The Teenage

I've made out with people before.

Here's something I'm kinda proud of:

The first night of my first summer after my first year of college I met up with three of my friends from high school at an IHOP.

After we ate, two of the guys said, "Hey, we're gonna go over to JMU and smoke some cheap weed in the woods. You in?" (I was never really friends with these guys in high school)

My other friend and I declined. (We're runners! tee-hee! No smoking for us!)

After those two chuckleheads left, my friend starts telling me about this weekend he spent at an all-girl's college after his semester ended but before he came home. Based on his account, he generously "slept around".  He stuck his bear-claw in a fair-share of honey-pots. He...put his...karate chop action...in a...dozen...dream-cars.

And as luck would have it, he became infatuated with a young damsel (I think she was the second or third one he made acquaintance with that weekend).  And on this night, this girl was staying with another girl who went to the same college and had been friends with my guy-friend since Middle School or something crazy.

The two girls were about a 45 minute drive away on the interstate and my friend did not have car access after midnight so it was put to me if I could make the drive to help new love blossom.

But the deal was sweetened when my friend added, "And you can make out with my friend if you want. I told her you were clean." He showed me her profile picture on his phone, it was a black-and-white photo of her smiling and holding a solo-cup. I remember thinking she looked vaguely asian (she wasn't).

Well, I didn't put too much thought into the last part of my friend's statement and decided to take my chances. So, at around 11 PM, my friend and I set sail like two hormone-riddled sailors looking for a port to dock. Preferably two ports. Two, single, heterosexual ports with little to no diabetes or Ebola.

I was a little anxious about the whole thing but right before we got there, Beck's Where It's At came on the radio and I knew it was a sign! It was where it was at!

We parked in the parking lot of a peach orchard that was just outside the girl's house. The girls came out to meet us and we awkwardly stood around and kicked gravels for a bit. The girl's face (not the one my friend was trying to get with) was in shadow so I was still working under the impression that she might be kind-of asian.

Eventually, after lots of awkward small-talk, shuffling around, and half-heartedly running through the orchard, we separated into pairs and the girl and I went to the back seat of my car. (which is the comfiest back seat you've ever sat in. Bet on it!)

I remember being really self-conscious and saying whatever cropped into my brain. She was laughing at it though so I kept talking. I told her how weird it was that I had no idea who she was and she had no idea who I was and that we'd probably never see each other again and that my favorite poem is Howl and that I hadn't even seen her face in the light so for all I know she could be hideous but that her face at least has an attractive profile. Whatever that means.

She was a nice person. She was not hideous and not asian. She was pretty unflappable and I was enjoying the prattling so much that I didn't want to make out with her. Cuz that would interrupt the prattle-fest! I lived in the same town all my life so seeing people my age who I had not seen go through puberty was still a bit of a novelty.

But then there was an awkward silence and instead of saying something she started drawing on the fogged-up window and made it clear that I was going to have to make the first move.

I hate making the first move! Do you remember playing basketball in gym class and at some point the ball would get passed to a kid who would catch it and you could see in his eyes that his parents had never pushed team sports on him at a young age and that the world had started playing in fast-forward. He became paralyzed while everyone yelled at him to pass the ball or shoot or dribble or do SOMETHING instead of darting his eyes around in all directions. That's me trying to make the first move.

But then I made the first move (standard kiss, I think I did most of the leaning in) and after that relief wore off I pulled away and said something about my hair, like, what she thought of it. Then I told her I was kind of obsessed with myself.

She approved of my hair but told me I shouldn't let it get longer and was okay with my being obsessed with myself but that it's not the best quality for a person to have.

We alternated between sloppy teen making-out and neurotic conversation for a few hours. We came up with nicknames for each other. Her breath tasted kinda funky. But girls can get away with funky breath in my book. Because in the back of mind I always think it's my funky breath. Or maybe she had gum? Did I have gum? The point is--she was wearing one of those sweaters where the neck hole is so big that you can see a bra-strap and I told her that those are the best sweaters ever invented.

