Frothy

I realized something about myself after visiting some family in Colorado. I realized that, left to my own devices, I'm not very good at having fun. Like, things that are fun don't come naturally to me.

My uncle is planning on going to the Galapagos Islands and then after that my cousin is going to Spain. My uncle has a pilot's license. He has a sauna in his basement. He buys fancy breads simply because they claim to be fancier than other breads. Before his first year of college he and a friend went on a tour of Europe. He climbs to high places and dives down to deep places.

Those are fun things. He makes plans to have fun.

I don't do any of that crap. Here's the best example I can think of. In the beginning of my high school years, I used to sit around all summer and agonize over how bored I was. But, when I really think about it, I wouldn't have done anything if I had had a car.

My idea of a summer adventure was going to the Food Lion and buying various candies and...and whatever else they had at Food Lion. I was grocery shopping. I'm old enough now to see what I was doing and it was a very laborious method of grocery shopping. That was my tour of Europe and trip to the Galapagos. One time my sister and I even hiked all the way to the Wal-Mart so we could buy GARFIELD: THE MOVIE on DVD! The animated travesty of a movie which will haunt Bill Murray to his grave. That was our a trial. That was our walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

My cousin accidentally threw a house party when her parents were away. It was one of those things were she told a couple of friends and then it got out of control and before she knew it guys with full beards were showing up with cases of Keystone Light. That's fun. Like, that's a good story. She ran from her own house after the cops showed up! That's the stuff of coming-of-age teenage movies.

In my movie trailer life it's just shots of me way out in the middle of no-where on a run debating on if I can hold my upset stomach for another 4 miles or if this Subway sandwich is going to end up in someone's backyard. The triumph of the film is the moment I realize that I can and will take a dump in anyone's yard if provided enough tree cover. That's it. Just a naked guy running on dirt roads looking for some trees with good enough leaves for wiping. That's not American Pie. That's not...it's barely Forrest Gump.

But these are the highlights of my free time. Personalized...grocery shopping and mastering discrete outdoor defecation. But you know what? It's all about gaining control.

THE WORLD IS MY TOILET AND MY FOOD TROUGH!...not...it wasn't supposed to sound like that...you know what I mean.