The Gwampus

In the animal kingdom, there is a basic rule of order that all animals tend to follow; it is known as the Food Chain.

It works like this: the bigger, stronger, faster animal eats the smaller, wimpier, slower animal.

What is amazing about the food chain is that no matter how low you are on the food chain, there is always something even punier than you.

The terrifying part of the food chain is that no matter how high up you are, there is always something with enormous jaws waiting to devour you.

The food chain even hols true in alternate dimensions. Where the animals and plants seem strange and monstrous to us.

For example, in an alternate dimension, the Great Flying Box Chicken is eaten by the stronger and faster Sabertooth Mountain Cricket.

The Colossal Fire Tortoise feeds on thousands of tiny Puddle Badgers for every meal.

Even the lowly Blueback Slug eats the hairs off the 3-eyed, 3-eared, 3-nosed jackrabbit.

Everything eats something below it and gets eaten by something above it.

Except, that is, for the Gwampus.

The Gwampus is a strange, strange creature. It's body, (if you can call it that), is a big purple head with two legs sticking out of where its neck should be and two long powerful arms sticking out of where its ears should be. The mouth of the Gwampus contains two rows of 52 razor sharp teeth and jaws that can rip open an aluminum can of peaches like it's a soggy napkin...full of peaches. Above the mouth are two beady eyes that gaze out in two different directions. Probably the best description of the Gwampus is an angry grape with fangs.

But, for a creature that is only two feet tall, it has no natural predators. Nothing eats a Gwampus. Not a Sabertooth Mountain Cricket, not a Razorback Dung Beetle, not even the fearsome Russian BoneBEAR!

It is as if no one ever told the Gwampus that it should be afraid of creatures that are bigger than it.

One time, a scientist tried to tell the Gwampus that it was too small to not be eaten, and the scientist was then eaten.

You do not mess with the Gwampus.

A single Gwampus can fit an entire Ford F550 Super Duty Pick-Up Truck with a 6.7L Power Stroke Turbodiesel V8 engine in its stomach and still have room for dessert.

The Gwampus has been known to take 39 consecutive bee stings to the face and not even cry all that much.

The Gwampus is able to see slightly into the future to figure out the best way to sneak up on animals and also completely ruin slumber parties.

When two Gwampuses meet, they can combine to form the dreaded GWAMPLAMOOSE! Which could probably eat the sky if it didn't think the sky tasted awful.

Is the Gwampus a monster? Yes!

Could you be friends with a Gwampus? No. You would be eaten.

But, you have to respect the Gwampus for believing in itself and refusing to accept that it will be eaten by a larger monster.

The Gwampus says, "No! I will not be your breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I will stand here until the Great Gum Drop Eagle climbs out of its smoking volcano and and picks me up with his massive talons and says, 'I'm gonna eat you!'

And there is a word for that. There is a word that sums up everything that the Gwampus is. The Gwampus is the living proof of this word. And that word is

tenacious. The Gwampus is tenacious.