wednesday

Going to sleep I felt frustrated and when I woke up I was frustrated.

None of this is a unique problem. Everything that's happening in our destabilized government has happened before and in other places. Numerous times. Sometimes we have been the cause of that destabilization. To advance our own interests. Feeling like something is unique or new opens the door to feeling helpless and powerless and admitting defeat. Societies have been through corrupt leaders and facist parties. There's a playbook for all of this. I dont know what it is. It seems like a natural reaction is a strengthening of a progressive movement and the call for reform.

On a personal level, I want to feel connected to other people in a way that feels constructive. I don't want to leave a conversation at, everything is broken and hopeless, because it's funny how many sides feel that way and so it's not really an agreement at all. But I can also understand how those feelings are valid and shouldn't be dismissed outright.

What are my values?

Any political platform is really about who has too much power and at the expense of whom, and who should be given more power.

Republicans believe the federal government (in a limited definition that excludes things such as THE ENTIRE MILITARY), academia, and the media have too much power at the expense of large corporations and the rich and nominally the working class.

Democrats basically are seeking to maintain the status quo. The powerful will remain poweful and rich while social reforms will continue and more egregious abuses of power that target protected classes will be chipped away at.

I've been a fan of the idea that fundamentally humans have the urge to create and be creative and care for one another. And that the role of government should seek to maximize those ends. And it doesn't really sit right with me that for the last century, as technology and productivity has made massive gains, the average person is working harder than ever with less and less wealth to show for it. The promise of automation was working less for the betterment of all. And so, it seems to me, that discrimination and meritocracy and systems put in place to give people power, have always served to justify taking things from people outright.

Because, if you allow for racism and sexism and ableism and are able to say that labor that is necessary for society to function is unskilled or lesser, then you can just take that person's labor or rights or wealth because they are a lesser person. And that just seems wrong. 

And we all know on some level the system is unfair and if we feel we've managed to achieve something in it, we don't want it to change because it would somehow undo or invalidate the work that we've put in.

That's understandable but I also think there's a false sense of scarcity. And that bringing people up to your level doesn't move you down. If a system is so cut throat and unforgiving that you are afraid of other people being given help, when an ocean of evidence is available to demonstrate why they need help, and that it ultimately benefits you to not let people utterly fail, if that kind of system draws that reaction from you, is that something you want to be a part of? Are we that scared and untrusting?

So, to summarize all that, power is concentrated in rich white cisgender heterosexual men at the expense of just about anyone who isn't rich or cisgender or heterosexual or white or a man (broadly speaking) and should be distributed so people can better realize their full humanity. 

And people also fear I think, that to make change and improved the lives of others who have been oppressed and exploited, that necessarily the people that have done the oppressing must themselves become subjugated and discriminated and that's the source of a lot of defensiveness and denial. I don't think that's the case. I don't believe that's human nature. That idea, as far I understand it, comes from colonialism and a specific period in human history when empires were built and whole populations were subjugated by the few and powerful. That's not the way it has to be. And if you do think that any society must necessarily subjugate a segment of the population, if you truly believe it's human nature to make some people lesser and unworthy then...what? That just doesn't make any sense. How can you agree with any of our patriotic rhetoric and also uphold that belief (even though it's a totally unspoken belief and we totally use that rhetoric to cover it up)

bUt aRe yOu saYinG eVerYonE gEts a FrEe rIde?

Again, that argument only makes sense with a notion of false scarcity and undermines the idea that humans have any innate drive to be productive and belong to a community. Of course we do!!! Any system put in place to "enforce" this or create failure is just starting a cycle of exploitation. Help people! I see this in kids all the time. If a kid is failing they need help! And it really all comes down to what you fundamentally think humans are. 

I get that this notion of helping people and not letting people fail comes off as naive but I mean, look at what the opposite has gotten us! No one likes this. I'm not saying don't hold people to high standards or don't help people grow. I'm saying if they aren't meeting those standards or they aren't growing then help them! And if you got to where you are without help

#1 - you're wrong because you totally did get help even if it wasn't the specific kind of help you're looking at at the moment or the specific situation you're comparing yourself to

#2- GREAT! You're in an amazing position to help others! And shouldn't that be the measure of a person? How much they were able to benefit others? Not how much better they were than others. Can you be inspirational by being really skilled and accomplished? of course! But I mean someone more like Jeff Bezos. Does Jeff Bezos inspire anyone? Is he an inspirational figure? I guess in some circles. To me he's an example of someone who has risen to the top without actually bettering society in any way (no I'm not accepting the answer that Amazon has helped society. It's clearly consolidated power and brought down small businesses and local economies in the name of personal convenience. And I could keep going but I'm going to stop here.)

