today i was doing tie dye

and we ran out of rubber bands to tie the shirts up so I went in the lifeguard shack to look for more rubber bands but instead of rubber bands I found an old rotary telephone not connected to anything so I walk out of the shack with the telephone and I say

"I'm gonna call the president of rubber bands on the phone and one of you will have to ask him for rubber bands"

so I start mashing buttons on the phone for as long as possible and tell the kids that it's a really long number and then I answer the phone and act like someone is talking and then held the receiver up to the face of one of the kids and said "ask for rubber bands"

and they said "can we have rubber bands?"

and then I slammed the phone down and said "No! You didn't say please!"

and redialed the number and kept letting more kids try to ask the president of rubber bands for rubber bands to distract from the fact that we couldn't do tie dye anymore

some kiddos on some trailos

my job is pretty great

I'm playing online connect four again

it's real fun.

the lame reason I'm playing online connect four again is because I've been watching these videos of Magnus Carlsen playing chess on youtube and he talks through everything he's doing and he destroys everyone. 

But chess is too hard for me. When I play connect four online I can pretend I'm Magnus. Except I lose about a third of the time.

My coolness has peaked in this moment right now.

I'm gonna be an art teacher in the fall

a part time art teacher at a private all-boys middle school.

any suggestsions?

Running Break

It's been frustrating to be injured since May. But today I was thinking about it and a lot of the stress comes from feeling like I need to be fit at a certain time. Like I need to be in shape so I can run well at the 8k in November. Or have three good training cycles by the time the Ten Miler happens. And that's not really true. I don't really have to be ready to race by any predesignated time. It would be nice if I could do the races in the past that I enjoy doing, but it's not something to be worried about. If taking a week or two off gets me back to a place where I'm not hurting all the time, then that's the best thing to do.

Plan to Make My Foot Better

Today is the day I woke up and decided I don't want my left foot to be all jacked up anymore.

I need to focus on doing heel drops and calf raises to fix my achilles and the plantar fasciitis. I need to dial back my running and not be doing workouts or upping my mileage if I start the run in pain. I've been doing some barefoot running around the neighborhood and that has felt really good. I think I'll slowly progress that as well. I need to be hydrated and sleeping more. Yeah!

And then I was also researching how to get rid of toe nail fungus and I think I'm going to try to dissolve my toe nails in August with Urea 40% gel and then put antifungal cream on it. Apparently urea will dissolve a nail in like a week if you keep it wrapped and dry. And then once the nail is gone it's easier to treat the fungus underneath. So that could be fun.

Yes! I. will. be. better.

running update

I've had consistent pain in my achilles and under my arch for a few months now. I really need to focus on improving it and getting rid of the pain. It was really bad in June and then as it got better I started running more but now I'm noticing it's not continuing to improve. So I should probably focus on that.

i am the buffoon supreme

today I asked

today I asked a group of middle school boys to make an art project, make something nice, make something aesthetically pleasing to look at, out of objects found in nature. I wanted them to make a nice little arrangement out of leaves and sticks and rocks and things.

and within 5 minutes--not even that long probably---they had taken two long sticks and laid them out on the ground in the shape of a cross and one of the boys laid down on the sticks as if he'd be crucified and another boy stood on top of him and performed a maneuver known as "teabagging", essentially squatting over the boy and then standing up repeatedly.

my thought was, "well, I mean, it really does seem like this is your religion at this point in your life. this does kind of sum up what you're all about right now."

nothing is sacred

nother joke

a walrus snuck into a special preview of a new children's book that was written to help children cope with having constant dizzy spells. 

the walrus dragged itself across the auditorium, terrifying attendees and bellowing horribly. then it approached the console on stage and by carefully using its tusks it typed out a message on the computer that was projected on the screen--outlining a plan to return to the arctic by building a raft of children and taking them for a spin. 

really looking forward to this weekend

I've been going for about three weeks straight without a good break and I don't feel like I'm recovering very well. But this weekend is my chance to do very little and relax. So that is good. I guess it's also good to be really busy. Everything in moderation.

professional van driver

today I was driving a van full of six year olds from the overnight campsite to the regular camp and we start driving and one of them from the back says, "where are we going?"

And I yell "to get ICE CREAM!"

And they all yelled "YAYYY!!!!"

And they started chanting ice cream and saying all their favorite flavors and the counselor next to me is looking at me like 'what are you saying?'

