Second Time Around

I was asked in my psychology class the other day to design an experiment to demonstrate my knowledge of the terms independent variable, dependent variable, control group, and treatment group. I was also asked to work with a partner but there was no one sitting near me so I decided that I could take on the job all by my lonesome.

The experiment I devised was to study the effects of Alcohol in the Human Body While Navigating an Increasingly Death-Defying Obstacle Course in a Helicopter.

The control group was irrelevant because this is not the kind of experiment that can be controlled! We're talking some serious, cutting-edge, free-flowing science here. This is how things like gravity and triangles get discovered.

The independent variable would be the number of brewski's consumed by the pilot. The brews are scattered across the miles long course on the tops of various buildings. Along the way there are various obstacles such as flaming hoops of death and on one building we hired a whole bunch of Estonians to stand up there in Spiderman costumes with cloves of garlic to throw at the propeller.

Quick Sidenote: As I am devising this experiment, the professor has moved in on in the lecture. My notes are now being replaced with schematics and working on the rough drafts of the waivers I'm going to need to hand out.

The dependent variable would of course be the helicopter. Because the helicopter depends on the intoxicated pilot steering it away from any buildings or Thanksgiving's Day Parades in the immediate vicinity.

The treatment group is ME! Because I am being treated to a dazzling display of aerial acrobatics in the name of science and funded by one of those Genius Grant Foundations that are probably going to just about wet themselves with glee when they get these scraps of notebook paper in the mail.

It was at this point the experiment became less experiment-y and more video game-y. If the pilot completes the obstacle course in the allotted amount of time while holding down all his drink we will progress to level two.

This time the pilot finds himself in the Siberian wasteland of Russia. He must navigate the icy conditions while downing shots of vodka and fighting off Russian bears and Russian guys in Russian Bear costumes. We've upgraded the pilot from beer to hard liquor and, just for laughs, we put a flamethrower on the underside of the helicopter.

At this point the class had ended and in big letters I scrawled at the bottom of the page!

I WILL NOT BE HELD BACK BY THE RETARDING EFFECTS OF THE BUDDY SYSTEM THAT PERMEATES THIS SCIENTIFIC ENVIRONMENT! IF ALCOHOL, HELICOPTERS, AND FLAMING BEAR ROBOTS HAVE NO PLACE IN BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGY THEN THEY BEST PREPARE THEMSELVES FOR THEIR INEVITABLE FADING INTO OBSCURITY AS THE CEASELESS MARCH OF TIME MARCHES ON!