorgasbord who wins the game for you. I had some ideas for other decks and one off cards because I think you could eventually mix and match different types.

I don't know. It's a lot of work. I'm kinda tired at looking at a Google Doc and editing. I wanna draw now. I should go to bed but my nose is so stuffed up I know I won't sleep well. Oh well. At least it's gonna rain all day tomorrow. Happy Halloween. :D

what was I doing at this time 4 years ago?

wow, this apparently

https://tunderscores.blogspot.com/2015/10/another-series.html

I was quite the go-getter.

Then this is from 10/28/2012

Rain like big pigs sucking on the sidewalk,
trying to get to the library and the bus has broken down.
Wet skin, wet bones, wet earth and wet toes,
feeling for a pack of upturned lips.

Maybe we should all groan along inside,
relax the grey away until we're dusted over.
Little baby peacock wants to jump in puddles,
found a broken guitar in my toilet ring.

Muttered puddles break down towered piles
of thought and sand and sticks.
A soggy mash of ideas that stain, run, tear and wrinkle.
Thinking about trying on another person's brain.

If it all shuts down when the sky turns brown
hand in hand with the sound of my...mumbling.
Buy a cat and name him Charlie, something cute.
Sleep in and make pancakes.

We can wait until it's dry to play again.

This has been fun to look at.

I think I'm still productive. Just in a different way now. More drawing and making things than putting things on the blog.

I do like creative writing.

Oh! I was feeling kinda sick today and I didn't do much playing with the kids but when we were in the gym I went over to a corner and sat down on a wedge mat and rested and it was cool how the kids seemed to gravitate towards the area I was in. Most of them weren't engaging with me directly at all but you could tell that they were definitely drawn to where I was. And the contrast was made clear by my new coworker who was also sitting but completely by herself on the other side of the gym. It starts to sound mean or like bragging but I thought it was cool afterwards to imagine myself sitting in the gym while the music was playing and the kids just kinda dancing and frolicking all around on the mats all over the floor. Being able to be part of it and in tune with it just by sitting there. That was cool. That was really cool.

goals for this week

-print out copies of the new new card game

-rock climb at least once

-run a great mile repeat session on Friday

-get paid

my favorite interaction today

at the end of the day in afterschool we were in the gym and I see a 4th grade girl off to the side with her hand over her face, clearly looking upset. I walked over and she was crying a little bit which was odd because like 5 minutes before we were in the gym I'd just been talking to her and she seemed fine, a little off and weird and she made an off-hand comment about people not liking her but far from crying. Anyway, I sat down next to her and just tried to be there for her if she needed me. I asked a few more times if anything had happened and she never gave an answer other than shaking her head but something felt right about sitting next to her like that. Like it was okay that she was sad and she wasn't alone and I was just gonna sit there with her if she needed me.

After a few minutes she got up and rejoined the group and started having fun with the other kids so that was good to see. I don't know. I don't really consider myself good at comforting people but it felt like the right thing in that moment.

me running in a race

things I want to prioritize

running- I ran 26:20 yesterday for 3rd in an 8k cross country race against a bunch of college kids. It went well. I think it was definitely on par with a 20:50 I ran for 4 miles two weekends ago, possibly slightly better given that it was about a mile farther and on a cross country course instead of roads. I still feel like I have room to improve. The Richmond 8k and the Harrisonburg Turkey Trot are my main goals for the Fall.

afterschool- Afterschool has been going really well this year. The kids are really bought in and having a great time. There have been a lot of shake-ups with staff but I've been able to be consistent and lead my group without much help so that's been good. I have an idea for a card game that I am slowly creating and I think the kids might get really into it. Maybe I can have something made by the end of this week.

art- I've been staying really busy with projects and making things. Lately it's seemed like ideas keep leading to more ideas and I also have some requests for making things that I haven't been able to start. I finished up a different card game yesterday that I need to print and put together. I think it could be really fun. Last month I was doing a lot of painting and this month I've been busy with little projects, mostly drawing. I also have a weird book I'm slowly putting together.

teaching art: This Thursday I had a great day teaching art because I felt like all of my classes were bought into the routine that I've established. Without much prompting everyone just kind of did their thing. So that's exciting to see progress in setting up an environment where they want to make things.

yeah! I think I should leave it at that. There are other things I could put on this list but I think if I put too many things then I'll feel like I'm not getting enough done. Two jobs and two hobbies seem pretty good for one person!

oh and rock climbing! Gotta get better at rock climbing. At least once a week!

my origin story

I think things are going in the right direction for me

but it's a matter of staying at it. Like I don't think any big moves would be helpful or that I need to shift things around a lot. I just need to stay at what I'm doing and I'm going to see progression and a change. I'm being vague but I think it's true of a lot of different parts of my life. And maybe what's hard is doing the right things but not seeing a change yet. But I think that's because changes take time, not because I'm doing anything wrong. something like that.

Some Pictures

a cool house in cville

some art for a card game I made up

we built tunnels in the woods

the goodest dog

something for the kids

this is a commercial for afterschool. do you often find that when school ends you just lay down on the floor and go to sleep until school starts again? do you eat nothing but potatoes and live in a potato and sleep on potatoes and watch potatoes and take your potatoes for walks? do you sometimes see a large bird flying over your head and think, "who am I? what does this mean?" Well, lucky for you, there is a better way. After the school day, you should come to afterschool. Stop living your weird nightmare life and have fun at afterschool. We have games. You can make friends. We have snacks that aren't potatoes. It's really great. There's even a day where we have a contest to see who can put on the most sweaters at one time? That's never actually happened before but it definitely would not be the weirdest thing we've ever done. So come to afterschool. You'll be glad you did!

locked my keys in my car

had to walk to Tony's and knock on his door to get him to help me. he helped me. Tony is such a great guy. He was my neighbor when I first moved to Charlottesville and one of the first times I talked to him was when I locked my keys in my car. The last time I locked my keys in was in may 2017 in the food lion parking lot and I called Tony and he came and got it unlocked within minutes. What a great guy. I really owe him a lot.

road adventure

last night around 9PM I realized that my oatmeal boy and spoon weren't in the house. I figured I must have left it in the art room. so I made the half hour drive out to the school to pick it up. my fear was that earlier in the day I'd left the bowl on the roof of my car because I had been carrying a lot of things at once and might have placed it up there and forgot about it. It was in the classroom though. Then on the drive back I played Kid Cudi's "Make Her Say" on repeat the whole way back. It was great fun.

i feel good

since deciding that I want to stay with teaching art for sure, I think I'm in a really good place in terms of having time to do the things I like to do and also not having to worry about money. It's hard to find a good balance between the two at times but this year seems like it will be a good year for that. 

