End of the Year Gratitude

Above all I'm thankful for my family. I really would have struggled this year without my parents. It was good to get to spend a lot of time with them and live with them for the Spring. I'm thankful for my sister for being great to talk to and being a smart and caring person..

I'm thankful for camp. For giving me excellent experiences and a reprieve from isolation and something to look forward to. 

I'm thankful for my friends. For helping me grow as a person and making days better. 

I think I can honestly say I'm doing better at this moment right now than I was a year ago. so that's 200 posts for the year!!

I want to make climbing walls

That's my goal for 2021. I think it integrates a lot of my passions. Climbing. Whittling. And camp. It'd be a great thing to have at camp. This is the professional/artistic project I will commit myself to this coming year. But we'll see.

198

Every time I sit down to write I want to say how thankful I am for the people in my life and express gratitude. It needs to be repeated. The trick is figuring out how to say it in a different way. Or how to have fun with it. 

My dad told me about a 2001 Honda Civic parked in front of an international grocery store with only 140k miles on it and for only $1500. I guess I don't really want a project car though. I just want a dependable car that I can drive for awhile.

My friend Peyton told me he kept waking up every two hours because his new baby was just mumbling the whole night. And I like to imagine the baby was saying

So this is what being alive is like? Is it just this the whole time? How long have you guys been alive? Why is it dark now? Why is it dark now and when I close my eyes it's dark but sometimes it's light when my eyes are open but then it's never light when my eyes are closed? Explain that. Moving around? Rated? Overrated? Underrated? Am I the whole universe? What separates me from anything else? Hungry? Sleepy? It feels like my memories of everything that's ever happened to me are always informing my perception of the present. Is that normal?

The Secret is Whittling

 Just whittle all day. That's the secret to happiness. I've spent the past two days whittling and I feel great. I've made a bird. I've made a handle for a climbing wall. And I made another type of hold called a jug. 

But yeah. Whittling takes forever to make anything and it eats up a lot of time but it's really engaging and "flow-state"-y. So that's great. I'm just gonna keep this going and make more holds. Or maybe more birds. Or both. I will say that it takes me 3 days to make one bird and I've made two holds in one day. So maybe I'll stick with holds because the feeling of completion is addicting. Good stuff.

jack white snl

https://youtu.be/Ai9b2IO5Ncs

I'm Gonna Be 30 in 2021

30. It doesn't mean that much to me. I think mostly I'll just play up being old and go on being youthful. 

I think my life has largely been defined by the people who have supported me and made options available to me. I've been given a lot of support. I feel independent a lot and I feel that my choices and efforts have made me into the person I am but those efforts wouldn't mean much without other people creating that space. And so I hope to create those spaces for others and be open to the support around me.

The View from Maw Maw's

I really like this landscape. I like how it's all parallel horiztonal lines. That's my favorite way to draw backgrounds. I think it's a really simple interesting effect.

Boxing Day 20 Miler

It was really encouraging how good I felt. I did 97 minutes a week before and was pretty exhausted. Today I kept going for 40 more minutes and never felt awful. I've stacked a lot of really good work for a pretty long time now. Going into the new year I feel confident to run hard and take risks. We'll see. I've got good training partners!

watching home movies

I've never sat down and watched the videos of me as a baby and little kid. They were always too embarrassing. It made this Christmas special though. When we couldn't have the whole family together to be able to watch first Christmases and birthdays for the first time.

At the end of this year I feel less concerned with wanting more and more appreciative of what I have. 

When You Think About

How many versions of other people live inside you, like everyone you know. You have so many representations of other people that you've created from knowing them. And everyone you know has some representation of you that they've created. 

It starts to get tricky to make an argument for your individual identity as a thing that is located in you.

Christmas in Covid. Goals for 2021

Normally being home would mark a time of not working. But I haven't worked with kids since September. And I haven't worked a day at afterschool since Friday, March 13th.

I need to hydrate.

What are my goals for 2021?

-Run a PR. Preferably multiple PR's.

