Fresh Breadfellows

I was doing some stretches today to try to open my chest. My shoulders felt kinda tight from some minimal upper body activity that my body is woefully unprepared for and I remember from a youtube video I watched a long time ago that opening up your chest helps improve your breathing and all around general wellness.

But you ever just wish you could actually open up your chest if you wrench your arms back hard enough? Just completely rip open your own chest cavity and watch your organs tumble out of you like squishy, amorphous Beanie Babies. I'm not trying to be morbid, I'm just saying it could be practical to have the ability to go Mortal Kombat on yourself.

I mean your organs are just sitting there in  your body all smug and protected by your skin. They're held to zero accountability. Whatever you put in you, you have to trust they're going to know how to handle it. And if you mess up they aren't going to reasonable talk to you about the difficulties they're experiencing, no. They're just gonna seize up like an old man carrying a big heavy bundle of wheat up a steep hill and he gets like halfway up and then his whole body just locks up and he rolls down the hill into a pile of asparagus and expired ranch dressing. And when your organs act up it reduces a rational human being to, "But my stomach hurts real bad!"

I want to size up my organs. I think they're taking being inside for granted. Let 'em come out and try to make their way out here for a couple weeks and then see if they become a little more appreciative. And maybe I'll let them back in if they look like they're up for the job. I figure I need to take back most of the important ones but if there's an stragglers in the bunch I'll take my chances with some animal parts.

"Sorry, left kidney. You showed a lot of heart but because of your lack of hustle I'm gonna have to go with the chimpanzee on this one."

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So yeah, ripping open your own chest. Probably a good stress reliever.

You just get fired from your job and your boss is like, "I have had it with your laziness and arrogance and lack of team spirit"

And you just swing your arms back and let your innards fly and go, "What?! What?! I can't hear you over how much I just tore my chest cavity in half!"

"Oh my-- good--what the--GOD!"

"What?! Are you mad now? Are you still mad? You were mad and now this happened. Are you mad? Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me now that my liver landed on your fruity little office carpet? That stain's not  gonna come out? Are you mad now? Are you mad that I ripped open my chest cavity?"

"I just...um..."

"Am I fired now? Do you fire me when I tear out my still beating heart and set it down next to your mousepad. That stain's not coming out! I don't even care because this hurts a lot more than I imagined. But in a good way. It's a good pain. I'm gonna go walk a quick lap around the parking lot and we can discuss the details of this development afterwards. God Bless. God Bless. As-Salamu Alaykum"

The End