I really like my afterschool job. I laugh a lot there. Like really hard laughter. Kids are great.

the track workout went well

the three bits of songs that loop in my head throughout the day

"can't look at those eyes, without sparking some" jack stauber: buttercup

"beautiful morning, you're the sun in my morning babe, nothing unwanted" father stretch my hands pt. 1 kanye west

"black, white, green or blue, show off your natural hue, flamingo, oh oh oh oh, if you're multicolored that's cool too"- flamingo by kero kero bonito

track workout later

uva's track is open from 7 pm to 9pm on weeknights and they turn the stadium lights on so that's a good option for the days when I teach art. we'll see if I can run a good one tonight.

I'm not sure why but I've been really on the fence about staying at the teaching job. It's a lot of little things. But I thought about it a lot last night and it really is too good an opportunity to just leave. I also went through the year and scheduled different units and that helped a lot. 

I don't know. It felt good to finally decide, "yes. I'm going to stay with this." I'll probably hesitate again in the future but I think it will get easier.

Things I Did

made a painting for my friend chris's birthday

made the word of the bird

made a weird story about possums and toads

went to work

made a music video

ran a good track workout

got some commissions for paintings through craigslist!

what a day.

school me vs afterschool me

Day Three

So, I did not get the site facilitator job. It wasn't too much of a surprise although still a disappointment.

I think the big takeaway was the support I got from my coworkers though. For the past two weeks I've felt kind of uneasy around everyone at work, like there was something that wasn't being said. It just seemed like people were avoiding subjects and not wanting to speak freely at times. But, I was really relieved when one co-teacher told me that I clearly had passion for what I do and that as long as I stay in the field I want to be in, the opportunities will arise. And he also shared how in his own experience, when he entered his 30s, a lot of things started to open up. So that was really good to hear. I think that's exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.

And then my other co-teacher shared that she had been in on the phone before work with the woman who had made the hiring decision and she was really sympathetic and most importantly, she spoke up on my behalf about my really negative experience with the substitute teacher who had been stepping on toes and being really uncooperative and rude this week. I was so grateful that she said that because I really didn't want to cause trouble. It was the kind of situation where I was working with someone who I didn't agree with and in the past I've had conflict with those kinds of people but I was telling myself to let it pass and fake it for two weeks and not rock the boat. And I knew that was going to be really hard for me so it was really incredible that she spoke up on my behalf and then that message got relayed back to the substitute and she was put in her place today.

So yeah, the people I work with really supported me when I needed them to. That was an incredibly good feeling and then I had a good day at work.

Now I need to get my head back into this art class because I was also thinking about leaving after six weeks. That ain't gonna happen anymore. It's good though. The kids are pretty bought in and enthusiastic so it's just gonna be about coming up with ideas and trying them out. That'll be good.

Day Two

I'll find out about the job tomorrow. That's what I was told.

I'm really tired and I feel like there are a lot of things I'm not in control of right now. That kind of stresses me out. But I'm also thankful for a lot. I'm thankful that I had a really good workout this morning and that running is going really well.

I'm thankful that I'm making a lot of art. I'm thankful that I've experienced a lot and that I have a good sense of who I am and what I'm worth. I'm resilient.

Anyway, now I'm being too dramatic. I need sleep. I'm thankful for sleep too.

Day One

Today was the first day without the site facilitator at afterschool. I filled in and performed some of the duties. That part was okay. I thought I was going to find out if I got the job of facilitator today but then they pushed it back to tomorrow or wednesday. So it goes.

We had a substitute who was just filling in as a teacher to help me with my kids. The person had a lot of experience and clearly was well-versed in the rules but they kind of rubbed some of the boys the wrong way by coming down on the boys really hard and imposing rules that we've either never had or haven't been enforcing as much. The person just kind of went about it in a wrong way. Or, in a way that really stressed the kids out without giving much in return. They're just a sub though so it will pass.

If I get the job then for three weeks I'll be the site facilitator and teaching art. It's not that much extra work but I'm a little stressed by the idea of it. I'll just go one day at a time with it.

Tomorrow I'm getting up early to run a workout. Then driving straight to the school. Teaching. Then heading over to afterschool to set up. Then I can go home and relax. And hopefully by the end of the day I'll know if I got the job or not. We'll see.

good hill workout today

it wasn't quite a runner's high but I did have a moment in the middle of running up and down this big hill that I felt like the only thing that was real and the only thing that mattered was running up the hill really hard. That was a good feeling. It's nice to have poetic thoughts sometimes. Or, dramatic thoughts I guess.

talked with luke

last night I called my sister and had a good talk.

this evening I called Luke and had a good talk.

it's important that I reach out to people when I need to talk. It's important to reach out in general. I need to be good about that.

childhood memory:

when I was in like kindergarten or first grade or something there were two boys who lived across the street. One was a year older than me and one was like a few years younger than me, Timmy and Tony. And I remember there was this period where I would just take things from them. Like I would just steal. They'd have a toy or something and I wanted it so I would just grab it and run away. I'm sure I'm not remembering this right but I think I had taken something from them before and they were mad at me for it but I guess the next day we were hanging out and they had one of those small plastic kiddie swimming pools out in their yard and it had all these toys floating around in it. And the younger kid, Timmy, was like, "okay, now don't steal any of these." And I saw a pink plastic dinosaur floating around and thought, oh man. I want that dinosaur. I should grab it and run. So I did. I just reached in, grabbed it, and ran across the street and inside while Timmy yelled at me. Probably crying. I was being a truly awful person.

