On Me Not Being Funny

OH WAIT!

First I have an almost funny story. So I was finishing up a run on Monday and I had just turned on to my street and I hear some redneck woman sitting on her front lawn because presumably her house was too full of Stupid and Bud Light Lime so she had to air it out for a few hours before she choked on her own failure fumes.

She yells out to me, "Hey! Nice shorts!" in this way that's like, "haha! I bet you don't even realize how ridiculous you look!"

And I wish I could calmly sit down and explain to people like this that I've been hearing these comments for over six years. Am I embarrassed by exercising while your lower back fat is slowly eating you alive? Am I embarrassed by the fact that my life has been solidly progressing while yours has been in a miserable downward spiral since you graduated high school? Am I embarrassed by the fact that you are saying the same kinds of things that small children who need to be kept on leashes say to me? No. Not really. Yes, my shorts are short. But is that really as ridiculous as your complete and total ignorance of the world around you? All I'm saying is that I get way more satisfaction from the fact that you're mocking an action that could keep you from drinking yourself to sleep at night and walking around in a bitter, pathetic stupor all the time than the brief joy you might get from seeing a person wearing short shorts. You're like a child with a crap filled diaper squealing in delight while watching a dog licking its own butt.

Did I just compare myself to a dog licking its own butt? Yes. But at least I'm the clean one in that scenario!

Wait...where was I?

Oh yeah. So she made that comment and then I ran to the end of the street and I didn't say anything because they aren't worth a response. But, it didn't end there because before the run started I had already planned on doing a second smaller loop. So that meant I had to run down to the end of my street again and run back, again.

And I decided there was no way this person was keeping me from doing what I planned. So I run down to the end of my street and she's calling out to me, "Wooo! heyy!! Wooooo! Yeah!" She's trying to wolf-whistle but she can't really do it so she's just sort of vocalizing it. It was weird. The loop was really short so I come back to my street about five minutes later and I prepare myself for it and I'm thinking about giving her the finger but I'm not hearing anything. I look over to the yard and see a police cruiser parked right in front of the house. The woman and the other people in the yard are totally silent.

YES! VICTORY FOR ME! I'm sure it didn't have anything to do with me. But at the time it seemed so perfect and just. Simply a wonderful moment. I hope it was something ridiculous, too. Like one of her little children found a dead squirrel and stuck a cherry bomb in it and the neighbors called the cops. Or that they were just arrested by an entire South American nation for whatever reason a nation could want to arrest them. "Yeah, Bolivia wants you in jail. That's right, the whole country. They can't stand it anymore, they want to put you in a pit filled with spiders, cover you with maple syrup and see what happens. There's no law that says they can do it, BUT there's no law that says they can't NOT do it. So, get in the car."
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Anyway, this guy at work was asking me about my stand-up today and wanted me to talk about it and I didn't really have anything to say. I'm not sure how to describe it really. It's kind of absurd, I guess. Just telling stories of things I find funny and I try to add little flourishes where I can. Like, that story you might have just read seemed pretty typical for me. Whatever you would call that, that's probably what I do. Probably a little less righteously angry.

But what I really discovered while taking to this guy are the two reasons I could never talk comedy or jokes with him. And those reasons are 1. He's older than me, and 2. He's a funnier person than I am. I've never been the kind of person who can deliberately make someone older than me laugh in a conversation. On a stage, maybe. There's enough of an atmosphere and the environment is conducive enough and I've prepared. But I've never been good at talking with people older than me. Can't be witty around them. I don't know why. I've been told many a time that I look young for my age so maybe that has something to do with it. I just kind of automatically assume that lesser, listening role. If someone is younger than me though. I'll talk their ear off. I'll riff and go on and off and everywhere. I'll carry on like I'm the king of the world. But if the person is older than me and they can sense it and I can sense it, it's done. They'll stone-face me every time. Don't know why. I've given up trying. The good news is that I am almost guaranteed to get progressively funnier as I get older.

The other reason is that he's simply a funnier person than me. Conversation-wise, at least. One thing I've learned is that there's a big difference between being a funny person and being funny on stage. Being funny on stage takes a certain amount of preparation and writing and...craziness. I don't know. You kinda have to be able to talk to yourself. Which I did all the time as a kid. I was a weird kid. These other funny people obviously grew up socializing with other children (a sure downfall for any aspiring comedian). So some of the funniest off-the-cuff story-tellers I know can't do squat on a stage. They fall apart. I don't know why. Maybe they need to feed off reactions. It's a different dynamic somehow. But this guy is like that. Anything will send him on a pretty funny story/rant. He's got the confidence. And I'm not stealing the confidence from him anytime soon. So I already know that anything I say is just not going to stick. It's kinda the same thing with my dad. He's older than me (duh.) and he likes to joke around. He's a funny guy. So my weird little story things aren't going to hold his attention...

I could try the MRATHA poem. That's funny to anyone...