Frequently Stupendous

I fell asleep in a sleeping bag for about 3 hours, woke up, scraped the frost off my car, and drove home. It was a good New Year's. I crashed, recovered, and kept on moving...then I took a nap about four hours later. But I felt like I had momentum, you know? Like I kicked off the burning, sinking ship that was 2011 and onto the sweet sweet non-flammable cloud ship of 2012.

Which leads me to the title. Frequently Stupendous. That's the goal of the blog for the new year, to be that. Frequently Stupendous.

Frequent- as in prolific or overwhelmingly growing! The content of this blog will multiply so rapidly that I'm bound to crap out something special in the avalanche of mediocrity I will assail my readers with. Prepare yourselves for much separating of the wheat from the chaff. So much CHAFF.

(Mediocrity and avalanche aren't words that readily combine. Mediocralanche? Avalocrity?)


Stupendous- as in better than an oatmeal cream pie. I discovered last night that the standard for stupendous is an oatmeal cream pie. The oatmeal cream pie is just on the edge of stupendous. There's literally no space between oatmeal cream pie and stupendous; they're that close. If you add something to the oatmeal cream pie, like chocolate, then it becomes stupendous. And surprisingly, if you take out the cream, leaving just an oatmeal pie, you also achieve stupendous. So it is my intention to make this blog better than an oatmeal cream pie.

And maybe next year we'll try to be better than oatmeal pie. BUT I DOUBT IT!

So that's like that.

Also, gonna try not to swear this year. We'll see how that goes.
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Everyone knows self-improvement is dead. Science has already told us that, without enough money and reality show appearances, major lifestyle changes are pretty much impossible .

But just for fun, let's tie up the corpse of self-improvement and drag him down the freeway from the back of my bumper! Maybe he'll get airborne!

Obviously you want to improve your life by fixing up the fleshy mound of soggy meat you call a body. Look at yourself. It's like an eight-year old molded you out of paper-mache. Don't worry, whatever your body-type, you're hideous. Here's some all-encompassing wondertips to change that.

The first thing you're going to want to do is go get some vitamins. It's winter so you're probably deficient in Vitamin D, that's why come you're so cranky and your hips look so weird. I prefer the cheap, generic gummy vitamins. They don't actually contain a lot of healthy stuff that you wouldn't normally get from food. That's why you gotta super-charge them.

Grab a big ol' fistful of them gummy fruits and turn it into a big ol' faceful of gummy fruits. Mash the vitamins a little bit to increase their absorbency but before you swallow, spit them all into a blender. Then take an aggressively-named energy drink and a number-themed energy shot and poor those bad boys in there to liven things up. Blendilate at high speeds and then chuggerate at ignominious speeds!

(that's a word I learned from Paradise Lost. It means deserving or causing public disgrace or shame. Great, right? You're learning!)

Now you're ready to face the day just like when you were four! You haven't felt this young in a long time. Your heart is pounding like a jackhammer and the vitamin overdose has turned your pee neon orange!

Walk around flex-spasming and send people pictures of your bright new toilet bowl. You'll command so much respect that you probably won't have to pay for stuff no more. I mean, you're basically riding the line between a super villain and a superhero that can only work under the cover of night. You definitely aren't daytime material. But instead of committing to those risky businesses, you should enjoy the free stuff while living the life of a freak.

This is how healthy people feel all the time!