Anyway, the way it ended was that as I was getting ready for bed I told my mom, "hey, I took this from Timmy and Tony's house" and showed her the dinosaur. Understandably, she got really upset and was like "you can't STEAL things. go give that back right now."

So I walked outside as it was getting dark, sobbing and yelling. Timmy, Tony, and their dad were standing in the window of the front of their house and I was in the street, crying and yelling, "I'M SORRY! I NEED TO GIVE THIS BACK! YOU CAN HAVE THIS BACK! I'M SORRY I STOLE IT!"

All I can remember was just looking at them looking at me. I don't think they went outside or said anything. So after a while I kinda walked away. I want to say that I left it in their yard but part of me thinks I just held on to the dinosaur.

Anyway, that's the time when I almost learned that stealing was wrong. I guess not completely because I kept the dinosaur but felt bad.

here's a bad joke

This guy goes to a bike store and he's looking around the floor of the store, just kinda wandering around aimlessly with a focused look on his face, brow furrowed. A woman working behind the counter notices him and after a while she says, "can I help you with anything?"

The man looks up and says, "All these bikes are already put together. I want to build my own bike. Do you have any spare parts?"

The woman says, "Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, if you'll follow me to the back, I think we have just what you need."

The woman goes to the back of the store and opens a plain wooden door and the man follows her into this unfinished back room. Inside are a ton of bins full of random bike parts in various stages of disrepair.

The man walks over to one of the bins and fishes out a pedal. He holds it up and says to the woman, "Now, I've never built a bike before. Heck, I've never even ridden one. I barely know what I'm doing. Do you have anyone that could recommend the right set of pedals for me?"

The woman says, "No, we don't have a pedal person."

The man sets down the pedals and says, "Alright."

He picks up some handlebars and says, "Anyone work here that could tell me what to look for in handlebars?"

The woman says, "No, we don't have a handlebars person."

The man sets down the handlebars and picks up a seat from another bin. "Could anyone tell me how to pick out a proper seat?"

The woman says, "No, we don't have a seat person."

The man drops the seat back into the bin, getting a little frustrated. He walks over to another bin and pulls out some brakes. He looks at the woman and says, "How about brakes?"

The woman says, "No, we don't have a brakes person."

The man picks up a frame and says, "How about a frame?"

The woman says, "No, I'm sorry sir, we don't have a frame person."

The man drops the frame and brakes and fishes out a set of gears and chains. "What about gears and chains. Do you know anyone that could explain what these are and how to attach them and use them properly?"

The woman scratches her head and says, "No, I don't think we have a gears and chains person."

The man picks up a wheel and says, "Can anyone tell me what this is and how to put it on a bike?!"

The woman says, "Oh yeah! I can help you there. I'm the spokesperson!"

i got a check

from my car insurance for $123. I don't know why.

Anyway, I haven't felt as much like myself lately. Probably because of the new teaching job. It's been taking a lot of time and attention. Mostly attention. Not all that much time actually.

Running has been going really well. I'm not running as much as last year but I'm doing a lot more fast stuff and today I did some strides in a grass field that felt really good. And on the run back I was floating. It was really nice.

I'm still doing art. I'm not as committed to it as I was a year ago. I would purposefully sit down every day, sometimes twice a day and crank out a drawing. Now I'll go a few days and not do much of anything. Or I'll work on a big piece every once in a while. But I'm not making a defined thing every day. Normally I'd come out of summer camp and start doing that again. Maybe I'll get back into that. Time just kinda gets away from me.

I don't really have to worry about money for this year. That's good. Back in the Spring I thought I was just going to lose money this year, a little bit every month. Now with the teaching job I'll come out ahead. That's good. I have enough saved that I could just not work for a year if I wanted. I don't think I'd like that though. I really enjoy afterschool. Today we sat around and watched some of the videos I took from last year. It was a ton of fun. Like watching home movies. I remember watching and enjoying them last year but they were extra special now that it's a new year.

some childhood memories I thought about today:

that time the street got painted with stars. what a cool time that was. the entire street was covered in stars. and it stayed like that for a while. I was really young when it happened so it didn't register as all that strange or unique at the time. Now I'm like, "wow, I've never heard or seen anything like that since."

this other time in 5th grade we were talking about idioms and metaphors and figurative language and trying to think of examples and the kid across from me, Garrett, told the teacher that his grandmother would say to his mom, "you look all fagged out", meaning really tired. And the teacher was upset and told him that was inappropriate. I was thinking about it during my run and it got me how that kid clearly did not have the best home situation and he inadvertently shared a really personal moment with everyone. Like he gave this glimpse into his mom having a hard time and he wasn't trying to make a joke and seemed like he really wanted to contribute to the conversation based on something he'd heard, and he just got totally smacked down for it. like completely rejected. Kinda bums me out to think about. 

tomorrow's goals

I need to teach them how to do the progress sheets at the start of class.

then a drawing game to go over expectations. 

respect each other- constructive criticism, allowing others to concentrate, includes me and I will respect them

respect yourself- effort, having a plan, being appropriate, being prepared

respect the space- cleaning, maintaining the materials, keeping up with the portfolio

then picking out portfolios

going over the syllabus 

going over the drawing unit

decorating the portfolio

finishing progress sheet for the day.

the big goals are to set them up to start drawing next week and also reign in some of the craziness of the first day. they were really really excited i think.

yeah!

first day teaching thoughts

they were really high energy. I mean, they were good kids. smart kids. motivated. but oh my gosh they did not stop talking and fidgeting. I wasn't really expecting that. But that's okay. The key will be giving them stuff to do. They seem like a motivated group, they just can't sit still for too long.

I was pretty soft on them today. But now I know their names. It'll get better. I'll lock it down. I don't know. I'm still not super excited about teaching. And having a crazy long day. I like afterschool and being outside and stuff. If I can be my laziest and most dirtbaggiest for a moment.

I do need the money though. And also, I don't think I should let my feelings dictate anything about the job for a while. Feelings are weird and they change.

