free write

I think I'm spending too much time on instagram. Like a diet of cake and cookies. It don't feel good. So I'm gonna take a break from it.

Yesterday this little tiny 2nd grade girl with a squeaky voice was over by the swings and she got into an argument about something with a 4th grade boy and they're arguing and she looks at him and narrows her eyes and in a low, controlled, but still squeaky voice says,

"I will end you."

And the boy can't win at this point. He totally takes the bait and launches into this tirade about how he's going to throw the basketball at her head and give her a concussion and that's when I step in and calmly say "Yes, and if you do all that then you'll be out of the program and I would be very sad."

And he's still sputtering and trying to threaten and I say "She's a tiny 2nd grade girl, you're in 4th grade. Why are you threatening her?"

But man, wow. She really did destroy him in that moment. 

And then later I was talking to her and I said, "Who taught you how to be so funny?"

And she goes, "My mom. And my dad. My mom plus my dad equals me!"

too freakin cute

tonight i'm gonna make

the last word of the bird. 

these kids, man. I can't tell how much I'm projecting but sometimes I'm completely done with them as a group and then the next day they always turn around and have a great day without me even trying. 

they keep it interesting.

to thine own self be true

the other day

I was doing something I don't know what and for a second I really understood that education is useless. And that ee cumming idea of learning is forgetting and that you come into the world knowing everything you need to know. And that the stated goal of the education system as it was taught to me in teacher school is to create "human capital". It's all just kinda gross.

We cannot strongly state one fact without seeming to belie some other. I hold our actual knowledge very cheap. Hear the rats in the wall, see the lizard on the fence, the fungus under foot, the lichen on the log. What do I know sympathetically, morally, of either of these worlds of life? These creatures have kept their counsel beside him, and there is no record of any word or sign that has passed from one to the other.

from superorganism tiny desk concert: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K49QKVR0p0

my legs hurt. like lying down doing nothing and they just hurt. getting right up to the line of injured or improving.

Something I did Well and Something I could Improve (SDW/SCI)

Did Well: This takes some explaining but I've started doing a "Name the Song" challenge with the kids at the start of the afterschool day and normally I do it on Thursday but tomorrow the 4th graders have a field trip and will miss the start of afterschool so one of the 4th grade boys showed up early, as soon as school let out, to let me know this and asked, very politely, if I could move the contest up one day. The problem was that I had already promised another girl that I would do a "Fun Fact" contest on Wednesday (today). The kids submit fun facts about themselves that people and then they guess who the fact belongs to. And this girl had asked me every single day for the past 5 days about it and if you've ever tried to hold the attention of 30 to 40 elementary school children in a noisy cafeteria the moment school has just let out, then you know it's not an easy task. So there was no way I was going to try to run both of these contests on the same day because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold their attention for that long. Anyway, the 4th grade boy was really disappointed because he'd put in the effort to think ahead and be considerate and do the right thing and I had no choice but to shut him down in the nicest way I could.

So he got really mopey and upset and was pretty mean and standoffish to me and interrupted me a lot when I was addressing the group outside. BUT what I did well was afterwords I was able to talk to him and let him know that he had done everything right and I had to be a buzzkill about it. And he played like he was still upset at me and wouldn't accept what I was saying and so I just dug in further and started going "let me be nice to you!" in a joking/teasing kind of way. I don't know, it kinda sounds weird written out but I really like that I've gotten to the point with this kid where I can sort of tease him about this grumpiness and joke about me wanting to be nice to him and he'll more or less accept it. He actively disliked me at the beginning of the year. Like, he was not ambiguous about it at all and I just kinda had to take it for a while and show that I still really appreciated him, even when he was upset at me or the program or even upset at himself. Today made me feel good about the progress I've made with him.

Could Improve: My kicking was terrible today in kickball. Just atrocious. I don't think I even got on base. What I could actually improve is continuing to build a structure that feels genuine and the kids are invested in. Creating opportunities for things like recognitions and discussions and moments where the group is together but not stressed. That's a hard one. And sometimes things only work for a short period of time and then you have to come up with a new thing. Or they're too work intensive for me to really have ready every day. I don't know. It's about listening to the group and also being consistent and patient and maintaining expectations, even if things feel chill or low energy.

direction

Lately I feel like things have reached a good equilibrium at afterschool. Everyone is pretty settled in, at least from my perspective. Structurally and socially there aren't many challenges that I worry about. But also I want to think about how to grow the program and add to the kids' experience.

