Enchanted woods

 I hath enchanted them

Big Bird's "All I Want For Christmas"

 In the timeless classic, Elmo Saves Christmas, Elmo wishes for it to be Christmas every day and traps Sesame Street and the world in an eternal cycle of Christmas. The best song in the movie is sung by the Easter Bunny played by Harvey Fierstein, Buy Your Friend an Easter Egg for Christmas, but the SECOND best song is sung by Big Bird, All I Want for Christmas.

It's not the Mariah Carey song. It's Big Bird's original song that he sings for his best pal Snuffy who went to visit his grammy in Cincinnati for Christmas. Snuffy was supposed to only be gone for one day but because Christmas never ends, Snuffy cannot return. When Big Bird sings the song it's Christmas on the 4th of July and Big Bird finally becomes desperate enough to call Snuffy on the phone. No one answers and Big Bird leaves a message in the form of a song.

A necktie is neat, and shoes are a treat,

But they can't make me smile when I'm blue...

Don't get me a picture book to color and trace,

Don't buy me a rocket ship that goes into space,

All I need's a buddy with a smile on his face,

All I want for Christmas is you!

What is Big Bird singing about? What is Big Bird really singing about? I think he's singing from a place of longing. On the surface the song is about how Big Bird is tired of Christmas and getting presents when he can't see his friend but really Big Bird is moved to song by his love for his friend that is magnified by that friend's absence. It's a beautiful song. It's not sung in a sad, feel-sorry-for-myself kind of way. Big Bird experiences this transcendental moment where he rejects materialism and he rejects the societal expectation that he be merry for Christmas and produces a triumphant expression of what Big Bird wants and needs. Big Bird is powerless to stop Christmas from happening again but on the edge of despair Big Bird affirms that his feelings and his friends matter more than anything else. That's incredible.

Ask yourself, be honest, if your favorite person was taken from you unexpectedly and you and everyone you knew were forced to carry out the ritual of Christmas every day and you could never return to your normal life, could your love for your friend and, most importantly, the love for yourself--because Big Bird is doing this for himself, he's not talking to Snuffy directly, he's forced to sing this into the void because it's a powerful message that must be voiced--could the chaos in your heart give birth to the dancing star that is All I Want for Christmas?

The thing I'm really trying to get at is that it's not that Big Bird likes Snuffy more than toys and it's not that Big Bird really misses Snuffy, what's really important is how Big Bird feels about what he feels. 

alright that's enough

monster territory

 After Sunday I will have stacked 19 weeks of running between 65 and 67 miles. BUT! On the week of November 20th, Thanksgiving week, a transformation happened. A terrific turkey transformation. I went from taking 8+ hours to running a weeks worth of miles to sub 8 hours. And I've held that through the end of the year and will hold it into the foreseeable future.

And this progression has got me thinking about monster territory levels of fitness. Right now I can run 7 min- 6:50 miles and it's an honest easy pace. That pace used to be pushing it. And now moderate is like 6:30 pace and if I hit a downhill section I can run sub-6 without going too too hard but really only one mile. But everything's still progressing. If I could get 6:30 pace to feel truly easy and start stringing together multiple sub-6 miles in a regular run without compromising workouts then that would be beastly fitness. Monstrous even. Abominable levels of cruising. Workouts are more important still. I don't want to compromise those just to be the guy who is hammering his easy days but the idea is lurking and if it were to happen, say, before the 10 miler in March, I'd be pretty siked.

We shall see.

reasons I would want people to come up and talk to me

these are the vibes I'm going to be putting out

#1- I remind you of the child you never had and you want me to inherit your vast estate

#2- you've heard of my juggling prowess and would like a demonstration (you are easily impressed by basic juggling)

#3- you like my yellow shirt

#4- you need someone to interpret the poems of DH Lawrence. I wrote a paper about this in college once and got an A and DH Lawrence has never shown up in my life again NOT EVEN ONE TIME!