I had a good moment in the last class with this kid who was quiet the whole time. The rest of the class was kinda crazy and loud for the most part and this kid had his head down and he was doodling the whole time. Towards the end I got a chance to talk to him and he made these really cool lunar modules and rockets and stuff. I talked to him about it a little and he was like, "These are the best drawings I've made in a few years." And I was like "no way! That's so cool. In this class just now?" And then he told them that he draws in class because it helps him listen

i was like ME TOO! I'M EXACTLY THE SAME!

So that was a great moment. Shout out to that kid. He made my whole day.

challenging myself

One thing I really liked about the boarding school I worked at was that it really challenged me to grow as a person. That was a huge sense of achievement and accomplishment. And then being on leadership at camp was a similar sense of achievement but a lot more fun. Those things were also exhausting.

Doing afterschool again last year was kind of a step down. Although I got to focus on running and art again and that felt good. The summer camp I worked at this year was also a step down because I was a counselor and the programs weren't as structured. The thing about growth is it's hard and can be stressful and it's nice to just be confident in what you do and not have many surprises. But I also miss growth after a while.

So, anyway, the point of saying all that is to try to frame how I'm feeling about starting teaching this week. I'm nervous. I'm not excited about it. But that's also exactly how I felt before I started at the boarding school. It tells me that I'm going to be challenged and by the end of it I will feel a sense of accomplishment and growth. I'll be a teacher. Which is kinda the one role I haven't checked off my list.

I've been a coach, a camp counselor, a residential counselor, a before-and-after school counselor, a challenge course instructor. Other than teacher I've never been a nanny/babysitter or a tutor.

Around this time a year ago I thought I might go be a counselor at a wilderness therapy program.

This will be a year where I challenge myself. And make more money. That's usually the other upside to challenging myself. The downside is on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'll leave the house before 8AM and probably get home close to 7PM. And then try to find time to run. Oof.

Oh well. At the boarding school I used to work 14-15 hour days and then run at like midnight. I've done worse.

first day of afterschool today

I didn't have to go in to prepare for the art class today. It feels really good to have my lazy morning schedule again. Going in for the first day of afterschool in a few hours.

Last year I focused a lot more attention on planning activities and as the year went on I got better at improvising and working with what the kids were already doing. Also, they don't pay me to plan so I got tired of putting in all those extra hours at home. But yeah, my goal is to improvise. Now that there's a culture in place and some behavior expectations are set, it should be a really good year.

After work I need to stop by and pick up my truck. They finished the inspection so I'm guessing it went well. And I should really start getting materials ready for the art class.

-introduction presentation
-get to know you handout
-introduction activity handout
-daily planner/progress handout
-expectations presentation
-portfolio handout/first unit outline

a lot of that stuff should be short and easy to make.

i did it!

I did all the things I said I was gonna do! feeling accomplished. and also tired. 

I'm still trying to figure out how I want to structure the art class.

Like if the first unit is drawing then I'll ask that the portfolio have some combination of a comic, a zentangle, a drawing from a reference, an invented aircraft, an invented creature. They can pick 5 or whatever.

And then each week I'll sample one and give some criteria. That could work. And then if they get really into something,  I'm open to them taking more time or redoing something as long as they can show their process. 

yeah, that sounds good. 

check in

I went to the dentist this morning. Everything looks good. I need to go back Thursday morning and they're going to fix one of the fillings they did for free. I also need to schedule to get my truck inspected and call the renter's insurance people to set up my payment. I've been wanting to do that for a week but it's been hard to find a free moment between 9 and 5 lately on weekdays.

I went to the school where I'll be teaching art. I'm excited to have my own space and be able to make my own curriculum but also a little overwhelmed. Right now I need to focus on the first day and setting up the room. I can do that during the week and also on the weekend if I have to.

We had the open house at the elementary school tonight and I saw all my afterschool kids. It was great. I was really happy to see them. My memory might be rose-tinted but I think the culture is where I want it to be and I really want to focus on having fun and engaging with the kids. They really like the spontaneous stuff and I'm going to do my best to document and display it for them.

Tomorrow I'm going to get up and run. Eat. Go to the school to talk more about the art class and start setting up the space and organizing. Then I'm gonna go over to Meriwether and set up the space for the opening day. That shouldn't be too hard. We want to set up one corner as like a photo booth area and then I'll think of some other stuff to put up. I also need to find time to call the garage to get my inspection and the insurance people. That should be easy. If I'm really ambitious I'll mow the yard in the evening. That would be something. Yeah.

Then Wednesday is the first day of afterschool!

8/13

-took kids to Paul's Creek. it rained. I tried to make a big rock stack. It fell over.

-found a really cool deer skull in the woods. named it Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies. it had crickets living in it.

-went to afterschool for the first planning day. thought I was safe to fart in the closet, didn't think I would be followed. shortly after my other coworkers showed up. oops. my fart was not safe.

-got locked out of my house. texted my roommates and mowed the yard while waiting.

-good workout in the evening. I ran around this neighborhood twice. it's 2.3 miles long per loop.

-had a yummy tex mex meal and grapes again also.

some highlights from the day

- I got a bunch of hoses and turned the camp gaga pit into a huge mudpit. that's pretty much what I did all day at camp. we were completely covered.

-I went for a run and there's this pipe bridge that I cross over to get to some trails and I found a guy sitting in the water, beer can in his hand, yelling/singing. so I did a different run

-I'm really tired, probably from the mudpit and I thought about treating myself with compassion. Like, recognizing how you feel and being nice to yourself. it's something I should do more often. Not that I don't take care of myself.

-I'm eating yummy grapes.

good day.

cool idea

today we took a long piece of bamboo and we laid it down across the width of the pool and everyone lined up and took turns trying to walk across it. it was endlessly entertaining. wipeouts, triumphs, defeats. super fun. I wish I had pictures but I'm writing it down to remember it and reuse.

also it's raining really hard right now.

i'm gonna be an art teacher

I should plan for that. Maybe here.

First Day: introduce myself. get to know the kids. I'm thinking I'll make some kind of powerpoint that has some art I've made and talks about past jobs I've had. or whatever. Then I'll come up with some kind of activity to have the kids talk a bit. Maybe find out an interest and their feelings about art.