Anyway, longer than I planned. I wrote this out for me because I'm frustrated and wanted to process. It's surprising (although I guess it shouldn't be) that any proposals for change that would align society more closely to these beliefs are dismissed as radical and crazy and impossible. eh.

watching the debate

where do we go from here?

I hope that people gain power. The people are demanding what needs to be done. The people will be heard (?)

edit: HE'S SO DUMB!!!!!!!

browsing

I stumbled on a pro gun messageboard last night and saw two arguments being touted that were reportedly "irrefutable".

The first was "saying guns kill people is like saying the pencil failed my test." It seems like pro-gun arguments center around the notion of personal responsibility. Where this argument breaks down for me is that in the pencil test scenario, that bad outcome is affecting the user and only the user. In the gun argument, another person is being killed. So, yes, when the outcomes affect you alone, then personal responsibility is more important than tools used. But when you start affecting other people, aka killing and injuring them, then you cede personal responsibility for the collective safety of others.

The other argument was basically, if someone murdered a love one with a baseball bat, would you feel any different than if it was with a gun. This one is pretty dumb because it centers entirely on the feelings of the victim. Wouldn't murder make you feel BAD? Yeah. I reckon it would. But feelings aren't really the issue here. If you're against murder, then it might be advantageous to look at things used to kill people and make them less abundant. 

The logic here is that because anything used to murder makes us feel equally bad, then all things have an equally likely chance of murdering, therefore, don't try to regulate guns. 

The impression that I get is that these kinds of arguments are sprung on people like riddles and you really can't engage with them on good faith because the premises are flawed to begin with. And then, as the recipient struggles with this tangle of logic, the speakers feels they've succeeded. I'm know this is common in many circles of many kinds.

monday plan: untraceable fork

Tomorrow I'm going to a corn maze with the art teacher at the boarding school I worked with a few years ago. Should be fun!

I'd also like to get a good run in and start on a comic for the book I'm working on.

I had an idea for a magical item. It's the untraceable fork. By all appearances it is a regular fork but once it is placed, anyone trying to investigate its origins will be utterly thwarted. So if it were to be placed at the scene of a crime and stood out in a way so as to catch the attention of an investigator, trying to determine how it got there would lead them on a magical goose chase of never ending false leads and dead ends. Also the fork would be unable to have its outline traced. That's a magical item. 

aloe plant

my mom helped me repot this aloe plant. I took it from the first house I lived in when I moved to Charlottesville. It's got drainage in the pot now and we removed some of the leaves/plants and Mom is gonna plant them separately. The plant just didn't look very happy so I think having new soil and a better pot will help it.

I like how hardy this little plant is and how it's something I've taken care of and kept with me since moving here. It makes me happy to see it and I've also used the leaves when I've been sunburned! 

I think I'll make more posts about more plants in and around the house.

I enjoy making things and on days when I do nothing but run and make art or write I feel really good. Sometimes self-management is tricky. If there's nothing I have to do then it can be harder to do anything and then I don't feel as good. But overall it's all good.

Focus Mode

Used this mode on my phone to block apps that I check too much but can't justify deleting altogether. Mostly Instagram. I didn't think it would work too well because I've tried things like that before and they're too easy to cheat.

But it ended up being good! I kept it on until 8pm and it was good. Now I have it back on. I always like Thursdays at camp because we worked all day and there's no service out there. So I was completely unable to check my phone. It felt way better than when I can check constantly. That's a yucky feeling.

Good day today. Got outside and worked on my big drawing more. I'm excited about it. Used up all the ink in the King-sized sharpie so gotta go buy a new one now.

running is going great.

What is My Plan

 I've been thinking a lot about this time where I'm not really working. I'm not too upset about it. It's not really my fault and I did have a job lined up and I still might have a job in the near future so I'm trying to make the most of this time and remind myself that financially it's not too big of an ask.

My Main Priorities:

-illustrate a camp book. this is my most legitimate occupation at the moment. I'm gonna start soon I imagine and we'll see where this leads. I'm not sure for how long I'll be doing this but I imagine it could take a while!

-put art into the community. I've been putting stuff on craigslist free stuff for a while now and it's surprised me how meaningful an enterprise it's been. It's put me in touch with a lot of cool people and I'm curious to see what can happen if I invest more time in it. I also just like the idea of people having my art in their homes and stuff. I think that's so cool. I want to make things and just get them out there.