#5- I look like a safe person

#6- You are going to clue me in on a big big fun fun secret

#7- You want someone to do a funny bit with 

#8- You are like, "you have a really unique aura." And I'm like "unique how?" And you say, "have you ever seen the polar express" And I say, "No only memes of it. Does that movie talk about auras?" And you say, "No I was trying to change the subject." And I go, "Oh okay well, sorry." And you have a sort of haunted far-off look and I say, "Am I gonna die soon?" And you say, "What makes you think that?" And I say, "my aura?" And you say, "No your aura looks like you would react the same way to being poked in the stomach as the pillsbury doughboy"

#9- friendship

#10- the DH Lawrence thing again because as I was writing this I remembered it more and more and I don't even think I've heard another human being say his name out loud and maybe it wasn't even real at all and I dreamed the whole thing

Highlights of Posts from This Year

 January

I wrote this goodnight speech:

And as you head off to sleep, remember that in all of you there exists something very special, a skeleton. An assemblage of bones that gives form and function to your body. And what is a bone but a kind of specialized rock that your cells learned how to create because it was awesome. Long ago cells learned the recipe for making rocks and the world has never looked the same since. And while you slumber you will appear to all the world a pile of rocks wrapped in a bag of skin and stuffed with sauce and meat. Not unlike a magical calzone. Which is italian for a pants leg. And magic calzone in italian calzone magico

February

I wrote a poem called big words:

look at my big words

ha ha ha

everyone smiles and claps

my big words march down the street like a parade

they crash into a bank and eat all the money

but I don't even say sorry

I would never apologize to a bank

Also I made up a holiday called Bamboozle Day that we never did at camp but I'll try to remember this year.

March

I made up a game called Dentist Simulator that sounds like a decent bit.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a poem called Are You in the Bathroom

are you in the bathroom

I bet you are

dancing the dance of kings and pharaohs

and the water is made of jewels

and the paper is made of silk

and the bowl is made of gold

and the writing on the bathroom stall wall

says you're the most famous reindeer of alllllllllll

 

good job christmas jon!

 break open a fresh minty pack of Jolly J's!

in 2024 we're taking big meaty swings

today I did 5xmile on the road and I told myself during the warm-up I was going to swing for dingers out there. Really put my whole foot in the workout up to the ankle and see what kind of juice I could squeeze out. You know, of the grape vat. Are you following? I'm talking about taking the ol hatchet and seeing how fat of an oak I can chop before the sun goes down and the wolves start prowling. I'm talking about ordering the item on the menu where if you finish the plate then it's free. A sink or swim situation. Otherwise known as going to the well.

Do you know why the call it going to the well? Used to be that children would get sent out to the well to gather water for the household and if they didn't bring back any water it was because of their impish nature and they were forced to sleep outside with the alpacas and beasts of burden. Right? So when you go all the way to the well you hope you find water and even if you do, you still gotta take it all the way back home. On top of the highest peak. Because that's where winners build their houses. And that's the best case scenario.

I got distracted. No the point was that I wanted to take a step up and really challenge myself to run a pace I hadn't in a while and I was nervous because subconsciously I've been playing it safe for the past few years because part of me is scared of the workouts I did six or seven years ago. But I'd like to start betting on myself again because I've got renewed confidence now. I've stacked a lot of consistent volume and most importantly I've been doing daily hip exercises to build sturdy, beef-ridden hip muscles and such so when I'm running I'm not leaking out all that kinetic energy with every step. If you've got wishy-washy weak hips then the leg won't hold steady and all that energy is for naught. It's getting converted into heat and entropy and you know what they say, "entropy don't win no trophies"

I'm out of my wandering in the desert phase. I'm in my, "let's go out and try to hit dingers again" phase. Or imagine if Michael Jordan was just kind of good at basketball and then he went and played baseball for some reason and was bad and then went back to being okay at basketball. Right? I'm out of the baseball phase and into the second basketball phase.

in 1994, Cake said

Excess ain't rebellion

You're drinkin' what they're selling

Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them

Your chaos won't convert them

They're so happy to rebuild it

You'll never really kill it, aw, yeah

And in 2013 Duncan Trussell said

"If you can forgive yourself then you will no longer see the reflection of your own internal judgement in the faces of the people around you. And if you can do that then suddenly you’ll be in a whole different universe because the universe we all exist in is the one where we’re all so terrified of the judgement of our peers."

To me forgiving yourself and living in the whole different universe that Duncan Trussell is talking about has a lot to do with things like warmth, vulnerability, understanding, introspection, trust, connection. 