Second Day: lay out expectations for the class and a general overview of what the year will look like. I was thinking that every six weeks they would get a portfolio grade to assess what they've worked on and they would also get a daily grade that reflects behavior and being on task. Art is just about doing it. You need to practice. The space and time is for practicing and doing art. If you do that, good job.

I was also thinking about offering a new activity every week. I will see 4 groups twice a week, each week for about 50 minutes. So it's really not a lot of time. But for the ones that can't focus on any one thing or don't really enjoy art, I'd offer some variety. At the same time, if somebody gets really into something or wants to do a larger project, I don't really have a problem with that. As long as they're using the time well. So maybe you'd knock out 5 projects for your portfolio or maybe you'd have one or two really detailed, in-depth projects. I don't know. I can see it not working out. But I'd rather have a few excellent projects than a bunch of ones that could just as easily be thrown away.

The second week I would want to show them how to do the abstract doodles that I like, that I got from Peter Draws. The way I do it is just a few easily repeatable lines and patterns. I feel like if you break it down into a few easy steps, it's really easy to do. Just fill a page with some patterns.

The third week would be drawing from a reference. It's a good skill to have.

The fourth week would be designing something. The theme at the school for the first six weeks is aviation so I was thinking the kids could design their own aircraft. Planes, helicopters, flying saucers, zeppelins. Whatever. You could make it by doodling or you could get a reference and modify it. Or you could just do your own thing.

The fifth week I planned to do posters. But I might change that to something that builds on the previous weeks a little better. This weekend I discovered Amik, the 1976 Montreal Olympics mascot. It's a beautifully simple design. So maybe we could look at that. Kind of minimal design and iconography. That could be fun.

today i was doing tie dye

and we ran out of rubber bands to tie the shirts up so I went in the lifeguard shack to look for more rubber bands but instead of rubber bands I found an old rotary telephone not connected to anything so I walk out of the shack with the telephone and I say

"I'm gonna call the president of rubber bands on the phone and one of you will have to ask him for rubber bands"

so I start mashing buttons on the phone for as long as possible and tell the kids that it's a really long number and then I answer the phone and act like someone is talking and then held the receiver up to the face of one of the kids and said "ask for rubber bands"

and they said "can we have rubber bands?"

and then I slammed the phone down and said "No! You didn't say please!"

and redialed the number and kept letting more kids try to ask the president of rubber bands for rubber bands to distract from the fact that we couldn't do tie dye anymore

some kiddos on some trailos

my job is pretty great

I'm playing online connect four again

it's real fun.

the lame reason I'm playing online connect four again is because I've been watching these videos of Magnus Carlsen playing chess on youtube and he talks through everything he's doing and he destroys everyone. 

But chess is too hard for me. When I play connect four online I can pretend I'm Magnus. Except I lose about a third of the time.

My coolness has peaked in this moment right now.

I'm gonna be an art teacher in the fall

a part time art teacher at a private all-boys middle school.

any suggestsions?

Running Break

It's been frustrating to be injured since May. But today I was thinking about it and a lot of the stress comes from feeling like I need to be fit at a certain time. Like I need to be in shape so I can run well at the 8k in November. Or have three good training cycles by the time the Ten Miler happens. And that's not really true. I don't really have to be ready to race by any predesignated time. It would be nice if I could do the races in the past that I enjoy doing, but it's not something to be worried about. If taking a week or two off gets me back to a place where I'm not hurting all the time, then that's the best thing to do.

Plan to Make My Foot Better

Today is the day I woke up and decided I don't want my left foot to be all jacked up anymore.

I need to focus on doing heel drops and calf raises to fix my achilles and the plantar fasciitis. I need to dial back my running and not be doing workouts or upping my mileage if I start the run in pain. I've been doing some barefoot running around the neighborhood and that has felt really good. I think I'll slowly progress that as well. I need to be hydrated and sleeping more. Yeah!

And then I was also researching how to get rid of toe nail fungus and I think I'm going to try to dissolve my toe nails in August with Urea 40% gel and then put antifungal cream on it. Apparently urea will dissolve a nail in like a week if you keep it wrapped and dry. And then once the nail is gone it's easier to treat the fungus underneath. So that could be fun.

Yes! I. will. be. better.

running update

I've had consistent pain in my achilles and under my arch for a few months now. I really need to focus on improving it and getting rid of the pain. It was really bad in June and then as it got better I started running more but now I'm noticing it's not continuing to improve. So I should probably focus on that.

i am the buffoon supreme

today I asked

today I asked a group of middle school boys to make an art project, make something nice, make something aesthetically pleasing to look at, out of objects found in nature. I wanted them to make a nice little arrangement out of leaves and sticks and rocks and things.

and within 5 minutes--not even that long probably---they had taken two long sticks and laid them out on the ground in the shape of a cross and one of the boys laid down on the sticks as if he'd be crucified and another boy stood on top of him and performed a maneuver known as "teabagging", essentially squatting over the boy and then standing up repeatedly.

my thought was, "well, I mean, it really does seem like this is your religion at this point in your life. this does kind of sum up what you're all about right now."

nothing is sacred

nother joke

a walrus snuck into a special preview of a new children's book that was written to help children cope with having constant dizzy spells. 

the walrus dragged itself across the auditorium, terrifying attendees and bellowing horribly. then it approached the console on stage and by carefully using its tusks it typed out a message on the computer that was projected on the screen--outlining a plan to return to the arctic by building a raft of children and taking them for a spin. 

really looking forward to this weekend

I've been going for about three weeks straight without a good break and I don't feel like I'm recovering very well. But this weekend is my chance to do very little and relax. So that is good. I guess it's also good to be really busy. Everything in moderation.

professional van driver

today I was driving a van full of six year olds from the overnight campsite to the regular camp and we start driving and one of them from the back says, "where are we going?"

And I yell "to get ICE CREAM!"

And they all yelled "YAYYY!!!!"

And they started chanting ice cream and saying all their favorite flavors and the counselor next to me is looking at me like 'what are you saying?'

So what I did was, on the way back to camp we pass zero ice cream stands but we do go past the elementary school I work at during the school year and I took the van into the empty parking lot of this elementary school. We park in front of this empty trailer where they have music classes.

