Melkor's Lost Words...

No tale has yet told what Melkor thought in his heart at the tidings that Feanor, his bitterest foe, had brought a host out of the West. It may be that he feared him little....



I've got a pretty good idea of what he was thinking...

These elves are trying to run up on Melkor's turf. Melkor hates that. Melkor hates elves in general too.

These specific elves are the Noldor. You can tell they are Noldor because they have those little cone hats. 

Fun fact: Only the most self-aware Noldor realize that they too have a little cone hat.But with that knowledge comes almost crippling shame.

wacky elves!

Melkor The Mighty and Rad: Hates the Moon!

Those Valar-Bro Nerd Jerks created the Sun and Moon. Melkor is not pleased!

But Melkor hated the new lights, and was for a while confounded by this unlooked-for stroke of the Valar. Then he assailed Tilion (the Moon) sending spirits of shadow against him...but the Moon was victorious.

...for as he grew in malice...he himself became ever more bound to the earth..unwilling to issue from his dark strongholds...and the lands near his dwelling were shrouded in fumes and great clouds...

"Or I could create a larger, more powerful Moon to eat this Moon--the MELKOON! With lots of cool horns and skulls!

Clubhouse of Doom!

Now Melkor began the delving and building of a vast fortress, deep under Earth, beneath dark mountains where the beams of Illuin were cold and dim. That stronghold was named Utumno....

Green things fell sick and rotted, and rivers were choked with weed and slime, and fens were made, rank and poisonous, the breeding place of flies; and forests grew dark and perilous, the haunts of fear; and beasts became monsters of horn and ivory and dyed the earth with blood...

"How many bathrooms does your guys's fort have? My fort has infinity bathrooms!"

No One Wants This!

The Silmarillion is like the official back story to the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

 I go for the back story. 

Because I'm alternative like that.

Anyway, right off the bat, at the beginning of the beginning of everything, there are these angel-type guys. they're all cool and there's a really mighty one and his name is Melkor and he's the Lucifer character and everyone hates him.

But I think Melkor was just trying to be himself. Even if that self is is really annoying.

No one has any patience for him though. Yes, he has really bad ideas but when you keep shutting him down it's like you're only validating his belief that he doesn't fit in. It's a self-fulfilling vicious circle that just makes him weird.

Like, when all the Ainur (those angel-types) are sitting around before Being exists and making the stuff that will be stuff they go like "BLIZZOW! Woah! I just created a dolphin. It's like a shiny tube of muscle that swims through the water and cackles adorably."

And Melkor will be off in the corner, half paying attention, and go, "Oh! Oh ho ho! I just a created...the...uh...Melkorphin! Yeah! It's a...uh...big fish with my face on it!"

And then everyone goes, "Dang it, Melkor! You gotta do your own thing! We hate you, Melkor! Be original!"

And how's that supposed to make Melkor feel?

No wonder he stabbed your trees, lady!

Melkor: The Mighty and Rad!

From The Silmarillion:

"Whereas Melkor spent his spirit in envy and hate, until at last he could make nothing save in mockery of the thought of others, and all their works he destroyed if he could.

...but Melkor too was there from the first, and he meddled in all that was done, turning it if he might to his own desires and purposes; and he kindled great fires....

"This shall be my own kingdom; and I name it unto myself!"

Better go get you some!

The Condensed Valaquenta

Poor Melkor. He'll show them! All the popular Ainur will get their comeuppance when Melkor is in charge! And cool skulls and horns will NEVER STOP BEING COOL!

Mountain Sides

No Head Dope Sweater Man

No one can do it better than

No Head Dope Sweater Man

No Head Dope Sweater Man

No Head Dope Sweater Man

No Head Dope Sweater Man

No Head Dope Sweater Man

way better than

All Head No Sweater Man

No one can do it better than

No Head Dope Sweater Man.

Y'know, a bunch of flying books eating brains

My Dog Likes Corn

corn.

gotta have it.

Monument to Big Bird

A man so fine...

deserves his own decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare.

Cool Bear

A bear.

And he's really cool.

He's not a rapper but he has the confidence of two to three average rappers.

And lives in or can freely enter into some kind of soundscape universe because one day in the forest he was struck by a magical faulty guitar that was stolen from the hardest rocking guitarist alive by a giant metal flying spider that had been assembled in a laboratory off the coast of Washington state by an evil steampunk entomologist bent on creating an army of unstoppable insects that would overrun the Washington capitol building in Olympia and make him the undisputed dictator of the evergreen state. 

The entomologist, whose name was Travis, had run in numerous failed campaigns for any and all forms of public office because he ran on the platform of diverting all tax revenue towards funding the implantation of mind control compu-chips in all mosquitoes that would allow him, Travis, with the push of a button, to direct a swarm of itchy bites at anyone with a valid Washington driver's license which, his campaign platform, was not well received by anyone except the ten percent of the population who appreciated the boldness of Travis's plan and voted for him in the hope of receiving immunity in the unlikely event he became a congressman or seized control as he was currently planning to do.

Fortunately for the citizens of Washington state and unfortunately for Travis, the magical music bear mentioned at the beginning of this tale had teamed up with the flying metal spider and converted its abdomen into an amp that the bear used to a tear a hole in reality and deliver a massive onslaught of tasty licks and killer riffs directly into Travis's brain just as he was planning to activate his roving mecha-insect drove but, with the licks impairing his evil judgment, Travis withheld his march of terror and appreciated the energy of liveliness and having a voice that yell and laugh and limbs that can move and swing and Travis renounced evil and set out to find the source of his major life adjustment and perhaps play drums in a groovin' jam band.

The Pain of Empathy for Inanimate Objects

Totally worth the highs.

Too Much Icepream

I'm discovering it as it goes.

Too Much Icecream

Either I suck at narrative...

or I'm great at embracing the suspension of disbelief afforded by stupid drawings.

The Baddest of Villains

Started Out Asparagus

Ended up ballin'

Not To Worry, It's a Journey

Hahaha, what vehicle am I even in right now?

Stumbled Upon a Gallery of Tiny Wonders

Hey. Hey, Kid. I'm a Ghost.

Let me in so I can eat your flesh. Or whatever.

Other Thoughts:

-12 Twelves dead in massive train twelve.

-What if an evil senator slipped an Anti-Constitution into an innocuous budget bill when no one was looking?

-How many colors are there? Yeah, probably infinity. So lame.

-A lot of really good technologies don't get used anymore. It's probably because they aren't "smart" like cellphones. I'm going to invent a smart catapult and use it hurl fetid meat into the castles of my enemies.

This Whale Isn't Too Big

Its dimensions just happen to extend no further than this frame.

My Proletariat Children's Book

The Hungry Hungry Capitalist.

Glum Glum Glum

Something something something look at what is around you something not at what isn't.

It came from the 2nd dimension!

And then it... couldn't do anything in this one and promptly returned.

Uglies Beyond Ugly!!

Paradise yo.

You Can't Just Keep Imagining Monster to Solve Problems!

Hey man, I just imagine 'em. You gotta figure out what to do with them!

My Previous

Where's the human heads I asked for?! What? Just hummus? 

Well, that's fine too.

Little Balls Hanging by String from the Ceiling

Confidence Lessons from a Shy Wood Troll

The Choice Is Clear!

Cupcake Problems

''If I wasn't fictional, this danger wouldn't seem nearly as contrived. Now go close the blinds and take that fly-roast out of the oven.''

The Coach Approach

What Proto-Doodles am is

These little guys will develop into full-blown doodle characters in a few weeks.