So what I did was, on the way back to camp we pass zero ice cream stands but we do go past the elementary school I work at during the school year and I took the van into the empty parking lot of this elementary school. We park in front of this empty trailer where they have music classes.

I said, "Alright, that's the ice cream stand. Somebody get out and go knock on the door and yell 'we want ice cream!'

And all of the kids kind of know that none of this is real and one kid in the back is like "HEY! This isn't an ice cream store! This is my school! I go to school here and I know YOU work here at afterschool."

And I said, "no, no. That building over there is the school building. This building is the ice cream store."

The two little girls get out and they tentatively knock on the door and say, "we want ice cream"

obviously no one is around because this is an elementary school on the 4th of july. but anyway then we drove back to camp.

the kids weren't like disappointed or mad at me. I think they were mostly confused. I don't know. It was a bizarre experience all around.

joke again

I thought this was implied but it occurred to me to say that these are not my original punchlines. I'm just taking mediocre jokes and making them worse with overly long setups. anyway, I'll attempt an entirely original joke:

There's a mother and a daughter together in a car and their going on a long trip to visit the grandmother. The daughter is in a teenager and she spends most of the trip on her phone but then her battery gets low so she puts the phone down and they sit in silence for a long time.

Eventually they pass through this little town on this rural highway their taking to grandma's house and the daughter says, "Hey, Mom?"

The mom says, "Yes?"

The daughter says, "Remember how you lost those earrings you really liked?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I know why they went missing. I wore them one day to school without telling you and I got in a fight after school and took them out before the fight and I never picked them up again. And then later I tried to look for them, but they were gone."

The mother is quiet for a long time and then she says, "Well, I kinda figured that you had taken them. And I appreciate you finally telling me the truth. Part of me wants to be mad but I'd be lying if I said I didn't do things like that when I was young too. But, you know why what you did was wrong, right?"

"Yes, Mom. I'll never do that again."

Some more time goes by. They pass through another little two stoplight town.

The daughter says, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Remember how the dog went missing and we never find him and then a few months later I told you that I won cruise tickets in a math contest at school?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I know what happened to the dog. And also I never won a math contest at school. Our school doesn't have a math contest. I sold the dog to a guy who paid in cash and demanded I not ask any questions."

The Mom sighs. "You know how much I loved our dog. I think about him every day still. But...I also think about that cruise and how much fun we had. I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand why you did what you did. But you know that was wrong, right?"

"Yes. I will never do that again."

More time goes by. They're almost to grandma's house.

The daughter takes a deep breath and says, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"You remember that report on the news about the Arby's that caught on fire the same night I was at my friend Michelle's house for a sleepover?"

The mom says, "You went to Arby's?!"

--------------------------------------------------

arby's being a punchline isn't really original either. I'm open to suggestions for how to end it.

another other joke

A bear is walking through the woods and he comes across a rabbit. The rabbit is very nervous.

The bear says, "Hello, Rabbit."

The rabbit replies "H-Hello, Bear. How are you today?"

The bear says, "Oh I'm fine. Just roaming around looking at things and eating things and rolling in things and doing typical bear activities. It's not too unbearable."

The bear looks at the rabbit expectantly.

The rabbit realizes the bear has just made a joke and says, "Haha! Ha! Very funny, Bear."

The bear smiles, "And how are you, rabbit?"

The rabbit says, "Oh I'm fine. I just alternate between standing completely still and running for my life at all times of the day. I might go find a field of flowers later and sit in and be adorable."

The bear says, "That sounds nice."

The rabbit visibly relaxes for the first time in the conversation.

The bear says, "Say, Rabbit? Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No, not really.

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes with him.

what hurts?

I want to do a grumpy complaining post to start off July.

In no particular order:

I burned the roof of my mouth on Friday eating a microwave burrito because I was rushing to a lifeguard class. It's still really tender and I think eating is preventing it from healing. Or maybe it's getting infected I don't know. I swished some warm salt water around my mouth today. maybe that will help.

Two of my bottom teeth still hurt from some fillings I got back in April. I went back in May and they adjusted them a little bit but I still notice them. I should probably call and schedule an appointment to have them adjusted again but I don't feel like I have any time to go to the dentist and I'm going back in a month anyway.

My achilles and plantar fascia have been sore for a while now. But I think I'm starting to figure that out.

Didn't notice any foot pain today during my run but that's probably because I bashed my toe open on a rock.

It's all very minor stuff. It just kinda hurts to eat and move. But it could be worse. And it'll get better soon-eventually.