I said, "Alright, that's the ice cream stand. Somebody get out and go knock on the door and yell 'we want ice cream!'

And all of the kids kind of know that none of this is real and one kid in the back is like "HEY! This isn't an ice cream store! This is my school! I go to school here and I know YOU work here at afterschool."

And I said, "no, no. That building over there is the school building. This building is the ice cream store."

The two little girls get out and they tentatively knock on the door and say, "we want ice cream"

obviously no one is around because this is an elementary school on the 4th of july. but anyway then we drove back to camp.

the kids weren't like disappointed or mad at me. I think they were mostly confused. I don't know. It was a bizarre experience all around.

joke again

I thought this was implied but it occurred to me to say that these are not my original punchlines. I'm just taking mediocre jokes and making them worse with overly long setups. anyway, I'll attempt an entirely original joke:

There's a mother and a daughter together in a car and their going on a long trip to visit the grandmother. The daughter is in a teenager and she spends most of the trip on her phone but then her battery gets low so she puts the phone down and they sit in silence for a long time.

Eventually they pass through this little town on this rural highway their taking to grandma's house and the daughter says, "Hey, Mom?"

The mom says, "Yes?"

The daughter says, "Remember how you lost those earrings you really liked?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I know why they went missing. I wore them one day to school without telling you and I got in a fight after school and took them out before the fight and I never picked them up again. And then later I tried to look for them, but they were gone."

The mother is quiet for a long time and then she says, "Well, I kinda figured that you had taken them. And I appreciate you finally telling me the truth. Part of me wants to be mad but I'd be lying if I said I didn't do things like that when I was young too. But, you know why what you did was wrong, right?"

"Yes, Mom. I'll never do that again."

Some more time goes by. They pass through another little two stoplight town.

The daughter says, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Remember how the dog went missing and we never find him and then a few months later I told you that I won cruise tickets in a math contest at school?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I know what happened to the dog. And also I never won a math contest at school. Our school doesn't have a math contest. I sold the dog to a guy who paid in cash and demanded I not ask any questions."

The Mom sighs. "You know how much I loved our dog. I think about him every day still. But...I also think about that cruise and how much fun we had. I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand why you did what you did. But you know that was wrong, right?"

"Yes. I will never do that again."

More time goes by. They're almost to grandma's house.

The daughter takes a deep breath and says, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"You remember that report on the news about the Arby's that caught on fire the same night I was at my friend Michelle's house for a sleepover?"

The mom says, "You went to Arby's?!"

--------------------------------------------------

arby's being a punchline isn't really original either. I'm open to suggestions for how to end it.

another other joke

A bear is walking through the woods and he comes across a rabbit. The rabbit is very nervous.

The bear says, "Hello, Rabbit."

The rabbit replies "H-Hello, Bear. How are you today?"

The bear says, "Oh I'm fine. Just roaming around looking at things and eating things and rolling in things and doing typical bear activities. It's not too unbearable."

The bear looks at the rabbit expectantly.

The rabbit realizes the bear has just made a joke and says, "Haha! Ha! Very funny, Bear."

The bear smiles, "And how are you, rabbit?"

The rabbit says, "Oh I'm fine. I just alternate between standing completely still and running for my life at all times of the day. I might go find a field of flowers later and sit in and be adorable."

The bear says, "That sounds nice."

The rabbit visibly relaxes for the first time in the conversation.

The bear says, "Say, Rabbit? Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No, not really.

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes with him.

what hurts?

I want to do a grumpy complaining post to start off July.

In no particular order:

I burned the roof of my mouth on Friday eating a microwave burrito because I was rushing to a lifeguard class. It's still really tender and I think eating is preventing it from healing. Or maybe it's getting infected I don't know. I swished some warm salt water around my mouth today. maybe that will help.

Two of my bottom teeth still hurt from some fillings I got back in April. I went back in May and they adjusted them a little bit but I still notice them. I should probably call and schedule an appointment to have them adjusted again but I don't feel like I have any time to go to the dentist and I'm going back in a month anyway.

My achilles and plantar fascia have been sore for a while now. But I think I'm starting to figure that out.

Didn't notice any foot pain today during my run but that's probably because I bashed my toe open on a rock.

It's all very minor stuff. It just kinda hurts to eat and move. But it could be worse. And it'll get better soon-eventually.

another other joke

this guy is burn with a rare mutation that causes his skin to be on fire all the time, constantly. his parents notice when he's like 3 years old that his fingertips are abnormally hot. And over the course of a few months, his fingers and then eventually his hands are just on fire all the dang time. it doesn't cause the boy any pain and doesn't seem to do any damage to his skin. so the only thing the parents can think of is covering his hands in flame retardant oven mitts and then preventing oxygen from reaching his skin. Years go by and the condition keeps spreading and by the time the boy his 15 years old he basically spends his whole life in a space suit type contraption that prevents all exposure to the outside world. well, the upside is that he's a medical marvel and he allows himself to be studied by scientists and does a big media tour and makes enough money so that by 25 he can buy his own island and move away from his society forever and just pay people to deal with him and not ask questions.

now by this point he lets himself by exposed and wears whatever he wants, custom clothing that won't melt or ignite, and everyone accepts it. one day he decides to go golfing and his caddie meets him at the first tee and notices something peculiar. he asks the man, "sir, why are you wearing two pairs of pants?"

"In case I get a hole in one."

ice machine

what makes a house a home

another joke

It turns out that when you die, what really happens is that you go under the Earth as a skeleton and you live for the rest of eternity, until the Earth is engulfed by the Sun, as a skeleton doing one job for the rest of your days. And the way it works is they line up the new crop of recruits and they go down the line and they ask you what job you want to do. It's usually about six skeletons at a time.

This crop of six skeletons is standing in a line and the Skeleton Task Master goes down the line and points to each one and they say the job they want.

The first one goes, "janitor."

The second one says, "racecar driver."

The third one says, "scientist."

The fourth one says, "arsonist."

The fifth one says, "ditch digger."

The sixth one says, "musician."

And then after they do this they go back down the line and the skeletons say what they need to do their job.

