So I bought these racing flats from Brooks called the "Green Silence".
But wait! You're saying, "Andy, these shoes aren't Green at all!"
Calm yourself, internet denizen.
If you'll look more closely, you'll notice that these shoes are BLUE and YELLOW! The parents of the color Green. When you're wearing these shoes and you reach a speed of about 10 to 11 mph, a person standing about 6 to 7 meters away will perceive the shoes as Green!
That was all a complete lie. You've just been taught a lesson in...being lied to.
The shoes are actually called "Green" because they are eco-conscious running shoes. That means they are made of biodegradable materials that break down three times as fast as regular running shoes. Because, you know how your normal running shoes can hold up for years? These guys turn into potting soil after about two months. You better get all the miles out of them while you can. You're running on borrowed time!
I discovered that the "Silence" part is actually ironic because the inner lining is made of a material that promotes sweating of the feet. That sweating then causes the shoe to slip slightly and produce wet, squeaky fart sounds after the five mile mark. So you can always be aware that your body is the most wasteful engine of all!
But wait! You're saying, "Andy, these shoes aren't Green at all!"
Calm yourself, internet denizen.
If you'll look more closely, you'll notice that these shoes are BLUE and YELLOW! The parents of the color Green. When you're wearing these shoes and you reach a speed of about 10 to 11 mph, a person standing about 6 to 7 meters away will perceive the shoes as Green!
That was all a complete lie. You've just been taught a lesson in...being lied to.
The shoes are actually called "Green" because they are eco-conscious running shoes. That means they are made of biodegradable materials that break down three times as fast as regular running shoes. Because, you know how your normal running shoes can hold up for years? These guys turn into potting soil after about two months. You better get all the miles out of them while you can. You're running on borrowed time!
I discovered that the "Silence" part is actually ironic because the inner lining is made of a material that promotes sweating of the feet. That sweating then causes the shoe to slip slightly and produce wet, squeaky fart sounds after the five mile mark. So you can always be aware that your body is the most wasteful engine of all!
So, overzealous eco-consciousness aside, these aren't bad shoes. They're light, they're comfortable, they feel fast and sturdy.
I wish the heel wasn't higher than the forefoot so it didn't feel like I was running with a chunk of foam strapped to my heel. It's like running on tiny ramps--causing my toes to mash into the front of the shoe while the heel is slipping and sliding around making little squeek poots.
But most shoes are like this and I avoid those shoes.
This is boring.
Let's talk about how when I got home my Mom took one look at my teeth and handed me one of those little metal scraper things they use at the Dentist and told me to go to magnifying mirror in her bathroom and scrape off the stains so that people wouldn't think I was deranged.
 |
| Make it clean, Andy. |
I don't really mind. I liked using the scrapey thing and the stains were bugging me but I want to make it clear that I take good care of my teeth!
I blame that Aquafresh toothpaste. You ever think about the name Aquafresh? Aqua is water. and Fresh is a meaningless buzzword. They're selling you a bottle of curdled water that's gonna make your teeth stained.
That's why I switched back to Crest. Crest was invented in the Middle Ages. Its claim to fame was that if you used Crest and a knight punched some of your teeth out, they would be so shiny and beautiful that you could use them as the crest on your coat of arms.
 |
| You're just a box of dirty water and false hopes! |
Colgate is a Vietnamese word for the neck-sweat you get when you sit in front of a hot bowl of soup for too long.
No comments:
Post a Comment