I think about maw maw every time I write on this blog

 It means a lot that she reads this and believes in me. I don't take for granted what a gift that is.

I had an experience today

 this was my experience.

for many years of my life I have bent over to attempt to touch my toes. I have not always been able to. But I have worked at it and now I can touch my toes while keeping my legs straight. But that was not the significant part of today's experience. I was stretching and touching my toes and normally when I stretch like this I either feel something in one of two places. I either feel it entirely in my lower back or I feel a pull on my hamstrings like they're going to snap. Today I felt a pull at the top of my glutes. It was neither my lower back nor my hamstrings but my buttocks. And then I had a feeling afterwards like, the only way I can describe it was that it felt like my butt was online for the first time. Like it was connected to my legs and the rest of my body. I don't claim to know the significance of this or if anything actually occurred but for a brief moment this afternoon something was happening. We will see.

Also it's raining. And that's nice. We really needed it.

I love Geordie Beamish because he's made a career out of winning races he's not supposed to win

 indoor mile champion in college

indoor world champion in the 1500

and now world champion in the steeplechase. what a guy. what a true racer.

he's said multiple times, "I don't want to run fast. I don't like that running hurts. I just like running a fast last 200 meters."

the last thing that made me cry

 on Saturday I was scrolling Instagram and saw this video of this guy who was streaming and playing the video game Backyard Baseball and he was hitting as the character Kenny Kawaguchi who uses a wheelchair. And he gets a hit and the guy starts screaming in Spanish for Kenny. He's screaming his lungs out. And Kenny makes it to second and then gets caught in a pickle but the 2nd basemen misses the throw so Kenny scores an inside the park home run and the whole time the guy is just losing it and he's so happy when Kenny reaches home, the whole video is only like 30 seconds long. and then after Kenny scores the camera that's been on this guy's face goes to full screen and you see that he's in a wheelchair. And he does like the tiniest adjustment roll in his chair back and forth. 

First I laughed out of astonishment and then I watched it like 5 more times in a row and then tears were streaming down my face.   

I think it's dumb to not believe in magic and miracles

 I think it's a lazy and improbable world view to think, 

'yeah it's all boring and rational and everything can be explained so nothing interesting can ever happen.'

That can't be true. Maybe that's a straw man argument but I think a kind of rational pessimism is a horrible view. Unless it's funny. It could be made funny. But even that kind of has this transformative quality to it. 

You're gonna find what you're looking for. 

 Sometimes I'll see like a stain on my counter or like a small mess or whatever and then I'll just try to ignore it, I'll feel my brain try to not pay attention to it with the belief that at some point it will go away and then I'll have this weirdly heavy commandment type voice say, "IF YOU DON'T CLEAN THAT UP IT WILL NEVER BE CLEANED UP" and it's like the sparkling water version of facing my own mortality. 

Anyway we have this planter box on the shared patio area of the apartment row and there's pea gravel around the planter box in this raised brick rectangle thing and I think kids or somebody likes to take the gravel and just throw it all over the place. Maybe it's a little animal or something. I don't know. But today I sweeped it up and made a little magnet to put on the planter that sees "Please Don't Disturb the Rocks. Thanks pardner" and there's a little drawing of a cowboy on it. 

There's no one coming to help you but you can be the person who goes to help someone.

 I was watching this video and this guy offered a definition of nihilism that was, "speech that's indistinguishable from silence."

And it reminded me of this rule I have in the van I drive for camp about talking. You can't talk if what you're saying could be replaced with barking.