Avoiding Stank Mouth Part II

Part I is here.

FLOSSING

Everyone knows how to floss. I'm not going to make a whole post about something that can be taught in three to five seconds.

Take a nylon thread, jam it up between your teeth, slide it around, and then nibble on any of the sweet giblets you pull out. If you get full, store the giblets in your belly-button. These are your body's natural food storage containers. Repeat as necessary.

Flossing is its own reward. I don't need to hype it up or compare it to

...to a disillusioned cop with one too many murdered daughters--cleaning up the seedy streets and dirty back-alleys in the dark city of Mouth-opolis by any means necessary. Just trying, against all odds, to saw through the tartar build-up of fear and hate. If he can't have justice, he can at least have BRUTAL RETALIATION!

NO! I'm not gonna do it!

I'm not going to win you over. It's important. Do it. Enjoy it.

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Instead, I want to talk about my 

TOP FIVE GREATEST MOMENTS IN FLOSSING

No written Internet records chronicle great moments in flossing history. It's time I get the ball rolling.

#5-  Flossing to the Other Side

One time I was flossing after eating an entire tube of meat glue when I slipped and fell into an alternate dimension.

An alternate dimension is a lot like a Chuck. E Cheese. But with ghosts and banshees that try to fly down your esophagus instead of pizza.

A guy with a belly like a hippopotamus came up to me and said...

"Oh, hello. How's about I change into something more- convertible?"

I think he meant "comfortable". But he was already wearing a pair of freshly bleached tighty-whities.

I think he was about as convertible as he was going to get.

And then he

crammed me into his arm pit and I came back to reality. I don't want to talk about that part.

#4- The Root of All Evil

One time I found an entire crumpled up one dollar bill in my molar.

I was like "Alright!"

But then I remembered how earlier that week a guy had dared me to eat an entire plate of money. And for some reason the money was kind of oozing like the person that created it had difficulty drawing piles of discrete objects.

"Why are the dollars sweating?" "STOP LOOKING AT IT!"

And then as my punishment for failing the challenge--I had to eat an entire half-eaten plate of money.

You ever get the food sweats and the money sweats at the same time? I don't recommend it.

#3- Commitment

One time I was about to go on a date with this girl and we were gonna get SURPRISE LOBSTER! Surprise Lobster is when you act like you're just going to get coffee in the early afternoon at a Starbucks--

But then you go get a full LOBSTER dinner! It never fails to impress.

Anyway, I had something stuck in my teeth and I could it feel it with my tongue but I couldn't get it so I started flossing to dislodge it. I still couldn't get it and my gum started bleeding a little bit...

But I didn't stop and I kept flossing and it started bleeding a lot more.

I finally got it and tucked it away in my belly-button but I had taken so long that I was late for my date! I showed up at her place and just as I knocked on her door I remembered the blood so I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. 

I did the ol' Clean-Yourself-Up-With-Spit-And-A-Hand.

But she answered the door and said, "Oh my gosh! What happened?"


I had to play this off extra-cool. I said,

I always finish what I start.

Surprisingly, we had a wonderful date and then she changed her phone number and email.

#2- Self-Reflection

This one is actually true. One time I finished flossing my teeth and my mouth felt really clean. I gritted my teeth and inhaled and I could feel the air passing through my clean set of pearly whites. So I said to myself in the mirror,

"If you made this much of an effort for everything, you'd have a reason to get out of bed tomorrow"

Awww, self. Why you gotta give me a backhanded compliment like that, man in the mirror? Not cool. We're supposed to work together, me and...also me.

I am my own favorite person to mock though.

Haha, it's cuz I'm sensitive and easily hurt by words.

What a rube!

And my #1 Greatest Flossing Moment!


One time in high school I was staying the night at a friend's house and in his upstairs bathroom I saw a container of mint-flavored dental floss. I had never tried mint-flavored dental floss. That first taste was like someone jammed a candy-cane right into my spinal cord...

which sounds painful but I meant it in a good way...and also a kind of painful way.

So I stole it! I stole it out of his bathroom.

And then I saw him at school later and he asked, "Did you steal my mom's dental floss?"

"No. What? No."

And even though it was obvious that I had, you know how some lies eat away at your core? That was the easiest lie I'd ever told. I was completely ready to carry that with me to the grave.

It was a good thing that I stole it! I brought it where it was appreciated. I don't regret it. It's right up there with Robin Hood, the Underground Railroad, and...dolphin...trafficking.

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That's the list!

Post your own greatest flossing moment in the comments, or give me more advice on what I should do with my life, or leave a nonsense comment of approval.

ALL ARE WELCOME!