Finals

Slim Pickens Talks About Finals Clothes

"Let me tell all you little children out there about Finals Clothes and their crucial importance in surviving to the summer with your GPA not looking like it went through a flaming-gasoline car-wash.

What I'm talking 'bout when I say Finals Clothes are the the clothes you wear while you go through your finals. More specifically, THE SINGLE SET of clothes you wear while going through finals. That's right, one shirt. One pair of shorts. That's it. That's all you wear while you're in finals mode. This year, I chose my raggedity ol' green cargo shorts that still have chocolate stains on them from my birthday. These shorts have gotten me through some finals, man. During the spring season, there's nothing more reliable than ol' Mean n' Green.

For my shirt, I went with a  soft flannel that stupidly has a hood put on the back of it. But I love unnecessary hoods! Just when the rain clouds think they got me, I deny them like a freshman trying to sneak into the bars.

But anyway, I hear what you're saying, "GROSS!" First of all, shut up. Secondly, let me drop some knowledge on you.

The key to making it through finals is turning yourself into a test-taking, paper-writing missile. You gotta strip away all the distractions and things that make you feel like a person so you can make that final grade. That means wearing the same clothes all the time. That way you're always in test-mode and aren't hampered by things like creativity and individuality.

Furthermore, you don't want to lose that precious precious stress-sweat. All those oils and pheromones you produce while trying to keep your future from crashing down around you get stored in your clothes. If you keep the same clothes on, you'll be able to maintain a constant level of diligent stress that will shut down your procrastination speedy-quick-like.

And another thing, LAUNDRY? You think this is a time to do LAUNDRY? If you're really concerned with the smell of your clothes, all you have to do is get one of those industrial deep-fat fryers, take a big hamper load of dirty shirts and stained jeans and throw 'em in a vat of grease for 15 minutes. Then pull out your beautiful fried pile of cotton and BOOM! look who doesn't have to go to the dining hall anymore. Plus, your room smells like french fries now.

You can have a heart-attack when you've finished that final ten page research paper!

FOREVER YOUNG! I WANT TO BE FOREVER YOUNG! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? AND EVER? AND EVER?"