bridge trolls

 you guys remember bridge trolls? of course you do.

The Bridge Troll famously appears in the Three Billy Goats Gruff. The little goat is trying to cross the bridge and the troll jumps out and says he's going to eat the goat. The goat tells him 'nah my older brother is coming and he's bigger and he'll be a better meal.' Troll says alright go ahead then. 

The way I remember it this continues about fifty or sixty more times and eventually this gargantuan hulking monster unit goat shows up and he's the oldest goat and he takes one look at the hungry hungry troll and bites his head off and doesn't even bother to say please and thank you.

It's an old Norwegian folktale and we tell this story to children and expect them to learn from it but I'm not sure what the message here is. 

I guess the message for a small kid is that you're weak and so your main tools are lying and relying on bigger stronger people in your life. 

You know what's really crazy though is that I think a lot of times we end up being the troll in the story. And you're trying to live your life and have a meal and survive and you keep getting told, 'no no no wait. you gotta wait. you gotta wait for the next thing. you can't live your life yet. You've gotta go to high school and college and more college and get a job and another job and have a family and buy a house and you've gotta do all this stuff before you start living your life.' You can live your life just enough to not lose your mind and still be productive but if you just start doing stuff then you're a dangerous degenerate or whatever. Right and then eventually you let enough goats go by and the big goat finally shows up and you're like, "man what have I even been DOING over here?" Why didn't you just eat that one goat that one time?!

You're not a goat. It's obvious when you think about it. Which of these two things is more human-like: an actual goat or a little creepy dude who lives under a bridge? The bridge troll has a job. He works for the county monitoring the bridge. You think bridges just exist? 

Here's my version:

Alright kids this is a story about a nice bridge troll that took care of the finest bridge in all of fairy tale land. But then one day a square-eyed ravenous spawn of sin goat came along. The little goat was terrorizing the countryside. Eating anything edible. Charging at small children and screaming at the top of its lungs. And the goat decided it was done running amok on one side of the river and wanted to see what it could ruin on the other side of the river. Just as the goat was about to cross the bridge the troll jumped out and said,

"Son you need to stop acting crazy! You can't use parts of society like bridges and have no regard for anyone else around you!"

And the goat said, "Oh no! Please don't eat me Mr. Bridge Troll! I'm scrawny and weak. Wait for my brother to come by. He's much bigger and will make a better meal."

And the Bridge Troll said, "You lying sack of something goat I didn't even say anything about wanting to eat you. Scrawny my foot I just watched you chow down on that whole azalea bush right over there. Get out of here!"

And the Bridge Troll heaved the baby goat over the bridge and into the river where it was carried far far away. 

And then later the older brother goat came along and said, "Have you seen my younger brother?"

And the Bridge Troll said, "Nah man I've haven't seen him. You're chill though you can cross and look for him over there. Good luck."

The End.