-climb a V6 at Rocky Top

- work from the summer until the winter and beyond!

- finish the camp book

- keep pursuing artistic interests. more woodworking??

I learned a lot in 2020. About myself and about other people and about the world. There's a lot I still don't know but one thing I know is that there is someone out there for me and I need to be patient and be open to possibilities and focus on being the person I want to be. 

Runs for the Rest of the Year

12/22- 2 x 3 mile tempo.  17:51, 80s rest. 17:24. good effort. 

12/23- Moderate. Strength + Mechanics + Speed

24- Easy

25- Christmas 20 Miler. Classic.

26- Recovery Day

27- Moderate Day

28- Strength, Mechanics

29- Easy Sharpening 5k Workout. Progressive 400s?

30- Easy Run

31- off

1st- New Years 5k

life trajectory

I was doing dishes just now and thinking about this little drawing I made in either 2015 or 2016, some time when I wasn't working very much and it said, "this may be the free-est I'll ever be"

Well, that turned out to not be true. I can also remember there was an unhappiness that went along with it. The happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been is at CHT. Also at Field. But CHT was really special because it was truly all the time. It was virtually no freedom. Every minute of my day was accounted for. But that's not sustainable. 

I imagine a lot of people my age have questioned the value of stability and striving for a stable life. It's like every 5-10 years we have this great upheaval event. And climate change is looming and we're racing towards it.

I'm not saying I have no thought towards the future or that it will be a complete disaster but I do think everyone's path will be different and everyone has to make their own way and things that seem like a safe bet or a certainty aren't necessarily so. Which is to say, I try not to get too bent out of shape about this weird inbetween period I've found myself in, much by my own choosing.

What was I going to talk about?

While I was doing dishes I had the thought of my life being on a trajectory towards being more free. And a big part of that is discovering what freedom actually is, what it actually feels like. I think it is a very hard thing to know. Choices that seem freeing can feel very restrictive. And vice-versa. 

who knows man. who knows.

I collect chaotic youtube thumbnails

Running Right Now

Areas I'm addressing

massage- I have really big knots in my calves, lower legs, quads, hamstrings, glutes. I'm really trying to do a good job with massage and rolling and releasing all those muscles. This is something I've neglected for years and probably a big part of why I felt bad a lot of days. 

flexibility- I've been working on this for months and I think I've made a lot of improvements. My hips and calves have become a lot less tight. I really did not have good range of motion. 

core/strength- I started lifting this year and have recently started doing core and I'm notice improvements. I was weak. 

drills- I don't think I was doing the best job of applying force when I strike the ground. I think I was focused on lifting my knees. This is something I'm still refining but I also see improvements. 

When I spend a day focusing on all of these in addition to an actual run it ends up taking like 3 hours. But I think it's good and productive that I'm rebuilding myself and when I get back to doing hard workouts and races I'll have this frame that's stronger and more resilient. That's the idea anyway...

February 2020

I went to Costa Rica!!! This is really the only important thing that happened in this month. 

Work was hard. Running was going okay. It was all pretty similar to January. I think I went on a date in early February and then she stopped talking to me right before I left for Costa Rica.

Yeah, this is an easy month because that was the big thing. 

January 2020

What was I doing in January?

I started this decade and year and month waking up in a bed with my childhood friend Chad. 

I remember running track workouts at night at UVa after long days working. I was teaching art and doing afterschool. I got my passport either in late December or early January. 

My home situation was kind of devolving because my roommates were having a lot of struggles in their lives and I was trying to distance myself as much as possible. My own roommate had a relationship go sour around this time and I think it might have been in January that his then girlfriend had a breakdown in the middle of the night and he kicked her out of the house. it was weird. 

I spent most of my time working or running or climbing. I had just got my first pair of climbing shoes and chalk for Christmas and I think around then I started climbing more than once a week. 

I wouldn't say it was a great month. I forget what kind of art I was making around that time. Oh I just checked my pictures and I was making some trippy swirly art comic pieces and putting them on craigslist.