Rock n' Roll Lifestyle is a really good song though. You should listen to that song and then you should write a heartfelt letter to someone and then you should look yourself in the mirror and say, I'd give you a little kiss on the forehead if I could but I can't cuz you're me.

leave a comment

The last comment I received was in November 2022 but I've had people tell me in real life that they still read this or have found it. Anyway if you're reading this and would like to leave any comment to keep the streak alive that would be nice.

you ever heard of bug club?

 the first rule of bug club is we talk about bug club!

here's a theory

 I used to love to hammer runs in college. I built up to a point where I could run pretty hard almost every day. Or maybe start off slow but then run really hard at the end. It was a point of pride and identity. I was like, yeah I can't run super fast but I don't break down and I can train hard nearly every day. I'm sure I'm distorting history a little bit but the reason I remember this is because the summer after I graduated from college I distinctly remember not being able to run hard anymore. It was like I had two speeds at that point. I could either run slow and easy or I could concentrate really hard and run fast but running fast stopped being a thing that just happened. 

At the time I thought, well I guess I just got older. Or maybe I'm overtrained and my legs just don't want to do that anymore. And then I kinda just left it at that and didn't really think about it anymore.

Here's my new theory for what I think happened. And I figured it out because I think I'm back at that point now. Today especially felt really good and effortless and fun. What I was doing in college was coasting off the leg and hip strength that I developed in high school. 

We did A LOT of core and strength work in high school. Lots of core exercises on the floor, lots of lunges and drills and squats and these things called "sammies" and I always thought it was so boring and a waste of time. All I wanted to do was run more. 

So then in college I stopped doing all of that stuff and ran a lot and got better but it turns out all that strength work I thought was so boring was a big part of the reason I enjoyed running. 

My new theory is that you can maintain a lot of hip and leg strength just from running for a long time because it targets enough relevant muscles but at some point if you don't do anything but run you just kind of run lose it and running becomes something very different. Like it gets to the point where your hamstrings and hip flexors and hip extensors and glutes and stuff just aren't able to help as much and it's like a car driving on flat tires. 

It was really exacerbated that summer in Williamsburg because it was hot and humid and I started working a full time job and all the people I'd been running with were away for the summer so it was hard to understand at the time what caused this change amidst a lot of big changes.

All of that is to say that the more I get older, the more I realize that getting older is often NOT the excuse for why things have changed. In this case it was something that I completely took for granted and it wasn't until I stopped doing it for a long time and stumbled back into it that I realized how important it actually was.

dang I felt good today. I was cruising. I was in my last mile on a flat road with a tailwind and I saw this guy running ahead of me and he looked like he was moving pretty well and I went into hunter mode and started trying to run him down and I couldn't quite catch him before the end of the road without sprinting but I closed the gap

here's a winning idea

 I think I need to improve my anaerobic capacity with running. My redline is weak. I've got a lot of strength but at some point you just need to go fast and make workout and race paces feel easier. I'll experiment with that for the next month or so.

things like 5x1k with a lot of rest and feeling a little lactic by the third one. or 6x800. or 3x1 mile. Reminding my body what it means to run hard hard.

here's a winning idea

 take all the shopping carts and throw them out in the streets. make the roads undriveable. no one likes them. no one likes what it's done to the planet and the way we live our lives. ruin them with shopping carts.

I personally have nothing against shopping carts. Once we've made walkable communities that serve people we can go back to having shopping carts. but until then, the price must be paid.

obsessed with the album Down to Earth by Flight Facilities

 it's got Crave You which is a song I could put on repeat for an hour but I've recently discovered ALL the songs are great!

also somebody tell me that Two Bodies sounds a lot like Deja Vu. well, just one part. but still!

things I would do for various amounts of cash

 $1- for one dollar I would call you on a day of your choosing and ask how is it going for real? and use active listening skills for 5 to 30 minutes depending on how interesting the conversation is

$5- for five dollars I would give you a ride within a 15 minute radius even if it's slightly inconvenient for me

$10- I would give you a small to medium piece of enchanted wood

$20- for twenty dollars I would clean your kitchen especially if the drain is clogged with wet food matter and you need someone to reach their hand in and pull it out because that is my superpower for real

$50- for fifty dollars I will dress up in a spooky disguise and deliver a haunting to one person or a small group of people BUT ONLY for the purpose of correcting their wicked ways

