Fruit Puffs

Ladies and gentlemen, listen very closely to what you are about to hear. Humanity's greatest threats are will be toppled like building blocks under the giant swagger of Science. We have grave answers to questions that have kept you and your loved ones up at night. Namely, we have discovered a process that allows for the animation of fruit. Yes, you have heard me correctly, dear people. Fruit is now alive. Fruit is our friend. If you have a look at this display case I've unveiled--you'll see exactly what I mean. The apple, the lemon, the carrot, and the orange are all sentient beings. The apple has bright green skin and sweet flesh but it also possesses eyes, a mouth, and a brain. The lemon is zesty but can also learn, feel, and imagine. The carrot is rich in vitamins and minerals but also suffers from neurosis. The orange is horribly deformed beyond repair and begs to be put down. We should really remove him from the display but no one is willing to touch him. Not even our most unpaid interns. Death is the final frontier. The first step to crossing this threshold is bringing about life . This is all terrible exciting so keep your eyes squinted and your shoulders hunched to prepare for the wonders of modern Science. Keep time with the tick of the atomic clock on the wall.

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Speaker: A doctor from one of those old black-and-white movies that are used as samples in weird rap videos.

Audience: The awe-struck citizens of the United States of America, brought to them via live television broadcast.

Theme: The Past has the best ideas about the Future.