Slim Pickens is the Number One Choice. Of all the Guys, he is a good guy.
It was the first day of Spring, so everything was rainy and miserable. Slim Pickens was inside building a house of cards on the unsuspecting face of Mr. Mangklace.
Then Slim Pickens was bored, "This tower of cards isn't like the movies at all."
When Mr. Mangklace awoke, he accidentally inhaled all of the cards in one fell swoop!
"SWOOP!" said Mr. Mangklace. "This is the eighth time this week, Slim Pickens!"
"I just want to do something exciting. Like get ejected from a professional sporting event."
"Why don't you go lie face down in the mud until someone ejects you from somewhere?"
So Slim Pickens went out to the ball field in the rain and laid down face-first in the mud. The Poodonkis was walking by thinking about sunflower seeds when he almost tripped over Slim Pickens.
"What're you doing, Slim Pickens?"
"I'm trying to be exciting so Mr. Mangklace said I should lie down. face first. in the mud. Until a referee or sporting official has me removed from the field of play. Could you transform into a sports team for me?" said Slim Pickens.
"Oh gosh, the only thing I can transform into is deep dark of pit of smoldering rage from which nothing can escape and one time a poor German child accidentally got too close and--"
"You could've just said no."
"--and they never found his body again. Just the torn tatters of his favorite lederhosen."
"This is some kind of boring grandma-fun," said Slim Pickens.
"You could also go to the new diner and try their Big-Huge Hoagie. If you finish it, or your small intestine ruptures into any of your other intestines, you get the sandwich for free."
Slim Pickens lept up immediately. "Bursting my insides, eh? That wouldn't be my first rodeo. Let's go to that diner!"
"Oh...I don't know. I should probably go be by myself for a while..."
"Quit your sass-boating! We're going."
And so they got to the diner. And all the people of Dunch were there, including Fergtan.
"Are you guys here to try eat the Big-Huge Hoagie? Your dreams are like the rocket I built in the fourth grade. They'll never get off the ground. And when they do, they'll hit a raccoon in the eye and he'll stalk your backyard for weeks. Hahahaha!" said Fergtan.
"I don't feel so good," said the Poodonkis. "I really think I should go."
"Thanks for believing in me, the Poodonkis " said Slim Pickens. "If something goes wrong, I want you tell everyone that I never liked Mayonnaise. I only did those commercials for the money."
So they brought out three Big-Huge Hoagies. One was for Slim Pickens. One was for Fergtan. And one was for the four-armed sales associate, Looming Dooming. Whoever finished the sandwich would win a free sandwich. If they failed...they'd get...burned...somehow. GREASE FIRE!
They were off to a fast start. Condiments were flying everywhere and there wasn't a dry earlobe in the house. Looming Dooming was mashing the hoagie into his forehead and slowly...absorbing its power somehow. Fergtan was making sure to take extra big bites so all the ladies could gawk at his powerful jaw and neck muscles. The ladies were doing everything they could to avoid looking at this bulging neck and jaw. And Slim Pickens was battling a sudden onset of self-consciousness in regards to his body image!
"Oh..." said Slim Pickens, "I had a big lunch. If I eat this now...I guess I can skip breakfast tomorrow."
Two hours into the contest, Looming Dooming had grown more powerful than ever and flew off, bursting through the ceiling and looking for thunderstorms to hijack on the west coast. Fergtan had dislocated his jaw and was face down in a pile of of his own failure. And Slim Pickens was half way through his sandwich and considering buying a more flattering pair of jeans. Suddenly, the Poodonkis who had been whimpering weakly in the corner all afternoon finally turned into a swirling vortex of hate and destruction.
"The Poodonkis!" said Slim Pickens. "You've saved my precious thighs!" And he chucked the sandwich into the void. It was a 30 yard completion!
The Big-Huge hoagie caused the pit of evil to become unstable and there were almost no survivors. Afterwards, the Poodonkis and Slim Pickens bought a pinata and had a lovely picnic in the park.
The End.
OH YEAH! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! GOOD THING THAT!
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