The first skeleton says, "mop and bucket."

The second one says, "car."

The third one says, "microscope."

The fourth one says, "gasoline and matches."

The fifth one says, "shovel"

The musician skeleton says, "trombone."

I like that it's not a satisfying punchline and if I was telling it out loud I'd make a part in the middle where they each say why they want the job they want.

joke #1

There's a pirate captain on his ship in the middle of the sea. Now, the thing about pirates is that a lot of people think they were criminals but what you need to understand is that the governments that controlled the oceans and trade and all of that, they were the real criminals. These people who ruled by arbitrary terms and conditions acted in ways that benefited only themselves--forsaking entire nations of people. People who could have advanced society by leaps and bounds if they weren't impoverished by the whims of the elite. So yeah, pirates are just people who see the strings that move the system.

Anyway, there's this pirate and he's living this miserable pirate life in the middle of the sea. Grimy sweaty crew of rejects and ogres and hooligans and galoots and scrimshaws and ramrods and nasty smelly dudes all drunk because water wasn't clean and crusty and farty and covered with sores from scurvy because they forgot why scurvy happened for a few hundred years. This captain is suffering terrible conditions but he really believes in what he's doing. People shouldn't be able to do whatever they want to whomever they want because they cling to this facade of power. If you have the courage and the ability to throw a wrench in that, to make it difficult for these people because you are another human being and your needs shouldn't be ignored, you should act. So that's what this guy is doing. He's looted. He's terrorized. He's made people with power feel unsafe because that's how you should feel when you're being evil. 

And his first mate comes to him, staggers to him because got all kinds of health problems and his teeth are falling out and he has spittle and blood on his mouth and he chokes out that there's a warboat off in the distance heading straight for them and there's no way they can get away. Their ship's too fast.

And in the captain thinks about this for a second and he just says, "get me my red shirt." And the first mate does that.

And then they have a terrific battle with the warboat. The pirates do the unexpected and they charge at the warboat and they hide the fact their weary and hungry and scared and they turn that into ferocity and fight like animals and throw skulls at the warboat because they're pirates and they have a collection of human heads in a barrel for just such an occasion. And they fight dirty and are all around unpleasant because, again, they aren't by into this notion of civility and puts down 99% of the population. And eventually, the pirates suffer some losses but they are victorious. And the warboat decides, this isn't worth, this is too gross and uncomfortable and they surrender.

So the pirates plunder the ship and celebrate and they get just enough to keep surviving and keep up their reputation and it's a good moment. And the first mate is drinking celebratory grog with the captain and asks him, "Captain, why did you have me bring you your red shirt?"

And the captain chuckles to himself and takes a big swig of grog and swallows it and says, "well, I know it was going to be a hellacious fight and if I were to get injured and start bleeding, I didn't want my crew to see the blood and worry about me. We're scurvy dogs and all we should know is fighting. That's the way we get through this."

Just then a crew member bursts into the captains quarters and says, "Captain! The entire navy was just spotted off the horizon. There's no way we can escape!"

The captain puts down his grog and looks at his first mate and says, "bring me my brown pants."

local kids make a bridge

warming up

there's two older girls at camp who are pretty shy and don't really talk to anyone other than each other. last week I tried engaging them in conversation and just tried to include them whenever possible. they aren't in love with camp or anything but I can tell I'm making progress because today one of the girls was teaching another girl (a younger camp) how to make me fall to the ground by striking the back of my knee. And then she tried like 4 times over the course of the rest of the day to make me fall down with sneak attacks.

so that's progress.

place

I like afterschool, not because it's the most fun but because I can wrap my head around what it is as a program. And I can see myself making that program better and taking more ownership of it and stuff. 

And then I liked old camp because it was super nourishing for the soul. like you got to spend all your time with amazing people and create a community that functioned better than anything I'd been a part of. 

new camp is a dope job. it's really cool. but I don't know if I've found a larger purpose in it yet. I like my coworkers a lot but we still all go home at the end of the day. And I've been given a lot of trust and freedom in my role but it's not really leadership. I don't need a larger idea to enjoy the job but it's just something that occurred to me. I'll keep thinking about it. 

prune prower

today i asked the kids to use leaves rocks and sticks to create a map of field camp in a field. 

i said the prize for the group that made the best map was a mystery fruit that i had purchased with my own money

the prize was prunes 

later at lunch a kid came up to me and said "andy, can I go eat all the prunes."

i said " no way dude the prunes are too powerful for your tiny frame."

he said "no they're not i eat 5 peaches a day."

and then later at the end of the day i asked him how many prunes he ate and he said 10.

grateful

I'm grateful for the very light rain we've been having. It's been pleasant. Being outside is excellent.

I did a full school year of afterschool

my first time doing one continuous year. and I'm coming back next year.

I'm really proud of it. I'm proud of the kids and I'm proud of the program. I think my big takeaway, the big lesson I learned was that the program worked best when it was student-centered.

Yesterday we were supposed to sit down and start planning for the next year. And what the official program is concerned with is coming up with THEMES for the kids. Like "Willy Wonka" or "The Rainforest" and we're supposed to dress up everything and then also teach the kids math somehow. I don't know. I'm not about it. It's a teacher-centered approach.

Because it assumes you have all these humans who are devoid of knowledge and interests and motivations and unless you dress everything up and put something in front of them, then they are just going to be empty vessels awaiting information and fun. That's silly. I'm casting it in the worst possible light but that's just silly.

I was talking to my coworker and we focused on things like "how can we make the lighting in this cafeteria less harsh?" and setting up the environment for success.

The kids already like things. They're full of ideas and motivation and interests. What they have a harder time with is structure and organization. So anyway, my guiding principle for the next year is listening to what the kids say and do and then framing it and organizing it in a way that is presentable and memorable.

Taking pictures, doing write ups in the word of the bird, making art out of their art, showing interest, adding extra facts/info/context, getting supplies to enhance it.

yeah!

today I met a 5 year old

and I tried to explain to him how Liono from ThunderCats used his sword to give him "sight beyond sight"

he was quite charming.

kickball

we've been playing a lot of kickball at afterschool and we have one girl who always plays and she holds her own in kicking and fielding. she's an awesome kid.

anyway, today a boy kicks a line drive straight to her on first base and she catches it. her team is going in to kick and another boy who is watching says "wow, I'm surprised she caught that."

