i feel good

since deciding that I want to stay with teaching art for sure, I think I'm in a really good place in terms of having time to do the things I like to do and also not having to worry about money. It's hard to find a good balance between the two at times but this year seems like it will be a good year for that. 

I really like my afterschool job. I laugh a lot there. Like really hard laughter. Kids are great.

the track workout went well

the three bits of songs that loop in my head throughout the day

"can't look at those eyes, without sparking some" jack stauber: buttercup

"beautiful morning, you're the sun in my morning babe, nothing unwanted" father stretch my hands pt. 1 kanye west

"black, white, green or blue, show off your natural hue, flamingo, oh oh oh oh, if you're multicolored that's cool too"- flamingo by kero kero bonito

track workout later

uva's track is open from 7 pm to 9pm on weeknights and they turn the stadium lights on so that's a good option for the days when I teach art. we'll see if I can run a good one tonight.

I'm not sure why but I've been really on the fence about staying at the teaching job. It's a lot of little things. But I thought about it a lot last night and it really is too good an opportunity to just leave. I also went through the year and scheduled different units and that helped a lot. 

I don't know. It felt good to finally decide, "yes. I'm going to stay with this." I'll probably hesitate again in the future but I think it will get easier.

Things I Did

made a painting for my friend chris's birthday

made the word of the bird

made a weird story about possums and toads

went to work

made a music video

ran a good track workout

got some commissions for paintings through craigslist!

what a day.

school me vs afterschool me

Day Three

So, I did not get the site facilitator job. It wasn't too much of a surprise although still a disappointment.

I think the big takeaway was the support I got from my coworkers though. For the past two weeks I've felt kind of uneasy around everyone at work, like there was something that wasn't being said. It just seemed like people were avoiding subjects and not wanting to speak freely at times. But, I was really relieved when one co-teacher told me that I clearly had passion for what I do and that as long as I stay in the field I want to be in, the opportunities will arise. And he also shared how in his own experience, when he entered his 30s, a lot of things started to open up. So that was really good to hear. I think that's exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.

And then my other co-teacher shared that she had been in on the phone before work with the woman who had made the hiring decision and she was really sympathetic and most importantly, she spoke up on my behalf about my really negative experience with the substitute teacher who had been stepping on toes and being really uncooperative and rude this week. I was so grateful that she said that because I really didn't want to cause trouble. It was the kind of situation where I was working with someone who I didn't agree with and in the past I've had conflict with those kinds of people but I was telling myself to let it pass and fake it for two weeks and not rock the boat. And I knew that was going to be really hard for me so it was really incredible that she spoke up on my behalf and then that message got relayed back to the substitute and she was put in her place today.

So yeah, the people I work with really supported me when I needed them to. That was an incredibly good feeling and then I had a good day at work.

Now I need to get my head back into this art class because I was also thinking about leaving after six weeks. That ain't gonna happen anymore. It's good though. The kids are pretty bought in and enthusiastic so it's just gonna be about coming up with ideas and trying them out. That'll be good.

Day Two

I'll find out about the job tomorrow. That's what I was told.

I'm really tired and I feel like there are a lot of things I'm not in control of right now. That kind of stresses me out. But I'm also thankful for a lot. I'm thankful that I had a really good workout this morning and that running is going really well.

I'm thankful that I'm making a lot of art. I'm thankful that I've experienced a lot and that I have a good sense of who I am and what I'm worth. I'm resilient.

Anyway, now I'm being too dramatic. I need sleep. I'm thankful for sleep too.

Day One

Today was the first day without the site facilitator at afterschool. I filled in and performed some of the duties. That part was okay. I thought I was going to find out if I got the job of facilitator today but then they pushed it back to tomorrow or wednesday. So it goes.

We had a substitute who was just filling in as a teacher to help me with my kids. The person had a lot of experience and clearly was well-versed in the rules but they kind of rubbed some of the boys the wrong way by coming down on the boys really hard and imposing rules that we've either never had or haven't been enforcing as much. The person just kind of went about it in a wrong way. Or, in a way that really stressed the kids out without giving much in return. They're just a sub though so it will pass.

If I get the job then for three weeks I'll be the site facilitator and teaching art. It's not that much extra work but I'm a little stressed by the idea of it. I'll just go one day at a time with it.

Tomorrow I'm getting up early to run a workout. Then driving straight to the school. Teaching. Then heading over to afterschool to set up. Then I can go home and relax. And hopefully by the end of the day I'll know if I got the job or not. We'll see.

good hill workout today

it wasn't quite a runner's high but I did have a moment in the middle of running up and down this big hill that I felt like the only thing that was real and the only thing that mattered was running up the hill really hard. That was a good feeling. It's nice to have poetic thoughts sometimes. Or, dramatic thoughts I guess.

talked with luke

last night I called my sister and had a good talk.

this evening I called Luke and had a good talk.

it's important that I reach out to people when I need to talk. It's important to reach out in general. I need to be good about that.

childhood memory:

when I was in like kindergarten or first grade or something there were two boys who lived across the street. One was a year older than me and one was like a few years younger than me, Timmy and Tony. And I remember there was this period where I would just take things from them. Like I would just steal. They'd have a toy or something and I wanted it so I would just grab it and run away. I'm sure I'm not remembering this right but I think I had taken something from them before and they were mad at me for it but I guess the next day we were hanging out and they had one of those small plastic kiddie swimming pools out in their yard and it had all these toys floating around in it. And the younger kid, Timmy, was like, "okay, now don't steal any of these." And I saw a pink plastic dinosaur floating around and thought, oh man. I want that dinosaur. I should grab it and run. So I did. I just reached in, grabbed it, and ran across the street and inside while Timmy yelled at me. Probably crying. I was being a truly awful person.

Anyway, the way it ended was that as I was getting ready for bed I told my mom, "hey, I took this from Timmy and Tony's house" and showed her the dinosaur. Understandably, she got really upset and was like "you can't STEAL things. go give that back right now."

So I walked outside as it was getting dark, sobbing and yelling. Timmy, Tony, and their dad were standing in the window of the front of their house and I was in the street, crying and yelling, "I'M SORRY! I NEED TO GIVE THIS BACK! YOU CAN HAVE THIS BACK! I'M SORRY I STOLE IT!"

All I can remember was just looking at them looking at me. I don't think they went outside or said anything. So after a while I kinda walked away. I want to say that I left it in their yard but part of me thinks I just held on to the dinosaur.

Anyway, that's the time when I almost learned that stealing was wrong. I guess not completely because I kept the dinosaur but felt bad.