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Slim Pickens Finds a Mother's Day Present

One day, Slim Pickens remembered he was almost three weeks late in getting a Mother's Day present.

"Hot Bees! I only have two more weeks before the Mother's Day season is closed for good!"

So he gave up on his sculpture of a medium-sized mustache growing an extra-large sized mustache and set out to find the perfect Mother's Day present.

On his way to the Mall, he saw a horrific car crash with real-live flames, smoke, and explodilated machine gun action! So he stopped to take some pictures with his cellular mobile phone.

"These are pretty awesome, but they don't capture how I feel about my Mother's Day."

So he went to the Mall. The Mall has everything--a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, and a sushi bar in the food court!

"This is overwhelming," said Slim Pickens.

He staggered over to the Mall-Butcher in a daze of hyper-consumerism and asked, "Do you know which part of the cow best represents my Mother's Day love?"

The butcher said, "Only one animal?! Guh-hoo-gully muh-hoo-gully! If I gave my dear mama the severed parts of only one animal, she would floss my teeth with live electrical wiring. I will make for you a heart of meat from twenty-four animals, including the walrus, the salaMANder, and don't tell no-body but I'm gonna cram a whole Toucan sans beak in the center of it. Don't tell no body!"

And the butcher smiled as Slim Pickens walked out with 90 ounces of exotic meat strapped to his neck.

But Slim Pickens still had doubts. "I don't think my Mother's day love can be measured in meat."

So he went to the Baker. Who insisted on creating a scale model recreation of one of Slim Picken's precious childhood memories--in apple turnover form!

"We have a new machine," said the Baker, "that can physically rip out a part of your brain containing your strongest childhood memory and turn it into an apple turnover!"

But Slim Pickens still had doubts. "I don't think my mother wants to relive the time I got my foot and arm stuck in an airplane toilet in apple-turnover form. Even if it was a bonding experience."

So Slim Pickens tried to go to the Candlestick Maker but all of his supplies had been seized by the DEA and he was hiding out in the Netherlands.

And as he ate his sushi in the food court, he lamented, "I guess this will be the ninth year in a row I've ruined the Mother's Day season."

But just then, Slim Pickens had a brain-idea!

"I don't need a perfect Mother's Day present! Because a terrible, three-week-old, Mother's day present made out of love is still better than a No-Mother's-Day present!"

And so that's how Slim Pickens gave his mother a half-finished statue of a medium-sized mustahce growing an extra-large sized mustache.

She was so happy that she hid it in the closet reserved for only the very halfest of thought out holiday presents.

The End