Buying a Muffler

Slim Pickens had a paper to write. Of all the numbers, he was the number one.

As Slim Pickens sat down to write his paper, he was distracted by his pet muffler, "Clnkly".

Pictured: Clnkly (not pictured: vowels)

"Oh hey Clnkly," said Slim Pickens. "I was just about to sit down to write this paper but now that you're here I hope you don't mind if I wax bro-etic. So the other night, I was in the club. I saw this girl wiggling and shaking like her bathtub had a toaster oven in it. And I was like, "oh yeah. Moving moving moving moving moving moving moving moving." Because ladies love the repetitious dance lyrics. And then I covered myself in balsamic vinaigrette and slithered on over to her. The ladies like salads, right?"

"What's that, Clnkly? You wanna know how to write a paper? Yeah, I can show you how it's done. Let me give you some QUICK SHWICK TIPS.

Tip #1: Sound like a smart person. If a character is going around killing people's heads off. Don't describe him in your critical analysis of the story as, "Wacko McDirkenbrau." Instead, say: "The principle antagonist exhibits a kaleidoscope of neurosis that culminate in the ritualistic massacre of the townsfolk and their mini-english muffin pizzas.

Tip #2: Structure. You want your paper to be easy to follow. It helps if you go inside your head and imagine your paper as one of those never-ending staircase illusions. Every time you make a point, it should ultimately lead back to your original point in the first paragraph. Then proceed to a new point, but tie that back in to the original point as well. By the end of the paper, your reader will be so dizzy, they'll think you're cognitive...Hindenburg.

Tip #3: Adverbs. You really really want to use as many adverbs as forcefully, promptly, intelligently, diligently, courteously, rembungously, turtootloously, and hair-ily as you can. 

Well there you go, Clnkly, pick an idea and run with it like the dickens. Maybe you should also talk about the Dickens. And how they were such great runners. They were pretty much good at everything. I'm always trying to run like the Dickens. Eat like the Dickens. Turn a pipe wrench like the Dickens. Whack a villain with a pipe wrench like the Dickens. Pass a kidney stone like the Dickens. Pipe wrench a pipe wrench in the pipe wrench like the Dickens.

...buy a pipe wrench."

And Clnkly slowly clnkl'd away into the sunset.
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On another note, I may not have gotten my job. Does anyone have a job for me?! That pays cash dollars?