Robert Oxygen

 I was driving home from Staples and out of the corner of my eye I saw a sign for Roberts Oxygen but I thought it was just the name Robert Oxygen and I thought, 'what a cool name.' 

He's Robert Oxygen. He's 8 feet tall and weighs 18 times as many pounds. He's a smooth operator. He's indignant in the face of danger. He always keeps on his person a briefcase containing a relevant dossier. He never parks his car--ever. He once spent half a year seeking out the world's best highwire act and upon seeing it he was underwhelmed. He's Robert Oxygen. Son of Merlin Oxygen. His blood pressure is 110 over 12. His innards are a regular length. His eyelids contain no special properties beyond the normal special properties of eyelids. His job is nondescript. He's been known to dabble in freelance valet parking. He once went to two weddings in the same day and at both events described the tuxedo he was wearing as a 'monkey suit'. 

Robert Oxygen once had a big day coming up. "I've got a big day coming up," he said. "I've got to be ready for my big day. It's coming up." When it was time for the big day--the day of the big day, he said, "Well, it's finally here. The big day has arrived. Good thing I prepared. I knew this big day was coming up." 

You idiots thought a man named Robert Oxygen wasn't going to be ready for his big day??!