Giant Fighting Robots

Sometime down the line, many years from now, I'm going to find myself in a pit of doubt and despair. I'll probably be hunched over in a bathroom stall, gasping for air, sweating profusely, racked with pain from the idea of marching on through this barren, unforgiving, god-forsaken wasteland we call existence.

And it's at moments like this, you need to look to yourself for affirmation. You need to find something that defiantly stands tall and triumphantly rings out, "I AM ME!". One of the reasons I keep this blog going is that I like to look back at old posts and see if I can find something like that in my writing. I get several years removed from it all and go back and see if I can assess whether the person who wrote something several years ago has any potential. Can I see anything redeeming in the former version of myself?

Well, in an effort to please the doubtful and troubled versions of myself in times yet to come, let it be known throughout the digital land that on this day I wrote about GIANT FIGHTING ROBOTS!!
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Marcus was a quiet, shy child. Until the Turbo-Vultures ate his parents! When the only people he had ever truly loved and trusted were plucked from their hybrid-car (SWOOP!) on the way back from the grocery store and taken high atop Mount Doom (which is actually quite scenic and pleasant in the spring time), Marcus Callahan entered into a time and place unknown to most mortal men. Marcus was forever plunged into the twisted and perilous landscape of Action!

But for Marcus Callahan, Action was not just a mindset or dragon-filled location. It was an entity that lived and breathed inside of him. It was a possession that changed an average eight year old boy with untied shoes into a six-foot five-inch barrel-chested behemoth with a mane of fiery red hair and a beard that could scrape the grease stains off a garage floor--while he performed HE-MAN CHIN UPS! That doesn't mean he was raising his chin above a bar. No. That'd be too easy. HE-MAN CHIN UPS is short for HE-MAN CHIN UPPERCUTS! Where he squats down low and uppercuts chunks of the ground into the air with his chin.

For many, this transformation would be more than enough incentive to go on a murder-filled vengeance spree. But Fate wasn't done with Marcus Callahan. One night, beneath the full moon, as Marcus stood on the edge of a cliff overlooking his hometown--howling at the moon while cranking out three thousand deep-knee-squats and tearing through bicep curls using two rabid coyotes in heat as free weights, he was struck on the forehead by an eighteen-wheeled Mac Truck BIG RIG FROM THE GODS! It plummeted from the sky like a crazed asteroid from some heavy-metal, testosterone based galaxy and made contact with his deeply furrowed brow.

Marcus Callahan didn't even blink.

The Semi was stopped cold when its awesome mass met the impenetrable and indomitable will of Marcus's skull. And in that stand-off, Steel realized that it must finally bow to the force of Man.

Marcus opened his jaws wide, like a python about to swallow a wild boar, and crammed all eighteen-wheels down his gullet--creating an unholy union of man and machine that can only be maintained through SUPRA-MAXIMUM LEVELS OF AWESOME!

He jumped high into the upper layers of the atmosphere and screamed, despite the minimal amounts of air, "THIS IS FOR MY MOMMY AND DADDY!" and that yell reverberated throughout the whole globe and turned all the clouds into lightning bolt shapes and bulls playing the drums!

Then Marcus descended with the power of American Steel and Combustible Engines and brought his ten-ton elbow crashing down on the face of Mount Doom so that it exploded into hundreds of thousands of mountain chunks which Marcus turned into hundreds of thousands of Outback Steakhouses and scattered them all across the globe so that the mountain could never be reformed again.

The Turbo-Vultures were homeless and had to go on welfare! They bought off brand breakfast cereals in dog-food sized bags for their kids causing a decline in their STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES!

With his vengeance momentarily completed, Marcus Callahan retreated to the Arctic Circle to spar with narwhals and learn the secrets of the lost art of Polar Bear Kung-Fu.
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