I ran my only official race of the year in January. An 8k in North Carolina with Peyton where I ran pretty well. 26:15 I think. I was pretty happy with that result. Little did I know what was about to unfold. 

what do you learn from running in freezing rain?

1) once all your clothes are soaked through, the only way to get warmer is to run harder

2) avoid running in freezing rain

12/14

Just write. Just write something for 10 minutes. Write anything. 

This farmer pours a bucket of water on a short sunflower and the sunflower grows really tall and zaps him with a laser.

A person dumps a cold can of soup into a bowl and heats it up with a blow dryer until it turns into hair.

A rock tumbles down a mountain and crushes a bench next to a giant baseball glove with a sign next to it that says "LAND HERE!"

A fish does a back flip out of the water. Another fish attempts to flip but is caught by a spider and forced to sit at a tea party.

A robber stealing a bag of cash is running away. He ducks into an alley and looks into the bag. He sees a small version of himself holding the same bag looking up at himself. 

I was sad and then I ate a sandwich

and realized that I wasn't a sad washed-up pathetic human being, I just needed a sandwich. 

and now I feel much better.

Dating and Relationships

 I've been on a good amount of dates this year and met some people and learned about people and learned about myself. 

I think until very recently I didn't think of myself as someone who would want to go on dates just for the sake of going on dates and getting to know someone. My mindset was to be attracted to someone, get to know them, be more attracted to them, be in a relationship with them. Dates were strictly a means to an end and the whole point of being interested in someone was to start a relationship. I don't think I pursued this like really aggressively or anything but I always felt that I'm someone who gets really attached really easily and so to head in that direction but then just leaving things at a date felt kind of uncomfortable. Why would I just want to date someone if it was going to cause me to have all these feelings that I would just have to let go?

Well, anyway, flash forward to now and I'm totally over that hang up, haha. I think a couple things have happened. Meeting people seems less stressful and less of an "event". I realized that I like my life the way I have it set up and I don't really want to rush into sharing that with anyone unless it's really going to be a good fit. 

I remember at the start of this year, at a new years party, it hit midnight and I was at this house party and all the couples were all coupled up and me and all the single people were kinda in the living room and all the single people were looking kinda sad and mopey. And I felt sorta sad and mopey. And I decided I would make an effort to get on an app and meet people and date. If you had asked me then what I would have hoped to have by now it would have been a girlfriend. And I don't have a girlfriend right now. Sometimes that was from the choices I made and sometimes that was a choice the other person made. But I will say I feel good about my ability to meet people and go on dates. I seem to be likeable enough to people I like that I feel good about myself. And I guess more important than having anything is feeling good about yourself.

I've Lived in Charlottesville for 5 years now

 I guess it was 5 years about two weeks ago but I didn't think about the occasion. Usually I think about it when I'm at working at afterschool because that was the thing I did on the first day I moved to Charlottesville. I remember I posted some nice pictures of snow last year and talked about how I'd improved in a lot of ways. I think that's still true. No snow so far this year. I guess we got a little bit one morning this week but it didn't really stick.

I've probably said this before but I think the things I like to do aren't generally seen as important or a big part of, I guess, in general, what we consider to be "going on" in the world. What I'm saying is in reflecting on this year, when everything got "disrupted" it felt like it just gave me more time to do what I want to do. I kinda felt like all that work I was doing and those two jobs I had were disrupting my life.

That's not entirely true. I really like afterschool and I can tell that I miss the kids a lot. It makes me sad. 

What am I saying? Something I've told myself a lot during these past few months is to make the most of the opportunities I have right now. I might not get them again. I have this feeling though that I won't be satisfied with what I get out of this time. It's not like I can just run my best race or climb really well and make a good drawing during these COVID times that will satisfy me for the rest of my life. I'll always want more and I'll always want to find ways to improve. But maybe this is a time where I can make more progress than I otherwise would have. I think that's definitely been true. 

a nest

what kind of bird makes this nest?

the workout went well

It was harder than I thought and I was a few seconds slower than where I wanted to be but I ran hard and stayed tough and I can get fitter and better at that workout in a short time. 

