Avoiding Stank Mouth

Hello. The following is an uncited, biased, originally-researched, How-To Guide.

Rhetorical Question #1: How many times have you woken up and felt like somebody took some dirty dishes and soiled laundry, soaked them in boiling hot pickle-brine, and let them stew in your mouth for about eight-to-nine hours.

Rhetorical Answer #1: Every single morning. Terrible things happen in your mouth at night. Entire wars are fought in your mouth between the Enamels and the Salivas versus the Plaque and the Acids and every morning, if your teeth haven't melted, the smell of the corpses from the battle is ripe and frothy.

Rhetorical Conclusion!: Before you speak to anything with nostrils, you need to check your Stank Mouth.

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We'll start with the most important step in turning your compost-heap face-hole, into a sparkling minty face-hole.

BRUSHING!

Brushing starts with the brush. You'll want one with all the best features. Things like:

-Bristles

-a Handle

-the color Red

-Maybe one with a hole at the bottom. They cut down on weight and you could probably put a gold hoop through there if you wanted to give it some attitude...flamboyant pirate attitude.

That's all the basic hygiene features. But this Guide isn't just about hygiene. It's about crushing Stank Mouth for good. And that takes dedication. 

Don't just think of your toothbrush as a sword you wield against Stink Goblins.

Think of it as a Battle Cruiser patrolling the Solar System! Vaporizing and exploderating in the name of the Galactic Dental Federation!

It's got thrusters, LAZES BEAMS (pronounced LAY-ZSZZSZ-BEAMZ), a gravy attachment for any gravy you might need, and even Radio Disney!...it's not the best station but that's all the satellite dish picks up. 

Even the coldest, darkest regions of space can pick up Radio Disney. You don't need a receiver. Just listen to complete silence for a few hours and eventually, in the shadow of the ever-lurking presence of mortality, you will hear the faint crackle of Radio Disney.

Right! So now it's time for the paste!

There are two schools of thought concerning toothpaste. There's the Old School and the Right School.

The Old School says you should use a pea-sized globule of toothpaste. This method worked fine back in the Depression days when we had to ration everything to keep women from getting real jobs.

But now, in our progressive and advanced society, we know that the amount of toothpaste used is directly proportional to the amount of clean your mouth becomes. The Right School tells you to go PASTE MOUNTAIN on that brush. 

Another benefit of this method is that your tube of toothpaste will only last about a week or so. That's a good thing. When toothpaste gets more than a month old, it starts to lose its potency. You want your mouth to burn with cleanliness!

We're ready to start brushing.

Open your mouth painfully wide and brush vigorously like an inmate scraping his way out of his concrete cell with the titanium locket he promised to give to his daughter. Won't she be surprised when Daddy shows up in her room in the middle of the night and has to hide in her closet until morning when he can meet up with Giuseppe and make a run for the border. 

BRUSHING!

The key is to get a really good foam going. Don't spit. Just keep letting that foam build and build.

Keep going...

It's a good sign when you've progressed from Rabid Dog to Santa's Beard levels of foam. You're on the right track. Press Onward!

Good brushing doesn't stop at the mouth. Keep going! You can breathe when you're dead.

Almost there....

Perfect! You're done! You've transcended your stink and have become a creature of pure Fluoride Clean.


You can do anything now! You're big and smell like freshness!

Pick on things that are smaller than you.
Laugh at things that aren't funny and then make other people feel bad for not laughing.
Eat things at the grocery store and then yell, "This restaurant is terrible!"
Buy a pile of grenades, write disparaging things on them, THEN TELL NO ONE! It's the secret glint in your smile!

Yeah! Try out for Rugby! It's like Football but for people who can't be bothered to protect their skulls and necks!

You put a scrum in the...gain line...with...scrum...TOUCHDOWN!

Wait...hold on. Is that a baby?

That's definitely a baby.

Get away! Get away now! Call Poison Control before it's too late!

Oh...oh dear. I tried to warn him.

If only Poison Control could've been there to protect the toothpaste from that ravenous baby.

What an adorable tragedy.

They should call it Baby Control. Cuz those babies love eating toothpaste so much.
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And that's the guide. You're probably...

a more useless person...

for having read it.

Show it to your children to make sure they don't grow up better than you!

MORE UPDATES TO FOLLOW!