$100-for one hundred dollars you can choose the clothes I wear for an entire week but not to work and you can't make me go anywhere I don't want to. this one is kind of lame. For one hundred dollars you can also have a large piece of enchanted wood

$200- you can't give me two hundred dollars. that's obscene. no one should give anyone that much money. that's bribery. that's a crime. you can't just give someone two hundred dollars without telling the IRS about it. no. it's too much power. there's very little I wouldn't do. I must refuse on principle.

for $199 I will stage a mock funeral for you and you can watch from a secret enclosure and listen to all the beautiful things everyone says about you AND I will plant three juicy revelations in the crowd that will make everyone realize that there was a lot more to you than they thought

I think you have to give yourself really simple instructions over and over again

that's the only way you're ever going to listen

not quite wisdom

if you don't make the first move, you'll never make the third move: total acceptance of the universe and your place in it

man is a worm buried in fruit- eating his home and making it larger in the process.

the weight of a thousand ponders cannot shift the path of stars

yell for help. but don't yell for any other reason. designate yelling only for seeking help to avoid ambiguity.

words are like sand. one cannot harm you but a fistful thrown forcefully can create enough time for an escape

it is better to laugh at misfortune than miss a forest for the laugh trees

don't yuck a yum, yum yum yum eat it up big belly full

sadness is just gladness without the radness

think with your neck, the bicep of the head

create the world that created you. then within that world create a mini-version of yourself to run simulations to help make big decisions.

what's the best way to help someone? be like a pond to a duck. full of fish and frogs.

nice to meet you I am style

 

my sweater big my purse on tiny

woke up to a jackhammer jackhammering

 It was like 8am and they were ripping up the parking lot in front of my apartment because there's a big leak somewhere and we got an email about it earlier.

and the jackhammer was like BRABRABRABRABRABRABRA!

And I was like, "nooooo, I wanna sleeeeeeep"

And then somehow, half asleep, my reaction was to coax myself into this state of perfect acceptance and willingness for the world to be as it is and I had this dream where I went with a friend to a bank or something and we started talking to the employees and had this crazy natural rapport and there was immediate chemistry and I don't really understand what exactly was happening but I remember thinking in the dream, I should totally make a move, I should make a move

And then I woke up and the jackhammering was done and it was 11:11.

Oh and as I was going to sleep the night before I was thinking about Brandi Carlile's song Dreams and what a good song it is.

So, thanks to me for giving myself a nice dream to take my mind off the terrible noise

here's a bit I tried

you go up to a group of people talking and you pick one person and say, "Isn't it crazy how when X isn't here we just sit around and say, "where's X? I wonder what X is doing." And then if it goes anywhere you talk about how X is the main character. 

I tried another bit today stolen from a picture I saw where I acted like I finally figured out that Tuesday always comes after Monday and it just keeps repeating like that the whole time, every week.

Here's a third bit. I'm gonna come up with a good one.

When someone is telling you something, you just restate what they said back to them so they know they've been heard. That's a killer bit and demonstrates good listening skills.

Oh I did an actual bit today where this kid wanted rental shoes, I coach him and he always gets a rental shoes, and I grabbed a scrap of paper and made a quick "Rental Shoe Request Form" and made up all these things he had to answer before he could get his shoes. 

That's a good bit. There you go. I knew I'd get it.

the lady at the post office said I had a nice haircut :)

 thanks nice lady :)

my old nemesis: the wind

 Oh how I hate the wind. Air. Normally one of my closest allies, turned into a screaming wall of force that rips the breath from my lungs and brings tears to my eyes. It makes my blood boil to see one of my friends turned against me. After running in the wind my face burns and my ears ring and my body feels tense all over. If I were to move to a place where it was windy all the time I would quickly disintegrate into a pile of dust and bones. I would go mad too. First madness, then dust and bones. Why do I hate the wind so much? Well, in addition to the reasons I've outlined I'll also say that when you're running into the wind it's like a nasty little gremlin or ghoul is pushing you back. And also it makes me have to spit a lot. 

A horrible sight! A crying angry man thrashing his limbs down the sidewalk, cursing the heaves and spitting from side to side. Frothing at the mouth even! Terrible. 

