Wheeling Around

Slim Pickens is the Number One Choice. Of all the guys, he is a good guy.

One day, Slim Pickens was sitting around trying to figure how to become a winner.

"If I can just become a winner, then I'll be able to crank my chin to the sky."

So he called up Fergtan on his telephonic cereal box.

"Hello, Fergtan?"

"Hello? Who is this? Slim Pickens? Why does your voice sound so weird--are you calling me through a cereal box again?"

"Yes. No. In a week. Anyway, can you tell me how to be a winner?"

"That's easy, dunderhead. To be a winner, all you have to do is be famous. That's why I've started an advertising company dedicated to promoting my brand. The brand of Fergtan...why am I still talking to you?"

"Because you're my best friend."

"No. Bye."

Slim Pickens pondered on what Fergtan had said. "I guess I have to be famous now."

But Slim Pickens didn't know how to be famous. Nor did he know any famous people. So he went to talk to Mr. Mangklace from down the street. Mr . Mangklace was sitting on his front porch, drinking prune juice and watching his grass grow.

"Mr. Mangklace, how do I become famous?"

"Well, I suppose I'm famous for my wonderful yard. The people come from far and wide to see my luscious green grass. And if I don't like them, I spit on 'em. Hehehe, yes, fame has been good to me." And then Mr. Mangklace laughed and laughed as he stirred his heaping pitcher of prune juice that grew darker and darker until it become almost completely black.

Slim Pickens pondered on what Mr. Mangklace had said. "I guess I have to get a yard now."

But Slim Pickens didn't have a yard. Or a house. Only a mailbox full of three thousand screaming chickens telling him to get a job. "But I don't know how to job."

Slim Pickens decided to go to the Cliffs of Bologna and make some origami swans.

Later on, the Poodonkis joined him. "What are you doing there, Slim?"

"I was going to make swans. But I'm not very good at it so I'm making triangles instead. Then I'm trying to get them to fly away but the triangles just fall down to the waves of the Mustard Sea."

"Oh..."

"The Poodonkis, do you know what kind of job I can get that will get me a yard that lets me spit on people so I can become a famous brand?"

"Why would you want to do any of that stuff? That sounds like something Fergtan or Mr. Mangklace would do after he drank eighteen pitchers of prune juice."

"I just want to be a winner so I can walk around with my head high and my chin cranked to the sky."

"Well, none of that stuff will make you a winner, Slim Pickens. And you don't need to be a winner to feel good about yourself. If you do what you like, and listen to your heart, you'll feel good about yourself."

"Sometimes, I like to eat ladel-fulls of sugar and roll around on the grass."

"Does that make you feel good about yourself?"

"Not really, but it makes me all itchy and gives me lots of places to scratch! I just thought we were sharing with the group. What I really like to do is make sculptures and rollerblade when the sun is coming up."

"Then you should do those things."

"And I also really like it when I go to your window and watch you get really excited about doing the crossword puzzles when you think no one is watching. You dress up like a superhero and play victory music whenever you solve a clue and sometimes it takes you like thirty minutes to even get one--"

"Okay Slim Pickens. I think you've figured your life out enough. No need to be talking about...not reality...bye!"

And so Slim Pickens stood up and took some of the bologna from the Cliffs of Bologna and he took some grass from the fields of Dunch, and he took some grass from Mr. Mangklace's yard, and Mr. Mangklace gave him some spit to take with him, and he took some promotional posters from Fergtan's ad campaign, and he took some orange peels from the Enormous Pile of Orange Peels, and he assembled them all into a beautiful statue of some man shopping for a new pair of slacks.

"This is my greatest work ever. I call it, My Journey Through The Tunnel of Time or...Super Cheese Belize Tuesday!"

And everyone saw Slim Pickens's statue because he put it right in front of the entrance to the Bingo Hall. And they couldn't play Bingo until an angry mob tore down the wall right beside the old entrance.

The End.