Marketing is Key

Yeah, "bottomless pit" wasn't doing so good. Since the name change though, we've a steady stream of morons and imbeciles showing up.

My Good Ideas You Should Buy

A Person I Saw in Three Sentences

Cat woman speaks in line at Costco. She is full of lies. Her arms carry boxes of lies.

Idea for Show #2

On the outskirts of the slums that surround a post-apocalyptic mega-city, a humble sludge-fisherman must try to raise a sentient, radioactive tweenage shark girl after she saves his life from Google Drones who kill without discrimination or mercy. Hijinks ensue as the fisherman tries to adjust to life with a female mutated fish beast.

Title: Sharks Who's Chumming For Dinner?

Or

Half-Past Shark-Thirty

Or

Pass the Ranch, Greg.

Under a Couch I Used to Know

But did even the great Walt Whitman dare to tell song of the indignant booger flicked under the couch? Did he dare??

It's not a question of 'if' but of 'how soon??'

And just how muscular will their arms be when they're popping out of those denim vests??

Being Sick in the Summer like...

Here's an upside to if lizard people take over

It's humanity's next great chance to be cool again.

We'll be a species of underground rebels with oblique references to Fergie. It will confuse the Lizard people because they won't be able to figure out what it means.

as long as we agree to NOT TELL THEM ABOUT FERGIE!

Everything Was Business As Usual In CloudTown

Until one day...

DOUBLE CLOUD! OH MY!

How could this have happened?! I've never seen anything so terrifying!

But a lot of barriers were torn down that day. And the sky was a more beautiful place because of it...

Human Man Beats Actual Pile of Garbage in 8th Annual Trash Contest

"It's just like my pops used to tell me: no matter what you decide to become, it'll just be one more mistake in an endless line of failures."

Draw That Commentor!

Yesterday I got my first comment in over a month! It was from my kid sister, Ern! 

For the post "Based On A True Story", Ern wrote: 

lololololol

But why tell you when I can SHOW you with the power of pen and paper?

Thanks for the comment, Ern. This post's for you!

Keep readin' that Skience Book!

Lump Man

He can travel through time. At one speed. In only one direction. Such is his majesty.

Man Feels There Are Too Many Tomatoes On Table

Ancient XC History

Idea for Show #1

Ghost Cat in Curse Box

It's about this cursed ghost cat who gets out of his box ( box may or may not be cursed; indeterminate), and haunts an American household.

Melkor plays the dad. There are no children.

Episodes would center mostly around trying to get the ghost cat back in his box. He is a ghost cat though so it's doubly hard to do. 

Meanwhile, there would be a super dark plot lurking behind all of the canned laughter hijinks and post-conflict reflections. Like, anytime you don't see ghost cat, he's doing some mega-dark bad deeds. This will never be directly addressed, only hinted at to drive fanboys and fanwomen crazy.

Entire show would be from 2nd person POV. Like Cloverfield but with no shakey cam. Running gag would be how ghost cat is always making threats at you when no else is around. 

Don't open that box! Seriously! Well, it's fine sometimes but the laughs are definitely not worth the evil!

Based On A True Story

When you run at night in new shoes your legs are like...

Really. They really are.

Radical Melkor Redesign

Sloppy grotesque pen drawings are a great way to pass the time! Try one!

And then one time Melkor was a Hermit Crab

An evil Hermit Crab! Pinching at the sandals!

In the real version, Melkor is actually pretty evil. He does bad stuff.

But in MY version! Melkor is a very specific brand of evil.

And these drawings and stupid words are an investigation, a delineation of what that evil looks like.

A kind of silly maliciousness. The urge to kick down sand castles and upset houses of cards.

Like Iago, but with naughtiness instead of medical-grade insidiousness.

Melkor doesn't want to watch the world burn. He just wants to yell, "Fire!" when there isn't one and laugh at everyone who looks afraid for a second.

Pettiness. But with all the gusto and majesty of the root of all darkness.

Because, look! What you can control is your motivation. Your drive. Not your circumstances. Melkor can't do anything right. He's immortal and is routinely confounded by tiny elves and humans. But he does it with CONVICTION!And I respect that and want to exploit it for laughs. 

Melkor's Evilest Evil!

Melkor is bad at his job.

My Greatest Lost Matterpiece

I was going through a sketchpad I used for the 8th grade art class and I found this seemingly unfinished comic...

of a guy with a Jerry Seinfeld haircut tugging on the arm of a squat man wearing a beanie cap and a t-shirt with Bosnia written across the stomach.

It's been said that a great work of art should be judged not by the answers it provides but the questions it raises.

By that metric, this comic is truly incredible.

Is the Bosnia man just wearing a shirt that says Bosnia or is he supposed to represent Bosnia?

His arms are spread wide as if someone else should be pulling from the other side but no one is there. Is this supposed to represent the occasional tangible quality of nothingness?

Is that nothingness related to the 5 unfinished panels?

Is this representative of a nonsensical, incomplete tension that immediately dissolves to nothing? Is THAT representative of this entire blog?

Why did I stop mid-panel and abandon this comic for years and years? What was the original intention?

We struggle for nothing, against nothing, leading to nothing and nothing and nothing and nothing...

cue Macbeth monologue!

 To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Cooking with Orc

Today on Cooking with Orc, we're making...

Delicious cake!

Join us next time when we'll be making....

cake! for breakfast!

Melkor made Orcs!

and thus did Melkor breed the hideous race of the Orcs in envy and mockery of the Elves, of whom they were afterwards the bitterest foes...

And deep in their dark hearts the Orcs loathed Melkor, whom they served in fear...

Orcs: No eyes. Big mouths. Jacked-up teeth. Chest hair. Elephant limbs.

Chilling Poolside. Evilling...Cool...Pride

The book says that Melkor was afraid of the sun and the Noldor and hid in his fortress a lot but I think we all know he was really just getting a tan and relaxing with his ducky floaty.

WIZARD OF OZ REFERENCE!

A Song of Cacophonous Farts

And it came to pass that Iluvator called together all the Ainur and declared to them a mighty theme...

The story of creation talks about this wicked jam sesh that all the immortal things had...

But [Melkor] being alone he had begun to conceive thoughts of his own unlike those of his brethren...

The discord of Melkor spread ever wider and the melodies which had been heard before foundered in a sea of turbulent sound... 

Melkor just wants to make fart noises over everyone's pretty music.