And then I try one of my little tricks. I smile and think to myself, "thanks, the wind. I love you so much. I'm having so much fun." But it's all a clever ploy. One day I'll lure the wind into a false sense of security and then banish it forever. That is my solemn vow and oath. The end.

goals for 2024 are be strong, be fast, and grow a butt

every day working towards those is a day well lived :P

ran well at keene

 Did a great 14 mile long run today. Felt really controlled for the first 7 mile loop and was running nearly 6 minute pace and then went harder for the second 7 miles and averaged somewhere in the high 5:40s. Happy with my attitude going into it and during the run. My endurance is great and I should probably work on running at faster paces. I felt like I could have kept going but trying to go faster than 5:45 felt overly difficult.

This week I averaged under 7 minute mile pace for 66 miles. Every run except one was under 7 minute pace so that's pretty exciting. I hope to keep that up and continue to become even more comfortable under 7 minute pace!

#8 all time for 2 keene loops! nice! most people in front of me are/were professional runners!

regular update

 Been posting a lot of strange things lately so I figured I'd do a more normal update about how things are going.

In short, really good!

Running continues to be really fun and there's very much this virtuous cycle where I'll do some lifting/strength/activation work and then have a great run so I'll do even more strength stuff and have an even better run and it's got me really psyched on running and working out. Near an all time high I'd say.

Climbing is going well. I'd say it's a little on the backburner but I'm definitely enjoying it.

Creatively I'm not doing as much but I'm really having fun getting stronger and I'm okay with that.

Here's the other thing I'll say: for the past at least 5 or 6 years I've had this feeling of like: man, remember in college when I could just go somewhere at any time and run into people that I knew and have a nice time? And I didn't have to schedule anything about it or spend money or make a bunch of plans. Why can't I have that again?

And I thought I never would and I'd just be at home alone and sad and making weird drawings and stuff. I do love making weird drawings but even more better is that I feel like I've reached a point at the gym where I can just go and hang out with the people there and I've realized my dream and I'm so happy about it that if I think about it too much I might cry so I'm just going to drink my smoothie and watch more youtube videos but dang it's smooth rolling right now.

counselor flow

I'm moving different.

I'm moving crazy.

I'm moving like 2020 covid camp. I stay out of arm's reach and reveal my mouth to no one.

I'm sneaking popsicles out of the guard shack every 15 minutes like clockwork. Excuse me I've got an engulfing appointment.

For reading time I switch into a flow state and relay the latest goings-ons of the spirit realm.

I end the game like deus ex machina.

I don't learn names I just point and yell like a point and yell adventure game.

I've weighed the sins in my heart against a goose feather and lived to tell the tale.

This job ain't nothing to me, man.

I won Maupin's so many times they made me a rewards card member.

I won Maupin's so many times I started buying items in bulk.

I found a rock that looks like Vincent Price.

I found a rock that looks like winrar.exe

I found a rock that looks like Yog-Sothoth, the Lurker at the Threshold.

I found a rock that looks like USB dongle.

Last camper that tried getting out of their seat during lunch time got reintroduced to their own identity. I started them back at square numero uno. I took away their object permanence just so I could hand it back with a note on it that said, "next time you might not be so lucky"

I've been on twelve airplane hikes. 

I put the rip in rip-rap and the rap in rip-rap. I put the rip-rap in rip-rap.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn.

Last year I won so many games of Elijahball I had to beg myself for forgiveness.

I'm on emotional probation.

I've counted the stars above the Camp Albemarle field and found them to be lacking.

I found a rock that looks like a skinwalker.

I own a second telephone with Princess Extinguish's number in it.

I am a collector of souls.

The campers offered a sacrifice during capture the flag and I demanded twelve Oxen of the Sun be burned in a bathtub full of SPF 87 sunscreen.

Put gold coins on my eyes because I'm trying to get called first for seconds.

I left the Marshmallow Fairy on read but then added her to my close friends story.

I got a letter just this morning it was post-marked Omaha.

I don't pay no unions dues. If I had a dollar for every time I paid union dues I'd be broke because I don't pay no union dues.

camp flow

I know every movie game initial there is. YCSM. you can't stop me!

I'm like a super massive black hole in the center of the gaga pit galaxy. The peasants collapse into me.