    -side note: it was really fun to do art in public today. I'd like to keep doing that as well. Maybe I could go to IX art park and do things there as well. It was nice to be outside, drawing, listening to music, see all the people going by, getting occasional compliments. Very much satisfied my need for attention, interaction, drawing, and being outside. 10/10. What am I gonna do when it gets cold? Be cold? Who knows. What's anyone gonna do when it gets cold. It's about to be a wild time. 

-work on a game. For the past, I don't know, 4 years, I've been working on some kind of game. They've reached various stages of completeness but this one I think could be really good. I'm excited about it. 

-get really fit! I can be off my feet for large amounts of the day and that's really great for running and climbing and having energy for those activities. If I don't get in the best shape of my life now, gosh, I don't know. Pretty disgraceful. 

For the most part, I really like having a job. I like having a place to be at a certain time and making a regular paycheck and working with kids. I wish I could be doing that. I imagine babysitting gigs are super easy to find right now but, I'm not at that point. It's not joblessness. It's an investment in self-actualization. Yeah.

Some Moments Of Joy Part One

 I woke up this morning and wanted to find my radio/mp3 speaker so I could have music while I drew outside. Couldn't find it.

Drove out to Camp Albemarle, where I was for the last day of camp about a week and a half ago. I thought, there's no way I left it there and if I did, there's no way it's still there.

IT WAS THERE! Pretty amazing. Someone had arranged it nicely on a porch railing and it still worked!

As I was driving back home, jamming to my music, a girl rolled up next to me to use the right turn lane and she was also rocking out. I moved up a little so she would notice that I was also car dancing and we both pointed at each other and said, "YEAH!"

Then MaMa and Mom liked my picture/started following me on Instagram. THANKS :D

I took my big piece of plywood, it's probably like 2'x6' and drew on a little field in UVA. Some nice people walked by and said nice things to me. That felt good.

I went to goodwill to get some clothes to paint on and found the best fitting pair of jeans I have ever worn. I'm gonna paint pizza on the butt pockets.

My run was good. I ran way too hard and way too fast but that's okay. Better than too hard and too slow!

Oh! My friend Chris is in Richmond for a few days so I'm gonna go visit here tomorrow. That will be fun!

Good Day.

9/13

Spent a little too much time on my phone today. I've been listening to audiobooks and short stories while I draw. It's a lot of Clark Ashton Smith and Robert E Howard.

Smith was a big inspiration for Lovecraft and Howard wrote Conan the Barbarian which had a huge influence on Gary Gygax and Dungeons and Dragons. Conan is kinda unreadable because Howard can't seem to get out of the way of his misogyny and racism. He really goes out of his way to jam it in there. Smith is less glaring, he focuses more on creepy old wizards and magic and stuff.

But anyway I'm drawing a lot and making stuff but also just checking Instagram TOO MUCH. So I'm gonna make an effort to do less of that tomorrow and only check it after like 8pm. 

I have a large plywood board that I've started drawing on and I plan to go outside and work on it tomorrow. Should be a nice day!

Don't Have Much to Say

 Yesterday I went to Michael's and bought some stuff and when I go to places and pay with cash I bring along this little change purse thing so I can give exact change because I think the change shortage is still going on. Anyway the total is 14.29 so I pay with a 20 and I intended to give 30 cents so she would only have to give me a 5 and a penny. I guess I forgot to give her a nickel because she started giving me back 96 cents in change. And I said, "oh no! that's not what I wanted to do." Now I was basically the most amount of change a person could receive. The cashier was really nice and I apologized a couple times and she said it was fine. Then, for some reason, as I was walking to my car I kept repeating to myself, "Well, if I'm gonna mess up this badly I might have to stop smoking so much crack." 

I said it, like, a bunch of times to myself. And found it really funny. So. Here ya go.

Adventures in Independent Work

 It's weird adjusting to different kinds of productivity. Like, for the past 13 weeks I've gotten very used to a specific kind of productivity which involved getting out of bed at a certain time, preparing breakfast and lunch, and then getting out the door to be at camp all day. Where I would do a lot of stuff. And then when I got home I would just run, make dinner, maybe write/answer an email, and go to bed. I did about as little as possible at home. Now I'm getting the feel for making up tasks for myself at home and finding reasons to get out of the door and do stuff. 

I'm not complaining. I've felt pretty productive today. I was slow to get out of bed and dragging my feet over some pretty simple tasks. But, like I said, I think that's a function of adjusting to a different type of productivity. 

I have some ideas for projects I want to work on. I feel weird saying them before I've officially done anything but I plan to track progress on this blog. 

(* o *) ~~~~~~