Goodnight Internet

Goodnight Internet, I'll see you again in the morning. I need to go to bed now. Here are some things to think about and maybe invent while I sleep. If I wake up in the morning and find you have made them come true, I will turn over all the faith I have in the generative power of nature to you and your massive legion of faceless, omniscient chuckleheads.

ONE- What if the kid who always wears a raincoat and talks to himself was waiting for a solar eclipse to turn into a giant rubber band and shoot himself into orbit? How many people would regret having not made out with him? I mean, other than me! That kid's gonna end up in a cool physics textbook at the very least. He'd practically be folk-hero royalty. Like Johnny Appleseed or Andre the Giant.

TWO- One time in my fourth grade biology class, the teacher asked what we wanted to learn from biology. A girl who sat in front of me said, "I want to know why God made trees." That's not a stupid question because it does not concern biology. Nor is it a stupid question because of all the things you could ask God, why would you ask about trees? They have leaves! They make air. Some make fruit! Eat the fruit! Breathe the air! That wasn't meant to be one of his toughest riddles! But really, it's a stupid question because we all know trees have their own God who they refuse to share with people. What does the Tree God look like? Is he made of biscuits? What do the Goats know about this? I think they're holding out on us until we let them stare in more buddy cop movies. Things to consider: Goats lack the attention span to enjoy fine cinema.

THREE- What if someone hid iguanas in vending machines in the desert and when people reached their hands in for snack-a-rooskis, they were bitten and slowly turned into Don Knotts?

It roams the wasteland, feeding on the abyss.

FOUR- What if wizards made commercials about how they want everyone to stop using spoons and eat with their hands again? The spoons are interfering with the wizards' powers and they are losing the war on breakfast to the Corn Lobbyists. Wizards scare me because they're magic but frustrated and have beards but wear robes that look like gowns. Are they getting married or are they going to turn me into butter? I can't tell!

FIVE- What would be more impressive? A dozen kittens with puppy-faces re-enacting the Spanish American war or a video of me punching a sting-ray until it coughs up the baby I was supposed to be watching.

SIX- Gotta go to the bathroom, if my shadow could just go to the bathroom for me, then I could use my bathroom time for figuring out how many playing cards I could fit into the abstract concept of Forgetfulness.

My life is a misplaced sack of something rotting, growing, burning, and smelling like eighteen days-old Orange Juice.

Internet, I know you can perform these tasks. Or at least, provide evidence of their existence. This is easily within your scope of awesomeness. Don't let me down!