Orsties

My dad walked in from the garage today and he looks at me and my sister sitting in the kitchen and goes, "What's uuuuup--oh, dang I hurt my neck."

He grabs his neck and says, "I'm too old to say 'what's up!'"

His bodily physically rebelled against his attempt to say "what's up".

That's why I've just started mumbling everything I say. You've got to set yourself up for coolness later. Make things cool now that you'll end up doing anyway when you're old. Like eating three cups of greek yogurt a day, reading an L.L. Bean catalogue, and walking up and down the street with my shirt off.

I'm never gonna wear a shirt when I get old. I'll be too busy getting tattoos of Great White Sharks devouring me. You see, on my front side I'm gonna have all these sharks eating me, dressed in various costumes. So there will be one of me getting eaten by a shark in an old timey diver's suit and I'll be holding a big box of treasure.

And then there will be one where I'm dressed as a cowboy and I'm opening up a grill full of treasure and there will be a shark inside about to eat me.

And there will be one where I'm the president and the shark is disguised as a piece of legislation I'm about to veto.

And there will be one where I'm a game show host on a 70s-style quiz show and the shark will have eaten the other contestants and is now looking hungrily at me and my beautiful southeast asian co-host (a landmark for TV at that time).

And finally there will be one of me jumping over a pit of sharks in a shark-shaped monster truck. And the pit of sharks will actually be inside the mouth of an even greater Great White Shark.

And my little grandchild will see them and ask, "Gran...Grandpa? Why are all those sharks trying to eat you."

And I'll go, "Ohhhh! Look at you! You must be some kind of detective, aren't you?! Well, they did eat me. And do you know what happened?!"

And while I'm doing this I'll be flashing my ear lobes which have tons of fish hooks stabbed in them. When they say 'no' I'll spin around for the big reveal!

BOOM!

It's one giant mural of me bursting out of the stomach layers of seven different Great White Sharks all inside of each other like russian nesting dolls. And I'm emerging from them with lightning bolts for eyebrows and a big pile of chopped wood in one hand and a package of toilet paper in the other.

"That's what happened! Now go outside and start chopping fire wood before you get eaten in your sleep! And don't you ever forget to change the toilet paper!"

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A little bit of love goes a long way. But a bolt of terror to an innocent mind will change them forever!