missing home a bit

I was an angsty boi

low blood sugar, under-slept. today was much better. I actually felt a lot better after my run and then talking to my supervisor we cleared the air a lot.

so everything worked out. haha.

I'm gonna vent and then run

so I got back to work yesterday after a week and a half in costa rica and the first thing I'm told is that my time off request was done wrong and that I accidentally requested off 116 hours instead of 28. which is absurd. And that it couldn't really be fixed.

then I was told that a woman was coming to teach tai chi for an hour to the kids. which changed the schedule and I haven't seen these kids for a week and have no idea how they're going to react or what kind of space they're in. or anything about this and the schedule is getting changed around and all of this was decided without any of my input when I was away.

so I ended up leading the transition and I figured, okay. this is a big group. the schedule is different. I have no idea how this is gonna go. so I offered to the kids to try it for at least 15 minutes and if they really didn't want to do it then they could do homework nearby and out of sight. 

anyway, the class is going well and I have a couple boys who aren't into it and they do 15 minutes and then they do their homework. a few more kids also decide they don't want to do it anymore and they ask to leave too.

overall most of the group stayed and were engaged and did a great job. I felt like it was a pretty big ask for a large group of small children to sit through an hour long tai chi class that they had sprung on them on a monday.

today I go into work and find out that my co teacher went over our boss to our boss's boss and complained that it was disrespectful to the teacher that I let the kids leave the area during the class. so then it filtered back down to me and I felt totally blindsided and really upset.

I do more than pull my weight at my job. I don't deserve to have someone go way over my head instead of speaking to me about how I handled a situation that was completely sprung on me.

it's just really frustrating when negative people use me as an excuse for their own crappy behavior and attitude.

I don't know. The more I think about it, the more complaining isn't going to help anything. it's fine. this miserable person got one over on me. whatever. I'll move on. It's because I left and it created an opening for things to go wrong and then put it back on me.

sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who works there who actually wants to be there and enjoys the kids. 

I won't be taking off any more time so I'll just move forward and keep doing my job.

costa rica

it was a blast!!! I'll post pictures here soon.

I have all of my student comments written except 6th grade

I'll knock those out in the morning.

I think I'm doing well. I feel like I'm doing well. Exciting things are going to happen for me.

me. looking up. optimism. keeping my chin up. excellence.

I need to write my student comments today

 It's the end of the second trimester already and I need to get the report card info ready. It's pretty easy but it does take a while to write comments about 50+ kids. Last time I waited way too long to get it all done so I'm trying to change that this time around. Anyway, here I am stalling. I guess I should get started.

ready...go!

portrait of me! what???

2/5

I don't really know what I want to say

I think I'm a little more stressed at afterschool than normal. Some of the kids have been a little off. A little more aggressive with each other. I'd like to work on staying calm and having the right energy because if I get upset, they definitely get upset. So I'm gonna work on that.

I also had an idea for these cards that I made for a game. I don't think I'm going to play it again but it would be a really nice art piece if I arranged them all on a large board. I think I'll do that.

I had an idea for another picture/painting during my run. There's this guy called Stilts Walker who has been posting drawings of hotdogs all over Charlottesville. I'm gonna make a crazy looking hotdog and put some alien letters underneath it and then beneath that have a translation that says , who is stilts walker. and give it away on craigslist.

that's all for now.

oh! follow up to Tuesday

so it was the end of the day and I'm getting the kids ready to transition from the cafeteria to the gym and a 5th grader says something to me. I forget what it was...

I said like "alright, I can't go until we're all showing that we know how to be in line."

and he was like, "just take us to the gym, Andy!"

and in a quiet voice I said, "hey, you're sassing me a lot right now. why are you bringing so much sass?"

and he goes, "I'M GETTING READY FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL"

and I cackled and said "that's a good answer" and took them all to the gym.

Tuesday

I do a lot on Tuesdays. they're long days. but good. 

monday

trying to sleep but my heart rate is weirdly high. like it won't go down to what it should be. I think it's a combination of an immune system that's working overtime and double long runs this weekend with a really hard effort Sunday. also maybe not eating and hydrating as well as I could. oops.

I was going to get up early and do a workout tomorrow but I think the extra strain at this point would not be beneficial. I was in sorry shape right before afterschool today.

so the priority is recovering and feeling like myself again. I'm probably carrying a disease and not showing symptoms. I'd be surprised if I wasn't. 

anyway, good day otherwise. I really like that it's warm. 

lol what a face on ol lumpy legs after a run

thing I'm thinking about

it seems like some people like to say they are going to do something, like in the future, and they don't feel beholden to doing it after saying it out loud. like there's enjoyment in saying it and thinking about it. I think that has freaked me out because, and maybe I'm totally wrong about this, I feel really obligated to do something if I say it out loud. Maybe I don't actually follow through with it in practice but that's how I feel. Usually it's like a fun thing or something adventurous and exciting and internally I think, "oh gosh, that would be a really big commitment and probably a total hassle." Like I can't focus on the good outcome, I just focus on the logistics of actually doing it. Or I really worry about having to say no to it in the future. Because I hate saying no to things.

I'm not trying to say either way is better. I'm trying to understand a different way of talking about future plans. And maybe this isn't a thing at all. anyway, I'm gonna try to watch out for that and not let it stress me out.

you ever

put on a shirt to go running and remember that you got it for Christmas and get hit with a wave of "I love my family so much!"?

anybody?

work reflections

I can get sappy if I want. This is my blog. It's for me. I can do whatever I want.

Anyway, having said that, I was thinking about how it's really great that at afterschool and at art class, I get interactions with the students that show me, at least to them in that moment, that I'm doing a good job.

I think I tend to ignore and downplay positive feedback and I'm thinking I should work on slowing down to appreciate and reflect on those moments.

What I tend to fixate on are moments like yesterday when a mother was picking up her kids and came to me in the gym and reported that her child had told her that he and his friends had been going to the bathroom in the woods during outside time. It kind of caught me off guard and I don't think I did the best job switching gears and reassuring her in the moment that the situation had been managed and things of this nature would not be going on. I knew about it and I work really hard to make sure the kids are supervised enough to not let something like that happen. I think what happened was that it was a new area for the kids and it coincided with a time when we were unexpectedly down a teacher so I was really strained for supervision. Now, I should have adjusted and not given the kids as much freedom in that moment.

I also think what the mother was told was probably an exaggeration from what was actually going on. Overall it's just a really weird situation. And she was really understanding but I think I'm going to follow up and just assure her that the kids are being supervised in a safe environment.

well, that wasn't really sappy it all. it was more about writing this thing down that I'm trying not to fixate on all weekend.