It was getting late so we went to check on my friend's progress.

He had done nothing with the girl except dull conversation. They were exactly as we had left them.

So my friend and I left. It was around four or five in the morning. By the time we got back home the sun was coming up.

Laying in bed, I thought, "I've done it! One night! One contained night. I never have to see her again. No regrets. No hang-ups. It's a perfect discrete moment in time. Beautiful!"

Then about a week later I felt mopey and desperate and broke down and I asked my friend for her number and texted her about hanging out again sometime.

What I thought had happened was that I'd gone out into the great big ocean and caught a big fish and just set it free. I didn't try to hang on to it or prepare it or give it a chance to fester. Catch and release. Being an adult. Yes I am. In control.

But then about a week later I started thrashing around in the waves yelling, "Hey! Hey! That one Fish! Remember me?! The guy with the hair and the green cargo-shorts?! I thought we had a really nice time! Would you like to get together sometime and drink some Cheerwine!?"

I actually told her that too, the Cheerwine part. I have no idea why. I don't particularly like Cheerwine but I had had pretty good luck with saying whatever fell out of my head so far. I think I'd just heard a Cheerwine commercial on the radio and figured if they were making Commercials about it, it had to be good.

A few weeks later we met up again in the Peach Orchard parking lot (sans Cheerwine). By this time, the driver's window in my car had rolled down and refused to roll back up so I did the interstate drive with the wind in my face. We hung out in my car and I used a Batman cape I had in my trunk to cover the open window. We kept hearing a weird rustling in the trees so we moved to her car because it had all of its windows. It was pretty much the same as the first time. I kept asking if she was comfortable for some reason, the way my grandmother asks me if I'm done eating and won't stop asking until I tell her that I am sure that I'm absolutely full. But it was all good, nonetheless.

And maybe it didn't have to be a one-time thing. Maybe it was just a two-time thing. Or a summer thing. It was really easy to talk knowing that none of it would have lasting consequences.

That was in early June.

We didn't see each other again until July when we met up at a lake and it was me, her, my friend, and another girl I'd never met but who went to the same college as me. It was a confusing day but I think it can be roughly summed up thusly:

-They were trying to set me up with the girl who went to the same school with me

-My friend was now aggressively flirting with his friend (the girl, not me).

-The picture on the side of my blog was taken that day.

-My friend got sick during dinner because he'd swallowed too much lake water while trying to splash and wrestle the girl. He spent the dinner in the bathroom while I ate Tachos! (that's Tater-tots + nachos = TACHOS!)

-At around 8 or 9 I left the girl's house and went for a twelve mile run down the highway and almost threw up my Tachos and everyone went looking for me. And to be clear, I told them I was going for a run. It's not like I ran off in the middle of the night. But at the same time, I ran off in the middle of the night. Didn't throw up the Tachos though.

-I tried to awkwardly hang around in her bedroom for as long as possible before my friend decided it was time to leave.

That was followed by a lot of awkward text messages and weird conversations and unspoken sub-text and suspicion and confusion and running.

I think by late August or early September that girl and my friend were openly dating (I never did find out what happened to the damsel) and I just went back to seeing the girl who had lived in my freshman dorm.

The three of us have now split apart from each other (as well as the girl who had lived in my freshman dorm).

What did I learn?

I don't think I really learned anything. It wasn't like a neat lesson. It was one of those things that changes your perspective.

It was like what vomiting would be like if you had never vomited until you were 18. You had been walking around thinking, "I know how food works. I take the food, eat it CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP! and then it comes out later.

And then you up-chuck for the first time and you're like THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! THIS IS SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN I HAD PREVIOUSLY ANTICIPATED IT BEING!

But you try to stay cool and casual about it.

It was a fun summer.

KEST LA VEE-EH!