On Kids Not Being Funny

I took a job watching children under the impression that they would be...amusing.

Turns out, when you put a bunch of elementary school kids in a gymnasium they really just end up reminding you of feet.

Feet are kinda funny, but they're more unsettling and powerfully awkward.

Ways Kids Are Like Feet-

-they both smell.

-they both should be covered but hippies would prefer they wear nothing at all. We were up at the playground and I saw the mother of a kid not in our program take her boy over to a tree that was not three feet from the playground, yank down his pants, and help him water a tree for all to see. Of course, there really isn't anything technically wrong with it...but still...I-don'--need-ta-see-nunna-dat!

-Young kids have disproportionate bodies. Like, their limbs aren't long enough yet. So their arms and legs kind of remind me of toes. They're always wiggling and gesticulating in weird ways.

-They're constantly on the ground. There are some kids that love to fall down. For no reason at all, they're constantly falling and rolling around on the ground. They can't think of enough excuses to get dirt and whatever is on the floor on them. Kinda like dogs I guess...

-They're very utilitarian. One reason feet are kinda funky is that they're strictly functional. They're just muscle and bone and skin. That's basically what a kid's body is. It's a jumbled, unformed assemblage of limbs designed to move them to their next source of fat and sugar or cling to and climb on whatever is closest to them. That's it.

-Teeth...weird looking. I guess the closest approximation in feet would be messed-up toe nails. They've got baby teeth falling out of them, they've got new teeth coming in at weird angles, to look into a kid's mouth is like staring at my bruised, infected, neglected toe nails.

-Try arguing with a foot. Okay, done? Did you get anywhere in your discussion? No? I figured. Kids are no better. That's why you have to throw crazy logic at them. Mess with them. Make up rules. Take the rules away. Bring the rules back. Speak in tongues. If you want to win an argument with a foot, logic will do you no good. It's just gonna bounce right off your big toe.

-They both turn weird colors. My feet sometimes turn purple or red or all sorts of weird colors due to...poor circulation probably. Point is, if you ever want to see the same thing in a child, watch them try to have Mandatory Pool Fun Time on a cloudy 60 degree day. Haha, bunch a shivering, blue-lipped little hairless apes trying to escape to the land of make-believe beneath towels huddled together for warmth.

-Seriously, they both smell. And when you do catch a whiff, you don't want to know where it came from.

Yeah, so if you're curious what a whole bunch of little kids are like, don't base your assumption off movies or memory or optimistic ideals. Just take off your shoes and socks and stare at the weird phalange'd lumps below your ankles.

The thing about kids though is that eventually they do transform from feet into real people...it's kinda hard to imagine. And I think everyone still has some feet left in them. Watching kids has definitely shown me how much feet I have left...also I have really disgusting feet.