From the Vault: The First Story I Ever Wrote for this Blog

I posted this on February 5th, 2007. I really like parts of it. Here it is with some edits.

Theemas fell down a hole. A long hole. While Theemas was falling down this very long hole a story happened. This is that story.

Tuesday, 9:45 AM. Gerald Pince High School Of Learning and Some Such Things. Bee Class.

Bucket turned to his friend Kyle, who was from Spain, and said, "I haven't seen Theemas in like two weeks."

"Who's Theemas?" asked Kyle, who was from Spain.

"Oh, I must have dreamed it." Bucket went back to looking out the window at a man who was on fire. The man's name was Terald. He was on fire because his tie. His tie because Terald was a bad husband. The tie did not appreciate Terald. So it caught flames. Bucket turned away from the flaming man and noticed Kyle, who was from Spain, had turned into a turkey sandwich, that was also from Spain. Bucket looked around to make sure no one had left their Kyle turkey sandwich from Spain on Kyle's desk by accident and then Bucket ate his best friend. About 8-10 hours later Kyle traveled down through the magical pipes that make up the wondrous plumbing system of the world. He arrived in the center of the earth where all eaten best friends go. He was on a game show and won some shoes but the shoes were a little too much.

Once Bee Class let out, Bucket, who was not from Spain, headed toward Eating Food class. Bucket sat down at a table by himself. He didn't eat with anyone. He just didn't. He would eat. And he would be with some ones. But eating with someone? No way. The Eating Food Class was serving cheesy steaks wrapped in other cheesy steaks that day.

Harger worked at the cheesy steak wrapped in other cheesy steaks factory. Harger didn't wear shoes. He could afford shoes. He just didn't wear them. While going to work he decided to stop by the local 7/11 and get a fruit tasting syrup in shaved ice beverage.

Yerdle was a zombie. Yerdle worked at the fruit tasting syrup in shaved ice beverage factory. Why was Yerdle a zombie? Yerdle was a zombie because she was infected with the Solanum virus.

Dr. Mad was a scientist. Dr. Mad invented Solanum, a virus that would travel to the brain and reproduce in the frontal lobe. Once the virus infected the frontal lobe it took over the organism and changed it into something new. A zombie. Dr. Mad was deranged. He was deranged enough to make a virus that turns people into zombies but he was also deranged enough to only infect one person with the virus. We'll never know why Dr. Mad did not unleash his virus on the entire world. Perhaps he was so crazy that he got all mixed up about what was good and what was bad so he decided a really bad thing to do would be to be nice and spare the world of his most evil creation. And then he was like 'Oooo, I'm being so good, which I hate, which means I must be really evil if even I, a super evil guy, hate what I am doing!" And he even found a job for the one zombie he had created, Yerdle. So Yerdle got a job at a fruit tasting syrup in shaved ice beverage factory. Now I don't know if you have ever met anyone that works in that type of factory but a zombie wouldn't stand out. It's cold and clammy and everyone looks grey and trudges around moaning softly.

Yerdle...died somehow. A large pipe struck through her head and her cold coagulated zombie fluid flowed slowly out into a giant vat of syrup. That syrup traveled to a local 7/11 and was placed into the fruit tasting syrup in shaved ice beverage machine.

Harger got that syrup. But he didn't drink it right away. He liked to savor his drinks. He liked to walk around and make everyone jealous. Harger flashed his beverage drink to everyone and then placed it precariously on the railing where he monitored the cheese vat. Some of the guys that were a little angry at Harger's smugness decided to push his fruity tasting syrup in shaved ice beverage into the cheese vat. "Aww geez guys. I didn't even get a taste," said Harger.

That cheese was put on hundreds of steaks and wrapped in hundreds of other steaks that was covered in even more infected cheese. Those steaks were sent to Gerald Pince High School Of Learning and Other Such Things and eaten by the children there. The children became zombies, but not just any zombies,  Zombie Children.