Fungusical

SLIM PICKENS GETS HIS HAND STUCK IN A GARBAGE DISPOSAL!

a story to raise awareness on the dangers of garbage disposals

One day Slim Pickens was sitting on the floor of his kitchen stirring up a big ol' pot of stew. But the thing about Slim Pickens's kitchen is that it wasn't a normal kitchen with pots and pans and an oven and stove and a refrigerator with a little thing on the door that gives you water and ice. Slim Pickens didn't see the need for any of that stuff. Especially that fridge water dispenser. The sink gives you the same thing at least eight times as fast. The fridge just piddles it out and you have to stand there and wait for it to finishing peeing into your glass before you can go enjoy a healthy snack of cheese-bagels.

What's a cheese-bagel? You know cheese puffs? Like Cheetos or those giant plastic jars of cheese balls you can buy at Costco? I have a cousin who taught me how to make those. It's pretty similar to meth in that a rusty screen door and RAID insect repellent are key ingredients. Once you know the process you can make styrofoam cheese-doodles in any shape you want. I choose bagels because that's probably the healthiest shape but they dry out your mouth like crazy.

Anyway, Slim Pickens had a kitchen and it only had a sink and a giant, carved, wooden Indian chief statue that would cry tears of blood every once in a while. When I say it only had a sink, I mean only a  sink. No counter-top. No cabinet under it where you can put a trash can or drain cleaner. Just piping, a faucet, and a basin coming out of the ground. That's Slim Pickens's kitchen.

He brought the stew over from I-don't-know where. I don't keep up with that sort of thing. But he's stirring it with a magic wand and he keeps stirring it because he notices that the more he stirs, the more this thing starts to smell like a christmas tree. This reddish-brown stew is taking on this fresh, piney aroma and he can't figure out why. He keeps stirring and the smell is getting stronger. It's almost starting to burn his eyes.

He starts feeling like he's up on a mountain top, right at the tree line. Looking into this pot, he feels like he's 11,000 feet up on a snowy slope, piercing the clear blue sky, the air is thin and the wind is harsh and he's got his face right up next to the lone evergreens at this height and he's just millimeters from getting poked in the eye but one of its little spines.

Suddenly, he remembered the dire warning he received from his grandmother on her deathbed. He leaned in close just in time for her to say, with her dying breath, "if you ever smell a stew that smells like christmas trees, it's an eight-inch tall yeti disguised a stew that wants to gnaw off your earlobes."

When Slim Pickens looked into the pot; there it was. It was an adorable, furious, midget-yeti--clenched in its tiny fist was a teeny, tiny midget pine tree. Before Slim Pickens could say, "Balls", the yeti slapped him across the face with the tree and leapt out of the pot.

Slim Pickens stood up fast before the yeti could get a good hold on his earlobes and said, "Teeny-tiny monster-man, you ruined my pot of chili that was I gonna eat to have the strength to build my own custom school-bus. I'm not gonna kill you for myself, I'm gonna kill you: FOR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION!"

Slim Pickens grabbed the hatchet out of the giant, wooden chief's hands and swung at the yeti. But the yeti was too fast and ran up the arm of Slim Pickens.

"Littlest baby-version of yeti, you've got a hold on my arm! Prepare to be...disposaled!"

Slim Pickens cramma-jammed his fist into his garbage disposal and would have turned it on except he lacked the little light-switch thing. So the yeti climbed out of the sink and started gnawing off Slim Pickens's earlobe. With his hand trapped, Slim Pickens realized he needed to act fast. So he said, "Wait yeti! What if we joined forces? Not for good or for safety, but for awesome!"

From that point on, Slim Pickens and the teeny-tiny bite-sized yeti had all of one crazy adventure. It was called...agriculture. They worked on a farm for several years before parting ways. Slim Pickens became an anti-high fructose corn syrup advocate who cheated on his wife while the yeti became a marriage counselor with a crippling addiction to Mountain Dew.

But I guess that's just the way life works out...or something.