I'm still sleeping on the floor. It's getting more comfortable and I feel really good in the morning. It feels good to stand up and my muscles feel better somehow. When I get out of my bed I usually just want to get back in bed and it takes a while to get going. 

floor with a fire

I am 29. I'm sleeping on the living room rug next to a fire I made myself. It's 11:43 PM. I will wake up and go run. The fire is warm. The house is empty except for me. I am happy. I look at the fire and close my eyes and I am happy. My back and hips feel good on this floor. I am comfortable. 

Recovery

I tried sleeping on the living room floor last night because I've been curious about it for a while and my roommates aren't around. 

I definitely woke up out of discomfort a couple times but in the morning my body felt a little better. Particularly my back. Legs are still sore. 

Had a good run today and really tried to focus and treat things with importance. Hamstrings and quads are sore.

I went to Goodwill with Julie and that was fun. Her, Erin and I have had a really good rapport lately. I also sent the weekly comics to Todd. I've made good progress on the book. 

Tomorrow I'm going to climb and hopefully feel a little fresher on my run. I'll do a moderate run with some easier faster stuff mixed in.

Long Run

 Woke up at 7 to run with Peyton this morning at Keene. We did 10 miles. I thought I would go to 100 minutes or 14 miles but I looked at my watch and saw 50 minutes and thought, "there's no way I'm doing another 50."

I still got in 72 minutes and I'm thinking I should be able to go out for another easy half hour this afternoon. That will probably have to be pretty soon actually.

I was really sore this morning. Probably somewhat from lack of sleep and mostly from weight training. But that's a good feeling. The thing I need to be careful with is injury. Whenever I take a really granular approach to running I always get really focused and push myself hard and then greatly increase the chance of injury. I have to be careful and smart.

Peyton suggested he could help pace me for a 1600 time trial in a couple weeks after I told him about my good mile pace workout last Monday. That would be a really good opportunity. I think this Wednesday I'll do a sub-5 1600, take 5 minutes rest, and then do 6x400 with 200m rest and try to run 69 or faster for each one. That should be really doable after running those paces pretty comfortably. I did that in June of 2015 the year I ran my current mile PR. If I can do that workout it would give me a lot of confidence to go for a fast mile the following week. It will probably also be weather dependent. Looks like perfect running weather so far. Highs in the 50s every day and no rain. 

There are no excuses to be mediocre right now. I have all the time I need to train and recover. This is my opportunity to get to a new level. 

Right now I should roll out and stretch and get ready for a short easy run.

Training

 I woke up today and really wanted to run some fast 200s. I thought if I could do 3x200m all in 28 seconds, and maybe even one under 28 seconds, that would be really good. Well I ran 28.3, 28.9, 28.8. 

It was pretty good. Immediately after finishing I wanted to be able to run a 27. I think I can get there. I've been doing some core and weight training and the focus on mobility and stretching is really starting to show. Today it was about mid-50s and a bit windy so I had a tailwind but I think on a good warm day I could really rip one. And it's going to take a while before those extra things really start to pay off but I have the time and motivation to do them well. 

I also had a good climbing session in the evening. I sent two problems that I started last time and made some progress on some others.  

Tomorrow I will do a long run. Probably 15 miles. I did good work today. I got a little bit better.

reminder

I WANT TO BE REALLY GOOD AT RUNNING AND CLIMBING!

French Language Cartoons

 I started this series where I use google translate to write comics in French. I imagine they could go in French language textbooks. They deliberately don't make any sense. And, nothing in language textbooks ever really mad any sense to me anyway. That's the beauty of learning a language. It strips a language of any communicative intention. Like, I'm not trying to say anything to you. I'm just speaking the language in a way you can understand. So, I think it's ripe for absurdism.

Anyway, I tagged a bunch of educational social media accounts in my IG story and sparknotes replied to the story with the heart-eyes emoji. Which is hilarious. So maybe I'll keep doing that. Or if I make enough of them I'll assemble them into my own Learn French with Google Translate zine.