Hulling

Here's the link to the recording: HERE!

We're all probably just brains in mayonnaise jars.

Why a mayonnaise jar? I don't know. I'm just trying to be optimistic about the situation. I could have said we're all just brains in jars full of puppy farts. But I didn't. I went with mayonnaise because I believe in the dignity of the human spirit!

You ever think you're not a real person? You ever wonder about that?

Who or what are you going to trust to confirm your bodily presence in the universe as we currently understand it? Your brain? Ha! Haha! That's a real trust-worthy source.

One time I ate over a pound of peanuts in under an hour and the next day my BM sounded like a rock being thrown into a river. You know who came up with that idea? My brain. 

One time I thought I was the kind of person that could wear a fedora. And then bought a fedora. Once again, I've only got the ol' noodle to thank for that one.

Even if your brain does do something right, it's just gonna trade that useful information for the next worthless new shiny pile of knowledge that comes along. At one point in my life I could name all the capitals of Europe and list 196 countries in under 12 minutes. Right now all I can do is tell you the jobs of the people in the band, the Village People.

There was a Native American, a Police Officer, a Construction Worker, a Cowboy, a Biker, and an Army mans.

Thanks brain. Thanks for making that trade-off. At least you still retain your encyclopedic knowledge of late 90s, early 2000s Nickelodeon cartoon shows.

What was the name of the whiny, deadbeat, immigrant-sounding guy with the big nose and beard on Hey Arnold: Mr. Kakashka. Duh. His wife's name was Suzy. That's the kind of information that needs to be brought up at a moment's notice without being thought of in over ten years.

But the point I'm trying to make is, I figure there's like a 50/50 chance that we're actually people and we actually take dumps and make love and pet tortoises at the Zoo. And then the other option is we're brains in mayonnaise jars and we're imagining all the dumps and humps and turtle bumps.

Obviously, the truth doesn't affect anything one way or the other. You still can't go around kicking people in the face regardless of whether their ugly, kicked-in face exists or not.

I just think it's good to not take reality for granted once in a while.

Before you get a whole bunch of sand in your coin purse (your vajittle) when the world seems 'broken' somehow, that's a perfect time to think about how you might be a brain in a jar somewhere. And some guy is staring at you (the brain) and thinking about how his dog better not have thrown up on his carpet again.

Just think of the most ridiculous alternative for everything you know and can ever know and see if it doesn't help you let go.  

"Well, I secretly suspect that everyone hates me but on the other hand, I might just exist in the mind of a larva being carried by an ant out from underneath the world's largest gay pride parade."

"The weather said it was gonna be sunny but now it's partly cloudy! This day sucks but at the same time, the chances of me being the figment of the imagination of a giant boil on a sweaty man's back are just as good as me being anything else."

It's all a delusion, shape it however you want and go as deep as you have to but it probably wouldn't hurt to come up for air every now and again.