The Ugly Killers of Cool (as told by Urban Ranger Frank)
As I recall, there were four of them. A big guy, who we called, "The Big Guy", and three medium guys called "No Sleeves", "Luscious" and "Skeevy Rose". They were inseparable--the greatest bunch of chums you ever saw. Make no mistake about it, though, these guys were not cool guys. Nothing could be further from cool with these guys. They were also ugly--that's why we gave them such good nicknames like "The Big Guy" and "No Sleeves". No, they weren't just uncool. They were anti-cool. Wherever they went they made otherwise cool things and events the opposite of that.
One time, on the night of Labor Day, we call it Labor Night, for short, I saw this young woman walking her dog down the sidewalk in front of the smoldering remains of a Red Lobster. As an Urban Ranger, it's my job to identify cool when I see it...one of my jobs, anyway. This girl was seriously cool. She had confidence, boots, charisma, a jacket, style, hair, and a dog all rolled in to a burrito drowning in mustard. But then, the Ugly Killers of Cool emerged from some lame bushes they'd been squatting in and were headed straight for the girl. Every muscle in my body tensed. The girl eyed them warily. The dog hunkered down. And then the Ugly Killers of Cool toasted the cool like a pile of dusty leaves. Skeevy Rose took out an old graham cracker and started licking it. Luscious sang a twangy rendition of "The Cow Coughed Up Another Leg Blues". I can't put into words how uncool it was. Pure anti-cool dissonance. Even when dissonance is cool, it wasn't this time. The Big Guy stood there like a statue made of marble farts. No Sleeves cried. He cried and cried. Oh, my anger still boils thinking about how uncool they were. If it wasn't for themselves pushing themselves into that bottomless pit, we Urban Rangers would have had to push them into a bottomless pit...and then make it look like they'd done it to themselves.
Audience: Attendants of the Actual Middle School yearly "Don't Be Uncool" Assembly.
Themes: Being cool is really really important.
1 comment:
Haha I started cracking up at this line:
"Make no mistake about it, though, these guys were not cool guys."
This is a great post and it has a lot of cool ideas in it. I like "No, they weren't just uncool. They were anti-cool." I like the idea of "anti-cool". It reminds me of anti-hero.
I also like the Labor Night thing, that was really cool, and the line "I saw this young woman walking her dog down the sidewalk in front of the smoldering remains of a Red Lobster".
Haha I loved "No Sleeves cried. He cried and cried."
Hahaha and I love this:
"If it wasn't for themselves pushing themselves into that bottomless pit, we Urban Rangers would have had to push them into a bottomless pit...and then make it look like they'd done it to themselves."
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