Couldnificient

One more week until I'm 21.
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okayokayokayokayokay OKAY!

I give in.

For too long I've been writing all these obscure, strange, and esoteric metaphors. And it's been fun but while I was on  my run today I realized that...it's not fair to the reader. It's indulgent and boring and it's never going to get me anywhere unless I give the people something they can grab on to.

IT'S GOT TO HAVE SOME MEANING THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO STAND UP AND SAY "YES!"

So, I've decided that I'm going to explain every metaphor in all of my 541 previous posts. I'm going to reveal everything and tell you what it's all about. BUT. I'm not just going to go through every metaphor and tell you what it means. I'm not going to give you some big catalog or index that you have to wade through. No. That'd be boring. What I'm going to do is give you a special insight into my creative process. And once you understand that, everything will fall into place. And you'll be like, "ohhhh, that's what he meant! I should buy him a pizza!"

Ready?!

Okay.

So the first thing you're going to want to do in the Andy Creative-Process system is start by imagining ALL THE DUCKS. Just fill your head with images of ducks. They can be photo-realistic ducks, cartoon ducks, abstract post-modern ducks, whatever kind of ducks you want. And leave no space in your brain-screen/brain-canvas that isn't ducks. Totally fill your head with ducks, have them be upside-down, overlapping, every which way. Anywhere you turn your brain-eye should be nothing but ducks-a-palooza.

So this is like the base coat of imagination. Or, it's like the ocean of consciousness from which I pull out all of my creations.

And what you're going to do with this miasma of ducks is remove, add, reorient, and rearrange these ducks to create meaning. Get it? It's like you make an arrangement of ducks in your head, and then you look at that, and then you just write down what you see.

It's terribly simple. I'll give you an example.

Let's clear away all these ducks and just focus on one duck. We'll call him Alberto. He's kinda like a stout...chumbly looking duck.

(that's another thing you're going to want to do: make up words to describe the ducks. As vast and sundry as the English language is, it still can't possibly generate enough words to describe the various kinds of ducks you can create. I like my work to reflect this.)

Anyway, now that we have Alberto, just kinda standing there, doing his thing. Let's take another big ol' pile of ducks and put them beside him (I like to use big ol' piles whenever possible). Then we'll arrange those ducks into the shape of a cookie jar. You know, like one of those big blue vase things that cookies come in, except it's made out of ducks. Blue ducks to be exact. And the cookie-jar of ducks is about three times as tall as Alberto and let's say it contains a whole bunch of duck-o-grahams. Duck-o-grahams are like Teddygrahams except they're shaped like ducks and aren't regulated by the FDA! So we got these duck-o-grahams, in this duck-jar, next to Alberto and...Alberto is mad because he needs to return this VHS tape he rented like five years ago.

Alberto is a 90s duck. (In your mind, you can make the time period whatever you want without actually telling anyone about it. Sometimes it's helpful to give clues though by referencing outdated technology like VCR's and being scared of cholera.) Let's imagine that Alberto is into grunge and he's wearing ripped jeans and lots of flannel.

So...Alberto goes to the Blickblooster and returns the VHS tape and then they fine him like...I don't know...thirty eight dollars. And then he goes home and eats some duck-o-grahams. Which are duck-shaped and duck-flavored graham crackers that are eaten by ducks. Kind of like how Sour-Patch Kids taste like sour children. And then later he makes some Hamburger Helper.
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Okay, now time for the big reveal that's gonna make everything make sense. That was all a METAPHOR for how much I love teddygrahams AND how I wish we still used VHS tapes. AND how when I was little I used to rent VHS tapes from Kroger because Kroger used to have those. AND KROGER ALSO SOLD TEDDYGRAHAMS!

HUH?! HUH?! Get it now?! It all makes sense.

Here's a little review guide for you.

1. Ducks
2. The 90s.
3....meaning probably based from some mundane part of my life.
4. FULFILLMENT!

Step one is probably the only one that's really a hard and fast rule. The other three I get pretty loose with, especially number 4.

But there you go, I've made it as clear as I possibly can. If you can't figure out my metaphors now then you should probably just...shave off your eyebrows and send them to me in the mail.

Also, if any universities or well-paying private high schools are reading this and would like to offer me a job as a creative writing teacher, I would be more than happy to be paid to teach our adderal-riddled youths about my wonderful creative process.