And I decide to give him a hard time and tease him and say "watch your gender assumptions there, bud."

I didn't think anything else of it but like 5 minutes later he comes up to me and he's clearly thought about this issue and says, "well, I'm not racist because then why would I always say that my sister is better than me?"

This happens a lot actually. The kids at my school don't seem to distinguish racism and sexism. Or maybe they're afraid of saying sexism because the sex part.

I like that he was concerned about it though. Being called it. That was interesting.

free write

I think I'm spending too much time on instagram. Like a diet of cake and cookies. It don't feel good. So I'm gonna take a break from it.

Yesterday this little tiny 2nd grade girl with a squeaky voice was over by the swings and she got into an argument about something with a 4th grade boy and they're arguing and she looks at him and narrows her eyes and in a low, controlled, but still squeaky voice says,

"I will end you."

And the boy can't win at this point. He totally takes the bait and launches into this tirade about how he's going to throw the basketball at her head and give her a concussion and that's when I step in and calmly say "Yes, and if you do all that then you'll be out of the program and I would be very sad."

And he's still sputtering and trying to threaten and I say "She's a tiny 2nd grade girl, you're in 4th grade. Why are you threatening her?"

But man, wow. She really did destroy him in that moment. 

And then later I was talking to her and I said, "Who taught you how to be so funny?"

And she goes, "My mom. And my dad. My mom plus my dad equals me!"

too freakin cute

tonight i'm gonna make

the last word of the bird. 

these kids, man. I can't tell how much I'm projecting but sometimes I'm completely done with them as a group and then the next day they always turn around and have a great day without me even trying. 

they keep it interesting.

to thine own self be true

the other day

I was doing something I don't know what and for a second I really understood that education is useless. And that ee cumming idea of learning is forgetting and that you come into the world knowing everything you need to know. And that the stated goal of the education system as it was taught to me in teacher school is to create "human capital". It's all just kinda gross.

We cannot strongly state one fact without seeming to belie some other. I hold our actual knowledge very cheap. Hear the rats in the wall, see the lizard on the fence, the fungus under foot, the lichen on the log. What do I know sympathetically, morally, of either of these worlds of life? These creatures have kept their counsel beside him, and there is no record of any word or sign that has passed from one to the other.

from superorganism tiny desk concert: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K49QKVR0p0

my legs hurt. like lying down doing nothing and they just hurt. getting right up to the line of injured or improving.

Something I did Well and Something I could Improve (SDW/SCI)

Did Well: This takes some explaining but I've started doing a "Name the Song" challenge with the kids at the start of the afterschool day and normally I do it on Thursday but tomorrow the 4th graders have a field trip and will miss the start of afterschool so one of the 4th grade boys showed up early, as soon as school let out, to let me know this and asked, very politely, if I could move the contest up one day. The problem was that I had already promised another girl that I would do a "Fun Fact" contest on Wednesday (today). The kids submit fun facts about themselves that people and then they guess who the fact belongs to. And this girl had asked me every single day for the past 5 days about it and if you've ever tried to hold the attention of 30 to 40 elementary school children in a noisy cafeteria the moment school has just let out, then you know it's not an easy task. So there was no way I was going to try to run both of these contests on the same day because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold their attention for that long. Anyway, the 4th grade boy was really disappointed because he'd put in the effort to think ahead and be considerate and do the right thing and I had no choice but to shut him down in the nicest way I could.

So he got really mopey and upset and was pretty mean and standoffish to me and interrupted me a lot when I was addressing the group outside. BUT what I did well was afterwords I was able to talk to him and let him know that he had done everything right and I had to be a buzzkill about it. And he played like he was still upset at me and wouldn't accept what I was saying and so I just dug in further and started going "let me be nice to you!" in a joking/teasing kind of way. I don't know, it kinda sounds weird written out but I really like that I've gotten to the point with this kid where I can sort of tease him about this grumpiness and joke about me wanting to be nice to him and he'll more or less accept it. He actively disliked me at the beginning of the year. Like, he was not ambiguous about it at all and I just kinda had to take it for a while and show that I still really appreciated him, even when he was upset at me or the program or even upset at himself. Today made me feel good about the progress I've made with him.

Could Improve: My kicking was terrible today in kickball. Just atrocious. I don't think I even got on base. What I could actually improve is continuing to build a structure that feels genuine and the kids are invested in. Creating opportunities for things like recognitions and discussions and moments where the group is together but not stressed. That's a hard one. And sometimes things only work for a short period of time and then you have to come up with a new thing. Or they're too work intensive for me to really have ready every day. I don't know. It's about listening to the group and also being consistent and patient and maintaining expectations, even if things feel chill or low energy.

direction

Lately I feel like things have reached a good equilibrium at afterschool. Everyone is pretty settled in, at least from my perspective. Structurally and socially there aren't many challenges that I worry about. But also I want to think about how to grow the program and add to the kids' experience.

I think my goal moving forward is to trust the kids' interests and be responsive to what they bring. And also follow my own genuine interests and share what I'm excited about as well. Those two things usually work.

Things are good though. Things are really good.

afterschool

my friend maddie visited afterschool today! it was great. we took some cups of liquid that we'd put in the freezer over the weekend and watched them melt on the sidewalk. very scientific.

as I was walking out I sat on a bench by the front door and checked my phone and the principal of the school walked out of his office and talked to me for a little bit. He asked if I was in school still and I told him I'd graduated and was licensed to teach secondary english, he smiled when I said english. I told him I thought I wanted to do that until I started working with k-5 and realized how much better it was for me. He said I should look into teaching middle school.

I said I really enjoy afterschool and being able to move around and let the kids be kids and then he just kinda looked at me and I said, "but yeah, there is no money in it." and he laughed and agreed and I said, well I live with roommates and eat a lot of pasta and beans and rice and he laughed again and told me I have a good way with kids. so that was cool.