joke #1

There's a pirate captain on his ship in the middle of the sea. Now, the thing about pirates is that a lot of people think they were criminals but what you need to understand is that the governments that controlled the oceans and trade and all of that, they were the real criminals. These people who ruled by arbitrary terms and conditions acted in ways that benefited only themselves--forsaking entire nations of people. People who could have advanced society by leaps and bounds if they weren't impoverished by the whims of the elite. So yeah, pirates are just people who see the strings that move the system.

Anyway, there's this pirate and he's living this miserable pirate life in the middle of the sea. Grimy sweaty crew of rejects and ogres and hooligans and galoots and scrimshaws and ramrods and nasty smelly dudes all drunk because water wasn't clean and crusty and farty and covered with sores from scurvy because they forgot why scurvy happened for a few hundred years. This captain is suffering terrible conditions but he really believes in what he's doing. People shouldn't be able to do whatever they want to whomever they want because they cling to this facade of power. If you have the courage and the ability to throw a wrench in that, to make it difficult for these people because you are another human being and your needs shouldn't be ignored, you should act. So that's what this guy is doing. He's looted. He's terrorized. He's made people with power feel unsafe because that's how you should feel when you're being evil. 

And his first mate comes to him, staggers to him because got all kinds of health problems and his teeth are falling out and he has spittle and blood on his mouth and he chokes out that there's a warboat off in the distance heading straight for them and there's no way they can get away. Their ship's too fast.

And in the captain thinks about this for a second and he just says, "get me my red shirt." And the first mate does that.

And then they have a terrific battle with the warboat. The pirates do the unexpected and they charge at the warboat and they hide the fact their weary and hungry and scared and they turn that into ferocity and fight like animals and throw skulls at the warboat because they're pirates and they have a collection of human heads in a barrel for just such an occasion. And they fight dirty and are all around unpleasant because, again, they aren't by into this notion of civility and puts down 99% of the population. And eventually, the pirates suffer some losses but they are victorious. And the warboat decides, this isn't worth, this is too gross and uncomfortable and they surrender.

So the pirates plunder the ship and celebrate and they get just enough to keep surviving and keep up their reputation and it's a good moment. And the first mate is drinking celebratory grog with the captain and asks him, "Captain, why did you have me bring you your red shirt?"

And the captain chuckles to himself and takes a big swig of grog and swallows it and says, "well, I know it was going to be a hellacious fight and if I were to get injured and start bleeding, I didn't want my crew to see the blood and worry about me. We're scurvy dogs and all we should know is fighting. That's the way we get through this."

Just then a crew member bursts into the captains quarters and says, "Captain! The entire navy was just spotted off the horizon. There's no way we can escape!"

The captain puts down his grog and looks at his first mate and says, "bring me my brown pants."