500th Post!

Five hundred posts.
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I was at home making an omelet out of my leftover frozen yogurt. I was really tired so I turned off all the lights in the apartment. So I'm making dinner in the dark when I heard this retching sound coming from my living room. I go into the living room and this smell hits me right in the face. It was like burnt blood and bacon grease and I'm thinking, "This will never come out of the carpet." I turn on the lamp and there's this small furry creature crouching underneath my coffee table. It was like a chinchilla or a lemur. It looked up at me with these big yellow eyes and it had three slits for nostrils. It was breathing really fast. Then I saw its tail had this big hand at the end of it with three fingers and a thumb. The middle finger was way longer than the other ones.

I said to it, "Hi." And it didn't say anything back.

So I was like, "Do you--do you want soda pop? To drink?" And it didn't say anything back.

I started making faces at it to get it to go away. Then my muscles started to get really heavy. Everything got really heavy. I was being dragged down to the floor by the weight of my fingers and hands. My eyes shut and the last thing I remember was the smell of the burning yogurt omelet finally overpowering the bloody bacon grease.

I woke up and saw Satan lounging on my sofa. I knew he was Satan because when he saw my eyes open he said, "Hi! I'm Satan."

I said, "What's up? Was that your cat-thing earlier? Is it house-trained?"

Satan said, "I will present you with tasks that no mortal man has completed. The rules are simple. If you complete the tasks I will spare your soul and get the stink out of your carpet. If you lose you spend the rest of eternity in the deepest, darkest pit of hell."

"What about my carpet?"

"The stench will remain and the apartment will be rented out to a nice young Dutch couple at a very reasonable price."

"Noooo! Not the Dutch! From Dutch-land! It'll smell even worse!"

"The game will begin now. You must eat this entire bucket of electric clams, shave my pet Sklottal, and sweat enough liquid to power this tiny novelty water wheel."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

I stared at Satan for a good thirty seconds then said, "Ok, hand over those clams."

After a while I said, "Satan!"

"What?"

"These clams taste funny. Does this month have an 'r' in it?"

"Aren't they shocking you? The electric clams produce enough power to stun an adult blue whale."

"No...they just taste like they've been growing in someone's armpit for the last three months."

Satan sat in troubled silence.

I said, "I finished! Let me at your skunk thingy, or whatever you call it."

"Very well. But my pet's fur is as tough as steel wool and releases a noxious fume that-"

"Ok, I'm done!"

The Sklottal shivered furiously beneath the sofa.

"Fine. I hope you aren't too exhausted because now you must produce a great amount of sweat."

I said, "I'll see what I can do, Lucy."

I concentrated really hard on sweating. After a while, everything went red and it got really wet and really loud. Then it got really hot and I heard the sound of ocean waves crashing on the shore. When I woke up my apartment was soaked and the windows were completely smashed.

From outside I heard the sound of someone sobbing on the phone. They said, "M-m-mom, he-he sweat so much. SO MUCH. And he ate the clams and I think the Sklottal went down a storm drain! I wanna go home!"

In hindsight, after a good night's sleep, a yogurt-omelet was a terrible dinner choice.
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Out of all my stories, this story is the most 500th story.