The counselors mistook the rest of the circle for my equals. They're the supporting cast of a one man show. Me! starring Me!

One swing turned the tetherball into a towering inferno. They're still picking the remains of charred crocs out of IG-13.

I can tell when the counselors are lying. The rhythm of their heartbeat is a dead giveaway to my keen auditory perception.

Hit a gainer off the diving board and recited the entire encyclopedia britannica. How's that for a category, guy?

When they say it's Pirates Day I act nonchalant and swash a buckle meaner than any of these two-bit rubes.

Smuggled five hot dogs into the cabin. Cabin Fun Time? More like glizzy-gobblin o'clock.

My friendship bracelet so long it looks like Lenny Kravitz's scarf.

I brought a mini-tupperware full of almonds for snack.

I brought a mini-tupperware full of altoids for snack. My breath smells like an arctic wind.

I don't listen to the rules because my very nature is infallible.

They told me to sit down to use the bathroom but I can levitate so I disregarded the suggestion.

Your lunch to me looks like a belated birthday gift.

Your lunch to me looks like a pauper's delight.

Your lunch to me looks like a pale afterthought.

When camp ends the crows descend upon the field. They know when their master has beckoned.

The pool visibility is a hundred yards to me because I've got eyes like castor canadensis.

I rode the bus in but got picked up from camp because I like to keep the bologna squad on their toes.

If I lick your elbow you become my sibling. I don't make the rules I just lick elbows.

If I tell you good job, it's because you looked like you were about to cry. If I tell you bad job I think you're strong enough to handle the truth.

The sing-along was a 30 minute requiem to those who have fallen before me.

Those I tag in capture the flag bypass jail and astral project into the abyssal zone for three moon cycles.

Todd said he needed the pool drained so I did one can-opener and then had my attorney general mail him an invoice.

Todd said he needed the newcomb court re-sanded so I spent the evening scratching quartz against my chin. My jaw bone makes diamond look like terry cloth.

Only two things know the full extent of my wrath. Invasive species and some poor kid named Banjo Wetselplex

It's not a summer camp to me, I live here. Catch me buried in the creek mud with the toads and crawfish. We play poker on Sundays and smoke ol' stoagies.

We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or whatever it is, maybe heaven after you're dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to dance while the music was being played.- Alan Watts

different categories of people: includes 100% of human population

First up are your masters of evil. These people dress in black and purple and have prominent skull motifs. They are often plotting and growing their forces ever stronger. Statistically they will not be stopped and you will do well to align yourself with them and vie for a choice position amongst their ranks.

Soup Preparer: They are medium at most things. What is life if not a bunch of wet lumps in a warm puddle. The soup preparers do a lot of thankless tasks because they are driven by the love of the game but their lack of will to dominate others prevent them from ever becoming a master of evil.

Jolly Ol' Souls: These people are wise beyond their years and they have hobbies where you're like, what the heck? that's not a traditional pasttime? They also dabble in antique sounding phrases. Like swell and goodness gracious

Southern Belles: These are sophisticated women, usually in the Georgia/South Carolina region who enjoy minty juleps on the veranda.

Ok there you go. That's the four types. And then everyone is either one or some combination of them. I'd say I'm mostly a soup preparer and then like a small mix of the other 3 depending on what the situation calls for. Go up to someone in a public square and ask them which one they are.

some favorite moments from this weekend

 field camp winter camp albemarle retreat

"I'm the Lebron James of whatever this is."

"the conjoined"

Fran completely covered in water

"that's a lay-up!"

the peanut butter jelly date

creep cover + onion

the innovation!

-------------------------

Mostly I'm just super grateful to have camp as my found family and that we can come together and have the most fun ever. truly incredible

I cannot say enough about how much more I enjoy running now

 IT'S ALL IN THE HIPS!

THIS IS WHY I MADE THIS MY WHOLE PERSONALITY FOR LIKE 14 YEARS!

WHY WAS I LYING TO MYSELF FOR SO LONG?!

YOU MEAN RUNNING CAN ACTUALLY FEEL EFFORTLESS AND GOOD AND IT'S FUN TO GO FAST?! WHAT?!

YOU MEAN I'M ACTUALLY GOOD AT IT AGAIN?!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

I am going to make my posterior chain so powerful until I ascend into some sort of space shroud.