telling yourself

I'm writing this

To know what it is like to be almost (but not quite) too tired to write anything.

Provide! Provide!

Dang Danger

The World at Large Revisited

The Song in Reference

I didn't like this song in middle school/high school when I listened to this album a lot. It was a little too melancholy and mopey and I realized I never paid attention to the lyrics.

Anyway, I like these lines. Since I've graduated college I feel like I've started over in a way every year or so. Or, that I've gotten an idea in my head about what I should do and pursued it and then end up having another idea about something slightly different or an offshoot of the original plan and then go after that. Once I have that idea it's kinda hard to focus on anything else or maybe even see the reality of the situation until it eventually comes into view and then I start on another idea.  But I would like to find something I could at least do for a years or settle into. I think it's all worked out okay though.

Coffee Facts

My mom guilt-couraged me to post pictures here again so, here ya go.

a tiny

if i had a tiny house
i'd live my tiny dreams
running, drawing, breathing,
and doing helpful stuff.
why should i spend all day at work
to afford stuff that you need to spend all day at work for?
no burdens to tie me down
or displays of grandeur.
no. a chance to live for a living.
there's so much about doing the things of being alive that i know next to nothing about.
how is that security?
and with a little or a lot of help i could be on my way.
this tiny poem is a tiny start.

What I've Been Working On

what I could fit on the table

I've Been Making Lots of Stuff

Mostly drawings and little paintings and putting little drawings on little paintings with words that you can read.

And then I think I'd like to mail them out to people and also put them up around the camp where I still live until they kick me out.

If you'd like me to send you some drawings in the mail and I also could write stuff for you, you should leave a comment and text me your address and I'll do that.

I like mailing out stuff because it helps me feel useful and also gives a little creative impetus and oomph when you know you're doing something for another person and not just doing it to somethingsomething emptiness inside forever empty.

I'd also like to make t-shirts because when I was at camp sometimes I'd wear t-shirts that I'd made and people said they liked them and asked if I would make them one and that made me feel good. But also I don't know much about...like acquiring t-shirts...I mean...they just kinda fall out of me so there's nervousness about how to go about making them for another person that isn't my sister.

I'm still going back and forth about what purpose this blog will serve because I don't really make comics anymore and I post pictures of things on instagram but I like it as a kind of...exactly what a blog should be for. A place to hold thoughts about the day. Which I guess I've never really used it for in the 10 or so years that I've had it.

I really like camp and I really like reusing old sheets of paper that I get from work. I turned a 100+ page manual from the department of social services that I was supposed to read into all the comics that were posted here. Also I want to make things about camp but it's more difficult to do while being on the outside of it. I made comics last year about camp when I was right in the thick of it and in and of all that energy.

Summary: get in contact with me about making stuff for you and it will make me very happy. then keep bugging me about it so that I actually do it. thank you and goodnight.

Today I Went for a Walk on My Break

Instead of a run.

Things I did:

took selfies and felt like my face looked fat

felt heavy and bloated

pooped on the side of the road

looked at the beautiful views and trees

wiped with leaves

made a plan to buy a scale

examined the tightness of my watch on my wrist

looked through old pictures of myself

my legs hurt and my foot hurt

wanted to lie down and take a nap

stared at the side of the road and tried to describe in words everything I could see

imagined what people would do if they thought I was a runaway student from the school

stared at the sky

resolved to return to camp and live in a tiny house of my own construction and run a lot

regretted how my haircut makes my face look

listened to the thunder

I'm gonna go draw pictures now.

A Rare Evening

I'm going to write for 10 minutes and see what happens. I've been thinking a lot about what I would like to do in a year and where I was a year ago. I've also been thinking a lot about what it means to be an adult and people I know around my age who feel older than me somehow. This is all kinda boring to just say so I'll tell a story...I mean, I'll tell you the premises of stories because that's all I do

Time Crime: A group of criminal time traveling teens are locked up for their robberies and made to suffer the mundane hardships of penitentiary living--never to surf the space-time continuum again

Dime Crime: A group of criminal ten-cent pieces are locked up for their robberies and made to suffer the mundane hardships of penitentiary living--never to surf the space-time continuum again.

Lime Crime: A singular lime turns from good to bad and back to good again after he is driven mad by the cruelty of circumstance. He is made to suffer the mundane hardships of penitentiary living but then he gets out and looks after a little street kid or something.

Thyme Crime: A group of criminal time traveling spices are locked up for their robberies and made to suffer the mundane hardships of penitentiary living--never to surf anything ever again.

Thiamine Crime: Vitamin B1 is the once kindhearted mayor turned corrupt and evil by a crippling addiction to shrimp cocktail. How many innocent lives must be ruined to feed this essential nutrient's essential craving for delicious shrimp cocktail? Will he be made to suffer the mundane hardships of penitentiary living? Will he surf the space-time continuum ever again?

Slime Crime: It's a kid's movie. It's basically a 1 hour 40 minute commercial for merchandise.

Glime Crime: A gloup of gliminal glime glaveling gleens glare glocked glup flor gleir globberies and made to gluffer the glundane glardships of penitentiary living--glever to glurf the glace-glime glonglinuum glaglain.

Plan for the Best and Best for the Worst.

Since college I've held the view that the surest way to not do something is to set it as your long term goal.

But maybe I'm bad at setting realistic goals or am happy with what I find while I was looking for what I thought I wanted.

I do alright

Cut Off All My Hair

Buzzed it on a 2. My roommate did it for me. Thanks Maddie!

About to go into work tomorrow for three days. I'll get off Friday morning and head to Harrisonburg for about 6 days. Then I'll go back in for 2 days. Then I'll start my school schedule and be living at camp again. 

I cut all of my hair off because I came up with a life plan and instead of a blood oath it's like a hair oath (?) Something to show that I will be intentional and that this plan will influence the future. This was a pattern disruption. No more growing out your hair, going along with the flow. Refocus and do this new thing.

What's the new thing? Plan: work at my school for another year and leave in June to work at camp again. I would apply for a leadership position at camp but I am also okay with being a counselor again. After summer 2018 I will take the money I've saved from my full time job and start building/converting a tiny home. Yes. I guess it's a lot to ask for that to happen at that specific time but maybe if I start talking about it enough now I'll be able to speak it into existence. Then, once I have my house I'll be able to go back to camp and be a counselor until I can move up in that world. Plus if I know something about making tiny houses, that would be very valuable for myself and other people and could also be used to support me. I would feel very useful and fulfilled and sustainable. Self contained. Yes.

And in the meantime I'll be doing running and making stuff. Lots of that. So yes. That's why I cut my hair. And by the time it's long enough to put up again I'll be working at camp and not working at my school and won't have to cut it for being too long. 

Regular posting to continue now that camp is over and the void it leaves behind needs to be filled. YAY!