Porch View

I felt good today. I got a good amount of sleep. I know almost all the kids' names.

But the main reason I think I felt good is because the guy's bathroom was...broken for some reason today so whenever a kid had to go to the bathroom (which is all the time) they had to be escorted to the pool locker room which is right by the building I work in. And, I'll try to say this in the least creepiest way possible, walking with a kid to the bathroom and then waiting outside that bathroom is a really easy job. But strangely rewarding. You've provided supervision for this person that can not be trusted to walk to a bathroom in an adjacent building alone. The nice thing I guess is that it's barely a job at all but while you're doing it, it's the only thing you have to worry about.

Normally you have to watch dozens of kids who get into a pack mentality that builds into a frenzy of misdirected self-expression and hurt feelings. But when you escort a kid to the bathroom, that's just one kid you have to worry about. He's not trying to cause any trouble either. His bladder is weak; it takes all the control he can muster to get to a designated pee location on time. Basically, mediocre, uneventful supervision is the best kind of supervision.

It makes me wish I could wake up and be some sort of giant woolly mammoth creature. I would still go to my job and lead a normal life, but my occupation would just be to carry children insignificant distances on my back. I'd be well-liked. I'd be performing a wholesome public service. And I wouldn't have to do much else because I'm giant and I no longer possess opposable thumbs. It'd be a pretty sweet deal. I could carry kids to the playground. Or to the big field by the parking lot. I wouldn't have to worry about watching them or keeping them safe because I'd run too big a risk of crushing them or seeing a stray dog and chasing after it. And they could just pay me in bags of spinach and Rolds Gold pretzels. Yeah man, being a large mammoth creature would be awesome.

Oh! And it would also be cool if I had a third eye that could see twenty seconds into the future! No! Wait, I would have VCR vision. So when the kids get hurt I could replay it in my head. But only if they get hurt in a hilarious way. To re-watch a child's pain under any other circumstances would break my mammoth-creature code of ethics.

Also at night I would sneak in and break the toilets. And they'd be like, "We know it was you, giant mammoth creature" But they can't prove nothing on me!

I'm an untouchable king of the tundra!