I think my goal moving forward is to trust the kids' interests and be responsive to what they bring. And also follow my own genuine interests and share what I'm excited about as well. Those two things usually work.

Things are good though. Things are really good.

afterschool

my friend maddie visited afterschool today! it was great. we took some cups of liquid that we'd put in the freezer over the weekend and watched them melt on the sidewalk. very scientific.

as I was walking out I sat on a bench by the front door and checked my phone and the principal of the school walked out of his office and talked to me for a little bit. He asked if I was in school still and I told him I'd graduated and was licensed to teach secondary english, he smiled when I said english. I told him I thought I wanted to do that until I started working with k-5 and realized how much better it was for me. He said I should look into teaching middle school.

I said I really enjoy afterschool and being able to move around and let the kids be kids and then he just kinda looked at me and I said, "but yeah, there is no money in it." and he laughed and agreed and I said, well I live with roommates and eat a lot of pasta and beans and rice and he laughed again and told me I have a good way with kids. so that was cool.

running in the heat tired

is the best kind of tired

I've started running workouts after work and they feel really really good. 

glavy

what's one thing I want to remember about today?

today I got two kids to section off rectangles of grass outside the school and complete to see who could cut the grass best with scissors. 

I already knew this about myself but I gu

ess it's still true that I cry pretty easily. Certain things. Like really specific things.

Like one time my 8th grade history teacher played the song Waltzing Matilda on his guitar in class and I started to tear up.

Or last summer a counselor was telling me about how one of his campers told him that at home he has anger management issues but that the camper was working really hard to not do that at camp so he could make friends.

Or this past weekend the instructor told us this story about how this woman was rock climbing and hit her head and was concussed and also dangling off the side of a cliff and this guy climbed down to comfort her and later she said that's all she remembered about the experience.

it got to me. I don't think it's a bad thing. Just really beautiful stuff gets to you sometimes when you are also low blood sugar.

update

I slept better and my teeth felt better. I spent a lot of the day sitting and listening to an instructor in a wilderness first aid class.

later when i went for a short run my legs felt terrific!

I called my mom

i spent 76 dollars at wegmans.

i bought eucalyptus essential oil

note

i haven't been sleeping as well and today my teeth hurt.

just happy to be here

me and an art I did.

a band

The other day I had the idea of approaching afterschool/working with kids the way people approach being in a band. Like a group of people doing something to affect a group of people in some way.  And then instead of a music the product is what the kids do. The kids are like the audience and the performance at the same time. 

I think it helps frame the job as a creative endeavor and that what happens is worth sharing and that if you do a good job you can create something that hasn't really been done before. It's not just about doing a job or surviving or mitigating disaster. 

who is my afterschool character?

what's the character I play at my job?

He is kinda like one of those Boppo Clowns. Like, I make myself an easy target for embarrassment or ridicule when it's appropriate. But at the same time I bounce back. The kids can "defeat" me but nothing really sticks. 

I try to laugh really easily and loudly and often. I'm quick to give out praise and recognition and appreciation. If students are interested in something I will be interested in it and try to add to the experience if I can. 

When I correct I do it calmly to try to avoid the pushback of "oh no,  i'm in trouble let me talk my way out of this and avoid all responsibility." 

When I started, a lot of my behavior corrections were about following rules and respecting my authority. Now I focus a lot more on how the kid's treat each other and what they can do to avoid and diffuse conflict. so less of " you need to behave or you'll feel my wrath" and way more "listen to what others are saying so you can have friends and/or not be excluded."

I think I'm competent at most things that kids like to do. Like sports and activities and things. 

I wear a lot of tie dye and colorful clothes. I wear sandals constantly. my hair is usually in a headband or tied up and once a week I wear a running cap. I think I look like a college kid. I mean, I pretty much dress the same as when I was an actual college kid.

Afterschool Me is all around a bigger personality than regular me. 

new license photo

look it's me!

that's what I look like! in that light at that angle.