I have a link to them and I've started watching them and I really want to watch them but I have this really strong feeling that I'm going to cry if I watch them. Not that I'm sad. I just get too sentimental about them. In a similar way to how I cry watching sports where someone is trying really hard.
But I do want to watch them.
I found this video of my sixteenth birthday and immediately I seem obnoxious. Like an unpleasant person to be around. It's gross. If I could go back in time I'd say 'stop being a butt.'
But I'm going to try to watch this with compassion.
I'm sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry.
I don't know it's so hard to watch because I have this sarcastic attitude like I'm not enjoying any of it but I know I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable with my emotions.
I'm burping. Oh jeez. This is terrible.
I called my sister and apologized.
I also apologize to Maw Maw and Paw Paw.
A heartfelt thanks to my wonderful Mom for recording this moment. In all seriousness. It gives me a lot of empathy and understanding for giving a teenage child space to be a turd and try to figure out all their stuff. It's tough.
I probably would've learned a lot about myself sooner if I'd watched that clip.
1 comment:
I don't think I've ever been a worse person than I was as an ignorant teenage boy in highschool. I liked watching House MD and thought he was amazing. I wanted to be rude and sarcastic and smart all the time. I wish I could go to the people I interacted with back then and tell them today that I swear I am not such an asshole and dumbass. That I was clearly wrong and never want to be that person again.
I don't have videos of that time though so I don't know how much my memory of it magnifies the severity of my rudeness or maybe doesn't capture the entirety of it. I don't know. But I do know that teenagers are idiots, and teenager boys are even more of idiots.
My past teenage self and your past teenage self can both stay idiots in the past. Crazy that we'd be seemingly more chill and mutual friends only a few years later! I'm very sure I grew out of my House phase by end of freshman year. And by the end of my 20's was fully against what I had been in my mid teens.
I think its awesome that you regret it now because that means introspection and growth. And also I think that more or less everyone has something like that in their past and that it ultimately doesn't matter because who we are now is more important than who we were then.
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