Mutual Confusing Hate

I'm pretty sure the girl I work with hates me. I'm pretty sure. She has every reason to. I don't really ever look at her or talk to her and I probably look morose whenever we're the only two people in the room together.

Fortunately there are normally about 30 kids in any room that we're both in so that creates enough of a distraction.

But, to be fair, in my mind, she's a terrible person. I don't think I've heard her ever engage in a conversation that doesn't consist mainly of one of three things:

-pointlessly arguing with the person she's talking to
-talking about something you buy or pay for or consume in some way
-complaining about something or someone

Those three things. That's a more fully-formed reason to not like her though. I've never really thought about it that way. But anyway, I don't like her. Can I work with her? Yes. But I don't like her.

That's not really the problem though. It's not like it's hard to dislike someone. My problem is being aware that, if she does hate me, she's completely justified in doing so. I'm not a nice person to her.

Almost every time I go to work I cling to the idea that I can dislike someone without simultaneously becoming like that person. A bitter person with nothing nice to say deserving of contempt.

It makes being mad at someone seem pointless and self-serving. I lower myself. Because, ultimately, it's my choice to be upset. She doesn't wield some awesome power of stupidity that forces me to hate her against all better judgement.

Maybe the best I can hope for is a suspension of judgement. Or more ignoring. I'm fine with her doing that to me. If I was a good person I would try to find some common ground or something. But, you don't have to like everyone. Maybe just be okay with knowing that everyone you don't like will think you're a big jerk. It's not like that's a point of pride though. It's just contributing to the amount of hate in the world. That's part of being a person. Contributing to hate and sadness. And then maybe you'll get some guilt and understanding if you're lucky. And then you become a better person. Maybe.