The Evil Tree That Couldn't

A Story for Children and People Who Used to be Children.

Way high up on the top of a hill stood a tree all by itself. Against the dull, grey backdrop of the sky was a lonely tree with lush green leaves, sturdy branches for climbing, and delicate white flowers that would soon give way to hard, young fruits. A light Spring breeze vivified its limbs for a minute and these were the thoughts of the tree as the young children of the neighborhood raced up the hill to play at their favorite spot:

"Fear me, puny mortals! I will destroy you and everything you have ever held dear to your paper-thin hearts. I will bury your pets in piles of your own disemboweled entrails then tie you up on my branches like meat-pinatas to be pelted by furious hail storms and feasted upon by plagues of locusts! I am the nightmare of your nightmares!"

But the children could not hear the evil tree. Because children can't understand tree-speak. And so the merry giggles of their play was carried by the wind and heard all around the neighborhood. And even on this dreary March day, everyone outside carried a little smile on their faces. And the tree thought:

"That's right! Climb high on my branches! Higher, children! Higher! Reach for the sky so that you may come plummeting down to the ground where you will be paralyzed by the the nefarious tentacles that are my roots. And as you lie there, unable to feel your legs, too weak to even whimper, trying to drag yourself away, I will reach down into your slithering body and rip out your spinal chord. And the dried bones of your back will serve as a monument to me! The most evil tree in the land!"

And all the while the children delighted in climbing on the safe and sturdy branches of the tree. They made plans for tree-houses and played pretend. They plucked the tiny branches of the tree and placed them behind their ears so their heads appeared crowned with puerile leaves of Spring. And the tree thought:

"You fools! See what happens when you try to eat my leaves. They will stew in your stomach for six days before causing a horrible infection! You will purge and purge, for six days and six nights but the unrelenting pain will assail you to the point of madness. And just as you are about to give in, just as the Maker comes to take you away, your mouths will froth with a foamy bile and your throats will close up completely and your last thought will be the knowledge that I am the one that brought this upon you!"

But instead of eating the leaves the children took a break for lunch and opened up the sandwich bags they had brought with them and left at the base of the tree. As they were eating their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the sun broke through the clouds and the light played upon the leaves of the tree and warmed the children from the wind so that they could continue playing for the rest of the afternoon. And the tree thought:

"Enjoy the last meager moments of your pathetic existence! For soon, with the power of the raging inferno of the cosmos, I will grow so large and mighty that I will block out the Sun entirely. And as you humans slowly freeze to death under the eternal shadow of night I will cast upon on your miserable literal rock, I will be fueled by the depths of Hell itself. My trunk and branches will turn pitch black while society crumbles until you are nothing but filthy animals rolling in your own ash and ruin! I will tower above all as the one true monolith of power in the barren wasteland!"

And the children played their games, sang songs, told jokes, and hung like monkeys from the branches of the tree that they would always remember as a place of true innocence. Later in the evening, their parents called them in to eat dinner and the tree continued his diabolical reverie. He continued to plot the children's destruction right up until the moment a bulldozer came in the night to knock him down. He was later cut up and turned into pencils while the hill was flattened so that a new CVS Pharmacy could be built. Needless to say, the children were crushed that they'd lost their dear friend.

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My only regret is not being able to include more references to blood.